teresa is this girl that was my friend
she was a very good friend to me and i was there for her when she was going out with david
david liked this girl named sarah
a skinny girl
teresa and i were hanging out with our friend jessie one day when teresa decided to stop by and visit our friend katie (sp)
katie works with bagels
and coffee
now teresa had heard a rumor that rather disturbed her
i do not know what rumor she heard but apparently it was confirmed to her when she spoke with her friend katie
this confirmation caused her much grief and some tears being shed in my vehicle
i consoled her
we three people went to her house where we were just chilling and such when sarah, the skinny one aforementioned, showed up at her, teresa's, door
teresa asked sarah out to the back and they proceeded to talk
the occasional "Bitch!" and "Why?!" were heard by myself
jessie was asleep on the floor
i only intentionally eavesdropped for about a minute or two
to no avail
i did not hear much
when they got through sarah left the house and drove away
teresa came back in and said ive never yelled at anyone before, it was rather fun
i still did not know what was going on
i dont remember when she told me but i eventually found out
the rumor that was apparently confirmed was the one that david liked sarah
its not hard to understand how he came to like her as he spent more time with her than he did with teresa, his girlfriend
i know what he went through though, because it happened to me
i spent so much time with teresa that i came to like her
i had noticed her at school and thought that she was a very attractive person
being gutless and such as i am though, i had never really talked to her
well it came to pass that her and david broke up
i had had a long talk with david and advised him that his relationship with her was going to go sour on him if he dint start talking to her
he decided to just go out on it i guess
teresa and i still hung out alot
she would call me every morning to wake me up and i would go get naked and shower and then leave (no longer naked) the house and we would spend our day together
it was the best of times
and i started to like her more and more
i did not want to start anything with her just yet though as she was still hurt from what david had done
until one night i told her that i liked her
we were walking around her block and she was talking about a dog or something and i interrupted her and told her
she said wow thats not about dogs
i said no its not but i needed to say it
and then she just sat there and dint say anything
my heart started beating faster
and then she said...
i dont really remember what she said next but it was something along the lines of it still being too soon for her
i told her that i understood that and that i was not going to attempt to advance anymore than that but that i just needed to let her know how i felt
and i did
let her know that is
im not sure on when it was but one night i was at her house and it was like ten oclock
her parents want her home and all friends gone by ten
her mom went to bed saying i just dont want to find you here when i wake up
i said ok
unfortunately i let her down
teresa and i were sitting on her couch and her sister, helen, was sitting on the floor in front of the couch
we were all talking and teresa was not so subtly hinting to her sister that she should go upstairs
helen wasnt getting the idea
i was though and frankly was getting a little excited
helen finally went upstairs to her room and teresa and i started talking and playing with each others hands
we talked for about and hour or two before i asked her out
actually i was talking about something, who knows what, when she cut me off with a kiss
after a while of doing the same back to her i asked her out
she said yes
i was happy
thinking back though, i think it would have been better if she had said no
not that i regret going out with her
it was a blast while it lasted
but it sort of felt like it meant more when we were not going out
i prolly dont know what im talking about though

life was peachy and i think i felt myself falling in love
then i went on vacation
a great and wonderful vacation until i met up with my family
me and john and some friends went to see icp in novi mi
we drove
on the way back the van broke down and i went to stay with my cousins in wisconsin
my family eventually made its way up to where i was, which was then minnesotta and i hooked up with them
when i hooked up with them i had the brilliant idea of getting a notebook and writing stuff to teresa
i called her alot while i was gone

i eventually filled about forty, i think, pages of that notebook with my heart
i totally opened myself up to her in it and said alot of stuff that i never would say in person
i had never before opened myself up like that
i was very apprehensive when i gave it to her
and then i felt like shit when she never even responded to the shit i put in the notebook
to opening up to people i say never again
but i prolly will

anyway she read the notebook
she read it and decided to not even comment on it except for saying that she had read it and thanked me for giving it to her
i got back from vacation and we started hanging out again, but she just dint feel the same
i mean, all the soft and squidgy parts were still soft and squidgy but her manner wasnt the same
nevertheless i forged ahead in trying to be a good boyfriend

then she goes to yellowstone

she comes back from yellowstone and i call her from my friend lukes house
i ask if she wants to go to coffee, she says yes
i tell her ill pick her up in a few minutes i have to get sarah (lukes girlfriend sarah) first
she says uhh caleb can we talk alone

bam

there goes my heart again
is this a good alone or a bad alone
fear sets in
i pick her up and we go to 4bs
she goes off on this big long thing of which i hardly remember anything
basically she wants to break up with me

but she still likes me
she said so herself
she just doesnt want to put any effort into me anymore
but there is a chance that we can get back together when she is over this hump, for lack of better words

it was the worst of times

so many thoughts running all through my head, the only one thats clear is why

i was nice to her wasnt i
we had some good times dint we
we dint fight did we

i get my wisdom teeth pulled about three weeks later
all four of them
im all drugged up and psycho feeling
my first experience with drugs

i had called her the previous night and requested a visit from her after my surgery
she said that she would try

she comes over to my house and i am happy
when she gets ready to leave my bedside i tell her that i miss her
she says that she misses me as well

a good sign isnt it

i write her an email the next day or so
the first email i sent her which was a reply to one she had sent to me in reply to one i had sent to her (the first two are irrelevant in this place) 'removed per teresa's request'
her reply 'removed per teresa's request'
my reply to her reply (maybe too harsh?) 'removed per teresa's request'
her response to my harsh true feelings 'removed per teresa's request'
my second attempt at a response 'removed per teresa's request'

i ache