1: Dont take warm Clothes, you wont need them. Just kidnapp a band member to keep you warm. We suggest Frank Black, Huey Morgan or James Dean Bradfield as they are quite fat and should supply good insulation. Roddy Woomble could also do a good job if he is wearing his pink fluffy cardigan. Steer clear of Brian Molko, Twiggy (from Marilyn Mansons band - not the ex-model, although stay away from her aswell), or any member of King Adora, these people will not suffice. Unfortunately Tim Wheeler will not be avaliable as he has an appointment in our tent.
2: Golden Rule, Dont take your own food, it will only fill up valuable alcohol room in your car. Instead, buy undercooked burgers from a dodgy man in his burger van who charges an extra £1.50 for cheese. Bonus points will be awarded for any burgers bought inffected with CJD and also to anyone who can afford an ice-cream without having to take out a bank loan or mortgage their tent.
3: Drink excessive amounts of Alcohol. Be sure it is at the highest percentage and lowest possible price in order to miss all the bands you spent months looking forward to and for maximum throwing up potential.
4: Tents are an easy alternative to portaloos, especially if it is the tent belonging to the person who kicked you in the head while they were crowdsurfing earlier. Your own tent however, isnt, and nor is ours!
5: Have lots of piercings done. Remember not to clean them in order to enjoy the full affects of infection when pierced body part goes black and drops off.
6: Be sure not to drink sufficient water while crowdsurding or moshing. This will ensure that you faint and are taken backstage where you can then run away and attack a band member of your choice.
7: No backstage pass? A failed attempt at tip number 6? Gain instant backstage access by imitating a rock star. We think Eminem could be the best choice here. Invest in a pair of Blue Dungarees, don a white mask, carry a chainsaw and hey presto, access all areas. However, this access may also be gained just by carrying a chainsaw around with you by itself, we doubt that any imitation will be necessary!
8: Leave all valuables in your tent, its better than being mugged.
9: Go to the front of the mosh-pit. This will ensure your best chances of getting crushed to death. Try not to be a really pretty girl or you will be noticed by security and crushing will be a failure.
10: If it is sunny do not under any circumstances wear suntan loation as this will only prevent the development of a dodgy tan, the lobster look and the inability to mosh.
HAPPY CAMPING!!
