The individual interviews had been easier than Alanna had thought they would be. All she had to do was maintain a professional manner when she was interviewing Ashley. It had gone quite well, considering that Alanna had to constantly fight back tears when she was in Ashley’s presence.
“Are you okay Alanna?” Dan asked one day, a week after the interviews. Alanna sighed, resting her head in her hands.’’
“No, Dan. I’m not.” Dan looked down at the ground.
“What’s more important to you Alanna? Ashley or your job?” Alanna looked at Dan angrily.
“It isn’t about what’s more important, Dan.” Alanna shook her head. “I came from a family that didn’t give a damn about anything that was going on in my life. They didn’t care about what I was interested in or who my friends were. I tried my hardest to do everything that I could to make them interested in my life. I got perfect grades, I was the valedictorian at my high school. Nothing was ever good enough. This is my chance to show them that they have a reason to be proud of me.”
“What are you trying to prove Alanna? It seems to me that no matter what you do, your parents are still going to be self centered and not care about what is going on in your life.” Dan shrugged his shoulders. “I wouldn’t give up the one person who ever loved me because I was trying to prove something to my parents.” Alanna stood up quickly, knocking over her chair in the process.
“I’m trying to prove that I DESERVE to be loved!” Alanna shouted, dropping to her knees. She rested her head in her hands, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks. Dan sat down next to her on the floor and pulled her into his arms. Alanna rested her damp cheek against Dan’s broad chest, silent sobs racking her body.
“Shhh.” Dan soothed, stroking Alanna’s shoulder length brown hair. “Everything is okay.” Alanna sniffled, quite sure that everything was far from okay.
*******************************
Ashley marched to Vivienne's office, a small room at the back of the bus, filled with a sense of purpose.
“Well hello Ashley.” Viv said when Ashley entered her office. Ashley sat down, and crossed his arms over his broad chest.
“We need to talk.” Ashley commented, trying to contain his anger at the airhead’s selfishness. Viv took off her reading glasses and set them down on her desk.
“About what Ash?” Ashley winced when he heard her use his nickname.
“First off, don’t call me Ash. Only my closest friends call me that and you and I are far from being close friends. Second, I’m here to talk about Alanna.” Viv nodded.
“Okay, what about her?” Ashley sighed, and ran a hand through his spiky blond hair.
“I want to know what you would say if I told you that I was in love with Alanna.” Viv shrugged her shoulders.
“I’d say that’s a pity.” Ashley cocked his head in confusion, getting angrier by the second.
“Why?” Viv sighed, looking annoyed.
“Because she is part of your Public Relations team. Members of our staff do not date the band members. It’s that simple. Alanna seemed to understand it just fine.” Ashley shook his head.
“Do you not even care that you are standing in the way of two people in love? Do you not care about what this is doing to Alanna?” Viv put her glasses back on and started to look over O-Town’s schedule for that week.
“Love is for poor saps who don’t know any better.” Viv said, smiling coldly. “If Alanna wants to keep her job, then I suggest that she stay away from a relationship with you.” Ashley got up, looking at Viv defiantly, but the look on her face told Ashley that she meant business.
“I mean it Ashley.” Viv’s cold smile chilled Ashley to the bone. “Stay away from Alanna.”
**********************
Alanna sighed, staring at the blank screen of her laptop, the blinking of the cursor almost taunting her. She was supposed to be pulling together information so she could start on the individual bios. But her head was somewhere else and she was having trouble concentrating. Alanna jumped when she heard a knock at the door.
“Come in.” Alanna called out, tiredly. Erik stepped through the doorway separating the bunks from the living area.
“Hey.” Alanna sighed and shut her laptop.
“Hey Erik.” He came into the living room and sat down next to her. “What’s up?”
“We have a concert tonight.” Erik said, sliding a ticket across the table to Alanna. “Viv got you a front row seat. She wants you to write a review of the concert and post it on the web site.” Erik looked from Alanna’s tired face to her defeated posture. “Are you sure that you’re up to it?” Alanna nodded, yawning.
“I’ll be fine Erik. What time does the concert start?”
“Seven.” Erik looked at his watch and got up. “I gotta go.” Alanna nodded and Erik left. She headed to the storage space beneath her bunk and sifted through her clothes, trying to find the perfect outfit for the concert. Finally, after searching for a half an hour, Alanna finally found the perfect outfit.
It was a long khaki skirt that reached down to her ankles paired with a tight white baby tee that had the word Princess across it in sparkly pink letters. She threw her shoulder length brown hair into a loose ponytail. With some glitter dusted onto her eyelids, and light pink lip gloss, she looked like the average teenager. Alanna would fit in perfectly with the pre pubescent girls who were planning on attending the O-Town concert.
Confident that she looked good, Alanna grabbed her mini backpack and a small pad of paper. She looked at herself in the mirror one last time before heading out the door.
*************************
There were already millions of screaming girls in the arena by the time Alanna arrived. She showed her press badge to the guard at the front entrance and proceeded to go to her seat, in the front row, right in the middle, with a perfect view of the stage. Alanna jotted down information about the setup of the stage and looked at her watch. As she looked around the areana, Alanna realized that she had been so caught up with her work that she had failed to realize what city they were in. Redding. It would be Ashley’s first hometown concert.
A wave of memories washed over Alanna as she waited for O-Town to come onstage. She could almost feel the light sea breeze gently blowing across her face, feel the sunshine warming her skin, feel Ashley’s lips on hers. Alanna was jolted out of her reverie by the band beginning to play. She grabbed her notebook and prepared to take notes.
The boys came out and sang “Take Me Under” before introducing themselves individually. Ashley was first.
“This is my first home town concert,” Ashley said, sitting down on a stool with his guitar. “It was only two years ago that I sat on this very stage and graduated from high school.” Ashley paused. “So I was wondering if I could play a song for you guys.” The crowd went wild as Ashley began to play. The notes washed over Alanna, and she too thought back to their graduation. The song had different meaning now.
Even though the moment passed me by,
I still can't turn away
I saw the dreams you thought you'd
never lose , lost along the way
Letters that you never meant to send,
tossed along the way
******
Now we're grown up orphans that never knew
their names. We don't belong to no one,
that's a shame
You could hide beside me maybe for a while,
and I won't tell no one you're name.
I won't tell 'em your name.
Alanna closed her eyes, letting the notes take her back to that summer in Redding, when everything was just how it should be.
Scars are suviniers you never lose
The past is never far
and did you lose yourself somewhere
out there ? Did you get to be a star?
Ashley’s hands were trembling as he played. He saw Alanna in the front row, her eyes closed. Undoubtedly, she was in the same place that he was. Ashley knew that the only way to get through to Alanna was to go back to the one thing that had brought them together. Redding.
You grew up way too fast,
now there is nothing to believe.
Reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
and I won't tell no one you're name.
Alanna felt a single tear snake it’s way down her cheek as she listened to Ashley play. The all consuming love that she had for him was getting harder to ignore, and his talent made her love him even more. But that was the one choice that Alanna would never be able to make. No one should have to choose between the one that they love and the career that they had always dreamed of.
I think about you all the time,
but I don't need the same.
Ashley saw Alanna start to crumble in the front row, blending in with all the other crying girls. In a way, Ashley felt bad for trying to force her to choose between her job and her love for him. But Ashley knew that Alanna was desperatly seeking someone to love, in an attempt to gain what her parents had never given her, and that no job, no matter how wonderful, is nothing without someone you love by your side.
It's lonely where you are.
Come back down, and I won't tell 'em
your name.
*********************
I think about you all the time,
but I don’t need the same.
The same words echoed through Alanna’s mind when she came home from the concert. It had been a high energy performance, an awesome show. But it was Ashley’s performance that had stayed with Alanna. The song that he sang not only brought back memories of Redding, but also reminded her of the strong love that Ashley felt for her, and the fact that she was forced to grow up way too fast.
A life without parental love had forced Alanna to rely on herself, and no one else. That was the way it was, the way it had to be, and Alanna was stupid for thinking that becoming a successful writer would help her parents to appreciate the talents that she held inside of her. All of her life she had desperatly been trying to get them to notice the wonderful things that she achieved, notice the things that she did to try to impress them. None of that matters, Alanna thought to herself. Maybe if I joined a country club and threw big parties, they would finally take notice and actually treat me like their daughter instead of some unwanted house guest who lived in their house for eighteen years.
It didn’t matter anymore. Alanna would just have to face up to the fact that her parents would never love her, and that her dream job was going to keep her from the one guy who had ever shown her the love that she so desperately craved.
Alanna was so distracted that she didn’t Dan until he had sat down next to her at the rather small kitchen table. They were sitting at the back of the bus while the other guys slept.
“What are you still doing up?” Alanna asked. “You must be exhausted.” Dan nodded.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Alanna nodded in understanding. “How did you like the concert?” Alanna looked down at the formica tabletop, tears burning beneath her eyelids.
“It was great. Awsome energy, awesome precision. Everything was great.” Dan nodded thoughtfully.
“And what about Ashley’s performance?” Dan shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, did it make you think about what you’re going to do or was it just another song?” A single tear slid down Alanna’s cheek, leaving a hot salty trail.
“You know,” Alanna said, pausing. “I was so caught up in my work, so caught up in trying to work my hardest and do my best, that I didn’t even realize that we were in Redding.”
“It gets that way sometimes.” Dan said. “Cities blur together, and soon you can’t tell one from another.” More tears slipped down Alanna’s cheeks.
“Ashley sang that song at our graduation.” Alanna shook her head. “Hearing that song brought back so many memories.” Dan smiled softly and Alanna looked up.
“Tell me.” Alanna smiled as she thought back to the days when her and her friends would drool over Ashley.
“I had the biggest crush on Ashley when I was a sophomore.” Alanna laughed, her first real laugh in weeks. “Ashley never noticed me and the more I thought about him, the more I thought that he really had no substance, that he was really egotistical.” Alanna shrugged her shoulders. “I think I never really gave him a chance. We went to the same high school for four years and he never noticed.”
“But when we met on that cliff, he changed my life.” Alanna wiped away a few stray tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “He touched my soul.”
“Wow.” Dan said. “Deep. From the sound of it, you and Ashley were meant to be together.”
“Ashley showed me that I could be loved.” Dan looked at Alanna thoughtfully.
“You never thought that you deserved to be loved?” Alanna nodded, a slight blush tinging her cheeks. “How could you ever think that? You’re smart, beautiful, talented. Everyone deserves to be loved.”
“My own parents don’t love me Dan. How was I supposed to believe that anyone else could?” Dan shook his head.
“I can’t answer that. Only you can.” Alanna looked out the bus window at the rolling California landscape.
“I think I finally realize that there’s nothing that I can do that is going to make them notice me.” Alanna shook her head. “But I can’t give up my dream job. I just can't. It’s not even for my parents anymore.”
“Who is it for then?” Alanna smiled.
“I’m finally doing things for me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Songs used: Goo Goo Dolls~Name