Okay, before we get arrested, we should probably start off by making one thing clear. We don’t go in for the whole telephone harassment or general threatening of the stalking target. They are such cliché’s and just soooooo last century Dahling!! We are just talking about a little bit of innocent following around. Nobody gets hurt. Nobody dies. Nobody gets scared and it’s all very innocent. Get it? Got it? Good.

Now, if you’re sitting comfortably we’ll begin our top tips for successful stalking.

* Quit you job.
If you wanna be a pro then you gotta do this full time. This ain’t no hobby. You don’t need money. If you have a house – sell it. If you have a car – sell that. If you have neither, pimp your bitches!

* Lower your Standards.
Specifically this means facing up to the fact that you are not alone. No, we’re not talking about aliens here, but the fact that the person that you have set your sights on for top stalking action may already have a stalker. After all, these are hard times for stalkers. Especially due to the surge of media interest in ‘celebs’ these days. I mean how many glossy mags do you need solely dedicated to the latest goss on celebrities. Everybody wants a piece of the action. This being so we suggest you pick the saddest loneliest person around for stalking. Not only will they benefit in feeling like they are loved and have gained a friend, but you will also benefit. I mean there really is no better way to hone your stalking skills. We all have to start somewhere after all.

* Practice makes perfect
Practice playing hide and seek. Small children are usually very obliging to play such games. Not only will this help you to hunt people down, (useful when you have lost your stalking target in a crowd), but it will also give you excellent hiding skills - essential for the next tip. You may even be pick up some useful hiding tips from the small child.

* Have a hiding place.
Anyone can follow someone around all day, but not many can remain unseen. Once you have been seen once, you are more likely to be recognised the next time. Therefore, a hiding place is essential. As soon as you enter a room, or a shop, you must scout around for a suitable hiding place. A hiding place can always be found no matter where you are. For instance, you could hide under a rug, you could cling to the underneath of a large dog or cat or maybe even a passing car, or you could simply strap a dead duck to your head and hide in a lake. Whatever is easiest. Alternatively...

* Become invisible.
This always comes in handy. All you need to do is befriend Paul Daniels (or another d-list celeb magician who has fallen on hard times) and suggest that this would be good PR for them. They should be able to put a spell on you in no time. If Paul Daniels is unavailable may we suggest contacting top pop star Sonique. She will be able to put a spell on you ‘cause you’re mine’...and she ain’t lying sugar!... Everyone’s a winner. If this and the previous tip are too difficult to maste, simply...

* Be inconspicuous
Dress up. Disguise is the key to anonymity. We don’t think the usual brown mackintosh, hat and dark glasses is the right look to go for here. For starters brown is so out, secondly, you want to remain inconspicuous here, and a brown mackintosh isn’t the best way to go about that. We suggest you dress up as something out of the ordinary. Something to blend in with your surroundings. Ideally, a tree, or a strip of wallpaper. Alternatively, dress up as your stalking targets pet. Not only will this get you closer to your target and inside of their homes, but you also get to enjoy hours of being petted by them.

* Be the last person anyone will suspect
If you have been unsuccessful at remaining inconspicuous, hidden, or invisible, then the chances that your stalking target has twigged that they are being followed are quite high. Therefore, to avoid arrest you must now resort to Plan B. Dress up as a monster. When a well known stalking website was asked how someone can recognise a stalker, they said "Recognizing someone as a stalker is quite impossible. They do not look like monsters..." Therefore, dressing up a monster will instantly throw people off the track, they'll instantly asume you cannot possible be a stalker as you infact DO look like a monster. Cunning!

* S..Talking Heads!
Or as Bob would say ‘two heads are better than one!’ Specifically this means pairing up with a buddy who is at least as sad and pathetic as you. This way you can share stalking duties, i.e. take turns to stalk (thus reduce your chances of being viewed as a potential stalker) plus have someone acting as a look out in case you may stumble into any trouble.

* Change your clothes regularly
If you are going to be following someone around all day and have been unsuccessful at mastering the art of hiding, you must continue to remain ‘hidden’ by appearing to be a different person. If you wear the same outfit all day and are useless at not being noticed, then your stalking target is going to start to recognise you. Therefore, you must regularly change your outfit. This will mean investing in a lightweight suitcase, (wheels optional but highly recommended). You will find various suitable suitcases in the new edition of the Argos catalogue. This small investment will make the carrying of multiple outfits easier. Alternatively, tune into This Morning or LK Today where they regularly show you how to get many different looks from just the one outfit - bargain!

* Be A Psycho.
Develop some type of personality disorder where you believe that your stalker actually enjoys being stalked by you. To make this more affective you must believe that they are actually in some type of romantic relationship with you. This way you will have purpose in your stalking (it won’t be stalking after all) so you will be able to justify your actions. Always good at maintaining a high level of self-esteem, which could otherwise be lacking.

* Make them easy to track down
To remain in constant contact with thet stalking target, ‘accidentally’ bump into them. At the same time, slip a piece of metal into their pocket. Then, get your hands on a metal detector, switch it on, and wait for the bleeps. The metal detector will pick up the metal in your targets pocket and hey presto, you will have created your very own instant tracking device.