And they sure are. It has been just over a month since Nick had come to my room and told me of his decision, and we barely speak anymore. I think it’s just that we’ve got nothing left to say to each other. And I can’t bear to be alone with him. I’m scared that I’ll take one look into his eyes and fall in love. Cos I’m SO close to that. I only realised just HOW close when I had to look him in the eye as he said goodbye. But there’s no point in my dwelling over it. I need to move on. Just like he has.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve seen him more and more with a blonde dancer hanging off his arm. She’s called Clare and she’s pretty and I hate her. He’ll whisper in her ear and she will giggle happily. I know that it’s not her fault but that was me once, SHOULD be me. I hate it when she giggles and smiles at him, but I hate it most when she makes him laugh. His laugh belongs to me. So does that little half-smile he does whenever he’s thinking about sexual things.
I’m acting dumb I know. It’s totally irrational. But since when has my heart been rational? I just have to ride it out and hope the feelings disappear as quickly as they seem to have come. Even if they don’t, there’s only two months left of the tour. How bad could it be?
I drag myself out of my chair and stifle a groan. I’m feeling seriously ill today. I’ve actually been feeling awful all week but I figure it’s just the flu and it’ll pass. It’s been going round the tour over the past month and I’m just this week’s unlucky victim.
I pull my camera out of the bag and go in search of some unsuspecting victims. I’m trying to get a series of unaware shots of the guys and their band. I have a lot already. It was while doing this yesterday that I saw Nick with Clare. They had been alone in the dressing room and I had stopped in the doorway just as Nick bent down to whisper into Clare’s ear. She had looked up at him and reached out to draw his face closer to hers. I hadn’t hung around to see any more. That little gesture had emblazoned itself on my memory, making a mockery of any belief I had that I’d gotten over Nick.
I head into the catering unit and find AJ and Howie trying to juggle apples. I stifle a giggle and start taking pictures. This was perfect. A few minutes later, they notice me and start kidding around for the camera. I laugh and take a few more shots before winding the film on.
“Thanks guys.”
“Don’t do that dude!” says Howie as AJ tries to return the bruised fruit to its bowl.
“Hell, no one’ll notice.”
“I will!” Howie throws his fruit in the trash.
“Dude, that’s a waste!” AJ argues. “Ya can cut off the bruised bits…”
I leave them arguing over the fruit and find the other three guys in the arena playing with a baseball. Kevin is pitching, Nick is hitting and Brian is fielding. I take a few shots until they notice me and then put my camera down. I start to head over to join them but my head feels weird. I sit down suddenly and hold my head in my hands, trying to shake off the lightness.
“You ok Starr?” calls Brian from the stage.
“Yeah,” I wave for them to continue with the game.
After a few minutes, I feel a little better and decide to head back to the bus for some flu medicine. I stand up gingerly, reach for my camera and then there’s a whooshing sound and the sound of the guys’ voices seems to fade with my vision.