A Play in Two Acts
by
Bryan Leckie
İ 2002 Bryan Leckie
bryanleckie@bmts.com
(519) 376-1833 (519) 371-1872 Fax (519) 376-6900
Box 381 Owen Sound, Ontario Canada N4K 2K6
CASTLE DRACULA
"Goodnight Mr. Renfield"
CAST
COUNT DRACULA
LUCY DRACULA
RENFIELD (Dracula's Manservant)
LARRY TALBOT (The Wolfman)
THE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (3 Fabulously Beautiful
Women)
MR. CRISWELL (The Bus Driver)
JOHNATHAN HARKER
MINA HARKER
DR. VAN HELSING
KARLA KARLOFF & LAURA LAGOSI
STAGING:
As the audience enters the theatre, all staff should
be dressed slightly
"goth" .... not enough to be recognized as "in costume"
or "dressed up" ...
but rather with just a hint of an unsettling "something"....
blood-red or
black lipstick or nailpolish, or severe black clothing.
However, it is very
important that the appearance of the staff should
never be altered enough
that the audience member can really be sure ... but
rather just be made to
feel uneasy or slightly disoriented.
There should be a nurse visible in the lobby (not
in a costume). She should
be in authentic nurse-wear and simply mingling or
chatting.
Mr. Criswell (the bus driver) should also be present
in the lobby (in bus
driver uniform) drinking, laughing, talking, (perhaps
talking on a phone
vaguely about bus parts). It should seem like he
just happens to be there
... not in make-up ... not as part of the production.
Somehow he should
attempt to subtly draw attention to himself as the
audience members pass
through or linger in the lobby.
The ticket-taker should make eye contact with the
audience members as they
enter, but then decline to take their ticket, instead
directing them to the
ushers who exchange their tickets for a bus pass.
"You'll be needing this
tomorrow. Thank you for your patience. Here's your
seat. Thank you."
The purpose of all this is to be subtly unsettling
or disorienting to the
audience member without there being any definitive
source of anxiety that he
or she can put their finger on.
The theatre should be very dimly lit with red lighting
overtones. The stage
curtains should be open. The stage is dramatically
lit. Sheet lightning
should appear through the windows and thunder quietly
or subsonicly rumble
regularly throughtout the performance from seating
to departure including
intermission. Music quietly playing in both the theatre
and lobby should be
dramatic classical organ .
The actual performance begins just before everyone
is seated. Mr. Criswell
enters up the aisle and begins his opening announcements
even before
reaching the stage. Late audience arrivals are permitted
and even
encouraged as those unfortunate enough to arrive late
will find themselves
incorporated in the performance.
ACT ONE
THE SET
The scene is Count Dracula's drawing room. The walls
and shelves should be
lined with leather and hardbound books and various
eccentricities. A large
window should be present through which the night,
the stars, sheet
lightning, etc. can be seen. Perhaps dark undefined
shapes, or figures can
randomly pass by without notice. Dracula's furniture
should be
appropriately dramatic .... leather or antique couches
and chairs placed
comfortably more or less facing the audience as if
the audience completes a
smaller setting.
Oriental rugs and rich lush curtains would also be
appropriate. The entire
set however must be presented in complete solemnity
... not camp ... not
corny ...as realisticly as possible. Candlelight
or simulated candlelight
effects would add to the mood. A grand piano with
candellabra would also be
appropriate.
CRISWELL:
Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! Could
I please have your
attention! Yes. People..... yes. Please be seated.
That's right. Just
push in over there. Everybody find a seat. Now then.
As you know, there's
been a slight change of plan ... but don't worry.
We can make up for the
time by taking the Borgo Pass through the Carpathian
Mountains to
Klausenburg instead of the planned route and by tomorrow
night we'll be
right back on schedule. But .... ah ... for now ....
I'm afraid we're
unable to acquire the particular part we need until
the morning ... so
rather than spending the night at the hotel in Bistritz,
we've been
gratiously invited to remain here in Castle Dracula.
Now, I know what
you're thinking ... but it will not affect the cost
of your tour package and
I assure you, this will be a night to remember. (A
wolf howls in the
distance) Please make yourselves comfortable. There's
really nothing we
can do. But for now ....
( Enter Dracula slowly from the top of the straircase
during Criswellıs
speech ... quietly coming up behind him.)
DRACULA:
Good evening.
CRISWELL:
(Jumping almost out of his skin and screaming like
a little girl)
(embarassed)
Jesus! You almost scared me to death! (holding his
heart)
DRACULA:
Forgive me, please, Mr. Criswell. How nice to see
you again. Are these the
stranded travellers?
CRISWELL:
Why, yes. I must thank you again for your kind hospitality.
Ladies and
gentlemen, it is with great honour that I introduce
to you .....
DRACULA: (holding up his hand to Criswell)
Allow me. I am Dracula. Please, enter freely and
of your own will. Make
yourselves at home. That's right. How weary you
must be from your long
journey. Iım sure you will find this part of the
castle ... inviting. I
took the liberty of having your luggage brought up.
Splendid. You there...
how nice to see you. How are you? And you my fair
lady .... you look
scrumptious this evening. You must tell me where
you got that dress. How
are you? Pleased to meet you. No, no. Please remain
seated. Oh... where
are my manners? Renfield! You must forgive me.
Renfield! We don't get
many visitors these days. Renfield! Where is that
little man?
(Criswell tries to catch Draculaıs eye)
DRACULA:
Oh, go ahead Mr. Criswell. See to your affairs.
Weıll be fine. (to the
audience) Wonıt we?
CRISWELL:
Aright then. Any questions? Youıre in good hands.
Count Draculaıs
hospitality is well known throughout Transyvania.
Iıll see you all in the
morning. We should have the bus ready to go by about
ten, I should think.
Then weıll be on our way. (to Dracula) Thank you
again, Count. It is very
kind .......
DRACULA:
My pleasure entirely. Until morning then, Mr. Criswell.
(exit Criswell)
Now, where is that Renfield. Renfield!
(Enter Renfield)
RENFIELD:
(grovelling) Master. I am here.
DRACULA:
Ah, there you are. My friends, may I present my manservant,
Renfield. He
will be seeing to your every desire. Renfield has
been with my family for
..... how long has it been? .... years and years.
Renfield, please ....
cognac for our guests. What? (Renfield whispers
in his ear) Oh, I don't
know.... twenty or thirty maybe. Go! Go!
(Exit Renfield)
DRACULA:
Where was I? So .... who's from out ot town? Sorry
... just kidding. Why
are you looking at me like that? Do you think me
a cold humourless
creature? Oh no, my friends. Without humour, what
a dull and joyless world
it would be. Life would seem a dark eternity. But
seriously ... you must
tell me more about yourselves. You .... yes, you
there .... in the red
sweater. How is your vacation so far? No? Very
well. She's a shy one.
Perhaps you sir? (Single out any late arrivals.)
Where's that Renfield?
Renfield!
(Enter Renfield with a large tray of drinks in small
glasses. He approaches
Dracula.)
DRACULA:
No. No. Where are your manners? Serve our guests
first. You must again
forgive Renfield. He's not used to company.
(Renfield goes down into the audience and offers drinks
to the first row.)
DRACULA:
Please. Do not offend me. Have a refreshing beverage.
Please. (continues
until audience members accept a couple of drinks)
Now, there is something I
must show you. Where is that? (Dracula turns away
from the audience and
searches his shelves for something)
(Renfield continues to offer drinks until Dracula
turns away. He selects an
appropriate sensitive looking audience member and
pulls the drink away as
she reaches to take the glass. He drinks it himself.
He looks to see if
Dracula is watching and drinks another. He returns
to the stage and offers
Dracula a glass.)
DRACULA:
Ah. Delightful. May I be so bold as to offer a toast
for this evening.
May it be everything you hoped for ...... and more.
My delicious new
friends .... to your health and happiness. May you
stay forever young.
(Dracula drinks dramatically and savours the flavour)
Enchanting. It
teases ....then turns away provocatively...only to
return... to slide....
sensuously..... slowly .... down ...... toward your
unsuspecting soul!
................. Yum! (Dracula picks up a dusty
leather bound volume and
blows dust off)
Normally we like to watch a little TV in the evening.
Renfield makes this
incredible caramel popcorn, but unfortunately the
storm seems to have
knocked out the cable, so..... I guess we'll have
to improvise. Ah,
here's something. These are some poems I wrote a
while ago. Just trifles
really. Amusements. Probably not very good, but
..... well, tell me what
you think. Let's see. (thumbs through the pages...
begins reading one ...
smiles...) Oh, perhaps not this one. A little ......
erotic. Sorry. Ah
..... here's a nice one entitled "Death Enfolded
Me Like a Lady's Silken
Gown". (puts on reading glasses) Forgive me. Without
these........ Iım
blind as a bat. (reads)
Death enfolded me like a lady's silken gown
So soft yet somehow cool to the touch
Entoxicating
The sweet earthen scent
I cannot breath,
I cannot breath
My body contracts fetally in agonizing convulsion
Enraptured in the lush, plush lining
Of the casket's suffocating interior
Somewhere above a gravedigger whistles
His breath frozen blue in the midnight air
A wolf howls in the distance
Satan drags his huge yellow claws
Down the chalkboard of my soul!
All is darkness.
Mommy! Mommy!
But Mommy does not come,
And I must feast before I ............
(Howling is heard outside. There is a desperate scrathing
at the door.
Whimpering)
DRACULA:
Now what's that? At this hour? Excuse me please,
my friends.
(Dracula opens the door. Larry Talbot pushes past
him into the room
oblivious to the audience. Dracula remains at door
momentarily looking for
the source of all the scratching.)
LARRY TALBOT:
(shaking rain off his coat) Good god! I wouldn't
send a dog out on a night
like this.
(suddenly notices the audience)
Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. You have company. I'll come
back another time.
DRACULA:
Nonsense, my friend. Don't be foolish. Let me take
your coat. You must be
exhausted. Come sit with us. Renfield! Ladies and
gentlemen, may I
present my good friend Larry Talbot. Larry, these
are new acquaintances of
ours. Their bus has broken down and they're honouring
us by staying the
night.
LARRY TALBOT:
How do you do. My pleasure entirely. (notices the
book and reading
glasses) He hasn't been boring you with his nasty
poetry has he? Count!
checking out the audience) This is a good looking
group. Nice. (rubs his
eye with his wrist) (lounges on the sofa with his
feet up)
DRACULA:
Where is that Renfield? Really! (gestures serupticiously
to Larry to get
his feet of the sofa)
Here Larry. Try some of these. (offers Larry a dish)
LARRY TALBOT:
(sniffs the bowl) Oh. What are these?
DRACULA:
Criswell brought them from America. They're called
Skittles, I believe.
Quite addicting.
LARRY TALBOT:
Mmmmmmm. Delicious. (picking through them) Where's
all the red ones?
DRACULA:
(embarrassed) Sorry.
(enter Renfield)
DRACULA:
There you are. Get something for Mr. Talbot will
you. What'll it be Larry?
LARRY TALBOT:
Something in a snifter. A nice brandy to take the
chill off, perhaps.
(sniffs Renfield when he's not looking) No ice this
time "Renfield".
(Lucy Dracula appears unnoticed in the doorway at
the top of the staircase.
Renfield notices her, gasps, and drops his tray in
fear.)
RENFIELD:
Master! Master! The Countess! She walks!
DRACULA:
Darling! How was your sleep? Come! Come! We have
guests! Ladies and
gentlemen, may I present my wife ...... the Countess
Dracula! (with a
grand flourish)
LUCY DRACULA: (descending the stairs)
Good evening eveyone. Please call me Lucy. (both
Renfield and Larry Talbot
bow reverently) How delightful of you to join us this
evening. Oh no.
Don't get up. Please. Please. Have the boys offered
you an aperatif?
DRACULA:
Of course, my dear. Do join us.
LUCY DRACULA:
(indicating Renfield) What's "that" doing in here?
Hello Mr. Talbot
(seductively strokes Talbot under the chin. Talbot's
leg twitches.)
LARRY TALBOT:
Good evening Countess ..... and might I say what a
lovely dress you're
wearing this evening. Captivating.
LUCY DRACULA:
Mr. Talbot. (crossing her legs) (Renfield covers
his eyes) Are you trying
to seduce me?
LARRY TALBOT:
I..... I....... uh (glances nervously back and forth
from Dracula to Lucy)
RENFIELD:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, (insanely)
LUCY DRACULA:
Ignore him Larry. He's a buffoon.
DRACULA:
Renfield! (Renfield jumps nervously) Get the Countess
some absinthe on
ice.
RENFIELD:
But Master.......
(Larry Talbot gives Renfield a snarling stare as he
hastily exits)
(Dracula, Lucy, and Larry Talbot sit comfortably facing
the audience.)
DRACULA:
What shall we all talk about? Darling, come, sit
by me.
LARRY TALBOT:
Tell them how you met Lucy ..... er ..... the Countess.
I love that story.
DRACULA:
I'm sure our guests would be bored with our personal
tales, Larry.
LARRY TALBOT:
Oh, no .... really. We'd all like to hear about it
..... wouldn't we
...(conjoling applause from the audience)
DRACULA:
(feigning embarassment) Well, let me see ........
(Renfield enters, serves Lucy her drink, sneaks another
fast one for
himself, and curls up at Dracula's feet like a Disney
character with yet
another couple of drinks that he pours into one glass.)
DRACULA:
We met in London. It was very dark and foggy. I
stood beneath your window
in the blue light of the moon.
LARRY TALBOT:
(howls a little) Sorry. Sorry.
LUCY DRACULA:
I remember I was visiting with my cousin.
DRACULA:
(smiling) Ah yes. She was a sweet one. Soft.
Succulent .......
LUCY DRACULA:
(annoyed) That's enough, Count!
DRACULA:
(recovering) But you my dear ...... were the fairest
of them all. Never
have I beheld such a pale and perfect beauty ............
and I have
........ travelled far. The first time I laid eyes
upon you, I felt a
stabbing pain in my heart. I was breathless. I waited
and watched in the
shadows....... night after night ..... like a stalking
thing ....... hoping
for just a glace .... hoping you might pass.
LUCY DRACULA:
(to the audience)
I thought he would never make his move. Night after
night I paraded around
in silky things ... in front of the window .... out
on the terrace .....
through the old graveyard ......
DRACULA:
I sent roses.......
LUCY DRACULA:
Black roses.
DRACULA:
... and a provocative invitation ....
LUCY DRACULA:
All parchment and sealing wax.
DRACULA:
........scented .....hand delivered to your boudoir
... ..... by a
mysterious stranger .....
LUCY DRACULA:
You mean by that "thing". (indicating Renfield ....
who crawls slightly
further away from her and closer to Dracula) Yes,
all very Harlequin. But
the cafe you suggested was very camp. So I threw
on some old rag I had
hanging in the back of my closet ....
DRACULA:
A black off the shoulder number showing a lot of neck
and leaving not much
else to the imagination.
LUCY DRACULA:
(to the audience) It was a red dress with a very
high collar. You could
barely even see my eyes. He wore all black of course.
He wasn't the
world's most handsome man ..... but there was something
in his eyes .......
not that wounded puppy-dog look .... not that look-after-me,
ruffled genius
act ......but something else ..... something darker
........ something
naughty. I've never felt anything quite like it.
When I talked he would
look right into my eyes and listen, no, actually listen
to what I was saying
.... and I felt he was looking right into my soul
.......... no, actually
.... more like he was looking into my eyes ... "at"
my soul.
(to Dracula) I'll never forget, darling. It was
the single night that
changed my life!
THE SONG: "DRACULA LOVE"
LUCY DRACULA:
You were very very pallid
But you were very very nice
You know you hardly touched your salad
Your fettucini .... cold as ice
The wine we drank Amontillado
Candelabra and white gloves
You leaned across the grand piano
And pledged your Dracula Love.
(During the song three fabulously beautiful women
in flowing white gowns
glide into the background and join in on the choruses.)
LUCY DRACULA:
A little kiss, a little cuddle
A little poke, a little peck
Next thing I know we're in a puddle
Your teeth are buried in my neck
It's exotic, it's erotic
But I'm absolutely drained
You get to savour the narcotic
I get to sleep in the bloodstains.
For your Dracula Love
Your Dracula Love
Your Dracula la la la love.
DRACULA:
Pardon me, but aren't we moody
Could it be something that I said
Am I blinded by your beauty
Am I undone by the undead
Toast and coffee in the coffin
Dry martinis by the pool
The peasants call me Nosferatu
But all my friends call me "Dracool".
Listen ............... hear them singing (girls join
in)
It's "The Children of the Night"
LUCY DRACULA
Jeez, this puncture's really stinging
Are you sure you did it right?
DRACULA
Bella, bella, bella donna
What are you dreaming of?
Come to my castle if you wanna, baby
Yours truly (no pressure)
Dracula Love.
For your Dracula Love
Your Dracula Love
Your Dracula la la la Love!
(all join in on chorus and kick line) (Everyone laughs
and applauds
breathlessly as song ends.)
DRACULA:
(just as applause is dying down)
The "Children of the Night"! What sweet music they
make! Let's hear it for
them!
(doing a slight Ed Sullivan)
(As the applause dies down Larry Talbot emerges to
the front of the stage in
a spotlight. The rest of the cast is "frozen". Renfield
is frozen in a
very awkward and painful pose.)
LARRY TALBOT (soliloquy): (applauding)
Aren't they something? Listen. I'd like to take
this opportunity, if I
might be so bold ..... to tell you a few things about
this man here
(indicating Dracula) ... the Count ..... just between
you and me .....
between friends ....... for he is too modest. I know
some of you may have
come here with some preconceptions. You may have
"heard" some things about
Count Dracula. Some of them may be true, some not.
I don't know. Maybe
he's just a man who cannot die. A man who embraces
his fate, his destiny...
wherever it may lead. Maybe he is an abomination
against God. Something
that slipped between the cracks. And evil. Pure
evil. A vile putresence
conjealed inot the form of a man. But what is a man?
And who will cast the
first stone? Who will cast pearls before swine?
I say no. Let the swine
cast pearls first! The Count and I are alike. We
are ....... "outsiders".
Tortured souls. The horror. The horror. .................
Forgive me. I'm
ranting.
Let me just say this. Beware. Be very ware. Count
Dracula can be
charming, disarmingly charming.... all dressed up
in his romantic Byronic
gear. And you ladies, I know how you secretly love
the "bad boy". But
believe me .... this is beyond your wildest dreams.
Beneath all those
stilted manners beats the heart of a vampire.... if
indeed there beats a
heart at all. His eyes are strange and hypnotic as
the venomous snake.
Beware. (turns away as if finished, but then turns
back to the audience)
Oh,...... and whatever you do .......... donıt tell
him your name. "Why?",
you ask. I will tell you. With only your name, he
has the power to find
you at will ..... his will .... anytime .... anywhere.
There is absolutely
no escape. I know what youıre thinking. Thatıs impossible.
Old Larryıs
just trying to scare us with one of his Transylvanian
folk tales. Itıs
impossible. Youıll return to your homes far away,
across the ocean perhaps,
tucked in your sweet beds, secure in the knowledge
that you are too far
distant for Count Dracula to reach you in a single
night and that he would
have no way to locate you even if searched an eternity.
Ah, but thereıs the
rub! Thatıs not how he travels. Only peasants are
forced to travel the
distance between two points by actually travelling
the lineal "distance"
between the two points. Count Dracula, during his
extensive study of things
arcane and occult over the centuries has uncovered
the "secret" ...... not
unlike your precious Philosopherıs Stone .... the
secret of interdimensional
travel. By merely "pronouncing" your name aloud,
Dracula can step into the
shadows of this place, from within these castle walls,
and step out of the
shadows of your own bedroom, wherever in the world
that might be. Yes.
Itıs true. He steps out of these three dimensions
(pantomimes the step)
..... into the fourth dimension .... from which he
may exit (moves quickly
to a new position and pantomimes the exit tino a new
three dimensional
location - smiling) into any place or time he might
choose. He needs only
your name. I know. They used to think he transmutated
into the form of a
bat or dare I say .... a wolf ... but not so. That
is all superstition.
The mere fact that you do not believe, gives him power
over you. So when
you awaken suddenly from a dream, with strange sensations,
and an unusual
taste in your mouth, or sweet earthen breath on your
face ... it may be a
visit from your congenial host, Count Dracula. If
you doubt me, by all
means ..... tell him your name. Those of you who
heed my words, please, try
not to draw Draculaıs attention to yourselves... and
maybe, just maybe ....
some of you will be spared. (crosses himself) God
bless you all. What? Me?
Oh he wouldnıt hurt me. (whispering) The Countess
would kill him.
Ssssssshhhh! (Approaches frozen Lucy Dracula. Strokes
her cheek.) Ah, the
Countess. What big .... eyes you have. (Quickly checks
to make sure Dracula
is still frozen) Enough for now.
(Larry Talbot pushes over the precariously balanced
Renfield who falls in a
clatter of tray and glasses. Everyone awakes from
the soliloquitic
"spell".)
LUCY DRACULA:
What was I saying .......? I forget. I hate when
that happens, donıt you?
Oh well, I think Iıll go slip into something a little
more ...
"comfortable". (Gives Larry a little look and a hair
toss. Larry looks
nervously around to make sure Dracula didnıt notice.)
(exit Lucy Dracula)
DRACULA:
We must be boring these good people to tears, Larry.
Where are our manners?
The beautiful woman in the red dress. (indicating
someone from the
audience) Come here. Yes. You. Yes, this way.
Your friend as well.
Please. Don't be shy. We won't bite. (Karla and
Laura come up from the
audience) What is your name, my dear?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Karla. (laughs nervously) Karla Karloff.
DRACULA:
Karloff?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Yes. My father was an actor. Perhaps youıve heard
of him.
DRACULA:
Karloff?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Boris Karloff.
DRACULA:
No. I canıt say that I have. But we donıt get out
much, do we Renfield?
(Renfield does a comical "Frankenstein" walk begind
the girlsı backs. Then
he sticks his finger down his throat and pretends
to gag.)
DRACULA:
Karloff you say? Hmmmm. (trying not to laugh at
Renfield) No. Doesnıt
ring a bell.
Weıll have to keep an eye out for him on the late
show. And who is this
enchanting creature with you?
LAURA LAGOSI:
( The two girls whisper to each other and laugh.)
Iım Laura Lagosi.
DRACULA:
(responds with surprise and delight, then composes
himself) Youıre pulling
an old manıs leg, arenıt you. (acts as if the girls
from the audience are
improvising a joke on him during this one particular
performance ... and
letıs the audience in on the joke)
LAURA LAGOSI:
I don't know.
DRACULA:
You don't know?
LAURA LAGOSI:
I don't know what I'm supposed to say. (nervous laughter.
more whispering
and nervous laughter between two girls)
DRACULA:
That's all right. I'm sure there will many surprises
during your visit.
Give them a round of applause folks. They are as
brave as they are
beautiful. (The girls begin to exit the stage nervously.)
No. Please.
Stay here with us a while. Renfield! Renfield!
Bring our young friends
one of our very special drinks! (Renfield whispers
in Dracula's ear)
That's right. The special drinks. (the girls sit
down on the sofa) (Exit
Renfield)
(Lucy Dracula returns in sexy nightware - spins)
LUCY DRACULA:
What do you think ?
DRACULA:
Itıs fabulous, isnıt it Larry?
LARRY TALBOT:
(pauses - obviously impressed) .......... What?
Oh, yes...... fabulous.
KARLA KARLOFF:
Oh, wow! Wow! Where did you get that?
LUCY DRACULA:
Actually, the Count brought it back from Hollywood.
I think it once
belonged to Gretta Garbo.
LAURA LAGOSI:
Who?
LUCY DRACULA:
Perhaps a little before your time, my dear.
(Larry Talbot suddenly grabs at his own throat in
some distress)
LARRY TALBOT:
Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.
DRACULA:
Are you OK , Larry?
LARRY TALBOT:
Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. (Larry
drops to his knees.)
RENFIELD:
The moon! Master! ................. Itıs the full
moon!
LARRY TALBOT:
Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough!
KARLA KARLOFF:
Whatıs happening?
(Everyone backs away)
LAURA LAGOSI:
Oh my God!
LARRY TALBOT:
Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough!
(Larry starts grabbing at his face and rolling on
the floor)
LUCY DRACULA:
Larry! (Reaches to comfort him)
DRACULA:
Better not get too close, darling. I think heıs transmutating.
Why does he
always come over here to do that?
KARLA KARLOFF:
What?
LAURA LAGOSI:
Oh my God!
RENFIELD:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
LARRY TALBOT:
Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough! Cough!
(Larry Talbot staggers behind the couch and collapses
out of sight)
(There is a long pause as everyone waits to see what
Larry looks like
when/if he gets up.)
RENFIELD:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
(Larry Talbot slowly and dramatically rises, his hair
mussed up, wiping his
mouth.)
LARRY TALBOT:
Sorry. Just a furball.
LAURA LAGOSI:
Ewwww! Gross!
KARLA KARLOFF:
I think Iım going to be sick.
(Everyone turns away in disgust ..... except Renfield
who stares at the
thing. He picks it up. It is a rubbery, gooey, stringy,
slippery gob. It
slips from his hands onto the floor. He picks it
up and approaches the
audience with it exposed in his palms.)
DRACULA:
Renfeild! No one wants to see that. Take it to your
room if you want it.
(Renfield turns to Dracula as if complying. When
Dracula looks away,
Renfield tosses a chunk into the audience and quickly
exits.)
LARRY TALBOT:
Sorry. What were you saying?
(A crash is heard offstage)
(Enter Renfield excited)
RENFIELD:
Master! Master! I think thereıs someone upstairs!
DRACULA:
Well, go see who it is.
RENFIELD:
Master, Iım ...... afraid.
DRACULA:
(Shakes his head in disgust) Come Larry. Probably
just some of the
creepers ..... (catches himself) ....... probably
just the wind. The
windows often blow open during a storm. Darling,
weıll be back shortly.
(to audience) Excuse us please. Weıll leave you to
the hospitality of the
Countess.
(Exit Dracula and Larry Talbot) (Renfield sets drinks
down on coffee table
and sits with the girls. Lucy Dracula gives him an
icy stare.)
RENFIELD:
(Very afraid of Lucy ....pretends to hear something)
Yes master! Iım
coming!
(exit Renfield)
LUCY DRACULA:
Well, I guess itıs just us girls. (Karla and Laura
whisper nervously to
each other, giggling) Relax, girls, relax. I wonıt
bite. Here ...... have
a taste of this. (Fills the three glasses with green
liquid from the
decanter. She then reaches into her gown and pulls
a small exotic vial from
between her breasts and empties some of its contents
into the drinks.) To
the fairer sex! (they toast and clink glasses) Easy
girls. You must drink
this slowly ....... as if itıs the most exquisite,
intoxicating liquid.
Feel it slide provocatively across your tonge .....
like a midnight lover.
Thatıs it. Thatıs it.
LAURA LAGOSI:
Oh wow! Thatıs like........ so cool!
KARLA KARLOFF:
Itıs fucking fantastic! (slight awkward pause - then
all three laugh)
Sorry. (to the audience) Sorry. Iım already a little
messed up!
LAURA LAGOSI:
What is it?
LUCY DRACULA:
Absinthe .... with a hint of laudanum .... and ice.
Have you ever tried it
before?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Are you kidding? Iıve never even heard of it. It
must be strictly .......
European.
LUCY DRACULA:
It will help you .... relax. (Karla and Lucy are
already sliding down into
the couch)
LAURA LAGOSI:
Could I have some more? I think Iım getting "relaxed".
(an impression of
Lucy Draculaıs accent) (laughs)
KARLA KARLOFF:
Countess .......
LUCY DRACULA:
Please ...... call me Lucy.
LAURA LAGOSI:
(drunk) Lucy ............. you got some splaininı
to do. (laughs)
KARLA KARLOFF:
(to Laura) Shut- tup! (laughs) No really. Lucy
........ could I ask you
a personal question?
LUCY DRACULA:
Of course, my dear ........ anything. Itıs just us
girls. (give knowing
aside glance to the audience) Right?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Is Count Dracula ............... really ............
you know ...........
a vampire?
(Laura Lagosi laughs nervously)
LUCY DRACULA:
You mean ......... does he come in the night and suck
the life right out of
you?
............................................. They
all do, honey ........
they all do.
(All three laugh. Laura snorts a bit. Then they
all laugh more. Snort.
More laughter)
LAURA LAGOSI
(laughing) I canıt believe you asked her that.
LUCY DRACULA: (lights a cigarette on a holder and
takes a long drag)
You know girls ...... theyıre all the same. Youıll
see. In the begining
itıs all attention ... "Youıre so beautiful" ......
"Youıre sooo sexy"
....... "Iıve never met anyone like you" .............until
they get what
theyıre after. If you play your cards right, you
can sustain the "magic and
mystery" for a while ....... but as time goes by........
everything becomes
.......... "familiar" ....... more "routine" ..........
The next thing you
know he comes crawling home in the middle of the night
....... engorged like
a fat mosquito ..... with the scent of strange women
on his breath. (pause)
I know what youıre thinking. It wonıt be like that
for you
...................... but it will. (drinks entire
glass and pours another)
KARLA KARLOFF:
Why do you stay with him? Why donıt you leave. I
would.
LUCY DRACULA:
You donıt understand. Itıs not that simple. The
Count is very special.
When Count Dracula comes to me ....... and looks into
my eyes ........ he
makes me feel like the most desired woman in the world
........ (sighs)
........
LAURA LAGOSI:
How does he do that? Heıs a little .............
old ..... isnıt he?
What does he say?
LUCY DRACULA:
He doesnıt say anything, really. You just .......
yearn for him........
like a ship drawn to the moon.
LAURA LAGOSI:
Is he good in bed?
KARLA KARLOFF:
Laura! (laughs) Is he? I bet he is! Isnıt he?
LUCY DRACULA:
Actually ....... (looks around) .... actually the
Count is a little ......
"old fashioned", if you know what I mean.
LAURA LAGOSI:
(pauses) You mean he doesnıt ..............
LUCY DRACULA:
The Count doesnıt feel "comfortable" engaging in some
of the alternative
forms of love making. I think he is so competely
"satisfied" with his
personal modus operandi, that everything else is just
a distraction. Donıt
get me wrong. The Count has taken me into worlds
of ecstasy Iıve never
dared dream of .......... but .......
KARLA KARLOFF:
But ..............
LUCY DRACULA:
But Larry on the other hand .............
KARLA KARLOFF:
Larry Talbot?
LUCY DRACULA:
"Larry" on the other hand ............. is a real
animal.
LAURA LAGOSI & KARLA KARLOFF:
Oh my God! Oh my God! No way! Oh my God!
LUCY DRACULA:
Ssshhhhh! Perhaps Iıve had a little too much absinthe
too .....
LAURA LAGOSI:
(slurring) Absinthe! ...... Absinthe makes the
heart grow fonder!
(slides out of her seat onto the floor, laughing)
Oops.
LUCY DRACULA:
Come girls. Itıs bedtime. Let's get our jimjams
on. Maybe we can get some
of the others to join us for a bra and panties pillow
fight a little later.
What do you think ladies? (to the audience) Are
you up for something a
little naughty. We won't tell, will we girls?
(Exit Lucy Dracula, Laura Lagosi, and Karla Karloff
...... coming back for
the drinks..... and exiting again. Hushed laughter
and giggling.)
(enter Dracula with Renfield stage left)
DRACULA:
Are you sure you heard something unusual?
RENFIELD:
Yes master. Something is in the castle.
(enter Larry Talbot with Johnathan Harker and Mina
Harker from stage right)
LARRY TALBOT:
Oh, there you are. May I present Mr. Johnathan Harker
and his wife Mina. I
found them in the library ........... completely lost.
DRACULA:
(annoyed but charming) I am Dracula. Enter freely
and of your own will.
Please, join us. Renfield. Some refreshments for
the Harkers.
RENFIELD:
(feigning exhaustion) Yes master. Refreshments for
the Harkers.
DRACULA:
Mr. Harker. You seem ................ familiar.
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
(obviously uncomfortable) I donıt believe weıve ever
been introduced, Count
Dracula. It is an honor. Iıve heard much about you.
DRACULA:
Iım afraid my reputation exceeds me.
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
That is quite a collection of esoteric literature
you have. Iım sorry.
I couldnıt help but notice. Iım a collector of rare
books myself ........
from London.
DRACULA:
I hope you found my volumes ........ interesting.
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Oh, very. Iıve never seen some of those titles before.
Quite remarkable.
If you ever want your collection catalogued or appraised,
I would be more
than happy ..... (handing Dracula a business card)
...... to ........
(Dracula examines the card eagerly)
DRACULA:
Is this your ....... home address, Mr. Harker?
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
(pointing at the card) Why yes. Right here.
DRACULA:
Excellent. (looks at Mina and then back at the card
again) Excellent.
LARRY TALBOT:
(to audience) Bad idea.
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Pardon me?
LARRY TALBOT:
Nothing.
(Dracula looks adoringly at Mina Harker and kisses
her hand obviously
attracted to her.)
DRACULA:
I am Dracula. (still holding her hand)
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
(uncomfortable) Forgive me. Count Dracula, may I
present my wife, Mina.
DRACULA:
Enchanted. Rarely do we receive such intoxicating
and totally beguiling
women at Castle Dracula. Are all the woman in London
as beautiful as your
wife, Mr. Harker?
(He sniffs her hair when she turns to Johnathan.
Then she turns back ...
embarrassed.)
MINA HARKER:
Actually, Iım originally from Owen Sound. (or wherever
the play is being
performed)
DRACULA:
Owen Sound? Where in the hell is that? Write that
down Larry. We must
visit there one day. (to the Harkers as he leads
them to a seat) Come
tell us all about it. Renfield! Something special
for Mr. and Mrs. Harker.
Now, tell us more about this "Owen Sound" of yours.
MINA HARKER:
Well ..... Itıs in Ontario, Canada, actually............
you know, across
the Atlantic. I came over with my family to visit
.............
DRACULA:
(Not listening ... just gazing at Mina) What is that
fragrence my dear? So
alluring ....... so enchanting.........
(Johnathan Harker is somewhat uncomfortble with the
Count's attention to his
wife.)
(Renfied reappears with more drinks. He drinks a
couple of quick ones
himself when no one is looking.)
MINA HARKER:
Iım not sure. (shyly) Johnathan gave it to me for
my birthday.
DRACULA:
Iım sure he did, my dear. Iım sure he did.
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Excuse me?
(Dracula himself takes the drinks from the tray and
presents them to the
Harkers.)
DRACULA:
A toast, if I may, to our new friends, the Harkers
......... May your
marriage be filled with magic and wonder .......
and may your nights be
filled with unspeakable pleasures ........... And
to you ....... (to the
audience) .... to all our special visitors tonight.....
May this be an
unforgettable smorgasbord of humble amusements.
(Renfield begins staring at Johnathan Harkerıs collar.
He comes closer, and
closer .. staring intently)
LARRY TALBOT:
To the smorgasbord!
(They all drink)
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Count Dracula, I hope you wonıt find this too forward,
but ...... ouch!
ouch!
(He grabs at his neck)
(Renfield jumps up, grabs something off Harkerıs shoulder,
and scampers
posessively to the front of the stage where he sits
with his legs dangling
over the edge.)
MINA HARKER:
Darling! What is it?
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
A spider! I think it has bitten me!
MINA HARKER:
Let me see! Oh! Itıs bleeding!
(Johnathan Harker holds a hankerchief to his neck)
(Dracula shows intense interest)
DRACULA:
(barely controlling his excitement) May I have a
look at that, Mr. Harker?
(Harker is reluctant but pulls the hankerchief away
so Dracula can examine
the wound.)
(Renfield is sitting at the front of the stage laughing
quietly and stroking
the spider in his hands.)
(Dracula very carefully reaches out and touches the
wound with his fingers.)
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
(wincing) Ow!
DRACULA:
Forgive me Mr. Harker. Youıd better have your wife
put something on that.
You donıt want it to get infected. (Dracula turns
quickly away and sucks
his fingers.)
(Mina Harker sees Dracula suck his fingers and swoons.
Dracula gets to
her first and lifts her from the floor.)
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Mina! Mina! (kneels and holds Minaıs hand)
RENFIELD:
(mockingly to the audience)
Mina, Mina, Mina!
MINA HARKER:
(regaining consciousness) What happened? (Is startled
to find herself in
Draculaıs arms) Oh Johnathan! (reaches out to be
taken into Johnathanıs
arms) Oh Johnathan. Iım so sorry!
JOHNATHAN HARKER:
Are you alright, darling?
DRACULA:
It's an exotic drink..... an acquired taste perhaps.
I seldom drink
........ absinthe, myself. There, there. It will
pass. This happens quite
often on the first taste. Drink a little more, it
will pass. Yes, that's
it. No? Perhaps you would like to lie down for a
while.
LARRY TALBOT:
Allow me. This way folks. (leads the woozy twosome
offstage)
(Renfield puts the spider into his mouth. It crunches
very loudly)
DRACULA:
(to the audience) They'll be fine. The customs of
a foreign land are
perhaps strange to the system. Larry! Take them
to my personal chambers.
I think they will be more "comfortable". I'll be
along soon to see to their
.... needs. (Dracula sits in a chair. He drinks
some absinthe, makes a
look of distaste, and puts the glass down.)
(spotlight on Renfield. Dracula "freezes" in his
chair.)
RENFIELD:
Ladies and gentlemen ......... if I may digress for
just a moment. I know
what you're thinking. What could this little worm
possible have to say.
Well .......... lots of things. I've been working
here at Castle Dracula as
long as I can remember. It's not all glamour either.
Sure there's lots of
celebrities and politicians dropping by ...... and
actresses ..... lots and
lots of actresses ..... but there's a lot of preparation
behind the scenes.
And the Count here is not always easy to work for.
(Renfield cirlces the "frozen" Dracua as he talks)
He's demanding. Very demanding. And sadistic. The
things he makes me do
............ things I could never repeat in mixed
company ..... I assure
you ........ he comes in the night all dressed in
his black vampire
attire...... his hair all slicked back just so ...so
handsome ........ so
"dangerous" ........ but the things he makes me do
..... the things he makes
me do ...... and all I can say is .....
RENFIELDıS SONG - "YES MASTER YES"
Yes master, yes master, yes master, yes
Iıll come to your boudoir and help you get dressed
Mr. Renfield, at your service, your humble servant,
in the flesh
Yes master, yes master, yes master, yes.
My fatherıs fatherıs father
Was a servant to this man
In fact, all the Mr. Renfields
Used to stand here where I stand.
Theyıre all buried out beneath the trees
Where Iıll be buried too
And these are the very clothes they wore
And these the very shoes.
But you say, "Tell me, Mr. Renfield,
Why donıt you run away
When Count Dracula is sleeping
In the brilliant light of day?"
But you see, the master, he would find me
And step out of the fog
(hides his face behind his sleeve, like a vampire)
(approaches Dracula and pantomimes the attack as he
sings)
With evil eyes of burning fire
Heıd kill me like a ............
DRACULA:
Renfield.
RENFIELD:
(jumps back in horror) Master!!!???
DRACULA:
What are you doing?
RENFIELD:
My soliloquy, Master. You know, when I reveal my
innermost thoughts and
motivations.
DRACULA:
Minor characters don't get "soliloquys".
RENFIELD:
Oh.
DRACULA:
Come Mr. Renfield. Come and help me see to the needs
of our guests. That's
right. Come with me. (Dracula puts his caped arm
around the frightened and
confused Renfield and leads him compassionately offstage)
DRACULA:
(Returns immediately and speaks to the audience)
My friends, please relax.
Stretch your legs perhaps for a while. My home is
your home. Enjoy some of
our refreshments in the lobby while Renfield and I
see to the needs of our
unfortunate guests. We'll be back in a few minutes.
Enjoy.
(Exit Dracula. Theatre lights are turned up slightly......
as audience
members begin to leave for intermission a woman screams
a series of
blood-curdling scream from offstage. Thunder and
lightning continue.
Curtains are drawn. Set is changed.)
END OF ACT ONE ----- INTERMISSION
ACT TWO
THE SET
The curtains open. Lighting is mostly blue and green.
The scene is Count
Dracula's basement. It is horrible. Cold grey walls.
Cobwebs. Coffins.
Door and descending staircase. Old coffins and dusty
covered furniture.
Karla, Laura, Johnathan and Mina are tied to the support
beams unconscious.
The heartbeat of the opening song begins, then drums
and bass. The Children
of the Night (3 scantily clad beauties in sheer flowing
gowns) enter the
stage and perform their erotic song and dance around
the bound audience
members. Their silks are provocatively passed over
their helpless victims
as they prepare to feed.
OPENING SONG & DANCE
The door opens at the top of the staircase. Dracula
and Larry Talbot enter
oblivious to the audience. The Children of the Night
scatter in horror just
as they were beginning to feed.
DRACULA: (as they descend the stairs)
So the guys says, "Wake up honey." And his wife finally
goes, "What do you
want? My God, it's four o'clock in the morning!"
So he holds up this piece
of paper and says, "Remember. You gave me this for
my birthday. Good for
one giant favour. So I'm collecting. I want you
to come duck hunting with
me." So she says, "Duck hunting. No! Don't make
me do that. Is there
anything else I can do instead? Please! Please!"
So the guy thinks for a
second, and then says, "Well, maybe a blow job."
So she says, "Well,
alright. Anything." So she's doing him ... (obscene
gesture) and she says
"Oh! Yuck! Why does this taste so bad?" So the
guy says, "The dog didn't
want to go either."
LARRY TALBOT:
Whooooooooooo! Whooooooooooo! Whoooooo!
DRACULA:
Ha! Ha! Ha! (Slaps Larry Talbot on shoulder as they
both laugh)
(As the audience laughs at the joke Dracula suddenly
turns - horrified to
find them in the basement.)
DRACULA: (hysterically angry) (to audience)
What are you people doing down here? Of all the nerve!
I never! The
presumption! The utter gall! I invite you into my
home and you repay my
kindness with this outrageous insolence! You can't
just wander around a
person's home! You can't just go snooping around
wherever you want? Where
were you raised? Where are your manners? My God!
LARRY TALBOT: (to audience)
I tried to warn you ..... Nothing can save you now.
(Karla is starting to wake up during Dracula's speech)
DRACULA:
You really leave me no option. I'm very sorry but
...........
LARRY TALBOT:
Yes!
DRACULA:
.... I'm afraid you leave me no option .........
LARRY TALBOT:
Yes!
DRACULA:
...........but to inform my wife.
LARRY TALBOT:
Yes! ................. What?
DRACULA:
That's right Larry. Didn't I ask you to lock the
door?
LARRY TALBOT:
I told Renfield to.
DRACULA:
Renfield. Renfield! Renfield! (to audience) You
people wait here. Don't
even think about wandering any further..... until
we decide what to do with
you. I can't believe ..........
(Karla feigns unconscousness as Dracula checks them
....... licking his
lips .... annoyed that he must wait before feasting)
(Exit Dracula and Larry Talbot.)
KARLA KARLOFF: (Karla and Laura are tied back to
back to the same post)
Laura! (whispering) Laura! (Laura is still too groggy)
Shit! (tries to
untie herself unsuccessfully) Shit! What am I going
to do? Shit! Oh
someone please help me. Please. (looks around ........
frowns through
lights into the audience) Pssssst! (to audience)
Psssst! Someone help
me! Please. No really. Someone untie me. Please!
You. (to some
appropriate girl in the front row) Yes, you in the
blue dress. Untie me.
That's right. Come up here and untie me. What's
your name? It's alright,
.... what's your name. That's a very pretty name,
________________. Help
me ____________. Please. I'm not kidding. Come
right up here. (Karla
keeps after her until she comes up) Nothing's going
to happen until you do.
It's O.K. That's right. Right up those stairs there.
It's easy. Oh thank
you. Thank you. Thank you. Quickly. Yes. Just behind
me here. Untie me.
Thank you _____________.
(as the nervous girl from the audience is untying
Karla .... Dracula jumps
out and scares her..... hopefully enough to make her
yelp) (if no audience
member can be coaxed out of the audience, an audience
plant should be
available)
DRACULA:
What!!!!!? What's going on here? Back to your seat!
Now! Back! (with
grand gestures)
(poor girl from audience returns to her seat)
(Dracula stares fuming silently at the audience for
a long, uncomfortable
time. He finally turns to Karla.)
DRACULA:
And you! (to Karla) You my delicous delicacy. Your
time has come.
(Dracula approaches Karla, pulls up his cape to conceal
his actions from the
audience, and feasts upon her. Karla screams thrice
and falls silent and
unconscious. There follows some very disgusting,
wet, licking, sucking
sounds. When Dracula pulls away her dress and neck
are stained with blood.)
DRACULA:
(Dracula turns to the audience with blood and fangs.
Hissing. Evil.)
I am beyond words. Do you think this is easy for
me. Can you imagine the
self loathing, the disgust. Can you think for one
moment what it must be
like to be me? Driven hungry night after night into
the world. I long. I
am drawn by the moon like a ship on the tide. Yearning.
Yearning. These
same clothes. These walls. I cast no reflection.
I haven't seen myself in
years. I don't even remember what I fucking look
like! Do you think I
wanted this? This? I have no choice. I have no
choice. I was hoping to
be merciful ..... to subdue the urges ........sssssssssssssss.........
softly now ...............sssssssssssssssss ..........
but now .... now
you must remain. It is a bridge ......... a threshold
once crossed .......
from whence there is no return. Forgive me. It
is merely my nature.
ssssssssssssssssssss ..... Down .....down......even
now... the drugged wine
delivers its subtle secret to your souls. You are
growing drowsy. Sleepy.
So tired. So weary. Your arms and legs are heavy.
They will not move. So
tired. They will not move. They are so heavy. Even
as you bid them stir,
they relax more and more. Heavier. Heavier. As
you descend step by step
down the spiral staircase of stone .... down... slowly
.... so sleepy ...
you want only to sleep ... even your eyelids grow
heavy ... down ... down
... step ... by step .. by step by ...... step ....
sleepy .... so ....
sleepy ...... (Dracula gestures toward the audience
with disjointed
fingers like a puppet conductor)
Your eyelids are heavy .... heavy ..... they want
to close .... so tired ...
they must close. Sleep. You must surrender to sleep.
Your eyelids are
closed. So relaxed. You hear only my voice. Sleep.
Yes you. You must
close your eyes. And you. That's right. Your eyes
are closed there is
only my voice. You sleep. You are asleep and you
hear my voice. You will
remember nothing. When you awake you will remember
..... nothing. When you
awake you will remember nothing, but awake refreshed
when I snap my fingers.
You will remember ............................. you
will remember you were
at the theatre. You will remember you saw a play
.......... a fabulous play
....... about Dracula ............ and the actor who
played Dracula was
...........FANTASTIC! ....MAGNIFICENT! ....... that
Castle Dracula was the
greatest single theatre experience of your life ..........
you loved it
........ you loved it ........ as you remember ...
as you sleep ..... so
drowsy .... drifting .... now drifting .... into the
red ... (lighting
slowly turns to red swirling) into the red .... drifting
... it turns ....
it swirls ... weightless ... blissful .... it's ................
beautiful
......... rapturous ........ perfect ... perfect
as the sleep of ........
death.
(enter Renfield)
RENFIELD:
Master? (sees Karla unconscious) Master? Are you
all right?
DRACULA:
Ah Renfield. Come. Come. There is much to do.
(exit Dracula and
Renfield)
(Larry Talbot eventually steps out from behind a coffin
where he's been
hiding in the shadows)
LARRY TALBOT:
(to the audience) He's a little intense. I know.
It's not easy. He used
to scare the shit out of me too. .......... but then
I realized ........
hey ........ I'm not perfect either. When the moon
is full .......... I
........ you know .......... I get a little "different".
(music starts) "LARRY TALBOT'S SONG" (during the
song Larry Talbot
transforms gradually into a werewolf by adding hidden
bits of costume from
around the stage and changing his body language)
Call me Lawrence Talbot
Man, I'm just like you
Except I've got this silver fever
That keeps burning through
My veins like a freight train
And nothing's slowing in down.
There's something slouching through the shadows
The howling wolf's back in town.
In Draculaıs Castle (Dracoolaıs Castle)
Where I came by chance
Thereıs a shocking secret
I became entranced
As I gazed into her eyes
So deep and green
We sent our servants out into the town
While we remain forever in a dream.
Run away my darling
Run as fast as you can
Find yourself a very strong and handsome man
The moon is rising
The stars are high above
I can't explain why all the howling wolves
Must kill the very things they love.
I'm the man of a thousand faces
I'm the man of a thousand lies
Let me whisper in your ear
Let me look into your eyes
I'm moving out to LA
I'm gonna be a star
But the gypsy said "No Larry,
You're going to be exactly what you are."
Perhaps late one night
Iıll knock upon your door
And youıll see a thing
Youıve never seen before
Bump-bump, bump-bump
Your heart will pound
I'm the howling wolf
Here's my card
I've come to blow your house down.
(By the end of the number Larry Talbot has transformed
into the Wolfman. He
howls. He howls. Lucy Dracula appears at the top
of the stairs in her
night gown. She canıt see Larry, or know that he has
transformed into the
Wolfman.)
LUCY DRACULA:
(whispering) Oh Larry! ............... Larry!
LARRY TALBOT:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
LUCY DRACULA:
Larry? Is that you?
(Larry Talbot stalks Lucy as she descends the stairs.
He snarls quietly.
Then he leaps out in front of her growling fiercly.)
LUCY DRACULA:
Oh, Larry. You frightened me. I .......... Your
eyes ... they look at me
so strangely.
LARRY TALBOT:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrr!
LUCY DRACULA:
And Larry........... what big teeth you have!
LARRY TALBOT:
The better to eat you with.
LUCY DRACULA:
You filthy beast!
(Lucy pulls Larry Talbotıs arm and they dance wildly
and eroticly to Larryıs
Song.)
(Production dance number featuring Larry Talbot &
Lucy with the Children of
the Night.
Very sexy. Almost erotic. Lighting effects. A big
waltzing tune. Wolfman
Waltz.)
(During the number a bookcase slides open revealing
Dracula. No one sees
him. He re-closes the door and peeks out through
a small opening.)
LARRY TALBOT:
I love you, love you, love you
Like the jungle loves the rain
Like the train loves the tunnel
Like the tunnel loves the train
I love you like the desert
Loves the burning of the sun
I love you like the bullet
Loves the barrel of the gun
Iım the Howling Wolf, baby
You better tie me up.
(They dance up the stairs and pause in a pose by
the door - he holds Lucy
close)
LUCY DRACULA:
And then?
LARRY TALBOT:
Ahoooooooooooh!
(Lucy pulls Larry violently out the door. Laughing.
The door slams.)
(The stage is still. The bookcase slides open. Dracula
walks to centre
stage ...half talking to himself, half talking to
the audience.)
DRACULA:
My best friend ................ and my wife? Could
this be?
Hssssssssssssssssssss!
(Dracula pulls his cape over his face dramaticly and
storms off.)
(The stage is still. Mina is unconscious and bleeding
from bite marks.
Johnathan Harker groans)
(Dr. Van Helsing was not present during Act One.
He enters during the
intermission and sits in one of the chairs left empty
by Karla and Laura. He
sets his doctor bag on the other seat)
(Dr. Van Helsing rises from his seat in the audience
and walks stealthily
toward the stage. He is carrying what appears to
be a doctorıs bag.)
DR. VAN HELSING:
(to audience) SSShhhhhhhh! Don't make a sound!
I am Dr. Van Helsing.
Some of you may not have noticed me on the bus. I
just got on at the last
stop. Please. It's imperitive that you not make
a sound. Our very lives
depend upon it.
(Van Helsing climbs onto the stage and approaches
Johnathan Harker)
DR. VAN HELSING:
Harker! Harker! Are you alright?
HARKER: (groggy)
Van Helsing? Is that you? Where am I? What happened?
How is Mina?
Ooooh, my head.
VAN HELSING:
Easy, my friend. You've been drugged. I'm afraid
Mina is still
unconscious. She doesn't look very well.
(Van Helsing begins to untie Harker)
HARKER:
That fiend! Fiend! (weakly)
VAN HELSING:
(covers Harker's mouth)
Quiet! Quiet! Everyone please remain calm. (to
audience) Harker and I
have been tracking Count Dracula for years, yet he
always manages to elude
us. But tonight ..... tonight I think our luck has
turned. He never
expected us to insinuate ourselves into his very lair.
Soon, with a little
luck, and God's help, we can end this creature's reign
of terror forever!
(untied ... Harker collapses unconscious into Van
Helsing's arms)
Harker! Harker! (Van Helsing examines Harker's neck
and sees the spider
bite) Oh no! Oh no! Harker! They've feasted upon
you! My God, no! (Van
Helsing thinks he hears something and drags Harker
behind a coffin looking
around nervously) (quietly) It's nothing. Nothing.
Oh poor Harker.
Harker. Yes, my friend, I know what I must do. (Van
Helsing opens his bag
and removes a large wooden stake and a hammer). (to
audience) Please my
friends, look away. I must release Harkerıs eternal
soul from the grasp of
Count Dracula, lest he spend years under the unspeakable
power of that
monster! I must pierce his bold heart with this horrible
wooden stake or
all is lost. This is not for your eyes. I fear it
is the only way.
Harker, forgive me. (The audenceıs view is partially
obscurred by a coffin.
They can see Van Helsing, but not Harker.) Oh God.
(Van Helsing holds the
stake poised over Harkerıs heart. He lifts the hammer
to strike it, but
hesitates.) Oh God. Can I do this thing. Oh God.
Be strong. Be strong.
(Van Helsing pounds the stake into Harkers chest.)
Oh God. Oh God.
HARKER:
What the .......???!!!! Aaaaaaaah! Jesus! Van
Helsing! No!
(Van Helsing pounds the stake again)
VAN HELSING:
Forgive me Johnathan! Oh God!
HARKER:
Aaaaaaaah! I'm not .............................
VAN HELSING:
(Van Helsingıs hair is all mussed up - insanely)
Sleep, sweet Harker,
sleep. Oh my God. Oh my God. You shall not die
for naught. The knot
tightens ..... does it not. Not. Not. Naughty
boy. Naughty knot.
Nighty night. Sleep tight. Don't let the vampires
bite. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
(to audience) Everyone be quiet! Someone comes!
(Van Helsing hides behind the coffin)
(Enter Renfield looking around as if he has heard
strange sounds. He is
carrying a wine bottle and is obviously the worse
for it.)
RENFIELD:
What the hell? What's all the racket? Probably that
stupid "Wolfman".
(makes quotation marks in the air as he says "Wolfman")
I don't know why
the master allows that deviant in. And what of poor
Mr. Renfield? Everyone
off to bed. Everyone up to mischief. But me? Is
there no one for me?
(sings)
Everybody needs someone to love
Someone to hold when push comes shove
And you know she'll be coming there soon
In the light of the moon.
Some lovers go unrecognized
They pass by like strangers right before your eyes
But you know you'll be seeing her soon
In the light of the moon.
In their eyes you see the traces
Of old dreams, half forgotten places
They stand in the rain
And stare at the river.
The frightened lovers will hesitate
But the hour is getting late
And you know they'll be gathering soon
In the light of the moon.
(Van Helsing sneaks out from his hiding place, picks
up Renfield's tray and
approaches him from behind.)
RENFIELD:
But if you love her with all your heart
If you surrender to the darker part
You'll drift out together and swoon
In the light of the ...........
(Van Helsing clubs Renfield over the head with the
tray, rendering him
unconscious. Van Helsing stands over Renfield for
a moment catching his
breath.)
(enter Count Dracula)
DRACULA:
Dr. Van Helsing. We meet again. What an unexpected
pleasure.
(Van Helsing turns in terror)
DRACULA: (notices Renfield)
What strange business is this? Has my servant Renfield
"offended" you in
some way to deserve such a stern rebuke? Is there
no other way he could
make ammends for his unknowing offense? He is, after
all, "weak" in the
mind. You of all people ........ genius ..........
a university graduate
................ vampire hunter........
VAN HELSING:
(backing up to toward the wall)
Back! (holds out a large crucifix) In the name of
our Lord I compel thee!
Back!
DRACULA:
Oh really, Van Helsing. Your Lord? Your Lord? You
mean the one who came
back from the dead? (turns to the audience) Is it
just me .... or is the
irony simply sublime!
(Van Helsing pulls an old sword off the wall and brandishes
it at Dracula
while backing around to centre stage. )
VAN HELSING:
You vampire bastard! (waving his sword menacingly
at Dracula)
DRACULA:
Come now, Van Helsing. That big vein is sticking
out on your forehead.
Youıre going to have a stroke. (steps aside as Van
Helsing rushes at him
with the sword, and calmly takes the other sword off
the wall. Dracula
tests the weight and balance of the sword as Van Helsing
circles menacingly)
My father used these swords in battle. Those were
the days, Doctor. Those
were the days. Ouch. Still very sharp. Better be
careful with that.
(Wild sword play. Van Helsing on the offensive.
Very aggressive. Dracula
on the defensive.)
DRACULA:
Van Helsing. You've been practicing!
VAN HELSING:
(Thrashes madly at Dracula with his sword) Die, Monster,
die!!
DRACULA:
Die my doctor? Thatıs the last thing I shall do.
(sword fighting) To Die.
Perchance to dream. You really must try it sometime,
Van Helsing.
(During the sword fight, Larry Talbot opens the door
above, his hair all
mussed up, and guiltily watches the fight from the
stairway .... coming part
way down.)
VAN HELSING:
Take that!
(While avoiding Van Helsingıs lunge, Dracula trips
over Harkerıs body and
falls)
DRACULA:
Wait! Wait! (Holds his lower back in apparent agony)
(A suprised Van Helsing hesitates)
DRACULA:
Doctor, ....... could you take a look at my back?
(laughs and looks down at
Harker)
Whatıs this? Van Helsing! You have been busy!
VAN HELSING:
Itıs all your vile work, Dracula! You did this!
But you canıt have him!
You hear me! You canıt have him! Iıve released his
immortal soul .........
to keep him from your foul clutches ........ from
an eternity of horror
under your command!
DRACULA:
Oh. Now this is embarrassing. Actually I was so
busy ravishing Harkerıs
delightful fiancee here, that I forgot all about him.
I donıt much care
for the taste of men. Besides, Harker had some knock-you-down
garlic breath
going on there. I donıt know what he had for lunch,
but ..............
(Dracula makes a fanning gesture in front of his nose)
VAN HELSING:
(not quite comprehending what he has done) You mean
....... he ..... wasnıt
a vampire?
DRACULA:
A vampire? Not as such ....... no.
VAN HELSING:
The undead?
DRACULA:
The "not dead" actually. He was feeling a little
"unwell" ...... and that
was a rather nasty spider bite. Nice work though.
(points at the stake in
Harkerıs heart with his sword) Quite professional.
I like the way
you.........
VAN HELSING:
(strikes out at Dracula hysterically with his sword)
No! No! No! No! No!
No!
DRACULA:
Yes! (sword clang) Yes! (sword clang) Yes! (sword
clang)
(Dracula and Van Helsing sword fight fiercely and
finally lock swords face
to face.)
DRACULA:
Your will is strong, Van Helsing ...... for one who
has not lived even a
single lifetime.
(Dracula finally gets the best of Van Helsing and
knocks the sword from his
hand. Van Helsing lay on the floor helplessly.)
DRACULA:
(holding his sword to Van Helsing's throat)
Is this how you pictured it, Van Helsing? Dying at
the hands of the
creature you stalked all these years..... wasting
your whole life obsessing
on this grand climax. But it won't be like that,
will it? Not like in your
little wet dreams of revenge. You are going to experience
things you never
dared dream of. We shall feast on you like a big
Christmas turkey.... with
Van Helsing sandwiches and soup in the days to come
..... and big juicy Van
Helsing bones for the vampire dogs to gnaw on ......
all long before we let
you slip into the cold, wet, slimy, worm-infested
sheets of your pathetic
grave.
(Dracula turns to the audience and continues ...)
DRACULA:
This is the harvest of ill intent
The dance macabre
Reaped in all its meticulous nuance.
And excruciating detail
If I could fly away
If I could leave this place
If I could escape ... this .... this ..... cage ....
Oh I would.
But there is a small hole
A mere crack ........
Between one second to midnight
And the stroke of midnight
There is a field of fractions
Half a second to midnight
A quarter of a second to midnight
A fiftieth of a second ......
A hundredth of a second ....
A millionth of a second ....
An infinite field of fractions.
(Dracula pauses and gazes into infinity)
If one could but pause
And slip sideways into that gaping abyss ...
He might squirm and burst through some membrane
Into a new world .... another existence....
And scream!
(He screams) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
(While Dracula screams, Van Helsing pulls a pistol
from his coat, stands,
and shoots. Renfield has also regained consciousness
and rises just in time
to be in the line of fire and is shot by mistake.)
(Larry Talbot leaps over the railing ontoVan Helsing
pulling him down out of
sight behind the coffin. His head and arms appear
momentarily as he kills
Van Helsing .... Van Helsing screaming.)
(Dracula stands over the fallen Renfield, sits and
holds Renfield in his
arms, stroking his head.)
RENFIELD:
Master?
DRACULA:
I am here.
(Larry Talbot returns and kneels down beside Dracula
and Renfield.)
RENFIELD:
Master. The dreams are coming. Bad dreams. Bad
dreams! (reaches out at
nothing)
There! And there! Master! ............................
oh.
DRACULA:
There now sweet Renfield. Let go. Relax. Let the
dark river take you now.
Donıt struggle against the current lest you drown.
Thatıs it. Surrender to
the flow .... and go. Itıs so peaceful........ relaxing.
Rest now, Mr.
Renfield. Rest now knowing you have served me well.
RENFIELD:
Yes master. Oh. Itıs beautiful. There are beautiful
girls..... dancing
.... beckoning. And the light ... the light. Ha,
ha, ha, ha ..... cough ...
ha, ha .... cough, cough, cough.
DRACULA:
No, Mr. Renfield. The light is not for you. Pull
away, and drift to your
own true destiny. To the darkness, Mr. Renfield,
into the thick, deep,
all-consuming darkness. Thatıs it. Descend the beckoning
staircase. Down,
down ......... down.
RENFIELD:
But master ........ master ...... I ..... I ........Iım
fading ......
fading .................
(Renfield dies)
DRACULA:
Alas poor Renfield. I knew him well, Larry. He wasn't
much of a butler,
but he was loyal. You could always "count" on him.
When I first met him he
was eating flies off a dead dog's eyes. I remember....
his idea of a
dream-catcher was a Vapona No-Pest Strip. But later
..... when he became
more sophisticated ...... it was escargot, escargot,
escargot. Not real
escargot, obviously, but that's what he thought.
I shall never forget that
infected laugh of his.
LARRY TALBOT:
You mean "infectious", donıt you?
DRACULA:
No. Infected. (to Renfield) I shall never forget
you, my friend. You
shall be with me forever. To die, to be truly dead.
What an adventure that
must be. Goodnight Mr. Renfield.
DRACULA:
(sings)
Everybody needs someone to love
Someone to hold when push comes to shove
And you know they'll be gathering soon
In the light of the moon.
(Criswell enters)
(Dracula drops Renfield like old laundry. Renfield
drops to the floor with
a sickening thud.)
DRACULA:
Ah, Mr. Criswell. (opens a drawer, gets money, and
presses it into
Criswellıs hand)
I believe you will find this "satisfactory". Perhaps
weıll see you again
next month.... when the moon is full. (Criswell is
appartently unaffected
by the grizzly spectacle)
CRISWELL:
Thank you Count Dracula. Always my pleasure. (tips
his bus driver hat and
exits)
LARRY TALBOT:
Oh. Oh. Iıll be right back. I want to ask Criswell
something.
(Dracula grips Larry Talbot by the arm as he turns
to go)
DRACULA:
Got a minute, Larry?
LARRY TALBOT:
Youıre hurting my arm.
DRACULA:
Sorry. Sorry. Something ........ unpleasant .....
has come to my
attention. Something about you, Larry .............
and my wife.
LARRY TALBOT:
What!!!!? (Incredulous)
DRACULA:
Relax, my friend. Many unexpected things happen in
a manıs lifetime ....
things that "transform" him forever....... as you
well know. But Larry,
...... my wife ......... she ........ well .......
sheıs a maneater.
LARRY TALBOT:
You can say that again. (half to himself)
DRACULA:
(slight double take) Oh, what the hell. There are
many fantastic and
beautiful women in the world. In fact ........ this
Mina Harker here ......
"intrigues" me. Besides, where am I going to find
another friend like you?
LARRY TALBOT:
Count, I ..................
DRACULA:
Forget it. But Larry ............. didnıt you ever
want a werewolf for a
wife?
LARRY TALBOT:
Would you?
DRACULA:
(nodding) I guess I see your point.
(Larry Talbot turns to go)
DRACULA:
Oh Larry. Do me a favour? Drag the good doctor out
to the kennels, would
you? I promised him.
LARRY TALBOT:
Heıs a bit messy. (dragging Van Helsing by the heels)
DRACULA:
The dogs like it that way. They wonıt know whether
to use a fork or a
spoon.
LARRY TALBOT:
(exiting with Van Helsing) Doggies! The doctor will
see you now!
DRACULA:
(to the audience)
And to you, my friends, I must offer my sincerest
apologies. Iım afraid
things have gotten a little out of hand this evening.
We were not expecting
Mr. Harker and Dr. Van Helsing to pop in, but I hope
their intrusion didnıt
diminish, too much, your enjoyment of Castle Dracula.
It has been my
pleasure to be your host.
I suspect some of you still maintain a certain skepticism,
a disbelief of
some of the things you have witnessed ........ things
that do not conform to
your paradigms of tradition....... things that simply
cannot be .....
vampires, werewolves, things that go bump in the night.
And yet ... I am
Dracula ....... and there is absolutely nothing you
can do about it. No
matter how passionately you believe or disbelieve
in something ... even if
you feel it with every fibre of your being ......
it has no bearing
whatsoever on the "truth". It is ..... or ......
it is not. Period.
Beware, my friends. The shadows contain the eyes
of many strange creatures
never dreamed of in "your" philosophies.... creatures
that yearn to
insinuate themselves into your world. Let me tell
you this. If nothing
else ....... remember ........ at the junctures of
your world ....... where
it intersects with the fourth, fifth or sixth dimensions
...... logic
collapses. Your complex theories of space and time
are the walls within
which you imprison yourselves. Hereıs a hint. Time
is not the fourth
dimension. Time is a phenomenon of the fourth spacial
dimension rubbing
against the third. You cannot grasp the concept of
the fourth dimension ...
it will never, never, never submit to the the logical
criteria you demand.
Thereıs the rub. Never....... even if you live to
be as old as I. Surrender
.... to the unknowing. Your ship will not fall off
the edge of the world.
Surrender. ............... I am Dracula. There is
nothing you can do about
it.
(Dracula bows and turns to exit dramatically... then
hesitates as if
remembering something and returns.)
DRACULA:
Oh yes. I am getting forgetful in my old age. I
must remind you of our
previous conversation. You will recall none of this.
You will awaken
tomorrow ..... rejeuvenatend and refreshed. All of
your trivial aches and
concerns will be gone. All diseases invading your
bodies will begin to
withdraw like the tide. Your will feel fabulous and
alive. You will
vaguely remember a play ......... an amusement .....
an incredibly
entertaining evening ....... and an incredibly handsome
actor in the lead
role ................ You will return to your comfortable
homes and dream
of enchanting acquisitions and personal triumphs .....
and never think of us
again. You will forget. Even as you strain to almost
remember ...........
it will melt like a snowflake in your hand. Weıll
not meet again..........
except of course for some of you remarkable young
women who have made an
"impression" on me tonight ....(points into the audience)
you, you, you
... oh there are so many ............. I shall be
seeing you soon. I shall
"count" the hours. Until then .... I bid you .......
farewell.
DRACULAıS SONG: "I HAVE DREAMED OF YOU"
(Larry Talbot joins in on big ballad. As the song
goes on, Renfield,
Harker, Van Helsing, Mina Harker, Karla, Laura, and
the Children of the
Night all gradually join in on the choruses swaying
back and forth....
including Mr. Criswell who reappears.)
(As the song is ending Lucy Dracula appears at the
top of the stairs in hair
curlers.)
LUCY DRACULA:
What in the name of holy hell is going on down here?
It's four o'clock in
the morning. The sun will be up soon. It's time
for bed. Now! Scram!
Everybody out! Who do you think is cleaning up this
mess? Letıs go! Letıs
go!
(Lucy chases everyone off the stage)
(to audience)
What are you gawking at? I said everybody out! That
means you too! Get
up! Get your coats and purses! That's right. The
show's over. Go home.
You! Out! Maybe you could stay a little longer,
handsome. (to an
appropriate male audience member) (Lucy checks her
watch) Shit! Sorry.
No time. Maybe next time Sugar. Away with you.
Don't stand there looking
at me. Get out. Applause? We don't need your stinking
applause. Get out!
Go home! Out! Out! sssssssssssss! Out! Sssssssssssss!
CRISWELL:
O.K. people. Everybody back on the bus! Let's go.
Bring your luggage.
We're leaving in five minutes. You don't want to
be left behind. Quickly.
Thatıs it. We must get to Castle Frankenstein before
dark.
(Big thunder. Lightning. House lights flash. Stage
lights go off. Lucy
Dracula stands silent and dramatically back lit.
The three beautiful
Children of the Night girls drape scarves around Lucy
creating a bat-like
effect. One girl kneels submissively at her feet.
Criswell and the ushers
herd the audience out into the lobby where Draculaıs
closing song is being
played over the sound system .... instrumental version.)
THE END
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