Weird Al Yankovic


Amish Paradise


As I walk through the valley where I harvest my
grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very
plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows...
fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish
thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699


We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise


A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's
burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he
deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat
And my homeys agree I really look good in
black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint so please don't point
and stare
We're just technologically impaired


There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's as primitive as can be


We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish Paradise


Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raise a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure
in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as
thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be
like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the
afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval
on your heinie
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise


Ah oh oh oh, oh oh oh.
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh YECCH!


Like a surgeon


I finally made it through med school
Somehow I made it through
I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or
two


I was last in my class
Barely passed at the institute
Now I'm tryin' to avoid
Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid
A malpractice suit


Hey, like a surgeon
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Organ transplants are my line


Better give me all your gauze, nurse
This patient's fading fast
Complications have set in
Don't know how long he'll last


Let me see that IV
Here we go, time to operate
I'll pull his insides out
Pull his insides out
And see what he ate


Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Here's a waiver for you to sign
Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho
It's a fact, I'm a quack
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die
Yeah, my patients die
Before they can pay


Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Got your kidneys on my mind
Like a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon
When I reach inside
With my scalpel
And my forceps
And retractors
Oh ho Oh ho Ooh, baby
Yeah, I can hear your heart beat
For the very last time


It's all about the pantiums


It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
(Yeah!!)


What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming
skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for
short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech
support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're using a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a
floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem tryin' to make it go
faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your
parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like
Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Helen
Keller
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!


Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin at Hewlett Packard?


Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got em all printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique!
Your laptop is a month old? Well, that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's
multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor, 40" wide
I believe that yours says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the
side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your mother board melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker
Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What?


It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??


I love Rocky Road


I hear those ice cream bells and i start to drool,
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old,
And vanilla just leaves me cold,
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah
me,
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, i know what i
need, baby


I love rocky road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road,
So have another triple scoop with me, ow!


They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same,
All the soda jerkers know my name,
When their supply is gone,
Then I'll be movin' on
But I'll be back on monday afternoon,
You'll see, another truckload's comin' in for me,
All for me, I'm singin'


I love rocky road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road,
So have another triple scoop with me, ow!


When I'm all alone,
I just grab my self a cone,
And if I get fat and lose my teeth that's fine
with me,
Just lock me in the freezer, throw away the key,
singin',


I love rocky road,
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road,
So have another triple scoop with me, ow!


The saga begins


A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away,
Naboo was under an attack


And I find me and Qui Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack


But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas,
And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass


We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the queen
We all wound up on Tattooine
That's where, we found this boy


Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small
fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna
be a Jedi


Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force they say


And do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine, and she's fourteen
Yeah he's probably gonna marry her someday


Well I know he built C3P0 and
I heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke it's true
So we made a wager or two


He was a pre-pubescent flying ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well I knew we'd win first place
Oh yes, it was, our boy


We started singing
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small
fry
He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna
be a Jedi


Now we finally, got to Coruscant
The Jedi council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be


So we took him there and we told the tale
How his mitichlorians were off the scale
And he might, fulfill, that prophecy


The council was impressed of course
Could he bring balance, to the Force
They interviewed the kid, oh, training they
forbid


Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
But Qui Gon said now, listen here
Just stick it in your, pointy ear
I still, will teach, this boy


He was singing
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small
fry
He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna
be a Jedi


We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would have liked to stay


We all fought in that epic war
And it wan't long at all before
Little hot shot, flew his plane and, saved the
day


And in the end, some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
Lots of folks were croakin', the battle droids
were broken


And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
But I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess, I'll train, this boy


And I was singing
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small
fry
He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna
be a Jedi


We were singing
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small
fry
He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna
be a Jedi



Gump


Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
"My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of
chocolates


He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?


Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid
does


He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?


Run... Run... Run, run, now Forrest
Run... Run... Run like the wind now
Run... Run... Run, run, now Forrest
Run... Stop!


His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he calls Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
Went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt


He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right


Is this Gump out of his head? I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead? I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread? I think so
And that's all I have to say about that


Eat It


How come you're always such a fussy young man
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no
Raisin Bran
Well don't you know that other kids are starving
in Japan
So eat it, just eat it


Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you
hate
You won't get no desert till you clean off your
plate
So eat it


Don't tell me you're full


Just eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's broiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it


Your table manners are a crying shame
Your playin' with your food, this ain't some kind
of game
Now if you starve to death you'll just have
yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it


You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it


I don't care if you're full


Just eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more Spam
It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned


Just eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it


Just eat it, eat it
If it's getting cold reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it,you can't send it back


Just eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's broiled or fried


Just eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it


Fat


Your butt is wide
Well mine is too
Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on
Ham on
Ham on whole wheat, all right


My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown


Well I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows


Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know
(Fat fat--really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just tell me once again
Who's fat?


When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code


When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word


Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat


If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face


Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know
(Fat fat--really really fat)
Woo
Woo
Woo
(When he sits around the house
He really sits around the house)


You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know
it
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know you know you know--come on
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again


You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat--you know, hoo
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again--who's fat?

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