The Montreal
Tribune 
International
Canada
National Business
HUMOR
SECTION
"Rene's Side of the
World"
Rene
L'Evary, Tunisian Born Canadian businessman who lives in shanghai, China
Now
rest and let the poison work
Josh
was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush,
my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He
was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."
"There
isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
alright, go to sleep."
"No,
no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I
know," whispered Becky, " now rest and let the poison work."
The
money bags
A
man arrives to the Ben Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv with two large
bags.
The
customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different
currencies.
The
agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"
The
man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went
into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his penis and
said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut your balls off"...
The
customs agent said, "well... it's very interesting story... what do you
have in the other bag?"
The
man said, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support
Israel"... 3/16/04
Something
for you to think & laugh
Arguing
with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is
actually enjoying it.
*********
Help
a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble
again.
*********
Complex
problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
*********
It
is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
*********
Behind
every successful woman, is a man who is surprised. <Pan>Yes, I do agree
with that.
*********
Whoever
said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
*********
Alcohol
doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
*********
Most
people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
*********
Forgive
your enemies but remember their names
*********
The
number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of
your action.
*********
I
remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father.
He said he wanted more proof.
**********
Some
pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.
*********
Life
is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
Two
and one
On
a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two
German men and one German woman
Two
Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred...
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.
The two German men have set up a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce themto the English
woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/store/restaurant/laundry, and have
gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees and customers
for their establishment.
The
two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy
after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the
English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will
not shut up, and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of
feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can
do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how
sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her
mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn
cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
heaven-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her
nails done and go shopping.
The
Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
(Martin
Stone)
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive with the
windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York
City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of
the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell
cookies door-to-door
.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians
pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated
when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians
start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win
the Stanley Cup.
BINGO!!!
From
Martin Stone Dispatch
Do
you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long
and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare your "Bull$hit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find
that 5"x5"
is a good size. Divide the card into columns -- five across and five down.
That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
paradigm
lateral thinking
synergy
strategic fit
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit
take that off-line
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark
value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
fast track
result-driven
empower (or empowerment)
knowledge base
at the end of the day
touch base
mindset
client focus(ed)
ballpark
game plan
leverage
team player
no I in team
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULL$HIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bull$hit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
--Jack W., Boston
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
--David D., Florida
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first
win."
--Bill R., New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited
for
the fifth box."
--Ben G., Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL$HIT!' for the
third
time in two hours."
--Kathleen L., Atlanta
________________________________
The MS CARS
From Martin Stone
dispatch
At a recent computer expo, COMDEX, Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If
GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics:
1.For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new
car.
3.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have
to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows shut off the
caR, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.
4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.
5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent
of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light, or a
"You have performed an illegal operation".
7. The airbag > system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
**************
THIS
IS HOW THE BRITISH RETALIATED.
BY
ALLOWING US TO MAKE ENGLISH OUR NATIONAL LANGUAGE
From
Martin Stone Dispatch
Reasons why the
English language is hard to learn:
1) The bandage was
wound around the wound.
2) The farm was
used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so
full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish
the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if
he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier
decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is
no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the
present.
8) A bass was
painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at,
the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not
object to the object.
11) The insurance
was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row
among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too
close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does
funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress
and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with
planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was
too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number
of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the
tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to
subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it -
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are meat.
We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of
tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
Or, one goose, 2
geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't
it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call
it?
If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what
does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think
all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a
recital?
Ship by truck and
send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a
slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy
are opposites?
You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up
as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out
and in which an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was
invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the
human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out,
they are invisible.
**************
Actual
Memo From Osama Bin Laden Found In The Cave by the CIA
From
Martin Stone Dispatch
Memo to: Cavemates
From: Osama
RE: The Cave
Hi Guys:
We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a
group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that
says "There is no 'I' in Al Qaeda" as well as the one that says
"Hang In
There!" That goddamn cat is hilarious! However, while we are fighting a
jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few
concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise
missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave.
Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the
cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying
to
scare the most powerful f#%$ing country on Earth, okay? That means that
while we're taping, do not ride your Razor scooter in the background. Just
while we're taping. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama"
on
the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my f#%$ing Cheez-Its were
half gone. A little freakin' consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally,
we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to
infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Randy, and Akbar.
Love you guys,
Osama
**************
From
the Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show
Dispatch from Martin Stone
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous
and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love
you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get
Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What
was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
**************
NEWSPAPERS
Hierarchy
of newspapers in the U.S. Who reads what? (From
Martin Stone dispatch
)
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think
they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they
ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to
run the country but don't understand the Washington
Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't
mind running the country, if they could spare the
time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't
too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care
who's running the country, as long as they do
something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is
running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country.
**************
The
Mortuary
by d'Dedhed
Charlie had a massive heart attack and
died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he
really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to
make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician
about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the
man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it
would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always
looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit
for his trip to eternity.
To silence the mortician's continued
outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for
the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for
the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.
She said to the mortician,
"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and
I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these
extra services.
"No, really, I must compensate you
for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded,
"Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing,
a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated
that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...
So I switched the heads."
Newly
Weds
by d'Dedhed
On their honeymoon the new husband told
his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was
concerned that it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about
that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a
golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Friday
afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and
golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I
thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you
that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about.
I'm a hooker. Have been for a few years now."
"No problem," was his
response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip with
your hands, hold the thick driver inside, deep in the bush, pushing all the
balls, and that should clear it right up."
10
Rules To Live BY
by d'Dedhed
You go to a party and you see an
attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great
in bed, how about it?". ---That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an
attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up
and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
---That's Advertising.
You go to a party and you see an
attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You
call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how
about it?" ---That's Tele-Marketing.
You go to a party and you see an
attractive girl across the room. You recognise her. You walk up to her,
refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi,
I am great in bed, how about it?" ---That's Customer Relationship
Management.
You go to a party and you see an
attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around
playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr.
Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr.
Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for
the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr.
Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in
bed, how about it?". ---That's Hard Selling.
You go to a party, you see an
attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear
you're great in bed, how about it?" ---Now THAT is the power of Branding.
Memory
Jog
Dispatch
from<Martinstone1@aol.com>
An elderly couple had dinner at another
couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was
really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the
name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and
finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He
turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of the
restaurant we went to last night?"
**************
A SIGN FROM ABOVE
Dispatch from<Martinstone1@aol.com>
A woman and a man get into a car
accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly
neither of them was hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So…you're a man, that's interesting….I'm a woman... Wow!
Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, " I agree with
you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at
this !!! - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the
man.
The man shakes his head in agreement,
opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I
will just wait for the police..."
Check out these Anagrams:
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word
or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or
phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has
far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last
one!)
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only
once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
The U.S. “Bill of No Rights"
The following has apparently been
attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should have
run for President:
"We, the sensible people of the
United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote
positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves
and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain
and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt
ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be
self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights
and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights".
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to
a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you
can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right
to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom
for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right
to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your
relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right
to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be
found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to
free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing,
we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right
to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or
kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the
electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right
to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or
services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together
and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big
screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right
to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your
aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to
stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting
the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each
and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don’t have the right
to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you
along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities
of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to
happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness
-- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an
overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights,"
If you agree, share this with a friend.
No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just
think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish - call it the age
of reason revisited.
Debra Presley, 3100 Cumberland Blvd,
Suite 200, Atlanta, GA 30339, Phone: 770-612-2207, Fax: 770-612-2246, E-Mail: Debra.Presley@Sita.int
**************
10
Rules To Live BY
by d'Dedhed
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything
up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front
of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I
will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind
can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular
fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as
long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chain-saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask
you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes
very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Golf
Lessons
by d'Dedhed
A young woman had been taking golf
lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she
suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to
the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was
her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second
hole."
He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is too wide."
Why?
By Martin Stone
1. Why does the sun lighten hair, but
darken skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice"?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
18. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
The History of Teaching Math on Logs
And Lumber
By Martin Stone
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set łL˛ of
lumber for a set łM˛ of money. The cardinality of set łM˛ is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the
set łM˛. The łC˛, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than
set łM˛. Represent the set łC˛ as a subset of set łM˛ and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set łP˛ of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering that question: How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong
answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a
company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per
share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital
gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its
loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the
company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, and received a nice retirement
plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was
outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2001:
A logging company exports its
wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95%
of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted own, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible
for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from all
federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?
**************
VACATIONING
PRIEST
by d'Dedhed
Two priests were determined to make
this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses.
The next morning, they went to the
beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach
chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" blonde in a very tiny bikini came walking straight towards
them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them, she smiled and
said, "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both
stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
The next day, they went back to the
store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again they settled on the
beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
blonde, wearing a string bikini this time and showing a very nice tan, came
walking toward them.
Again, she approached them and greeted
them individually: "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and
started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it
and said, "Just a minute young lady".
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it,
but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father it's me, Sister
Angela."
**************
THIS
IS DEEP BUT SO INTERESTING...
by d'Dedhed
Satan called a worldwide convention. In
his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't keep the
Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles
and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate,
abiding relationship experience in Christ. Once they gain that connection with
Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let
them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't
gain that relationship with Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do,
angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that
vital connection through-out their day!"
"How shall we do this?"
shouted his angels.
"Keep them busy in the
nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their
minds," he answered.
"Tempt them to spend, spend,
spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow. Persuade the wives to go to work for long
hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they
can afford their empty lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their
children. As their family fragments, soon, their home will offer no escape
from the pressures of works! Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot
hear that still, small voice.
Entice them to play the radio or
cassette player whenever they drive. To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs
going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant
in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds
and break that union with Christ. Fill their coffee tables with magazines and
newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their
driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, order
catalog, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter ! and promotional offering
free products, services and false hopes.
Keep skinny, beautiful models on the
magazines so their husbands will believe that external beauty is what's
important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. That will
fragment those families quickly! Even in their recreation, let them be
excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted and
unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on
God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and
movies instead. Keep them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for
spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave
with troubled consciences and unsettled emotions.
Go ahead, let them be involved in self
righteous acts; but crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no
time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own
strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause. It
will work! It will work!"
It was quite a convention. The evil
angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get
more busy and more rushed, going here and there.
I guess the question is : HAS THE DEVIL
BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT HIS SCHEME? You be the judge! Does "BUSY" mean :
B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke
Please pass this on or are you too
BUSY?!
**************
HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD OF...
by d'Dedhed
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
Birth control is the evasion of the
issue.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking
and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E.
Lewis)
The Italian government is considering
installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it
if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
Absentee: A Missing Golfing Accessory.
Show me a Chinese spy and I'll show you
a Peking Tom.
A successful acupuncture is a jab well
done.
Minniehaha: A very, very small joke.
"Why don't you slip into something
more comfortable?" asked Tom negligently.
What do people who live near the YMCA
have in common with Gomer Pyle? They're gym neighbors.
Making your own hard liquor is a
whiskey business.
What is an innuendo? An Itialian
suppository!
The Bronte sisters all wrote novels and
poems. They were engaged in a scribbling rivalry.
The story of cosmonauts who fall in
love and start a family on board the Russian space station is entitled
"From Mir to Maternity."
A hypochondriac can't leave being
well-enough alone. (Henny Youngman)
Have you heard about the new computer
screen that fixes itself? It's a Christian Science monitor
Simple but effective advice for
would-be vegetable gardeners: "Weed 'em and reap!"
The small bathroom in Robin Hood's
house is called Little John.
An unemployed logger is a would worker.
Tasteless: A painting made by an artist
without a palate.
A guy glanced at the prices at the auto
parts store and said "Gimme a brake!"
Show me a stolen sausage and I'll show
you a missing link.
A new lumberjack's union was started by
a splinter group.
When he suffered a spill, his ski
vacation went downhill.
Shoplifters are cursed with the gift of
grab.
A hard man is good to find. (Mae West)
Dialogue: Changing the color of a piece
of wood.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You
find the present tense, and the past perfect.
Marriage is like a violin - after all
the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
Show me a cat which just ate a lemon,
and I'll show you a sour puss.
Beautiful legs are sometimes without
equal, but bow-legs are always without parallel.
She was so Blonde that she wanted to
sign up as an organ donor, but all she had was a guitar!
If you want to see a comic strip, you
should see me in the shower. (Groucho Marx)
Never put both feet in your mouth at
the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
**************
ROAD
RAGE?
by
"Debbie"
I was driving to the store yesterday
when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing
him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently
angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the
woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a
sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's
why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is
on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that
means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32
miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though
the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least
another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven
by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute
of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle
Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that "EVERY SINGLE DAY," I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? I think not.
**************
HMO
for Pets?
by Calif
Dreaming
A man brought a very limp dog into the
veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two,
the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has
passed away."
"What?" screamed the man.
"How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I
want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the
room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever
went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a
considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its head and
barked.
The veterinarian then took the dog out
and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on
the table. As had its predecessor, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It
then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill
for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is
dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and
explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but
with the Lab report and the cat scan........"
**************
Check
This Out!
by Anonymous
**************
Good house keeping:
Link
Check
This Out!
by Anonymous
Accessible by Microsoft Power Point or
equivalent: Mind-reader
Funny
You Think?
by Anonymous
John invited his mother over for
dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how
beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jill
and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jill came to John
saying," Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat
down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did"
take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did
not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later, John received an
email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Jill, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Jill. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
*I hear a chuckle...
This
is a very poignant short
by Osiong@aol.com
(Ca, USA)
After living a "decent" life,
my time on earth came to an end. The first thing I remember is sitting on a
bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a court house. The doors
opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table.
As I looked around I saw the "prosecutor." He was a villainous
looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil
person I have ever seen.
I sat down and looked to my left and
there sat my lawyer, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed
familiar to me.
The corner door flew open and there
appeared the judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as
he moved moved across the room. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
As he took his seat behind the bench,
he said, "Let us begin."
The prosecutor rose and said, "My
name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell."
He proceeded to tell of lies that I
told, things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told
of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the more he spoke,
the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't look
at anyone, even my own lawyer, as the Devil told of sins that even I had
completely forgotten about.
As upset as I was at Satan for telling
all these things about me, I was equally upset at my representative who sat
there silently not offering any form of defense at all. I know I had been
guilty of those things, but I had done some good in my life - couldn't that at
least equal out part of the harm I've done?
Satan finished with a fury and said,
"This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all that I have charged and
there is not a person who can prove otherwise.
When it was his turn, my lawyer first
asked if he might approach the bench. The judge allowed this over the strong
objection of Satan, and beckoned him to come forward. As he got up and started
walking, I was able to see him in his full splendor and majesty. I realized
why he seemed so familiar. This was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my
Savior.
He stopped at the bench and softly said
to the judge, "Hi Dad," and
then he turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in saying that
this man had sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations.
And yes the wage of sin is death, and
this man deserves to be punished." Jesus took a deep breath and turned to
his Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the
cross so that this person might have eternal life and he has accepted me as
his Savior, so he is mine."
My Lord continued with, "His name
is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from me. Satan still
does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather
mercy."
As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused,
looked at his Father and replied, "There is nothing else that needs to be
done. I've done it all."
The judge lifted his mighty hand and
slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from his lips...
"This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full.
Case dismissed."
As my Lord led me away, I could hear
Satan ranting and raving, "I won't give up, I'll win the next one."
I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to go next, "Have you
ever lost a case?" Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that
has come to me and asked me to represent them has received the same verdict as
you, Paid in Full."
**************
The
Gift of Life
by the Unknown Comic
On the very
first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created
you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will
work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow
objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50
years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So
God agreed.
On the
second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are
supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that
come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20
years."
The dog
objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back
my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third
day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to
entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll
give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them
laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years
I'll give you back."
So God
agreed.
On the
fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat,
and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to
enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life
span."
The man
objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy
the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man... why don't
we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10
years, the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That
makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S
WHY....
In our first
20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the
next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For
the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and
monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front
door and bark at people!
Newsflash!
by Osiong@aol.com
(Ca, USA)
Lorena
Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the same thing to her
husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. The sister was not as
accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage. She has been charged with a
"misdewiener."
The
Fisherman and Gamewarden
by Osiong@aol.com
(Ca, USA)
New IRS auditor, eager to make a name
for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He
proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the
wax drippings from the Shabbat,Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor
that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent
to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.
What about the crumbs from the matzah
you eat at Passover?, asked the IRS auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We
collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah
meal.
All right, said the auditor, refusing
to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with
the leftovers from the circumcisions?
Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to
Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you!!!
The
Fisherman and Gamewarden
by Osiong@aol.com
(Ca, USA)
A man was stopped by a game-warden in
Northern California recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well
known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do
you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden,
"No, sir. These are my pet fish."
Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take
these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I
whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish
can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a
moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!."
The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the river
and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the man and said, "Well."
"Well, What?" the man
responded.
"When are you going to call them
back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man
asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked.
Computer
- ID Ten T Error
by Osiong@aol.com
Judy, the editor of a trivia
publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Dave, the
computer guy, over to her desk.
Dave clicked a couple buttons and
solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten
T error."
A puzzled expression ran over Judy's
face. "An ID ten T error? What's that..in case I need to fix it
again??"
He gave her a grin, "Haven't you
heard of an ID ten T error before."
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said,
"and I think you'll figure
it out."
She wrote: ID10T
I am Canadian ....... and proud of it!
A Canadian man was
having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American
man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian politely ignored the
American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped
his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" The
Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and
replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We
don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in
silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh
fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?' The American
smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned
closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the
Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States."
Ha...Ha.... Ha! "I
AM CANADIAN"
The Firing Squad Story
By Martin Stone Dispatch
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and
George W. Bush, were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American
country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just
before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a
panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was
the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al
pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al
yelled out, "Tornado!"
Again the squad fell apart and
Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against
the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out
something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused
the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised
in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
The Generals
By Martin Stone Dispatch
The Pentagon recently discovered
it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised
any general who retired straightaway his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for
every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's
body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force
general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, a Marine
general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his
toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a
grizzled old Army General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension
man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The
pension man suggested that perhaps the Army general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Army
general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd
better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer
attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed
the tape on the tip o the general's penis and began to work back. My
God!" he said. Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In
Vietnam."
Only in America
by unknown
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your
house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
3. Only in America...do people order double
cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America...do we use answering
machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call
from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
8. Only in America...do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they
call it FedUPs?
The Bush
Inaugural Song
by Martin Stone
dispatch
(Sing to "What a Wonderful World This Would
Be")
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Can't remember how I got through school
Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez"
And what a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about foreign debt,
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much 'bout the constitution
Don't know much 'bout the economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be
1970 -----2000
by Martin Stone
dispatch
>1970: Long Hair
>2000: Longing for hair
>
>1970: The perfect high.
>2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
>
>1970: KEG
>2000: EKG
>
>1970: Acid Rock
>2000: Acid Reflux
>
>1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
>2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
>
>1970: Growing pot.
>2000: Growing pot belly.
>
>1970: Douglas Street bridge.
>2000: Dental bridge.
>
>1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
>2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
>
>1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
>2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
>
>1970: Seeds and stems.
>2000: Roughage.
>
>1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
>2000: Popping joints.
>
> 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
> 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
>
> 1970: Paar
> 2000: AARP
>
> 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
> 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
>
> 1970: Killer weed.
> 2000: Weed killer.
>
> 1970: Hoping for a BMW.
> 2000: Hoping for a BM.
>
> 1970: The Grateful Dead.
> 2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
>
> 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
> 2000: Getting a new hip joint.
>
> 1970: Rolling Stones.
> 2000: Kidney stones.
>
> 1970: Being called into the principal's office.
> 2000: Calling the principal's office.
>
> 1970: Screw the system!
> 2000: Upgrade the system.
>
> 1970: Peace sign.
> 2000: Mercedes logo.
>
> 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
> 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
>
> 1970: Taking acid.
> 2000: Taking antacid.
>
> 1970: Passing the driver's test.
> 2000: Passing the vision test.
>
> 1970: "Whatever"
> 2000: "Depends"
THE STUD STORY
by Martin Stone
dispatch
Two priests died at the same
time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like
to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to
Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above
the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies
the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the
computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to
be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second
one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
SIPPING VODKA
by Laurianna
A
new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor
how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the
monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on the door:
-
Sip the Vodka,
don't gulp.
-
There
are 10 commandments, not 12.
-
There
are 12 disciples, not 10.
-
Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.
-
Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
-
We
do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
-
The
Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the
spook.
-
David
slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
-
When
David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
-
We
do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
-
When
Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat
it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me”
-
The
Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
-
The
recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,
yeah God.
-
Next
Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at
St.Taffy's.
The
origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who
passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep
this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to
whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four
days from now if the chain is not broken.
ANOTHER
BUSH LAWSUIT
by
Martin Stone dispatch
AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 19) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list
and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction
against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his
traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one
additional time before packing his sleigh.
The
suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal
judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and
duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."
"There
are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally
arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This
checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.
Meanwhile,
Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick
himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit
checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand
closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already
selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The
Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans
to lead protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave tomorrow.
"We
need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa
Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said
the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
U.S. Supreme Court Overruled
by Martin Stone dispatch
December 15, 2000 - 23:47 Universal
Time
BREAKING NEWS: SUPREME COURT VERDICT
OVERRULED
Bush
Presidency To Be "Struck Down"
Washington
-- December 15, 2000 -- In a stunning deevelopment, the
"one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance has
been invoked to overrule this week's Supreme Court decision that
handed the White House to George Bush.
In
a rare televised news conference appearance, the Lord God said: "I'm
not sure where the Supreme Court gets off, but I'm sure as hell not going to
lie back and let Bush get away with this crap. I'll show these people who the
ultimate authority is!"
"I've
watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote
count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly
who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219
votes."
Shocking
political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the
official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a
289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible
grounds for appeal.
"God's
ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim
Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is
unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of
Florida."
"Jim
Baker's a pompous has-been," God responded. "He's got some surprises
ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God,
who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that
bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White
House to "a complete idiot."
"Look,
only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan.
Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them:
Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
The
Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's
prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an
act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of
Bush's
goats
and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family
into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a
salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will
reportedly receive leprosy.
Memo
From Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; However,
there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On
Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back Off." The last I heard it also had other
decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights
that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs
about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in
the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus
Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas
Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
( member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
A
kilted Scotsman was walking down
a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local
pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to
take a nap, his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard
the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said,"
I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature
had provided him with.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him
for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her
hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around
to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled
his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.
After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where ya' been lad
... but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
Every
Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This
went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied,
"every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the
church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a
week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a
living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Kind
of makes you look at things with a new perspective if you take the
time ...
Cracked
Pots
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on one end of a pole
which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while
the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the
end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full.
For a
full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a
half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was
proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But
the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that
it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After
two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water
bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to
apologize to you."
"Why?"
asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I
have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because
this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your
master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you
don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The
water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he
said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the
beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed,
as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming
the beautiful flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But
at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its
load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for it's failure.
The
bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on
your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have
always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it.
I
planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk
back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to
pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being
just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
The
Moral of this Story: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked
pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together
so very interesting and rewarding.
You've
just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
There is a lot of good out there. There is a lot of good in you and in
me...even though we are "Cracked Pots!"
Vote now, click
on the link
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