The day the Backstreet Boys met Amanda...
Amanda - "Hello and welcome to The ALMOST Interview. Today's victims...uh, subjects...are the Backstreet Boys."
AJ - "Did we come in the right door?"
Amanda - "There's only one door..."
Nick - "Great opener."
Amanda - "Yeah, we oiled it 'specially."
AJ - "Love what you've done with the place."
Brian - "If I had a cap, I would tip it."
Nick - "Are we on the air?"
Amanda - "Yeah."
Brian - "That's WONDERFUL!!!"
Nick - "Hey we're from England. Our name is Desert not Oasis."
Amanda (looking scared) - "Really? Wow..."
Kevin - "We're here DAHLING!!!"
Brian - "Yes, it's really us."
Nick - "I swear it's me. I swear!"
AJ - "GOOD GOD IT'S KEVIN!!!!"
Kevin - "Did I lose you?"
AJ (distracted by a mirror) - "Man, I got hat head!"
Kevin - "Shoot they couldn't find me if they had to."
AJ - "I KNEW he was gonna say that."
Kevin - "I'll just sit over here by the fax machine."
Amanda - "That's a photocopier Kevin."
Brian - "I'm a Barbie Girl."
Amanda - "Uh, ok..."
Nick - "I'm biting everybody that comes in here."
Brian - "Ooooook."
Nick - "I feel like bitin'!"
(Amanda shuffles away from Nick.)
AJ - "Bring on the women."
Nick - "We are the bug men."
Brian - "No...the Backstreet Boys."
AJ - "The Backstreet way...that's the right way."
Nick - "As you know....well, you might not know."
Howie (wearily) - "We got a long tour."
Amanda - "You have my sympathies Howie. When does it finish?"
Nick - "I think Kevin knows the dates...why don't you tell em Kevin?"
Kevin (looking confused) - "I know what?"
Amanda - "The tour dates."
(Kevin reels off a long list as Howie shakes his head vehemently. Finally Kevin stops and stares at Howie.)
Kevin - "What are you shakin your head about?"
Howie - "You are TOTALLY wrong."
Kevin - "Am not!"
Howie - "Are so!"
(They square up to each other)
Nick - "Put your hands down...we never fight."
Kevin - "He's lying..."
Nick - "We're not like that man..."
Kevin (sounding like a tell-tale) - "Nick punched AJ in the face one time before a show."
AJ (in a singsong voice) - "Nick bites Kevin's leg on the plane."
(Brian nudges Nick hard.)
Brian - "Holy lordy almighty."
Nick - "Get your hand off my head."
Brian - "I'm his big brother and I'm gonna knock him out."
Nick - "You's a PUNK for hittin me behind my back."
Brian - "Howie's always the first one to walk around and slap you in the face."
(AJ starts laughing and Howie dives for him.)
AJ - "HA! Missed me!"
Amanda (changing the topic quickly) - "How was tonight's show by the way?"
Brian - "Heeey...good question."
Howie (ignoring Brian) - "Pretty good."
Brian - "I TOLD YA I'D HAVE A GOOD SHOW!!!"
Kevin - "Phat to death."
Brian - "I LOVE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT, YEAH!"
Kevin - "Course we were all on our best behavior."
AJ - "I almost lost my pants onstage."
Amanda (raises eyebrow) - "Oh yeah?"
AJ (nods) - "It's all your fault Nick."
Nick - "Hey!"
Howie - "It was Nicky's belt loop."
AJ (seriously) - "Let me be the first to tell you...we are totally cuckoo!"
Amanda - "I'd guessed but thanks."
Kevin - "Nick needs a vacation."
Amanda - "And again, kinda obvious that."
Kevin (spotting a poster of them in a mirror) - "Oh look....I can see the back of my head."
AJ - "Chris, turn em off Chris! Turn the voices in my head OFF!"
Nick - "What's he talkin about huh?"
(Brian suddenly lunges at Amanda, she sits back and he hits the floor with a yell)
Howie - "Brian, what are you doing?"
Brian - "I leaned over to kiss her and I fell right out of my chair."
Kevin (helping Brian up) - "Sorry bro."
Nick - "God that would hurt."
Brian - "Normally I'm faster...I'm light on the wheels."
Amanda - "Uh, ok Brian..."
Nick (rolling his eyes) - "Well, just chillin here watchin Brian make a fool of himself. As usual."
AJ - "Rok...behave yourself.....we're on national television."
Brian (sitting back down) - "I can't believe I just did that."
Kevin - "Good landing though bro."
Brian - "My butt hurts."
Nick (laughing) - "Delayed reaction."
Amanda - "Well, before we get into the interview, I wanna show you a quick video of some of your fans."
(A short video starts playing.)
Kevin (pointing at the screen) - "Those guys to the left are our biggest fans."
AJ - "My brother Bill and my brother Phil...don't make 'em angry."
Nick (as the image changes to the crowd at a concert) - "What do I see there? It's a lot of people."
AJ (reading a sign in the crowd) - "Her and her MOTHER!?!?"
Kevin - "What was that Bone?"
Nick (reading a different sign) - "It doesn't say that...yer lyin."
Kevin (as the fans ignore the Boys' support act in favour of screaming every time the camera whizzes past) - "As you can see they're all really interested in what they're watching."
Brian (shrugging) - "I'm not a teenage girl and I never have been a teenage girl."
(There's a brief silence.)
Amanda - "Well thanks for clearing that one up."
(The scene changes to the Boys singing The Call.)
Nick (snickering) - "It's funny to sing in the middle of so many bras."
Amanda - "What is this song about?"
Nick - "The song is about um....what exactly is it about Kevin?"
Kevin - "It's about... This guy cheatin' on his girl."
Nick - "That's what I was gonna say."
Kevin - "He's a little nervous today."
Nick - "I had a brain fart."
Kevin - "That's the word of the day. Brainfarts."
Nick (getting excited as it gets to his verse) - "Lookie here I got one little part...ooooohhhh."
AJ (pointing out a fan spaz dancing) - "Wow...she can dance better than Brian."
Nick - "It's kinda scary."
AJ (snickering) - "If you can say butt ugly....you right."
Brian (ignoring Nick and AJ) - "Kev did you see the pin she's got of you on her blouse?"
(Kevin dives in front of the screen for a closer look just as the afore-mentioned fan whips off her top)
Nick - "What in tarnation was that?"
AJ - "What the HECK was that?"
Brian - "HOLY COW!"
Kevin - "Oh! Take your hooters!"
AJ - "Hock a FRICKIN loogie."
Brian (taking a closer look) - "She looks familiar."
Nick - "Ya...cha-ching."
Kevin - "That's how she remembers the song...the naked one."
Nick - "It's a BLOW UP DOLL!"
AJ and Brian - "JUMP! JUMP!"
Kevin - "ALRIGHT BABY!"
Brian (acting serious) - "Kevin tell us how you feel."
Kevin (still staring at the screen) - "I wanna see the lady dancers shake their booties."
Nick - "Go Kevin, Go Kevin."
AJ - "Go on, Grandpa!"
Howie (doing a mini-dance) - "My booty smacker....say my name say my name."
(The camera focuses on the Boys dancing)
Kevin - "We're tryin not to mess up the dance steps right now."
Brian - "We were sweatin like pigs."
Howie - "I was sweatin my butt off."
AJ - "I don't have a butt."
Amanda (as she checks out AJ's butt) - "Oh, I'm SURE you have..."
Nick (as AJ stands up) - "Watch out for the booty calls."
Kevin - "Now AJ's gonna get naked."
Brian - "Keep your clothes on Bone."
Amanda (with evil grin) - "Go ahead AJ..."
Kevin - "Cuz I'm warnin ya it ain't pretty."
(AJ ignores Brian and unzips his pants, showing off his butt)
Kevin - "You're gonna poke my eye out."
AJ - "They look better shaved."
Brian - "WOW...it's BIG....uh..."
Nick - "DUUUUUUUDE!"
AJ - "I have no butt to hold these pants up."
Howie (covering his eyes) - "What the heck?"
Brian - "AJ's so excited."
Howie - "You're embarrassing me."
AJ - "You can kiss my ass."
Nick (groaning) - "Man, why do you have to do that...you know I don't like that."
Brian - "Ohmigod! Your knees are so hairy."
Kevin - "AJ, why are you wearing lingerie?"
AJ - "I’m wearing purple underwear."
Howie - "You got GOOD taste."
Brian - "Nice threads man."
AJ - "It's not my fault...they made me wear it."
Kevin - "You don't have to wear anything you don't want to AJ."
AJ - "Y'all like me? Y'all REALLY like me?"
Amanda - "Uh, yes AJ. Now get yer pants back on."
Brian - "This is a family show."
AJ - "Am I gorgeous?"
Brian - "Yes AJ, you are."
AJ (zipping up his pants) - "I like Nick's butt."
Nick - "I agree."
Brian (pointing to Nick's pants) - "Wow! What happened?"
Nick - "I dunno they just bunched up when I put these spandex things on."
Kevin (nodding wisely) - "When all else fails you just gotta grab it with your fingers."
(Kevin examines AJ's pants closer)
Kevin - "AJ's got lipstick..."
AJ (frantically rubbing off the mark) - "What the heck? I got green crap on my crotch."
Brian - "Take off your shirt Nick."
Nick - "Dude, I ain't gettin freaky!!!"
(Brian lunges for Nick but Nick steps out of the way. Brian manages to grab Nick's pants.)
Nick - "Get your hand out of my butt!!"
Howie - "That's Nick's big butt...."
Nick (slapping Howie's head) - "My hand dumbass...."
(Somebody in the audience yells inaudibly)
Nick - "What am I wearing right now? Underwear."
Kevin - "This is the underworld."
Howie - "We're all wearing underwear."
Kevin - "That's great Howie."
Howie - "I got my trunks on underneath my pants...it's so hot."
Nick - "Fruit of the loom...that's Howie."
Howie - "We're comin out with our own underwear....tighty whities."
Nick (proudly) - "Me and Howie wear Fruit of the Loom."
Howie - "My skin's here...on me."
Nick - "I can't let my banana come out."
Kevin (looking at us) - "You want some caffeine?"
Amanda - "I need somethin' stronger honey."
Kevin - "Could we have some caffeine?...cuz I need some..."
AJ (starts squirming) - "I gotta get to a bathroom."
Nick - "I think you're drinking too much fluids."
AJ - "Being sober now you drink lots of water."
Nick - "Too much agua."
Amanda - "AJ, bathroom is third left thatta way."
Brian - "After Howie gets out of the bathroom it really smells."
Howie - "HEY!"
Nick - "Howie likes to drink tea. It settles his innards."
Howie - "Yeah my bowels."
AJ - "Does anyone have any depends? I think I wet myself again."
Howie - "YOU GO NOW!"
(AJ grins and runs off)
AJ (in the background) - "Is that the toilet?"
Brian - "Sergeant Cooper visited me in the restroom."
Nick - "We shower together."
(There's a long silence.)
Kevin - "Yeah which consists of Nick throwing cold milk all over you. Milk, Coke, ice whatever he can get his hands on."
AJ (running back to his seat) - "Sorry couldn't hold it. That thing flushes forever!"
Nick - "Hey, what are you doin here?"
Howie - "How'd you get untied from the toilet?"
AJ - "I bribed her with a Twinkie."
Nick (looking impressed) - "Good job Bone."
AJ - "Thanks dude."
Nick (looking around) - "Where'd my chili cheese dog go?"
Brian (handing over the plate) - "I added to it, so it's BIGGER!"
Nick - "I hate plates."
Kevin (looking hopeful) - "Did you bring cookies this time?"
Amanda - "If you're hungry, we could order takeout."
(They all nod except Howie)
Howie - "I'm trying to keep my figure."
Nick - "Do you know what Waffle House is? We go there..."
Brian - "French fries and steak."
Nick - "Green eggs and ham."
Howie - "I am the Whopper Man."
Nick - "Alright who's sayin extra pickles on the whopper?"
Brian - "No onions because your breath smells SO BAD!"
(Nick hits Brian.)
Nick - "HEY! I heard that!"
Amanda - "Chill out guys. Ok, we'll order the whoppers for ya. But what if it doesn't get here in time?"
Nick - "I'd go hide man cuz you ain't gonna eat me."
(Amanda looks at him and he shrugs.)
Nick - "If y'all ate me I'd be mad."
Amanda - "Kinda hard when you'd be DEAD but hey..."
AJ/Howie (singing) - "Brian Thomas Littrellllllllllllll... Makes great hushpuppies!!!"
Amanda - "How do ya make Hush Puppies Bri?"
Brian (thinking a while) - "I can't remember... I'm too old."
Amanda (rolling her eyes) - "Okies."
(The director signals like crazy)
Amanda - "Uh, we need to go to a commercial break but we'll be right back."
Director - "Will you guys record a trailer for this show?"
Nick - "I’ll do it, but what do you want me to say?"
Director - "Uh, anything. Think of something cool about the show."
Nick (thinking) - "I CAN'T!! This is hard!"
Brian - "Well THINK of somethin real quick."
Nick (shaking his head) - "Sometimes,I think TOO hard!"
Amanda - "How abouts... Watch these two gorgeous girls on TV or miss out? Or I wanna marry Amanda?"
Nick (giving her a look) - "Huh?"
Amanda - "Just a suggestion, jeez."
Nick - "Ok, I know."
Brian - "Don’t flub it up..."
Nick - "Awww pshaw...I ain't ready."
AJ - "Flub, flub, flub!"
Howie (singing) - "This girl will not give you no lip....she'll be there for you."
Nick - "Ya know what...I know what it is...ACTION! HA HA!"
Amanda - "Ok, action."
Kevin - "WAIT WAIT WAIT Does anyone out there have a request?"
Howie (wearily) - "Oh God this is turning into a full production."
Nick - "No naked fat guys...."
AJ (interrupting) - "Ya right...in your dreams punk."
Nick - "AJ shut the f*** up...punk."
AJ (in a gay voice) - "TAKE THAT AND LIKE IT!"
Nick - "Watch your language sir!"
Kevin - "Who whizzed in your cheerios?"
Nick - "Oh good lord. I'm not that hostile."
Director - "Cut!"
Nick - "Do I have to do it again?"
AJ - "Aahh, you flubber!"
Nick - "I didn’t flub it up..."
Kevin - "You weren't listening to Nick, he totally introed that correctly."
AJ - "I dunno who the hells ears you have."
Brian (confused) - "You had cake in your ears?"
Nick - "I'm gonna keep goin dangit."
Kevin - "Why do we need to do it again?"
AJ - "They said please..."
Kevin - "Who the heck is directing this show anyway? (An ex-wrestler type steps forward. Kevin gulps.) Just kidding!"
AJ (leaning into Amanda) - "Cuz we really want you to...."
Brian - "CENSORED!!!"
AJ (singing) - "Spider man spider man, does whatever a spider can."
Kevin - "That was one of the cheesy ass parts...."
AJ (nodding) - "That was real bad."
Nick - "Ya know I just can't talk today man."
AJ - "Come on now dammit."
Kevin - "What are y'all doin?"
AJ - "I'm doing the weather."
Nick - "You see umbrellas only work when water comes from up above."
Brian - "Don't tell em the whole thing...GEEZ!!"
AJ - "See? No wind.... LOTS OF WIND!!!.... No wind... LOTS OF WIND!!!"
Amanda - "OK, we're back on air in ten seconds..."
(The director counts down as AJ finds a button panel under the couch.)
Nick - "Stop messing with those buttons AJ."
AJ - "I don't wanna push a wrong button and unplug everything."
Kevin (spotting a teenager playing with a microphone backstage) - "Kids... Playin with the microphone... You'd think they'd never touched one before."
Nick (thinking Kevin was referring to him) - "I don't give a damn I'll act like a kid."
(AJ hits a button and the lights cut out with a big bang. The set is in darkness.)
AJ - "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Amanda - "AJ, get off me."
Nick - "What's goin on here?"
AJ - "I'm assuming something blew up...."
Brian - "AJ's to blame for this."
AJ - "We gotta assume the position...."
Kevin - "That's a good idea."
Amanda - "Ow! AJ!"
AJ - "Does it matter which leg I'm on?"
Amanda - "Ok, who else's touching me?"
Nick - "First I'm gonna send my lil shark down there."
AJ - "Chill, we got time for that."
Brian - "If I crack don't sue me."
Howie - "Don't ever do that with me in public."
Nick (sound of shuffling) - "Uh-oh...sorry Howie."
Brian - "HOLD IT STILL!!!"
Amanda - "Is that you Brian?"
Brian - "GIMME THAT!"
Nick - "Oh God, What'd I do?"
Howie - "HIT IT NICK!"
Brian - "Look at this...it just keeps on going...it's an energizer bunny."
Amanda - "Uh, that's great Brian..."
Nick - "If you think that's funny...look at this."
Amanda - "That's my leg AJ."
Brian - "Volcanic ash.....AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Amanda - "What was THAT?!"
Brian - "Happened a little sooner than expected."
Nick - "What'd I do?"
Kevin - "Where do I stick this?"
Nick - "Oh gosh I'm nervous."
AJ - "Where the hell am I going?"
Nick - "I don't wanna know."
Amanda - "AJ, that's my breast."
AJ - "Well heck."
Kevin - "That was an inadvertent buzzer."
Brian - "That's great."
AJ - "I've just been kissed."
Amanda - "It wasn't me."
AJ - "Jesus Howie..."
Howie - "I'm not gonna kiss and tell."
Amanda - "Is that your HAND Brian?"
Brian (sheepishly) - "No."
AJ - "We show you dis....we show you dat."
Brian - "Uuuuhh...they're makin me limp!"
AJ - "It's like wearing saran wrap."
Nick - "What the heck was that used for? I don't wanna know."
Kevin - "It looks like your thing...you know your THING...ya, your THING!!!"
Howie - "Thing...what's a thing?"
Brian - "Would you STOP????!?!?!"
AJ - "I guess I had that one comin."
Kevin - "I like legs"
Amanda - "That's good to hear, now take your hand off mine."
Brian - "Ya know I like ya and all...but y'all gonna have to get out the way..."
AJ - "HEY, I bruise easy......we gotta get you some help dawg."
Kevin - "It's all hot and mushy when it comes out."
Amanda (sounding scared) - "What is?!"
Nick - "This is why they made the phrase no comment."
AJ - "Well there's a big one...is that it?"
Kevin - "I'd have really screwed ya there."
(The lights come on and everyone's frozen in the glare. Nick has a hand on Howie's knee. Howie's hand is on Amanda's shoulder. Brian is sat at her feet while AJ is sat across her lap and Kevin is holding onto a camera man. Everyone moves quickly.)
Brian - "I gotta go spit right now."
AJ - "I am not a part of this. See? I'm over here."
Kevin - "When you get this tape back and it's wack...we're sorry."
Amanda - "That's ok. I'm kinda hoping the camera didn't have that night vision thing on..."
Nick - "Cuz I am TWICE THE MAN!"
Kevin - "This is what LA does to ya...freaks ya out man."
Nick - "There's still questions that need to be answered?"
AJ - "Nice guy isn't he?"
Kevin - "I guess this room would bring out the animal in anybody."
AJ - "Shut up man...quit talkin."
Kevin (nodding towards Amanda) - "She digs you man."
AJ (preening himself) - "Nick wanted me to point out that Nick, me and Howie are all single."
Nick - "HELL YA!"
Howie - "SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU!"
Brian - "Lying about your AGE!"
Amanda - "Uh, whatever. That's it for today. Tomorrow we'll be ALMOST interviewing We Suck..."
Director (off-cameraas the guys snigger) - "Uh, that's N'Sync."
Amanda - "Oops, little slip there. Bye y'all!"
AJ - "You guys have a wonderful day and keep yourself nice and cozy."
Brian - "Ya, what he said."
AJ - "By God we're still waiting for our food."