Part 44
"Oh shut up, just get rid of the Mayo Man, will you?" grumbled KelNino. Back to silverchair stuff
Kearbear turned back to Mayo Man. "Ah-ha! You're in trouble now, Mayo Man! I'm going to strike you down with my secret power, the ability to perform a perfect imitation of KelNino playing darts!" KearBear yelled.
"Wait," Robin (the leprechaun) said, "I thought you wanted to hit Mayo Man..."
"Shut the hell up you short green butt*@^#?%!" KelNino screamed in defense.
"All of you shut up! I'm going to do an imitaion of KelNino playing WELL. I'm gonna throw a big ass rock at you! You mayo freak!" KearBear screamed.
"No you won't!" screamed Mayo Man as he lunged his gross fatty ass at KearBear.
"Hey! Look! Mayo Man's got a big sexy ass!" Robin yelled. "Look at his big sexy ass body! Hey Mayo Man! I want you dude!"
"Shove it you freak!" Mayo Man yelled at Robin as he passed.
"Hey! At least he's got an ass!" Ada yelled as she put her head in her hands.
"Come on Ada, you have a nice ass," KelNino comforted.
Daniel, turned on by this, came over and said, "So, KelNino, been looking?"
"Shove it Daniel!" Kelnino screamed, as she turned back to the fight. As all this was going on, Ash had managed to uncover a giant spatula. Suddenly, Mayo Man was splattered to a million pieces. The holes in the spatula had divided him.
"Quick, before he recovers," cried Nathaniel.
But it was too late. The glob of mayo was already taking form, and he was much larger and stronger than before.
"Ah s**t, what are we gonna do!" asked Scars. At that moment, Ada told everyone to hop on board her magical pony Sky Dancer, whose bum had suddenly expanded. Together, they rode off into a nearby forest.
"We need to call upon Timmy," said Ada. "Each of us must place a lock of hair into this here bucket filled with various concoctions."
"Hey, you're not going to cut off my lovely strands!" shrieked Daniel.
"Ada, does it have to be from the head?" asked Shay.
"Well...no, but if any pubic lice get in the concoction, it will result in mass famine and suffering in the magic land of faeries!" Ada lectured.
"Well, we can't have that, now can we?" Junta rolled her eyes. She plucked a greasy hair off her head and dropped it in the bowl. The pioneers mimicked her action, all except Daniel, and soon Ada had all the ingredients she needed.
"Okay, guys!" Ada chirped. "Now I just have to recite the magic prayer - "
"Wait, what's this potion supposed to do anyway? I mean, why do we need to talk to Timmy? Can't we just put Mayo Man on a sandwich to kill him...or something like that?" Kelnino asked.
"Oh KelNino!" Ada laughed. "We have to talk to Timmy, the great Lord of the Underworld and god of rock, because he can give us educational programs (such as Maths Blocks on ABC)!!!" Ada laughed again.
KearBear sneered, "But that's only for people who don't get pay TV!"
"Hey!" Daniel interrupted, "There's nothing wrong with not getting pay TV! You hear me? Nothing!" He went in a corner and held Sweep close to him as he muttered, "Nothing wrong...pay TV is bad...nothing wrong..."
"Well, all right then," Ada said. "Let's get this thing going, we've got to get those educational programs from Timmy so we can be on our way!"
Ada again began to look for her magic prayer, which she soon found anyway, and recited it. Timmy spoke up loud and clear, and everyone was amazed at his godliness.
"Is this live? No, it's not. All right, well, if it were live, the radio could go down the toilet! I'm going to show you how to conDUCT an exPERiment. Those in the back! Stand!" KearBear, Shayde, dreamer, Redwing, and Robin all stood. "Those in the front! Sit! Sit! There's a fire in the forest! Oh @^#%! There's a fire! Sit quick!" KelNino, Ada, Junta, Sky, Nathanial, and the others all sat. "Wow! Does anyone have a camara? No it's not being filmed there are not lots of caMARa's. Not lots. However, you are the reigning preemies of the world!"
"Okay Timmy, dude," KearBear said, "What does this have to do with an educational program? And what the HELL is a preemie??"
"From all my bloody expereince, I still have no wanking idea what a preemie is, but Daniel is the one who said it, the naff prick," Robin mumbled.
"Yeah, Daniel, what is a preemie?"
"How should I know!?' Daniel whined. "Just because I said it doens't mean I know what it means!"
"Come on, children! Focus! We have to get those educational programs!" Ada reminded them.
"Like Maths Blocks!" Kelnino added.
"Absolutely!" Ada continued her chant by saying, "Uga chaca uga chaca uga uga uga chaca.. I-i-i i-i...I'm hooked on a feeling! I'm high on believing that you're in love with me!"
"Er...*cough*...that's a rather odd chant, Ada," said KelNino. "Are you sure this will get us the educational programs?"
"Oh...the educational programs...right. I was just breaking into song. Sorry!"
"Um, yeah. Hey! Where'd KearBear and Flash go?" KelNino asked.
"I dunno," Scars joined in. "But she left her voodoo doll! Yeeeeeeeeeah! Who should we voodoo?"
Everyone gathered around, fascinated by the little doll.
"Wwwwoooooowwwwwwww! That's so bloody wanking cool! I think we should voodoo...OW! Bloody hell! What the @%&$ was that?" Robin asked as he scratched his head.
"Oh, nothing..." Shayde said as she waltzed over to the voodoo doll and place a small brown hair in the orange pouch. Robin didn't notice this act. All of the sudden they moved the voodoo doll and he moved with it!
"Hey guys, what's bloody going on here?" he asked as his leg was bent into an odd position.
Everyone began to laugh as he grabbed his crotch and did a Michael Jackson moonwalk. "Yow!" Robin screamed in a very feminine tone.
"Hey! He really sounds like Michael Jackson! Bravo, Robin! Bravo, Shayde!" KelNino cheered.
Shayde set down the voodoo doll and practiced her Miss America wave as the bathroom pioneers politely clapped. "Oh, it was really nothing," she said modestly.
"Bloody hell!" Robin whined as he bent over in pain.
"Cheesus Robin! You could do the Michael Jackson girl scream and everything! That's amazing!" Ben laughed.
"You naff twat!" he moaned. "I wasn't tryin to be Michael Jackson!" He pointed at Shayde menacingly. "She bloody made me do it! She made me do the crotch grab!"
"You mean that *wasn't* a Michael Jackson girl scream?" Kelnino was confused.
"Um, KelNino..." Kearbear said. "I think that was a cry of pain."
"Oh! Kearbear, you're back!" Kelnino and Kearbear munchkin-hugged. "Where'd you go?"
"I had to go stand and 'preciate." Kearbear replied.
"Uh huh..." KelNino raised an eyebrow.
"Ben will 'preciate!" Daniel randomly shouted. "Ben is showing his appreciation by rising from his stool, otherwise stuck like concrete to his....aaassssss."
The pioneers turned to look at Ben, who was sitting on the mossy hill widdling a kazoo. He looked up when he realized everyone was looking at him. "What?" he asked.
"Nothing..." The pioneers turned their attention back to Kearbear. Ben shrugged and continued widdleing.
"So...how about we go take out a Britney or something!?" Kelnino cheered.
"But I hafta go to the bathroom!" Shayde whined.
"Fine, fine..." dreamer rolled her eyes. "There's a porta potty over there..." dreamer pointed to a honey bucket, to which Shayde ran. However shortly after Shayde entered the bathroom box, she screamed frantically. The pioneers rushed to her rescuse, throwing open the plastic door to reveal Shayde being attacked by a giant dildo!
"My God! Its of epic proportion!" Daniel screamed at the sight of it.
Kelnino blushed, for she did recognize that little toy as her own but said nothing.
"Where the hell did that come from! What do we do!" cried Robin, as he suddenly jumped in the air toward the porta potty. Shayde, still backing away from the porta potty (with her pants down to boot), worked the little voodoo figure in her hands, having Robin attack the giant dildo. After thoroughly beating the dildo back into the potty (not of his own will I might add), they all pressed up against the door against the brute's awesome strength.
"We won't be able to hold it for long! When it starts vibrating, we're doomed!" screamed Kelnino.
"I won't ask how you know this, but do you know what to do?" asked Ada.
"There's nothing we can do like this! We need to get it out in the open!" she cried.
Just then, a big tour bus came from around the corner. Speeding like a bat out of hell, it headed straight for our heroes and the potty. Realizing their fate, they all dove out of the way. The dildo jumped out vibrating like a fox in a trot box. The bus went by and the dildo screamed in pain as it burst into a million peices. The bus stopped and out stepped James!
"Howdy everyone...Yeah, so you know how, a VERY long while ago I kept trying to go home? Well, I decided it might be fun to join you guys on your noble quest, and then I see this dildo, so I thought I'd give you guys a hand!"
"Well it's a good thing you did!" sighed Kelnino with wide eyes, "Because I know, when that dil...uhhhh...I mean...how are you?"
"Well, okay, but recently I was attacked by evil Care Bears in leopard print pajamas..." James sighed.
"What the hell do all you have against Care Bears?!" KearBear screamed. "Flash doesn't think there's anything wrong with KearBears, do you?"
KearBear looked around for Flash. When the rest of the group realized that he wasn't answering, they decided to look too. Everyone looked around where they were, in the bus, behind the smashed porta-potty (which smelled like s**t by the way). Flash was nowhere to be found.
"Noooo!" KearBear yelled. "Where can he possibly be?"