When O-Town finally had some free time, Ashley slipped toward the back of the bus where Alanna’s bunk was. Of course she’s up late, Ashley thought to himself. It was after midnight, and Alanna had a reading light clipped to her book to help her see.
“Hey.” Ashley said softly, so as to not wake his band mates. Alanna looked up from her book.
“Hi.” Ashley gestured toward the crowded bunk.
“Can I come in?” He said, half attempting to joke. Alanna chuckled nervously, and nodded. After shifting onto his side, and propping himself up his elbow, Ashley managed to fit inside the tiny bunk with Alanna.
“Kinda crowded.” Alanna said, her voice wavering slightly. Ashley didn’t respond, his gaze fixed on the shadows that danced on her beautiful face, and how the light brought out the reddish blond tints in her dark brown hair.
Ashley’s heart started beating faster as he took notice of how close Alanna was. She rested her head on her hand and propped herself up on her elbow so that she was facing him.
“Ashley.” Alanna whispered. Ashley watched her, alarmed at how fast her beautiful gray eyes filled with tears. She looked so vulnerable, so helpless.
“What’s wrong?” Ashley was starting to grow desperate as tears started steadily slipping down cheeks.
“I love you so much.” She wiped away the tears that were replaced as soon as she wiped her cheeks. “I hope that you know that.” Ashley pulled her close, feeling her steady heartbeat, and how it quickened as he held her. Ashley was amazed, because the effect she had on him was profound. The sight of her so vulnerable was enough to bring tears to Ashley’s own eyes. While Ashley was deep in thought, Alanna suddenly pulled away, leaving him puzzled.
“Alanna?” She looked up and leaned forward, pressing her lips softly to hers. It was a light, almost imperceptible touch that shook Ashley to the core. He eagerly responded, deepening the embrace, deepening the contact their lips had. The kiss grew stronger and Ashley moved his hands under her Alanna’s shirt, running his hands softly over her back. Alanna impatiently tugged at Ashley’s shirt, breaking the kiss only long enough to pull the shirt over his head.
“Wait.” Alanna looked up, her hair tousled. “I want the time to be right.” Alanna shook her head as her gray eyes filled with tears, a sight that happened way too often for Ashley’s taste. He preferred to see her happy.
“There won’t be a right time Ashley.” Alanna said, running a long fingernail down his chest, over his abs. “I have to either choose my job, which is what I’ve been working for since forever, or I have to choose the most amazing guy in the world. Amazing job or amazing guy.”
“If you honestly love me, there will be a right time, Alanna. It will be when we can be together without putting your job in danger, and it certainly isn’t going to be in a crowded bunk on a tour bus in the middle of nowhere. Our first time together should special.”
“I’ve made my choice Ashley. My job is my life, and it can provide a secure future for me. As long as I have this job, I can’t be with you.” Ashley nodded.
“I get it.” Alanna looked away, unable to meet his angry blue eyes. “Your job is more important.”
“You can’t say that singing isn’t more important to you Ashley.” Ashley shook his head.
“Singing doesn’t mean anything without you by my side, Alanna. You are one of the last ties that I have to Redding, and my life means nothing without you by my side.”
“That’s what it’s all about. Ties to Redding.”
“No, Alanna.” He looked down at the faded bedspread. “It’s about loving you.”
“I made my choice Ashley.” He smiled sadly, his clear blue eyes clearly showing his pain.
“Then I love you enough to say goodbye.” Alanna looked at him in surprise. “It hurts as much for me to say it. I love you and I have to say goodbye. I can’t keep you from living out your dream. It means the world to you and I just have to the face the fact that you say that you love me, but I don’t feel it. I just don’t feel it.”
“Ash--”
“You don’t love me.” He slid out of the bunk. “If a job that could come and go is more important than a love that promises to be with you forever, then you never really loved me at all.”
********************************
“You wanted to see me?” Alanna inquired. Vivienne Martin nodded, and took off her reading glasses.
“Do you have the information that you need to write the biographies?” Alanna nodded, a puzzled look on her face.
“I think so.” She raised a eyebrow in question. “Why do you want to know?”
“I feel that we don’t need your services here anymore. At least not on this tour. You’ll have an office in Orlando, so you’ll still be part of this team. I just don’t think that we need on this tour.”
“This can’t be out of the blue.” Alanna said, suspiciously. “What brought this on?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you.” Alanna nodded, waiting for an answer. “Ashley came to me and asked me what I would do if he was in love with you.”
“And?”
“He asked it as a hypothetical question, but I’m not stupid. You have way too much insight into Ashley and his personality to not know him as more than just a friend.”
“So you’re making me leave the tour because Ashley’s in love with me?” Viv nodded. “That’s bullshit.”
“You are a distraction. Distractions make it hard for Ashley to focus, and then he doesn’t make good music. The fans get pissed and no one wants to buy their albums. The purpose of a Public Relations team is to keep something like that from happening.
“I don’t believe this.”
“I can’t take any chances. I need you out of here by next week. The sooner, the better.” Alanna nodded, got up, and left without saying another word.
*************************
(One week later)
Alanna folded her khaki skirt and Princess shirt, putting them neatly into her suitcase. She grabbed a tattered teddy bear and put it into her backpack, along with her laptop and notes.
This was bullshit. All of it. She was getting kicked off the tour because Ashley was in love with her.
“Was.” Alanna muttered bitterly. “I ruined that one.” She looked around the room, carefully surveying it to make sure that she had everything.
“That’s the last of it.” Alanna said, out loud to the empty room. She stared at the small bunk that had been her home for the past couple of months, a feeling of sadness enveloping her. Alanna reasoned that it would probably be better if she left without saying goodbye. It would be easier for her, definitely easier for Ashley. But the more Alanna thought about it, the more she realized that Ashley at least deserved a letter, especially after everything that they had been through. She sat down at the small kitchen table when they guys had rehearsal and started writing.
Dear Ashley,
I don’t know where to start. I suppose I should start with why I’m writing this letter. Vivienne decided that you being in love with me was good publicity. She thinks that you’ll be distracted and then your music will suck. Viv seems to think that would start some big revolt or something. Sorry. Lame attempt at humor. Of course, Vivienne assured me that I am part of your Public Relations team. Figures.
Regardless of what you say, I do love you Ashley. It’s hard to explain why I did what I did, or why I chose my job instead of you. Maybe even I don’t know the answer. I know that it’s not for my parents anymore. I think I finally realize that nothing will ever make them love or even appreciate my talents. And that ‘s okay. I hope that one day you’ll understand.
Alanna
Alanna slid her letter into an envelope and wrote Ashley’s name across it. She grabbed her backpack and suitcase. Alanna was about to put the letter into his bunk and walk off when walked inside the bus. Ashley took one look at her suitcase and crossed his arms over his broad chest. Alanna could not meet his eyes.
“What’s going on?”
“I have to leave.” Ashley laughed bitterly.
“Sounds familiar. Wasn’t that the same thing that you told me before you left for college.”
“I wrote a letter.”
“Oh, thank you SO much Alanna!” Ashley said sarcastically. “You were just going to write me a letter and then walk out of my life?”
“Viv is making me leave, Ashley.” She handed him the letter. “It’s all explained in there.” He grabbed the letter, and walked off the bus. What an ironic twist. It had been him to walk away.
**************************
She left not soon after that. Ashley waited until she had left before he read her letter.
Dear Ashley........
It had been enough to make his heart break, even more so than it had when he came to the realization that she didn’t really love him. Ashley didn’t even realize that he was crying until a tear dropped onto the paper, wilting it. More tears fell, blurring the flowery writing until it was no longer legible.
So that was it. One amazing summer, the job of a lifetime, one letter, and then she was out of his life. The realization that he had lost the thing that had meant more than anything in his life, made Ashley start sobbing. Deep, racking sobs escaped from Ashley’s throat as he curled up in a ball. One thought ran through his mind.
Alanna.......
**************************
The rain pounded against the cab window as Alanna rode back to her campus apartment. It would be hard going back to classes, resuming her normal life.
As hard as she tried to not think about it, her mind wandered back to Ashley. The anger that she had seen for the first time, evident in his handsome face had scared her. It was definitely something that she hadn’t wanted to see or cause.
“Fifteen dollars.” The cabdriver said. Alanna paid and stepped out into the warm Florida rain. She didn’t know how long she stood outside, but the rain was comforting. Alanna sighed, and headed inside. Nothing was the same.
They had crossed a line, and there was no turning back.