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To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who
obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile
complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to
understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101
courses over the years, since my first introduction to
the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and
the embracement of your community had proven to be very
true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as
well as creating music along with reading and writing
for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about
these things. For example, when we're backstage and the
lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begin, it
doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie
Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and
adoration from the crowd which is something I totally
admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one
of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst
crime I can think of would be to rip people off by
faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.
Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time
clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything
within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe
me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact
that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of
people. It must be one of those narcissists who only
appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive.
I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the
enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation
for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of
our music, but I still can't get over the frustration,
the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good
in all of us and I think I simply love people too much,
so much that it makes me feel too sad. The sad little,
sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't
you just enjoy it? I don't know! I have a goddess of a
wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who
reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love
and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone
is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me
to the point to where I can barely function. I can't
stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable,
self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since
the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans
in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to
get along that have empathy. Only because I love and
feel sorry for people too much, I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous
stomach for your letters and concern during the past
years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't
have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better
to burn out than to fade away. Peace, love, empathy,
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar. Please keep
going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be
so much happier without me.
I love you, I love you!
