silly_________________________on life
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| thought of the day, 270505 five days of work...five days of hardwork...had another relapse at the gym yesterday...well, guess breakfast and supplements is not the short cut to top fatigue... everytime that happens, i wonder...i fear...what if it turns black? would i wake up again...? can i tell anyone...? i don't want to talk about it...gotta ask my doctor because he did mention coma if it happens again in a short period...something about oxygen...i can't even get a bottle from my bag...everything was turning grey...my body was shaking and collapsed...my trainer have to carry me to a seat... of course...i did get better after another hour...of seating and cold sweating...doctors appointment later today! thursday evening was great...saw clothes, pete, cam, dam...went to boutique and q bar...altogether...;-) thank you very much peter...i know who in my life really cares about me...really really cares..."how are you..." they ask...they know when u show a happy face and try to be strong...they detect the worry behind the face...does it take death to make people care?...what makes art more valuable after the artist's death...artist love...love artist...artist's art...maybe only after something is completely gone...people know "got 'til its gone"...what am i doing in this world? why do i care? the prince knows...he has gone to the warmth gates of heaven and back...he also visited the brink of hell to see the sorrow...he knows what lies in front of him and if one day he chooses not to stand...he would feel warm, within himself....with his belief to share and love, he leaves a legacy... one day he hopes...people will think about the prince when they care about someone...when they love... thought of the day, 220505 finally had a full day's rest on a beautiful sunday after a tragic night out. hi my name is marc and i am an alcoholic. things seem to be in routine nowadays... work six days...socialize less during the week...workout at lunch time...sunday rest days...and maintenance...pedis manis facial tv dvds and jazz...when did i stop listening to jazz anyways...back to my old self...listening to maxwell, buble, harry connick jr. and chet baker...rara sistas are sorta a thing of the past now...feel more veteran when i head out with my boys now...yes, u...;-) we are old and i am less and less excited and attracted to the idea of going out...just wanna stay home and start baking and read i think...just a suggestion...not that i will practice it immediately... the prince cheered ...berlin berlin berlin...it sound so sweet hey...a castle waiting...with endless opportunities and scene for him to experience...but why does he feel less and less enthusiatic? so much more work to be done...well...money does grow on trees, silly trees...good day gentlemen thought of the day, 180505 well, was at work today and nick, accounts manager, spent a whole day going through documents and chat...needless to say, he is gay but he behaves really well...trying to brush off some straightness of him (yes you nick)...lol...one thing got stuck on my head when nick said, "why bother meeting new people because they are all good from far, far from good..." i came to thinking, when you first meet someone, you get intrigued...then u get to know them better...most of the time, people throw around a fake personality to make them seem attractive...then...you get to know them on a personal level...you starts to past judgement...sad but true, we are all judgemental...and gays are the worst of them all...that includes me...i am not a saint...i am plainly psychotic and ignorant and naive...so...i am more confused... good from far, far from good...(singing) getting to know u...getting to know all about you.... thought of the day, 150505 bored. well, wanted to play a word game for today. invented it out of boredom when i was eight years old. haven't done it for a long long time now. some sort of cult i believe. its a grey day. so the grey dictionary. people believe in the bible; i believe in words. so here i go closing my eyes, asking a question...and pointed to a random page random spot. "am i going to be happy?" answer - "DRINK" the dictionary says. well, i thought i knew better. next "why am i feeling like this?" answer - "PLACEBO". well if u want me to explain placebo i would say no. but i understand why i am feeling like this because i allow myself to. i.e. placebo is a psychological medicinal implementation providing non medicinal substance and allow their mental and physical state to heal themselves (of course without the patient knowing). so...placebo...does say something doesn't it. the prince is estranged with his own antics in his new palace. eyeing the surroundings, the view, the colours of the sky and finding random objects to answer questions. questions to which no answer could fulfil. life goes on he thinks. has it stopped? life goes on they say...but in his reality...it has stopped...the phone has been ringing non stop but he doesn't want to pick it up...how is sydney trent? thought of the day, 130505 writing has taken a backseat since my life changed course. nonetheless i have recently discovered that sometimes things are more than what it seem. people rarely say what they mean. painfully enough, most of these chapters unfolds in velocity that bites the fringe of ones inner most fear. fear of lost love, fear of lost feelings, fear of incompetence and fear of judgement by oneself or others.someone famous once said, he who dreams will never be lonely. dreams give you something to look forward to. dreams lets imagination take control. i stopped dreaming. i am lonely and i am afraid of dreams because i have shattered too many dreams. the prince feel young, and scared and doesn't know what the future hold for him thought of the day, 100505 Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvellous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.One day, a prince saw this bird and fell in love with him. He watched the bird's flight, his mouth wide in amazement, his heart pounding, his eyes shining with excitement. He invited the bird to fly with him and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. He admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.But then he thought: the bird might want to visit far-off mountains! And he was afraid. afraid that if he would never feel the same way about any other bird. And he felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.And he felt alone.And he thought: "I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again."The bird who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.The prince looked at the bird everyday. There he was, the object of his passion, and he showed the bird to his friends, who said:"Now you have everything you could possibly want." However, a strange transformation began to take place: the bird, unable to fly to express the true meaning of his life began to waste away and his feather lose their gloss; he grew meloncholy and although the prince paid him the most attention, the bird wasn't showing signs of improvements.One day, the bird died. The prince felt terribly sad and spent all his time thinking about him. But he did not remember the cage, he thought only of the day when he had seen the bird for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.If he had looked more deeply into himself, he would have realised that what had thrilled him about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.Without the bird, the prince's life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at his door. "why have you come?" the prince asked Death. "So that you can fly once more with him across the sky." Death replied. 'If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, now you need me in order to find him again.' thought of the day 050505 what a date to start writing again. heavy minded. troubled. had a collapse at the gym today. chronic fatigue. medulla oblongata. big words being thrown around. not sure i am surviving the life back in employment. love gives hope. hope gives strength. i am still standing and i have to be strong. went through some of my old books today and saw this line. "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears... " am i still waiting for the sun to shine? is the heavens ever going to clear? am i ever going to see sunlight again? i miss the sun. i miss fairy tales. i miss sending shakespearian messages from my heart from my love. i am very tired...(*T___T*) back on that day 280904 |
