Around midnight sometime I told myself I had accomplished enough for one evening and let myself sleep. Not without some herbal tea and insomnia pills though. I couldn’t sleep, not with so much my mind. And especially with the guilt that I was harboring inside. Around 1 I finally fell into an uncomfortable sleep were dreams were nightmares and all was black. It was bad enough to make me want to get up in the morning.
Maybe I was meant to be alone, I concluded while I got ready. Maybe I was too “tender hearted” and selfish for another person to be near me long enough. I always had Maya but its not like we conversed everyday. It just didn’t happen. And I knew that was my over achieving fault. Did that mean I had missed the big picture by a long shot? I hoped not.
I made a mental note to try and get the nerve to call Brian and apologize considering I still felt guilty as hell but I was afraid that a “I’m sorry” wouldn’t do much. And I had enough supporting evidence for that to be more than reluctant.
Life was not getting any better. I was out of the blue, but into the dark. And I knew I preferred the blue better. Ignorance is Bliss, as they say but I was far too experienced and knew enough to know that I would never get my ignorance back. I was just a smart, lonely, girl who wanted too much for her own good.
After a day filled with classes I called Brian. Maybe it would help, maybe it would not. Either way I had to do it.
“Hey.” He said.
“I would just like to tell you I’m sorry.” I said. He knew who was now.
“Why?” He asked.
“For hurting you.” I replied.
“Because you don’t want Me to be hurt or because you don’t like to hurt anybody or are you just having a sudden case of guilty conscience or are you just being sincere and would like to actually pursue something with me?” He questioned. I almost started to cry. But I didn’t dare reply at least not yet.
“Well?” He asked rudely.
“I figured it would be the polite thing to do.” I choked out. He seemed to realize then I had begun to cry.
“Let me come over.” He begged.
“Why? Why are you doing this?” I asked.
“Let me come over.” He repeated. I finally gave in. The only way to get over this was either to end it or change it and both of those required talking.