Part 57
"She's in this stall! Layne Staley is right here!" Heath jumped up and down, pointing into a bathroom stall...where Kelnino was licking the toilet bowl, which happened to be covered in cocaine this time! KelNino was tweaking! Back to silverchair stuff
"Holy s**t!" Daniel exclaimed.
"Holy s**t?" Scars asked. "You mean Holy @#%$?"
"Yeah, holy @$#%!" Daniel corrected himself absentmindedly as the pioneers rolled their eyes.
"So..." dreamer said as she observed Layne/Kelnino. "Who's got the tribanas? We've got to get Kelnino back..."
"But what if KelNino doesn't want to come back?" asked Angie/fireangel (she changed her name after seeing the light).
"Maybe we like Layne better, maybe Layne likes Layne better; what do you think, Layne?" asked Angie.
Everyone turned to Layne...who was still TWEAKING...heheh...and Layne let out a massive belch, which reeked of alcohol and who knows what else.
"Awesome!" Heath exclaimed.
"Shut up, ugly." Jill squashed Heath's enthusiasm.
"Who're you kids?" Layne slurred as he struggled to get up from the toilet he was leaning over.
"We are the bathroom pioneers!" Ada giggled.
"We are the saviors of rock!" Junta added.
Layne soaked in what the pioneers said and was quite pleased by the group...until he saw dreamer's ridiculous purple platforms. "Er...where'd you get those?" He pointed to dreamer's fancy footwear.
"What's wrong with them?" dreamer pouted.
"Well..." Layne cocked his head to one side in thought. "Well...you look like a glam rock slut in those. Whatever happened to jeans and a dirty t-shirt? Dammit, the rock world is so screwed up." He sat down on the tile floor and put his head in his hands.
"Aw, Layne..." Ada sympathized. She put an arm around the rocker, who smelled quite bad. "Why don't you join us bathroom pioneers. We like you a whole lot better than Kelnino..."
"Yeah, I still like you better. Even after you dissed my shoes..." dreamer considered, "But I guess they are sorta tacky. Hey Daniel - you got another pair on you?" Daniel rummaged through his backpack and found a pair of Converse sneakers. dreamer put them on. "Ta-dah! Better, Layne?"
Layne nodded absently as he looked over at Daniel. "Daniel? Hey - I remember you when you were just a little teenage punk...uh...What's your band's name again?"
"silverchair." Daniel batted his eyelashes at Layne and, although Layne didn't see it, the pioneers knew that Daniel was flirting. Robin noticed it immediatly, so he gave Layne a big slap.
"Layne, Layne, Layne, I know you have been with us for only a short time but even KelNino was smart enough to know not to flirt with Daniel because Robin is a jealous slut. He'll attack you if you're not too careful and we don't want him to hurt himself," Junta informed him.
"Oh...flirt?" Layne raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't flirting-"
"Oh, aren't you coy? Teehee." Daniel purred as he nuzzled up to Layne and ran a hand down the rock star's flannel shirt. "Mmm...flannel."
"Hey! That's nasty!" Layne shrieked. He pushed Daniel away and brushed his shirt as if Daniel had left something on it. "That is not cool, Daniel..."
Daniel's eyes began to well up with tears and he ran out of the bathroom screaming "Everyone hates me! Well I hate you! I hate everyone-"
"Well, welcome to the group, Layne," dreamer deadpanned. "Now back to business. What were we doing before we had this problem with KelNino?"
Flash thought for a moment and replied, "I think we were going to bring James back."
"But hasn't he died already?" Scars asked.
"No, he came back." Angie replied.
"But then went away on a tour bus." dreamer added.
"But then he came back and had puppies. Again." Flash noted.
"And then he disappeared again...er..."
"So where is he now?" Angie asked.
"I'm right here!" James piped up as he pushed his way to the front of the anthemboard crowd. "Daniel had me in his backpack. Say, whatever happened to my puppies?"
"We had to leave them with the Humane Society," dreamer reminded him.
"You WHAT?!" James shrieked. He slapped his hands to his face like that kid from Home Alone.
"Yeah, you should have heard them cry-"
"Ohmygod! You abandoned my puppies. Ohmygod!" James fell to his knees and wept...and wept...and wept. The pioneers eventually got tired of watching the shameless display of emotion, so they went off to get a cup of coffee.
"Where are we supposed to get coffee around here?" Layne asked.
"Good point, my Alice In Chains rock star friend!" Ada giggled. "Why don't we go to Seattle and get a cup of the best joe around! Everyone knows Seattle has the best coffee. Right?"
"Sure, I guess so," Layne agreed. "I wouldn't mind going home." So the pioneers hopped onto the magic condom carpet and flew to Seattle, where they had a nice cup of coffee.
Pearlman, the creator of NSYNC and BSB and LFO.."Pioneers, have you noticed that we haven't really done anything productive in the last, say...15 or 20 parts of this story?" dreamer asked. The pioneers nodded. "How about we get Saurus and Redwing to send us back in time so we can do something important..."
"Like saving the Blind Melon guy!" Ada squealed. "I loved Blind Melon. Too bad the singer croaked...but we can stop him from overdosing, right?"
"Right!" the pioneers said in unison. Redwing opened up a time portal and they all stepped through, determined to save Blind Melon's singer from his death...but when they came out on the other end their future friends (Redwing, Sauraus, Flash etc.) were gone. They didn't make it back throught the portal... and they were too late to save Blind Melon because they had finally lapsed back into present time.
And KelNino was there...Layne was gone.
"Aww s**t, we liked Layne so much better!" Angie said.
"It doesn't matter, we need to get something done," stated KelNino.
"Let's think this through over a nice bowl of chronic..." suggested rockstar.
So all the Chosen and Unchosen proceeded to get into a circle and get extremely stoned when dreamer, who wasn't toking, finally thought of what they were to do next. They were to go to Orlando, home of boy bands and pop princesses alike, and assassinate Lou Pearlman, creator of NSync and the BSB and LFO...
"So what's our first order of business?" Daniel giggled, high as a kite.
"My first order of business is to get my platforms back on," she told him. "Yours is to get out of that weed-induced cloud you guys are in. Take your time, I'll post our strategy."
"But why are you changing your shoes?" Ben slurred. "You're such a hot babe in sneakers!"
"I really prefer my purple shoes, Ben, and I think taking them off had something to do with Redwing, Saurus, and Flash not getting through the portal. They're magic shoes, remember? I used them to escape from Britney a few times in case you forgot," she said as she strapped the glittering purple shoes on her feet. "Besides, walking in these has really strengthened my legs, which comes in handy when kicking some serious ass!"
"The girl's got a point," Ada conceded.
"And I think I can use them in our plot against Lou," she continued.
"Huh?" Kelnino was lost.
"You have to be really, really coordinated to walk in these all day with no problems, which I've been doing for the past 11 months. Pop stars have to be able to dance and move well, and I've clearly got the coordination. If Lou sees me strutting in these, preferably at a karaoke bar where I can act like a star with no questions asked, he might ask me to audition for him, and if that happens, we're all set!"
No one was sober enough to argue with such a smart idea, so they decided to set out the next morning after the stupor wore off. The following evening, they found just the right karaoke bar in downtown Orlando.
"This place sucks!" Kelnino stated as she watched two very gay men perform 'I Got You Babe.'
"I dunno...I like it well enough..." Robin muttered absently as he checked out a man's ass. "Ooohh...nice pants."
Meanwhile, dreamer was flipping through the karaoke song book. "Hey, look at this song...I could get attention with that one...but I'm gonna need a few backup singers."
"Which one?" KelNino asked, looking over dreamer's shoulder. "OMYGOD! dreamer! You can't sing that! It's against our religion!"
"What religion?"
"Good point, dreamer," KelNino considered. "And I suppose it's for the good of rock. Okay, I'll help. You, me, Fireangel, Rockstar and Junta can belt that baby out."
"Okay, great," dreamer exclaimed. "Now all we have to do is dress up really slutty, find the guts to rip that song off, and maybe even do a nasty dance number. You know, get Lou Pearlman's attention so he'll let us into the studio."
"Where we'll kill Nsync and his other bastard prodigy!" Fireangel chimed in.
"Exactly! So you guys think you can sing this song *and* keep your food down?" dreamer asked.
"Depends on what song it is..." Rockstar tentetively said. "What song is it?"
"The dastardly pop anthem to end all dastardly pop anthems!" KelNino sobbed, raising her hands in the air. "The song we have to sing is 'Baby One More Time!'"
"Eeek! Do we have to?" Rockstar squealed in horror.
"Well, do you want to kill Lou's bastard prodigy or not?" dreamer scolded.
"All right, all right," Rockstar agreed.
"Hey, good fellows?" Robin interrupted. "If you want them, I have a trunk full of slutty clothes...hold on." To the pioneers' discomfort, Robin reached into his back pocket (which, much like Mary Poppins' bag and Daniel's backpack, was a deep pit filled with assorted junk) and pulled out a huge wooden trunk with fishnet stockings and feather boas hanging out of the closed lid. Robin opened it to reveal his stash of sequin-, lace-, and snakeskin-adorned hookerish outfits. "Okay, take your pick and then you ladies can try to sing 'Baby One More Time.'"
"Robin, I don't want to know why you have these things or where the hell you got them..." Angie said as she reached into the trunk and pulled out her performance outfit, which was a plaid Catholic school girl uniform.
"Oh dear!" squealed Robin. "This reminds me of my girlish days back in prep school when all of my friends and I would secretly hack our skirts up shorter when the headmaster wasn't looking, heehee!"
"You mean you actually wore this?" asked Angie in disgust.
"Of course, silly!"
They got into their costumes (between the heels, tight jeans, and black velvet top, dreamer decided she was glammed-out enough already) and got ready to sing when they noticed Lou in the audience. He winked at Daniel and immediately sat next to him. "You know, I could make you a star, young lady..."