"W-What? Why must we talk about her! Do I have to be reminded that I took her life? I never expected for Anne and I to push it this far! We took her life away from her!"
Kylie put her hand up in the air to stop Lance from saying anymore. "Lance, this is what I wanna talk to you about! You didn't kill her!"
Lance shut his eyes and shook his head vigorously as he stormed away from Kylie.
Kylie ran up to him, not letting him out of her sight. "Lance, how many times do we have to tell you NOT to run from your problems?"
Lance sighed not wanting to hear anymore.
"Here," Kylie handed him the envelope she was carrying. "This is from Ryan, I recommend that you read it. In the middle of the letter there's a section referring you…and only you. It will tell you everything."
Lance looked at Kylie with sad, hurt eyes. His eyes examined the envelope. Lance took it in his hands. He swallowed slowly, letting his Adams apple bob up and down.
"Come on, let's find a place to sit so you can read it."
Lance didn't say a word, he trusted Kylie to lead him to a place of privacy. His eyes never parted from the cream colored packet. A few minutes passed, but to lance it felt like a lifetime. Kylie led him to a table with two chairs.
"Do you want me to stay here or should I just sit at another table?"
Lance looked up at Kylie, being broken from his hypnotic state. "What…oh…no, please…stay." Lance pulled out a chair, letting Kylie take it.
She thanked him and watched Lance sit down slowly. He stared at the envelope like it was going to bite him. He analyzed it and noticed the opening, tore to pieces. He sighed softly and reached his hands inside the tight fit and pulled out the three sheets of paper. Lance looked up one last time at Kylie before his eyes started to read over the handwriting of Ryan's confession.
"To whom this may concern:
I, Ryan Haley Joleigh have made a strenuous discussion of committing suicide. Please of all things don't find me insane or different for doing what I did. I had my reasoning. I lived a normal life for a 20-year-old. I had a loving and caring family, along with friends. They were my life. Until something horrid entered it, adding a new list to my life, enemies. Throughout my life, I never really understood the concept of someone hating another person. Until I met one person that showed me it was true. She shall rename nameless. Of course, she wasn't the full reason that I did this. It was EVERYTHING. My new job, the stress of the job, all the yelling, and the deadlines. My body just couldn't handle it. I felt like I was on overload 24-7.
Under my conditions, I chose to take my life under these categories: Bitterness, loneliness, stress, unhappiness and fear. Through this time period was not cause by anyone but myself. I chose to let the littlest things get to me. I was and never would have been a strong willed person. I have low self-esteem, which I'm sure didn't help my state. I dug myself into this hole that I was in. I saw no way out that's why I did what I did. I feel it was the right thing to do, even though you might think other wise. I'm not saying that suicide is the way out of your problems, but to me, I had no other possibilities in my eyes. Please, of all things, respect what I did and don't judge me for my discussion. I was still the same old person everyone knew.
In this letter I would like to talk to someone I know that I will never see again and think highly of in my life; James Lance Bass.
Dearest Lance,
I know that you must be feeling horrible for me doing this, and I want you to know that you had nothing to do with it. It was MY decision. Something deep down is telling me that you're going to take credit for this. Please, I beg you…don't put yourself through this, you had NOTHING do to with my decision. I knew about you and Anne mostly the whole time. One night when you were discussing it with Anne on the phone, I knew your side. I was outside of Anne's door. I knew what she was planning; I prepared for the impact. I guess that I wasn't fully aware of what she had intended. She was cursing herself that night for you trying to pull out of it, and it made her boil. I knew then that you weren't a cruel person. You cared about me…that is something that I will NEVER forget. I loved all of you guys like the brothers I never had. Please don't let this get to you…just remember, I love you.
One thing that I will never forget is when we didn't get along the first time we met. (Those were the good old days….haha, that sounds kinda odd) Please, watch over everyone for me, JC, Kylie, Justin, Chris, Joey, and yourself. I will never forget any of you. You all brought so any different feelings into my life that I had never experienced before. And I thank you all for that.
I know that you all will be upset about this (maybe not everyone ha ha. See I still have a sense of humor) I care for you all and plan to watch over all of you. I may not be here anymore as you read this, but I'm in your hearts if you allow me to be. Please, don't let yourself go down the road that I chose. It's not the happiest of all trails. Thank you everyone for being apart of my life, even though it might of not of been very long. You surely made an impact in my heart. I love you all. Mind you that I never told anyone about how I felt because these were MY secret emotions.
Your Friend,
Ryan"
Lance exhaled softly as his chin trembled. His breathing was short and separated. As he read that letter, he felt like Ryan was right there, over his shoulder, reading it along with him. His red, puffy green eyes lifted up to Kylie's who were full of sorrow and concern.
"I-I…I never…I never knew that…she felt that way…"
Kylie closed her eyes and nodded her head up and down in a smooth connected motion. "It opens your eyes doesn't it?"
Lance swabbed his tears off of his hot cheeks and placed his damp hand back on the metal table. Reading that letter made Lance feel at ease with himself. He felt better, he still knew that he played a part in it. The thing that left him was the guilt. He now knew that it just wasn't him that caused her to do this. Lance placed his chin in the palm of his hand and looked at Kylie.
For the first time in five days, he smiled. Not a forced one, nor weak…but a full out ear to ear smile. Kylie got up from her sit and walked over to the other side of the table and clasped Lance into a big bear hug. Lance wrapped his strong arms around her and leaned his head up against her shoulder. Lance pushed away, his smile still plastered on his face.
"Thank you Kylie…I owe you so much…"
"No, you don't. The smile on your face is enough to pay me back."
Lance got up from his chair. Him and Kylie started to walk back home. The sky was losing light, giving the accent of purple and pink against the clouds, beginning the stages of a dazzling sunset.
(Later that night)
Lance still didn't feel like he was quite complete yet. There was something missing, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He wish he could just see Ryan one last time…its what he wanted more than anything. He knew that he wouldn't occur, she was gone and she wouldn't be returning anytime soon. He wanted to see her, even if it meant seeing her grave.
"That's it!"
Lance got up from his bed at headed to his dresser. He put on some jeans and over his wife beater he put on a plaid T-shirt. He quickly searched for a matching pair of shoes and put them on it what seemed like a record time for him.
Lance grabbed his cell phone and walked out of the house, locking the door behind him. He unlocked his car door and jumped in, starting the engine. Lance put on his head lights and back the car out of his drive way.
Lance knew exactly where he was going to complete his task and feel at ease with himself. He had some stuff that he needed to say to an old friend. Lance, keeping his eyes on the road pulled out his cell phone and dialed an all too familiar number. The phone rang two times before a groggy voice answered.
"Hello?"
"Justin, its Lance."
"Lance, do you have ANY idea what time it is?"
"I'm going to Albany."
"New York?"
Lance rolled his green eyes, "Yes, dumb butt…New York."
Justin sat up in his bed. "Lance…why? And why are you being sarcastic?"
"I'm going to see Ryan and I got some sense knocked into me."
Justin smiled, "Good, I'm glad that your back Lance…please be careful going out there. Do you know your way?"
Lance didn't know exactly where to go on this, but Justin told him to call him whenever he got in to the airport in Albany and he would direct him the whole way through.
"Thanks man, I owe you…"
"No, you don't…Just go to Ryan, I think that you need to do some unfinished business."
