if you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?
if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
is it ok to use the am radio in the after noon?
what do chickens think we taste like?
what do popple in china call their good plates?
what hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bland man?
when dog food is new and improved tasting, who tasts it?
why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are ther flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
How does the snowplow driver get to work?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
THE LIFE OF AN EGG
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and
2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face
was your mother!
You know you're from Wisconsin when ...
1. You define summer as three months of bad
sledding.
2. Your definition of a small town is one that only
has one bar.
3. Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
4. You refer to the Packers as "we."
5. At least 50 percent of your relatives work on a
dairy farm.
6. You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and
"Trivers."
7. You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the
same week.
8. You can identify a Michigan accent.
9. You know what "cow-tipping" is.
10. You learned to drive a tractor before the
training wheels were off your
bike.
11. "Down South" to you means Chicago.
12. Traveling coast to coast means going from
Superior to Milwaukee.
13. The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee, and
PBR.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. You were offended by the movie "Fargo."
16. You know that Eau Claire is not something you
eat.
17. You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
18. You consider Madison "exotic."
19. You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
20. Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da
Yoopers.
21. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
22. You've seen a hodag.
23. You used to think Deer Season was included as an
official school holiday.
24. You know that Gotham is a real city.
25. You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc.
26. You know what a "bubbler" is.
27. The snow on your roof in August weighs more than
you do.
28. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of
a cow next to your blue
spruce.
29. You think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper
sticker on every car
north of Madison.
30. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his
new machine shed.
31. A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend
shining for deer.
32. You go out for fish fry on every Friday.
33. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and
return home wearing
shorts.
34. You tell someone where you are from and they
say: "I thought that was
part of Canada."
35. Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to
dive in a giant beer mug.
36. Your idea of the seasons is winter, spring, and
the Fourth of July.
37. You know how to polka.
38. Your idea of diversity is having black, white,
and brown cows.
39. You think Lutheran and Catholic are the major
religions.
40. You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop."
41. Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans, and
a baseball cap.
42. You tried to tap the "World's Largest Six Pack."
43. Your children describe their summer vacation out
of state as a "trip to
Door County."
44. You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
45. You have to go to Florida to get a tan in
August.
46. You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it
glowed in the dark.
47. You define "swimming season" as Labor Day
weekend.
48. Your Fourth of July Family Picnic was moved
indoors due to frost.
49. You know where the city of Waunakee is, and you
can pronounce it.
50. You can visit Luxembourg, Holland, Belgium,
Denmark, and Poland all in
one afternoon.
51. You have more fishing poles than teeth.
52. You decided to have a picnic this summer because
it fell on a weekend.
53. You have been involved in a "drive-by hay
baling."
54. You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find
anyone unfamiliar with
them to be frighteningly foreign.
Wisconsin Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above- New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Wisconsin people plant gardens.
50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Wisconsin people sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.
Wisconsin people drive with the window down
32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Winnebago's water gets thicker.
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats
Wisconsin people throw on a sweatshirt
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Wisconsin people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
0
People in Miami cease to exist..
Wisconsin people lick the flagpole
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Wisconsin people get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
Wisconsin's Girl Scouts begin selling> cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Wisconsin's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter
Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Wisconsin people rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsin people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Wisconsin cows complain of farmers with> cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.
Wisconsin people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
Tongue Twister!
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tennessee
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled
the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.About that coat you
wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to
send
in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the
pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he
burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
1. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
2. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
3. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
4. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
5. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
6. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
7. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
8. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registeredblood donars.
9. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
10. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
11. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
12. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
13. Marilyn Monroe had six toes (not that anybody really noticed).
14. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turnwhite.
15. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
16. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer thanleft-handed people do.
17. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
18. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that theystart with.
19. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember> the word you want.
20. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
21. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
22. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
23. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
25. China has more English speakers than the United States.
26. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
27. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.
28. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
29. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
30. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
31. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
32. No president of the United States was an only child.
33. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
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