I was wandering again. It was the eighth night in a row. I headed up to the attic subconsciously. There the hardwood floors creaked and groaned as if in agony. The attic was empty filled with only dust and a rocking chair that I sat upon when I made it up. I sat and a I rocked. Something was missing in my life. Something was leaving me this unfulfilled. I could not explain it but life just seemed a daily cycle, it was missing the excitement, the pure enjoyment. I was afraid. Afraid of living like this but even more afraid of dying without knowing what I was missing .
Across the floor dreams and shadows were playing but once my fears joined the game it became not as pleasant, not as predictable. Images tousled through my restless, tired brain. Insomnia was one thing. This was another. This pain, sorrow, and most of all empty feeling that was disregarded in the light. The light seemed to make my rose colored glasses work. The light made my friends and family occupy my mind. In the night it was just I. I had a room mate. His name was Daniel. He was my best friend of 8 years. He was great to live with but that wasn’t the problem.
I had a life. I had a job. I had friends and family. What more did I need? The only thing that popped up was a boyfriend. But I have had those before and they didn’t help of coarse I wasn’t suffering form insomnia and feeling so strange.
I decided the attic wasn’t performing its usual therapeutic duties and I headed out for a walk. I was jeans, and a white tank top. The same outfit I wore that day. I didn’t bother changing into pajamas I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I ran a brush through my hair. But I assume seeing me walking along the road at almost 4 am, made me seem wild. I didn’t care. I wanted to sleep. I wanted fulfillment. I wanted true happiness, if such a thing does exist. I assumed it did. Whenever I was in public everyone seemed happy in their own way. I used to be happy. I used to laugh and giggle and smile at every turn. Now it wasn’t the same. Whether it was sleep or just my emotions I could not tell.
I could not lead this to any event. It just started happening. Maybe it was a wake up call. Or a no more sleep call, I thought. The crisp, damp, hot Florida air flowed through my hair and through my veins. The dark night seemed to be a constant reflection of my sorrows. It was dark, forbidden and mysterious. Something not understood but accepted. I walked for who knows how long. I didn’t concentrate on where I was going. I didn’t care. That was not the point. It was like some twisted form of meditation.
My walk did not give me some unknown revelation. It just got me lost. Right as the sun began to rise, I knew I should be headed home. Daniel would be worried. When he finally did get up. But I didn’t know the right way home. So I kept walking. It was a beautiful day from the start. Bright colors everywhere. It gave me a bit of contentness and some energy. But it was chocolate. It was only a short term help. It would soon fade and it was obvious it was inauthentic. I began to get a little thirsty but I saw no nearby stores, so I walked some more. As the day wore on I grew tired but my walk continued. What else was I to do? Just before it got dark or as it got dark I began to cry. I felt so helpless, alone, scared.
The void was not leaving and walking was not helping. Nothing helped. It had been there for so long but its effects were only recently taken on. But it was becoming unbearable. As the first tear fell, it was as if a dam broke lose. Everything came out gushing out. So I sat on a curb near a fence with green ivy everywhere crying. It felt good but did no good. To make matters worse soon a man drove up. At first he didn’t see me, he was doing something in his car. But when he did, his intense blue eyes quickly linked with mine. I looked away as soon as it happened. The sweet memory of his chiseled jaw still fresh in my brain. It felt like hours had passed but he didn’t move and it in fact had only been seconds.
“Miss, are you all right?” He asked sympathetically. How do I respond to that. I hadn’t no real reason for my feelings. I had no real problems. I was just a little empty inside. People don’t just tell people they are empty inside.
It is weird. When I didn’t respond he seemed to understand. I don’t think he actually knew what was going on but he knew I didn’t answer for a good reason and for now that was enough. There was something very familiar about him but I could not place it. I assumed my ravish appearance must have shocked him at first. But as I walked up to his car I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I didn’t look as bad as I thought. I had no idea why I walked up to him. I had no idea what thought possessed me to do so. But right as I reached him, He opened the door and got out. There was some unspoken words and I followed him to the other side of the car where he opened the door and I got in. He soon joined me in his car. He drove through a gate and finally reached a huge house I assumed to be his. Again he opened my door like a gentlemen. Once we were inside, nothing was verbally exchanged either. I walked into his kitchen and helped myself to a glass of water. He sat on the couch contemplating something I knew was somehow about me. As I walked passed him our eyes met again. I soon sat on the couch across from him. I could tear my eyes off him. I didn’t get a real good look but that wasn’t the important thing. Our eyes would not tear away. If someone put a laser beam between us it would rest in our eyes for they never parted. I had never had such an experience before. Although I can barely call the last two weeks normal. I harbored some false hope that he could help me. He must be able to, otherwise what are we doing here. I couldn’t really explain any of it. But the emptiness was still there. Would I have to live with it? I pondered. My thoughts quickly ceded as I saw a flicker of motion in his eyes. I was as if he too had some pain or sorrow he could not kill. But why was this happening now? Was this fate’s plan. Maybe he felt empty too. Maybe he recognized it in me. As I was beginning to recognize it in him. I had no idea but we sat there starring at each other, but in a way knowing each other, for over 2 hours. Once he found out the time he headed up to show me my room, apparently I was staying here. I didn’t plan on sleep cause I knew it wouldn’t happen but I humored him and stayed in my room for awhile. I called and left Daniel a message stating I was alive. Then I began to roam his house, where the shadows teased me at every turn as if they had that special something I didn’t. That idea would not drop and I soon went to my room crying.
I had no idea why a strange girl was in my house. I was very comfortable with her and I didn’t even know her name. Not that a name is the important thing about a person. She was in a lot of pain. I wanted to fix that for her. I knew how it felt though and a part of me believed that is why we were supposed to meet. To be each other’s cures. I looked at myself and I didn’t see what I wanted to see. I remembered a time I knew what happiness was. Now I was unsure. All I had was the damn memory. And no one would be taking that away.
When I first saw her though, I was unaware of my pain. I was only aware of hers. And even though it is pain nonetheless it was better that way. I hoped she would continue to make me feel better. End the problem that I couldn’t really explain. It was just that everything that I felt that was good was fake. It was all staged. I just wanted to have a normal happy life. But that could not happen for two reasons. One was I was a teen idol. Two I was empty, I guess you could say. This was like a never ending nothingness. But something was changing I could feel it. I couldn’t place what, how much or even if it was good or bad but something was changing and that is all because of her. I heard her walking around my house. Probably an insomniac. Then I heard her run to her room sobbing. Without thinking I left my room for hers. I didn’t knock I just let myself in. She was in the corner crying, that was the oddest thing but she was so afraid that when I entered she cowered even more until she knew it was me. I knew I didn’t scare her but I couldn’t place what was scaring her. Was it just harder to deal with at night? I certainly had that problem. I walked up to her, not really knowing what I was doing but feeling whatever I was doing was right.
Once I was near enough to her she stood up too and collapsed in my arms. She weighed barely nothing but the fact she was depending on me seemed to add a sense of belonging. She could be mine, I could make her mine. But would that help either of us. I couldn’t say so I dropped the thought for the moment. I picked her up and carried her to my room. I don’t know why but I was running on whims here constantly. Her arms wrapped around me although I am sure she knew I wouldn’t drop. Maybe she didn’t want to let go, I pondered. But I had a feeling I only saw that in her because I saw it in me. Right as I hit the bed, with her still in my arms I began to cry too. Why would God sit here and make us feel such pain. I couldn’t answer that. All I knew is that being here with her seemed to help a little and that was a lot more hope than I had achieved in along time. Suddenly I stopped crying. I am not sure if it was shortage of tears or whatnot but I looked at her and I noticed she had too. She was looking at me strangely but smiled when I caught her. It was the first time I had seen her smile and even in the dark it seemed to light up the room. The illuminations from the moon and stars outside played upon her face. She was just barely sitting up only about a foot away from me. I am not sure how that happened but I didn’t care. I scooted up to her and placed my hand against her cheek in amazement. She wasn’t smiling anymore but she wasn’t sad and that was the important thing. Soon I leaned over and lightly pecked the lips that were earlier sobbing. Just the small touch ignited something in me. Maybe it was just sexual drive that had decided to show itself but somehow I knew it was something I had not known before. Then without reason I again kissed her. This one was longer, and she got a chance to kiss back. It was slow, meaningful and most of all healing. She noticed it too and looked at me her face full of surprise and wonder. I couldn’t help but let a smile spread across my lips. I soon laid down next to her. She rolled inot my arms. And I gladly wrapped them around her. Somehow we both fell asleep that night. Somehow the problem was fading away.
She took it all away and I couldn’t help but do the same for her. That was when I knew I could never let her go. So what if we didn’t know each other yet? We would someday soon and already I felt such a strong bond. I knew she felt it too. The shadows that soon wrapped around me as I fell asleep were smiling as if they knew the future but glad the past was gone.