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On My Own
By Leslie
A Venus Fanfiction Production
Do the crew!!!!
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Why do I feel it's all up to me to see that
Everything's right and it's how it should be
Why don't they just leave me alone
I've got to prove I can
Little girl with stars in her eyes they've
Got her all figured out and there's nowhere
To hide why can't they all see who I am
When will they understand
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"Iris!" Justin called running. His curly hair stuck to his forehead as the rain poured down. The raindrops reminded him of the tears he had seen on her face just minutes ago. He had been so blind to the hurt and pain she felt in her heart. He had never noticed she was unhappy or in need. He had thought everything was perfect.

He picked his pace up trying to catch up with her figure. The long, black raincoat hung around her thin, curvy figure while her hair was pulled up into a sloppy bun. Pieces of her hair were falling out and down her back. Her shoulders were held up high, but he could tell that she felt weak. He knew she wanted to collapse.

Justin had been trying so hard with Iris. He loved the parts that he knew about her with all of his heart. He was well aware that she still kept secrets from him. They had been fighting over her secrets. All Justin wanted was to love her, but she wouldn't let him know her. She wouldn't let herself get close to him. They had known one another for a small while over a year, and she still refused to trust him.

He reached out and grabbed her arm lightly. "Iris, please." Justin turned Iris around so that his eyes were staring into hers.

She was one of the most beautiful and intriguing people he had ever met in is life. Her hair was a natural mixture of red and brown. She had highlighted it with blond streaks and wore it in a way that only she could pull off. Her blue-green eyes sparkled as if they had stars placed inside of them. Her skin gave off a bright glow. It was as if a whole container of fairy pixie dust had been poured onto her skin. She sparkled when she walked, talked, smiled or sang. She was nothing short of a goddess, and yet, to Justin's amazement, she had never seen herself as anything but a failure.

Iris had succeeded in everything Justin had ever seen her do. When she had wanted to lose weight, she had. When she had wanted to get into an excellent college, she had. When she had wanted a recording contract, she had worked until she had been offered a contract by Jive. When Iris had wanted to have her poetry published, she had started her own publishing company. In Justin's eyes, she had never failed, but in her eyes, she had never succeeded.

Iris watched him cautiously. She refused to make eye contact with him because she knew she would start crying again if she did. Justin had a magical hold over her. She just wanted to tell him everything, but her fear continued to cause her to bottle everything up inside her soul and her heart.

"Justin." She removed his hand from her arm and turned around so that her back was facing him. She let her shoulders drop as she looked down at the ground. She took in a deep breath and stood tally. "Please?" And she walked away.

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It may take some time they don't know how
It feels because they can't read my mind
They always say I'm too young and they
Feel they should help me
But I can make it all alone out here on my own
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Justin watched as her figure disappeared around the dark corner. He wanted to go after her, but he knew very well that she would only be more infuriated with him if he followed her. Iris was the sort of girl who could not be sheltered at all times. She needed to be hurt.

It hurt Justin to see Iris hurt, but he could do nothing to stop her from feeling pain. She was a girl of many different sides that no one ever got the chance to see. Justin had only seen her happy side until today.

When Justin had arrived home, he had found Iris curled up on the couch clutching a body pillow to her chest and tears streaming down her face. He hadn't known what to do for he had never seen her cry.

Iris had never meant to let her guard down in front of him, but the day had been so incredibly hard that she had not been able to hide her tears of pain. As soon as she looked into his eyes, Iris had felt love take hold of her heart, but she had dismissed the feeling. It was too soon for her to love someone else like her heart wanted to. She needed to be alone. She had needed to be single.

Justin had held her while he cried and had not uttered one word. Iris had refused to tell him what was wrong for she was not even sure what was wrong. There was just something going on in her life that was making her heart hurt. She wanted to be the carefree, happy spirit everyone saw, but inside, she was hurt.

She felt ugly and unworthy of anything and everything she had ever received. She felt as if everyone who loved her would be afraid and run away if they knew how she really was. She wanted to be herself. She wanted people to see when she was sad, mad and happy, but she couldn't let her guard down.

She had let people see who she really was at one time, but that had gotten her nowhere. Everyone had laughed at her. No one had loved her; they had hated her. She had tried to show them that she loved everyone in the world, but they had called her ridiculous and fake.

She hadn't loved a single person since then.

Her heart had become cold and lonely. She had forgotten what it was like to feel love until Justin had come along. He had changed her life, but she was afraid of him.

Iris wasn't ready to love anyone yet.

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Every day I feel so in demand and all I
Wish I could find is a place I can land
One day I'll feel comfort inside cause I'll
Know who I am
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Iris pushed strands of wet hair away from her face as she jogged through the streets of the neighborhood. Her fast paced walking had quickly broken into a run after she had rounded the corner. A tight smile was firmly placed on her face as tears poured down her cheeks.

She could not feel herself crying for the rainwater and wind whipped her in the face causing her to feel nothing but pain. She wiped at her cheeks trying to wash the rain away. She wanted the clouds to disappear and have the sun come back out so that she would no longer feel so much pain in her heart and her soul. She was sick of feeling like this. She just wanted to feel whole again.

She closed her eyes as she continued to run for minutes. Her eyes remained closed as her heart led her to where ever she needed to be.

In a matter of minutes, her hands were holding onto chains that held a swing up. She opened her eyes that felt as if they were glued shut and sat down on the wet, plastic swing. She faced the lake and rested her head against one of the chains.

Her body felt completely tired and over exhausted. She wanted to lay down on a bed of clover with a bright sun shining on her. She would close her eyes and fall asleep. If she ever woke up, she would be living in a dream world where everything in her life would be the way she wished it had always been.

She would live in a large, white house with a porch swing. Iris would be able to curl up with a glass of ice-cold glass of diet coke and a notebook. She would be able to write until her heart had cried its last tear. There would be a rose garden in the front, and she would be in love with Justin. She would be happy all the time and trusting of the people she was close to.

In her dream world, Iris never had to hide her true self from anyone. She could laugh, cry, smile, stare or sigh without anyone asking her if she was all right. No one would fuss over her when she was sad. She would be allowed to simply live.

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I can hold the line if I know in the end
That I won't be left behind I don't regret
What I've done I don't think you can blame me
Now I'm standin' all alone out here on my own
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Iris' eyes searched the park that was laid out in front of her. She had so many happy memories with Justin there. The park itself was like a photo album for Iris. She could close her eyes and see certain moments from their lives together.

From the moment Iris had met Justin, he had treated her nothing short of the goddess that her friends insisted she was. He always held the door open for her, and he never went out with her in public without holding her hand. When her hair would fall into her eyes, he would push it away for her.

Iris had never truly appreciated the little things Justin constantly did for her. She was too enthralled with faking a smile and forcing a laugh to notice how much he loved her. When she had finally noticed, it was too late to pull away.

Iris had learned at an early age that having someone fall in-love with you or having yourself fall in-love with someone led to nothing but heartbreak. She had always pulled away from anyone and everyone who ever loved her. She had too many bad experiences under her belt to allow her heart to fall for another man who could rip it to shreds like so many others had.

She sighed and pushed her legs against the ground forcefully causing the swing to go up into the air and then come back down. She pumped her legs back and forth allowing her body to go up higher and higher into the air along with the plastic swing.

Iris tipped her head back allowing the rain to splatter on her face and then fall down her jawbone. Whenever she would swing, Iris felt like an angel who had finally been set free and was now flying the skies of heaven. She felt like someone with a power to reach out to others. It was the only time when she no longer felt like a failure.

As she swung higher and higher, her imagination began to work in overtime. She could see herself flying through the clouds clutching onto a strong hand. The picture was so vivid in her mind that she could almost taste the fluffy, white clouds she flew through. Her hands could touch the sky as the setting suns' rays reflected in her hair.

She resembled the rainbow as she flew. For that moment in time, she was truly the goddess of the rainbow.

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I'm not thinking 'bout leavin' home
But I need to be on my own
Doesn't mean I have a heart of stone
I won't even ask them why
I can't ever let them see me cry
Here I'm standing all alone out here on my own...
Out here on my own
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Iris slipped her sandals off as she crept up the porch stairs that were in the front of the house. She didn't want Justin to know she was home. She just wanted to take a hot shower, slip into her pajamas and go to sleep. She didn't have enough energy to talk to Justin about anything. She didn't want him to know how she felt.

She wasn't ready to lose him, but she knew that if he knew her deep secrets, he would run away. There was no one in the world that would accept Iris for who she truly was. It was a sad fact she had learned to deal with.

Iris sighed as she placed her hand on the doorknob. She quietly turned the bronze knob to the right before pushing the heavy door open. Before stepping into the house, Iris turned to look out at the sky.

The clouds were now a deep, dark purple. Set next to the mixture of dark blue and black sky, they helped to cast off an eerie yet peaceful surrounding. The rain fell lightly onto the gravel and flowers. The air smelled of fresh rain, and the air felt cool against her skin.

She stepped inside the house and closed the door behind her. The door made a soft banging sound as it closed, and Iris prayed that Justin had not heard it. Her plan was to write Justin a letter from the heart. She would then pack a suitcase and leave the house for the weekend. She just needed time to herself so she could gather her thoughts.

"I was worried about you." The sound of Justin's voice caused Iris to jump up in fright and turn to face him. Her face was flushed, and she felt like she was going to throw up and then faint. She wanted him to take her trembling body in his arms, but she would not allow herself to fall for him. She had to be strong for herself.

Iris silently told herself to be calm and cool. She looked at him with a slightly icy stare and shrugged her shoulders before walking up the stairs. She could hear him following her up the stairs, but she chose to ignore the sound of his footsteps. At that moment, Iris had neither the energy nor the patience to deal with Justin.

She opened the bedroom door and walked inside after flipping a light switch that was screwed into the wall. The lights were so much brighter than the darkness outside that Iris had to blink her eyes repeatedly to grow accustomed to the lighting. She slipped off her wet, black coat and threw it onto her bed.

She stepped out of her shoes and shook off the droplets of water that remained on her feet. She decided to leave her hair up as she tore her black tube top off. She turned around to see Justin leaning in the doorway staring at her figure wearing a strapless black bra and a pair of dark jeans. She shook her head and stepped towards her closet.

Justin watched her with careful eyes. He knew that something had happened while she had been out walking in the rain. Iris had always been distant, but she had never been as distant as she was right now. She had always at least said hello to him, but now she was pretending as if he didn't even exist.

"You can't ignore me forever, Iris." Justin crossed his arms across his chest and stood up taller causing his muscles to seem bigger than they really were. He felt his pride being hurt when she didn't turn around to face him. All he wanted was for her to open up to him even if it was just for a single moment. He was tired of her always hiding everything from him.

Justin sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He needed to get her attention, and he only knew how to do that through one way that he really did not want to do. His eyes adverted themselves to the ceiling, and he mouthed a small prayer asking for the strength he needed. Justin puffed his chest up to give himself confidence.

"I don't know why I even bother with you, Iris." Justin heard her stop rustling around in the closet telling him that she was in fact listening to every word he spoke. He bit his lip and silently wished that she would come out so he wouldn't have to continue. When she made no movements, he knew he had to go on.

"I trust you completely, Iris. I gave you my heart, but all you do is stomp all over it with your lies and fake smiles. I am sick of it.I just want to know you. If you can't give me that, then I am going to stop trying." He turned around on his heels and walked away leaving Iris to her thoughts.

In a matter of seconds, he could hear her tears, but he refused to turn around.

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Feeling lost in a world full of lies
I can't help thinkin' that love is just
Passin' me by Hold on to what I believe
And keep an open hand
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Iris clutched one of his white, collared, button-down shirts to her chest and allowed her mascara and black eyeliner to run onto the cotton. She refused to wipe away the tears because then she would be wiping away her pain, and she was sick of pushing it all away like a strand of hair. It hurt too much.

Her back rested against the closet wall and her knees were bent so she could rest her arms on them. She felt lost and afraid. Her heart couldn't help but call out for him to turn around and run into the closet to hold her. She wanted him to know everything, but she was much too afraid. Everything in the world scared her.

For a period of time, Iris had hid behind baggy jeans and heavy make-up. Then she realized that she needed to change. She needed to be happier so she hid herself behind a world of starvation and skimpy clothes. Both worlds had disappeared by now yet she still hid herself behind a smile.

She was in truth happier than ever, but she felt so much stress from every single direction. She wanted to trust everyone and make him or her happy. She wanted to please every person that she met. She wanted to be perfect even though she knew in the back of her mind that she would never be able to please everyone.

Justin didn't expect perfection. Iris knew this, but she still could not let her guard down. Once she let her guard down, she was liable to feel pain from those she loved. She didn't want to hurt. She didn't want to hurt anyone. She just wanted to continue to hide.

Iris knew she would lose him if she kept her wall up, but she was unsure of how to let it come tumbling down. She didn't know what Justin expected or if he even expected anything. She just wanted to be perfect for him.

Iris rested her head against the wall and sniffled. "You just remember when you drop you guard, nobody had an unbreakable heart," she whispered to herself. She turned her head to the side so her cheek was resting against the wall.

There was no way she would be able to let Justin inside her soul even though she wanted to. No matter what, she would never love him or trust him. Her heart was not aware of how to fall in love. She knew it was unfair to keep Justin thinking she would change. She knew she had to leave.

She didn't want to hurt him, but she knew that no matter what she did, he would get hurt. Justin loved her. Iris was aware of this. He thought she loved him in return. Iris was also aware of this. She knew that she had to go. She just didn't know how to leave without breaking her own heart. As much as she wished she had a heart of stone, she didn't, and she never would.

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Can I have it all if there's no one to
Turn to when I stumble and fall
Is there a secret I need because no one
Has told me-all alone
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Iris pushed herself off of the floor. She wiped her face with his white shirt before walking out of the closet. She crept into the bathroom and picked up the bottle of Justin's cologne. She sprayed it into the air and breathed in deeply. She loved the smell.

She took the skirt and drenched it in the comforting smell of his cologne before grabbing a hold of it once again and walking back out into the bedroom. She was going to miss their calming bedroom.

The walls were painted an off white with a light coating of navy sponge paints. A thick, soft navy comforter covered the king-size bed. Iris had spent many morning wrapped up in the comforter and Justin's arms. Those mornings seemed like such lies now. She felt so weak when she remembered everything. She felt like a horrible bitch that had led the sweetest man on. She wished that she had gotten out sooner than she was.

Iris shook her head and opened the suitcase that rested on the bed. She put the shirt into the suitcase in a crumpled ball. She pushed wet hair out of her eyes and bit her bottom lip before turning and grabbing all of the clothes out of her dressers. She closed the suitcase before scampering back into the closet and retrieved another suitcase.

She carried the navy suitcase to the bed and laid it next to the red suitcase. She unclasped the lock and went back into the closet. When she returned to the bedroom, Iris carried three dresses and two skirts. She piled the clothes into the suitcase.

She pulled a purse out from the closet next and stuffed the money she had stashed in her sock drawer into a wallet. Without looking, Iris pulled a pink tube top out of the closet. She threw off her jeans and underwear before throwing on a dry pair of underwear followed by a pair of skintight, black leather pants. Iris raced into the bathroom and pulled her wet hair out of a ponytail.

She grabbed the hair dryer off of the bathroom counter and dried her hair quickly. She quickly made her face up with make-up before swiping a brush through her hair quickly. She grabbed everything of hers out of the bathroom and dumped it into a small duffel bag. She zipped the bag up. Iris walked into the nearly empty closet and slipped on a pair of black flip-flops. She gave herself a once over in the tall mirror that hung from the closet door. She didn't look perfect, but it would have to do.

Her eyes scanned the bedroom before picking up duffel bag and purse. She slung both over her shoulders before picking up the two suitcases in separate hands. She took in a deep breath as she tried to boost her self-confidence. She had to do this. for him. She walked down the stairs carefully as she silently told herself that he didn't deserve to be treated as she was treating him. He deserved a woman who would love him to his full potential. She wasn't that woman.

Iris walked through the kitchen and caught sight of Justin. He was seated in a chair reading the newspaper. His hair spilled over into his eyes. The sound of Iris' suitcases touching down on the tile floor pulled him from his thoughts.

Justin looked up and immediate pain filled them. He knew she was leaving.

"I never loved you, Justin. I can't love someone. I want to break down my walls for you, but I can't. I have to hide from people. It's how I am. I'm sorry." She took a deep breath and told herself not to cry. She did not want him to see her break down. "I care about you, but I can't love you." Iris took hold of the suitcases and walked outside into the dark night. She wasn't sure where she was going, but she knew that when she got there, she would be stronger.

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It may take some time cause I know
how it feels to have a lot on your mind
I'll never feel all alone cause I
Know that I have me
Now I can make it all alone out here on my own
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