Road Doc
Chapter 39
Kevin slept in the car as Beth drove. Beth carefully followed the directions she had
scribbled down on a piece of hotel stationary and didn’t bother waking him until they arrived at their destination.
“Kevin” she said, nudging him in the side. “Wake up”
Kevin shifted in his seat a bit and then went back to sleep. Beth got out of the car and went around to the passenger side. She opened the door, unfastened Kevin’s seat belt and pulled him out. He fell to the ground, startled.
“What the fuck?” he said, standing up and brushing the gravel dust from his pants. “Beth, this is...”
Kevin stopped speaking when he realized where he was. He looked around, looked at Beth and looked around again.
“Why are we here?” he said, his voice a mere whisper.
“Like I said earlier, you need to snap out of this bullshit habit of yours” Beth snapped.
“No” he said, trying to open the car door.
“Yes” she said, slamming the door shut and taking him by the arm. “Come on.”
They walked across a grassy area towards a large ancient oak tree. Kevin had tears in his eyes before they even got to the small grave marker that laid beneath the tree.
“Dad” he whispered.
“Tell him, Kevin” Beth said quietly. “Tell him what you’ve been doing.”
Kevin spun around and glared at Beth.
“Tell him. You deny you have a problem to everyone around you. I want to hear you deny it to him.” Beth said, pointing at Kevin’s father’s grave. “Tell him.”
“This is insane” Kevin barked. “Let’s go”
“No!” Beth shouted. “Tell him, Kevin. Tell him about the pain killers. Tell him! Tell
your father that you’re addicted to pain killers. Tell him!”
Kevin turned back around and stared at the ground, silently reading the tombstone to himself.
“Tell him” Beth said, no longer shouting. “Tell him that you’ve stooped as low as to steal medicine from a friend just so you could numb yourself. Tell your father that”
Kevin fell to his knees.
“Tell him.” Beth said, speaking softly. “Tell him that your doing other drugs too. Tell your father that you’re smoking opium and who knows what else. Tell your father that”
Kevin sat back on his heels, put his head in his hands and began to cry.
“Tell him.” Beth said, leaning down to whisper to him. “Tell him that if you keep this up you know you'll die. Tell him.”
Beth stood up and walked back to the car. Kevin knelt on the emerald grass and sobbed. Beth got in the car and closed the door, watching as Kevin cried.
“Daddy” Kevin said, his breathing jagged. “Daddy, look at me”
Kevin looked to the sky, to the billowy white clouds that floated silently by. A lone hawk soared above him and called out, his cry echoing.
“You must be so disappointed in me” Kevin said softly. “All I ever wanted was to make you proud. And now look at me.”
Kevin shook his head.
“All you ever taught me was how to be a good, strong man. Now look at me.” Kevin fell to sit on the grass, his legs crossed before him.
“I’m the exact opposite of what you showed me. I’ve...I have stolen and lied, I’ve turned my friends against me. Look at me. Look at me.”
Kevin sat crying for a long while, letting out every ounce of frustration and pain he’d ever felt, letting them fall to the ground and away from him in his tears.
“I’m scared” he whispered. “This is bigger than me. I thought I could handle anything, the fame and everything that goes with it, but I can’t. I can’t do this alone. I just want it to end. I keep hoping I'll go to sleep and not wake up”
He looked again to the sky.
“Why can’t you be here? I could get through this if you were here. No one is as strong as you were...no one.”
Kevin looked back to the car where Beth was sitting waiting for him.
“Beth” he said to himself. “Dad, I love her. I really do. She’s a good, strong
woman....just like you were a good, strong....”
Kevin’s words trailed off as he realized that the answers to his problems were sitting not fifty feet from him.
“If I can’t have you” he said, brushing the dust off of his father’s headstone. “If you can’t be here for me...she can.”
Kevin got to his knees and began to pray.
“God, I know you’re listening. My daddy always said if I ever doubted that there was a God, I should come here....to this wide open place....that I could find you in the trees and the grass and in the way the wind makes the leaves dance. I’ve turned my back on you lately. I hope you can forgive me for that. I need you now more than ever. I can’t go on like this...I don’t think I want to. No. I know I don’t want to. I'm tired of being numb all of the time. I miss feeling alive. God, please help me”
Kevin got up slowly and stared down at his father’s grave. Waiting for him in the car was his angel, sent to him by God to help him find his way back to what he once was, to what he always wanted to be.
“Dad, as much as I miss you, I’m not ready to be with you again...not yet”
40