Part 61
Meanwhile, in the tent, cans of Spam were flying everywhere. Pots were boiling, meat-like products were frying, and everybody was having a jolly good time. Then suddenly, an uninvited visitor came to ruin their Spam-alicious fun. To the surprise of many, it just so happened to be...Christina Aguilera?! Back to silverchair stuff
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Get her! Get her!" Kelnino shrieked.
Junta reached for a carving knife and lunged towards Christina, who threw her hands in front of her face and let out a surprisingly masculine scream of terror.
"WAIT" Ada shouted, pulling the knife out of Junta's hands. "That's not Christina, it's Robin in a wig and some of Daniel's makeup!"
Robin, visibly shaken, pulled off the wig to reveal his floppy brown locks. "Yes, it's me. Sorry about that, guys, but I chose Dare, and - "
"Never mind, Robin, we get the idea," Angie said. "Just get your arse out of here, that makeup is creeping me out!"
Robin returned to the game of Truth or Dare, sat down, and pouted. "No more stuff that could get me killed, okay? Junta was going to stab me!"
"Okay, fine, no more pop-star dares," dreamer said. "Now whose turn is it?"
"Mine," Robin said. "Daniel, truth or dare?"
"Truth!" Daniel replied.
"Which member of the bathroom pioneers would you most want to sleep with? And I don't mean me."
"Uh...well, I would say Sweep, but she'd be very disappointing in bed. She doesn't seem to -"
"Ugh! Daniel!" Heath covered his ears. "Get on with it and answer the question!"
"Jolly elfs, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to get off on a tangent and all because - "
"Shut up and answer!"
"Oh, okay. What was the question again?" Daniel scratched his head.
dreamer rolled her eyes and replied "Who would you most want to sleep with?"
"Oohh..." Daniel pondered. "I'd have to say...Chris."
"Chris?!" Robin's jaw dropped.
"Well, the first time we did it he was just so good. And the way he talked dirty...meeeeow! So I guess I'd love a second round - "
"Oh good grief, Daniel..." dreamer leaned over and gagged violently. "Please - don't explain. Just (gag)...just get on with the next truth or dare (gag)."
"All right! I think I will!" Daniel giggled. "dreamer -truth or dare!"
"Truth..." dreamer supressed the last of her gagging.
"Oh?" Daniel raised an eyebrow before giggling into his palm. "Teehee! Okay, okay (clearing throat). dreamer, name one sexy thing about each person in this circle. That means you, me, Robin, and Heath."
"I have to name something sexy about Heath too?!" dreamer was flabbergasted. "Where am I supposed to come up with something sexy about Heath?"
"Oh shut up." Heath snapped. "I'm the sexiest thing here, damnit."
"Haha! If you say so! Haha!" dreamer laughed. "Okay, okay. Something sexy about me, Daniel, Robin, and Heath. Hmm...I guess I'll start with me. I'm a Bad Girl. Everyone knows Bad Girls are sexy by definition," she purred. "As for you guys - Daniel, you're funny; Robin, you've got that sexy British accent; Heath, you...ahh crap. I guess you're funny on occasion. And by the way, Heath, it's my turn. Truth or dare?
"My turn? S**t..." Heath grumbled. "Okay, I take dare."
"Dare, eh?" dreamer thought for a moment and replied. "Okay, here's your dare. I want you to eat five whole watermelons!"
"Five watermelons?" Heath asked incredulously.
"Okay...5 whole watermelons, a gallon of skim milk, AND 3 cans of creamed corn!" dreamer added.
"Wait!" Daniel interrupted. "AND a Snickers bar!"
"Okay, and a Snickers bar," dreamer agreed. She picked up Daniel's backpack and rummaged around for a few minutes. Luckily she found 3 massive cans of creamed corn, the watermelons, an old melted snickers bar and a gallon of milk (that was well past expiration date, but she decided not to mention that to Heath). She handed the food over to Heath, who slowly began to eat. In no time it was gone and Heath let out a loud burp just as Bozo the clown arrived. (They were in a circus, after all...)
"Bozo!" Daniel squealed with glee.
"Wait a minute, that's just Robin in Christina Aguilera make-up again, Danny."
Just then, Ash came out of the tent and handed something to Robin. "Robin, do you know what this is?...It's a makeup-remover towelette. For the love of Spam, use it before Junta tries to clobber you again!" She adjusted her chef's hat and returned to the Spam cookoff.
"She's right, Rob," dreamer laughed. "Daniel and I made you look a little *too* much like Christina!" She yanked the blonde Dee Snider-esque wig off his head and stuffed it back into Daniel's bag, then began wiping off the frightening makeup.
"My turn," Heath chuckled. "Daniel, truth or dare?" he snickered evilly.
"What do you mean?" Daniel scratched his head in puzzlement.
"Pick truth or dare, you geek."
"Whatever for?" Daniel was thoroughly confused.
Heath sighed in exasperation. "Damnit, Daniel. Haven't you been paying attention for the entire last chapter? We've been playing truth or dare."
"Oh...why are you doing that?"
"That's it! You little wanker!" Heath jumped up from his spot on the concrete and began to strangle Daniel violently. He screamed obscenities at the top of his lungs as Dan's head was thrown back and forth. Pioneers ran out of the circus tent when they heard the screaming and piled on top of Heath. Eventually, they were able to tear Daniel away from Heath, but not before the damage was done.
"Aw, dammit Heath!" Jill screamed. "Look what you did to Daniel!"
Daniel was rolling around on the ground, toungue hanging out, slobber flying. "Wheeee! That was jolly funnnn...na na na...durr." Suddenly he fell silent and stared up at the sky.
"Damn, Heath must have smacked Daniel's head against the pavement..." KelNino mourned. "Look at him, he's a vegetable." Daniel was shaking his hands around crazily while moaning something.
"That's it, Heath!" Jill's bitch side was released. "I'm sick of your bulls**tting! Fellow pioneers, I say we oust Heath from the group!"
"Yeah," dreamer considered. "I mean, he's damaged Daniel's brain even worse."
"Poor Daniel..." KelNino sniffled, wiping tears from her eyes. "I guess it could be worse..."
"Yeah..." Kearbear agreed. "He could be fat."
"Oh shut up, Kearbear," KelNino snapped.
"Enough!" dreamer took command. "Who says we exile Heath?!"
"We do!" the entire group said in unison.
"Then I guess that's it, goodbye Heath!" KelNino pushed Heath away.
"Yeah, goodbye ugly. U-G-L-Y, you aint got no alibi, you ugl-"
"Shut up!" Heath threw a shoe and hit Kearbear smack between the eyes. "You haven't seen the last of me! I'm going to go join the pop side and bring your downfall, you bastard pioneers! Bwahahaha!" And with that, he ran away over the horizon, leaving the pioneers in dismay.
Angie threw off her pointy birthday hat and licked some Spam off the corner of her mouth. "Let's kill him before he gets the chance!" But the pioneers were too late. Heath had escaped to the dark side.
"Yo, where's Nathaniel?" KelNino looked around. "He can help us with Heath."
Nathaniel, Daniel's once-evil twin, stepped forward from the group. He waved nervously. "I don't know what we can do for the bugger. He's not hypnotised by the pop side or anything, so we can't depop him. We just basically pissed him off enough to force him over there. I don't think there's any solution right now," he shrugged.
"He's got a point. Heath hasn't exactly been kidnapped by pop...we've never dealt with a deserter before..." Scars thought.
"He's not a deserter, Scars..." KelNino pointed out. "We kicked the fellow out, period." the pioneers gloomily soaked this in for a moment.
Suddenly, Junta had another wacky idea to cheer them all up. "I know! Why don't we do the hokey pokey?! C'mon! That's what it's all about!"
Everyone looked at Junta and shook their heads in pity.
"It's okay, Junta..." Kelnino said as she watched Junta do the hokey-pokey to the music in her head. "The men in the white jackets will be here soon." The pioneers bowed their heads in sorrow at Junta's insanity.
"She was such a nice girl..." Melinda sniffled.
"Yeah..." Sky nodded. "So full of pent-up anger and witchcraft. A nice girl."
"So very sweet..." Scars wiped tears from her eyes.
"And that's what it's all about about! Ow!" Junta danced around. "Come on, guys, join the fun! Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and you shake it all about..."
"Wait a second," dreamer piped up. "Junta might be on to something here! And even if she's not, we could sure use the break anyway!"
"True," Ash mused. "Besides, we *are* having a Spam fest at a carnival, the fumes probably just got to her."
Sooooooo...Ben cued up an old 45 of The Hokey Pokey on an old turntable that conveniently happened to be lying around, and the pioneers began to dance. Clumsily, of course, since most of them hadn't done it since the age of 5. But by the third or fourth time, everyone was doing it perfectly and singing along like the nutcases they were (lol j/k guys!).
"Something's happening," Sky suddenly remarked.