Beginnings

"It" being a CD that Carmen had made for her on their 5-year anniversary of all "their" songs.

She started the car then, pulling away from the funeral home; and she began driving past all their old haunts, driving past all their memories, the lyrics flooding her mind with them, stopping alongside the road during the times when she could't see through her tears.

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"Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed. Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed. Some say love, it is a hunger -- an endless, aching need. I say love, it is a flower; and, you, it's only seed."

She remembered singing those words to him, in her, rich alto voice, as she walked down the aisle to become his wife, tears welled in her eyes, holding firm, refusing to fall.

As she recalled that, she could smell the air of the garden, full of roses, gardenias, and delphiniums. She could see the gazebo, trimmed with the flowers, hanging on eucalyptus swags. Her breath caught in her throat as she remembered that first sight of Carmen, standing there with the rest of the bridal party and the priest, looking more handsome than she had even seen him and how her eyes filled with tears as she sang, at the honor and pride she felt at that moment of knowing that she was to become his for the rest of their lives.

"Till death do us part," she whispered, once again being overcome, her heart thick with grief. She thought that, even though that is part of the vows, does anyone really think of the true measure of those words? If they did, would they still go through with the ceremony? Or would they decide that pain on that magnitude is too much to bear, losing your spouse to death, which is always untimely? Even losing her Carmen, she resolutely decided that every ounce of this heartache was worth the time that they spent together; and, even if she knew then how it would end, she would've changed not a single thing. Not one single memory would she trade or give up because a mere moment with him was a thousand times better than a lifetime without him.

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"I'm pregnant."

They'd been married for a little over two years when she'd said those words to him, casually, as they washed the dinner dishes together. She laughed through her tears as she remembered how he'd dropped the plate he was drying, hearing it explode against the tile floor.

"You're ... what? What did you just say." Carmen asked, his eyes wide.

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, she turned to him, beaming, glowing, "I'm pregnant." she said, matter-of-factly.

He let out a whoop of excitement, taking her in his arms, spinning her around, her wet hands spraying drops of water everywhere, before he quickly put her down, overly concerned about what he'd done and if it was "good for the baby", in that movie version portrayal of a happy expectant father.

Laughing, she took his face in her hands, her eyes smiling at him, "Of course it's good for the baby, silly. Spin me around all you want."

"Will we still be able to ... um ... you know?"

"Yes, we will." she responded with a grin.

"I, uh, I, um, can we ... um, now?"

As she nodded her head, he swept her up in his arms, kissing her soundly before carrying her off to their bedroom where he made sweet love to her for well into the night.

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"Is that what I think it is?" he asked Dr. Morgan, her ob/gyn, at one of her routine pre-natal appointments.

"Yes, it is, Carmen. That's your baby's heartbeat. You've got a strong baby in there Siobhan."

Tears filled their eyes as they heard that steady, rapid thump-thump-thump-thump-thump of their unborn child's heart.

"Everything looks normal and you're right in range with your weight gain and development. Just keep doing what you're doing and we'll schedule the ultrasound for two months from now." Dr. Morgan continued.

"Ultrasound?" Carmen asked, not quite sure of what that was.

"Honey," Siobhan began to explain, having had an ultrasound with Fiona "an ultrasound will let us 'see' the baby."

"What do you mean 'see'?"

"Just that. It's a procedure where we'll see a picture of the baby on a monitor."

"Does it hurt? It won't hurt the baby, will it?" He always showed so much concern for her and the baby. It was so sweet to see, every time he did it. Although, there were a few times that it drove her crazy. The man even gave her a hard time about bending over to tie her own shoes; but, she knew his reaction was because he loved this baby so much that he couldn't help it, so she indulged him.

"No, sweetie. Neither one of us will be hurt. Dr. Morgan will put some really really cold gel on my stomach and run this scanner looking thing across the gel, bouncing these sound wave kinda things off of the baby, which are converted into an image on the monitor."

"Close enough." Dr. Morgan chuckled. "You'll even get to take a picture home with you, Carmen."

"Really?" he asked, his eyes wide in amazement and Siobhan and the doctor just laughed at his exhuberance.

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"Honey." Siobhan gritted, shaking Carmen as he slept. "Honey!"

"Hmmm? Wha-? he mumbled, half-asleep.

Trapped in the grips of another contraction, Siobhan could only moan in response, which ripped Carmen of all lingering sleep, and he jumped up onto his knees, completely naked - they both were as that's how they always slept. "Oh my God Von! What's going on?!"

"I'm in labor, that's what's going on!" she spat at him, the pain making her completely impatient with him.

"But, you can't be in labor yet. You're not due for another two months!" he exclaimed, his voice rising to near-panic. "I know that ... Honey!" she replied forecefully, the contraction not abating, scaring her. She felt that something was terribly wrong, KNEW that something was terribly wrong. She'd never experienced this kind of pain with Fiona and, her woman's instinct told her that she needed to get to the hospital ... now.

The moment a tear touched her cheek, Carmen sprang into action, calling 9-1-1 as he dressed, talking to the operator, yelling for them to send an abulance quickly as he eased her into a maternity dress. She swatted his hand away as he tried to put a bra and panties on her, as she knew that they'd be the first things removed in delivery; and, as such, there was no need for them.

He climbed into the back of the ambulance with her, holding her hand, willing his strength into her as she fought against the contractions, trying to remember her breathing exercises, which did almost nothing to stop the contractions.

Her water broke on the way to the hospital and she knew, in that moment, that this baby was coming out and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. She silently prayed that they'd make it to the hospital in time, so that they'd have every medical option available to them. She cried in earnest then, praying that their baby would be all right and she began to silently barter with God, begging Him to answer her prayers ...

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She'd pulled over to the side of the road then, once again allowing her tears to wash over her.

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... they made it to the hospital in the nick of time and she was wheeled directly to the delivery room, caught in the throes of the "pushing" stage of labor.

Carmen was thrown into a gown and mask, never leaving her side, encouraging her to push at the doctor's direction. Dr. Morgan was barely in his own gown and gloves as he quickly maneuvered himself between her legs, using his fingers to widen her to deliver as there was no time for an episiotomy.

She groaned and cried as she pushed, feeling her strength leaving her with every push, the contractions coming one on top of the other. She tried to remain calm as she saw the neo-natal unit enter the room, standing ready to take care of their baby the second he or she was born. She began to sob as the pain ripped through her; and, she could feel the baby's head in the birth canal. Almost delirious, she nearly broke Carmen's hand - one of the many things she would feel guilty for later - and he became her rock, snapping her out of her panic, her fear, demanding that she pull it together. It was the best thing he could've done for that barked command dried her tears and the fear on her face was replaced with sheer determination.

Siobhan gave one final, seemingly never-ending push, as she felt the baby leave her womb. Dr. Morgan quickly cut her cord, passing the baby off to the neo-natal unit, huddled around their child in the corner of the room.

She looked at Carmen, her eyes widening in alarm, his not yet registering what she'd already realized.

With a cry she choked on as the words left her lips, she called out to the doctors and nurses ...

"Why isn't the baby crying?"

It was in that moment that she realized that God was only answering one of her prayers ... and Carmen James Carvalho, Jr. was buried in a quiet ceremony three days later.

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