BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

• SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT: Improper bladder control.
  ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT: Glass empty.
  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
  FAULT: You have fallen forward.
  ACTION: See above.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
  FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT: You are being carried out.
  ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT: Bar has closed.
  ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
  FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION: Cover mouth.
  
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION: Punch him.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT: You have been in a fight.
  ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION: See if they have free beer.
  
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT: The beer is too weak.
  ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
  
  
• SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT: Beer is just right.
  ACTION: Play air guitar.