1. Be a girl.
Obviously. This is because, according to Paul Draper, being a boy is like sucking on a lemon. But, even more importantly, be a girl because only then will you be able to understand the importance of acting utterly helpless when faced by a potential blagging up opportunity. Use this to you advantage. Try utilising the old, but much praised phrase, when confronted with an obstacle, "Gosh, silly me, I’m such an airhead! I thought that this was the way to the toilets – I had no idea that this was the back stage area, and that we aren’t supposed to be here. I’m awfully sorry". Hopefully, if all goes to plan, by this stage you will of had ample time to flutter your eyelashes in a completely pathetic 'girlie' way (dumbing yourself down, I’m afraid), but only as a means to an end. Never be afraid to flatter a man’s egos – remember we are stupid and inferior – afterall, it takes enough brainpower just to look good, doesn't it?

2. Make a fake backstage pass.
There are various quality kids TV programmes on the BBC, which show you how to get clever with a roll of sticky back plastic and pot of PVA. Blue Peter has always been a favourite, but nowadays with shows such as SMart and the Tweenies craft corner, the options really are endless. Watch, learn, and imitate. Soon you will be an expert craftsman/woman and will be able to nock up a backstage pass in seconds, using nothing but an empty washing up liquid bottle and roll of sticky tape. We accept no responsibility for body parts accidentally or carelessly being cut off or glued together, so remember to always get help from a responsible adult.

3. Use you charm.
If you do happen to 'accidentally' bump into your target band/rock star, try saying "my isn't that a lovely shirt, where did you get it from, it really suits you". Flattery really does get you everywhere. They will be putty in your hands in no time and will be buying you drinks and dragging you into their dressing room. RESULT!

4. Understand the concept that less is more.
Of course, this never extends to make up where less is never EVER more (the person who said that was clearly insane and deserves to be shot). So, get ya glad rags on, ponce off down to ya local Oxfam with your tuppenny bit and get your grimy hand on some top-notch clobber – leaving nothing to the imagination. However, if payday was 3 weeks ago and you are feeling a little tight may we suggest raiding the kitchen drawers and customising your own top out of cling film. Actually, thinking about it this could work. No doubt, we’ll be seeing this on the catwalk next season. Nice. However, bear in mind that great caution does need to be exercised here. Specifically, to the fact that less is more never stretches to the wearing of skirts, which is clearly criminal. Short skirts especially are out (and will never be in season), unless you want to go for the gypsified look which isn’t recommended. Afterall this is blag it up not slag it up. Point made. The less you wear the more chance you have of achieving top tip number 1 and flirting your way backstage.

5. Do your homework and get annoyed
Before leaving your house, find out the name of the manager of the venue you’re going to. When you tell the doorman that your on the guest list and they respond with the old "if your names not down, you ‘aint coming in" line, get annoyed and be completely outraged that your names not down. Get your mobile out and say your going to phone the manager, (this will be a good time to slip in the managers name). Say how he wont be happy with them not letting you in. The Doormen will be so worried about loosing their jobs they won’t worry about letting a couple more past them.

6. Be a rock star wife.
Arguably, the ultimate blagging it up ticket. Need we say anymore? Apart from the fact that severe reprimands will be taken up against anyone who dares to even think of becoming either Tim Wheeler’s, Roddy Woomble’s or Martyn Nelson’s rock star wives. These men are hOOchy* property and can only be touched by the hands of god or hOOchy*, (of course). We also quite like Freddie Ljunberg – (that extremely fit Swedish striker who plays for Arsenal) – he is also off bounds. Okay, so, he’s not a rock star, but exceptions can always be made. If you marry a footballer, it is a guaranteed, no questions asked, instant backstage pass. Anyway...these people are all off bounds. You have been warned.

7. Be with the band.
Hey, on second thoughts, forget that, you ARE in the band, remember? You’re the one who no one ever remembers, but who still has a very important role, right? You’re the percussionist, right? That’s why no one recognises you, right? And the reason why this security guard is giving you hassle, right? Sorted. Most security guards are over 50 and will have absolutely no idea who the band is anyway, let alone what they even look like. Top tip number 4 can also be applied here for added distraction and increased chances of access backstage.

8. Pretend to be famous
Pop down to your local Gucci shop (if your financially challenged, Top Shop will do), and turn yourself into this years biggest fashion victim, (note: the outfit must include a pair of dark glasses). Hire a limousine, (or a black cab if your feeling empty pocketed after your spending spree), and get it to drop you off outside the venue in full view of the doormen. Get out of the car whilst shouting loudly on your mobile phone about how you'll have to postpone your appearance on Parkinson due to a dinner date with Posh and Becks. Throw in a few hissy fits and over use of the word ‘Darling’ and swagger up to the front of the queue. Because of your diabolical dress sense, form of transport, and attitude problem, you will automatically be mistaken for a big A list celebrity and ushered backstage.

9. Name drop
Don't under any circumstances pretend to know someone who works at the venue, it doesn't work. Instead pretend to be a brother/sister/second cousin twice removed/friend of the cleaner, or just a long lost childhood pal of one of the band members. It probably won’t work either but you might as well give it a shot! Once again, tip number 4 may come in useful here.

10. Get pissed.
At the very least, it might make you a more interesting person. Hell, even Norman Wisdom may be on the verge of interesting after half a shandy (or should that be two pints of vodka?) Anyway... alcohol is great innit... and could spark off some very interesting and novel attempts at blagging. Incidentally, if under the influence of alcohol you do discover some good blagging tips let us know. Maybe you will teach that old dog (us!), some new tricks?