Dear Jules, I texted you but you still ain't callin' I left my mobile, my e-mail address, and home number at the bottom I sent two e-mails after you were at Passion. You must not have got them It probably was a problem with the railways at the moment or something Sometimes I text too quickly when I send them But whatever, fuck it, what have you been up to man, how's your son? My best friend's pregnant too, but she doesn't know who's the father I'm glad you don't have a daughter There's only room for one woman in your life and I'm putting myself forward I read about your set at Code that went down a storm I'd like to have been under the decks to keep your privates warm I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan I even got the Hi-Gate shit you did with Paul Masterson I got a room full of your CDs and vinyl I don't know if they're any good, but they make me smile Anyway, I hope you get this, text me back, just to chat Truly yours, your most random fan, this is Pam Dear Jules, you still haven't texted me back, I hope you have the chance I'm not mad, you're probably just too monged-out to answer fans If you didn't want to sign my tits outside your gig You didn't have to, but you could have signed my friends tits She goes to insomniacz, she's mentally only six years old We waited in the blistering cold for you for four hours just to get in She's really pretty Jules, you're like her fucking idol She wants to screw you, man, she wants to screw you more than I do I'm not mad, but I do like being tied up Remember when we met in Sheffield, you said if I texted you, you would text back See, I'm just like you in a way. I club all over the country Only I'm looking for DJs who are prepared to shag me I follow you around when you're at work But some of the records you play make my head hurt I don't really care about the music, I'd rather just get undressed Then you could get your hands on my silicone chest Sometimes I swallow just to see how it feels It's like adrenhaline, the taste is such a sudden rush for me See, everybody says you're cool And that's why I want everyone to know you've shagged me Your grirlfriend might be jealous because I call you 24-7 But she doesn't know how much I want to screw you, Jules, noone does She doesn't know what it's like for a random like me Desperate to have you inside her fuzz You've got to call me Jules. I'm the biggest fan you'll ever screw Sincerely yours, Pam. PS. We should try a 69 position too Dear Mr. 'I'm too progressive to write to my fans' All I ever wanted was your dick in my hands It's been six months and I still haven't had a screw I know you got my last two letters Because I went round your house and hand delievered them to you So this is the last text message I'm sending you I hope you receieve it I'm in the bar right now, I've drunk 90 Bacardi Breezers Hey Jules, I also downed some vodka, I'm going to be sick outside You know that song by Angelic, 'Can't keep me Silent'? Well, that's my song now and I'm getting violent Before that she said 'Its my Turn'and started all that shouting That's kin of how this is. You could have rescued my from drowning Now it's too late. I'm on 1,000 lines of coke now, I'm buzzin' And all I wanted was a screw in the DJ booth I sold all your Ministry compilations because they were never used I fancied you Jules, we could have fucked together, think about it You ruined it now, I hope you stink and can't DJ because of it Ans when you DJ, I hope you can't mix and you scream about it I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me See Jules {*screaming*} - shut up bitch, I'm in a rage Hey Jules, that's not my girlfriend screaming on the stage It's my best friend, she's tied up, like I wanted you to do She's suffocating on a DJs dick and you could have had that too Well, gotta go, I'm almost passing out Oh shit, I forgot, after all that coke I can't sleep anyhow {*sound of vommiting, breaking glass, giggling*} Dear Pam, I meant to write you sooner, but I've just been busy You said your best friend's pregnant now Well, let's make it clear it has nothing to do with me I'm not at all flattered that you fancy me If you really want an autograph buy another compilation from Ministry I'm not in the least sorry I didn't see you at the show I made a special point of missing you I do all that shit intentionally - that's why I got a court order out against you And what's this shit you said about you'd like to shag me, too? Have you seen my wife? She's gorgous, and not fucked up like you I know you've got some Mixmag issues, Pam, but you're not really a clubber You're just some dodgy random bird and I'm more likely to sleep with your mother Face it Pam, we're never going to be together I don't even want us to meet each other I really think you and your girlfriend ought to screw each other That way you'd do us a favour I hope you get to read this letter before you go out of your mind If you really want to hurt yourself, try sleeping on a railway line I'd like to relax alittle. I can't do that if I see you, and Pam... What has made you so mad? Try to understand, I do not want you as a fan! I know you're capable of doing some crazy shit Like this thing on the news a couple of days ago about this woman being sick She'd mixed Bacrdi Breezer and vodka And she had her girlfriend tied up choking on a DJs dick And on the phone they found a text message ut it didn't say who it was to Come to think about it, her name was... Fantastic, it was you Now piss off and leave me alone | ||||||
