by Lori

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can; and, the Wisdom to know the difference ..."

"Wow." he thought to himself, humbly, "I've only had to call upon the Serenity Prayer four times today." With one of his trademark smirks, he added, "So far."

It was less than an hour until "THE show." The first show that he'd be performing in after getting out of rehab.

"Rehab." he whispered, almost inaudibly, and he allowed his mind to drift back over the past 30+ days and all that he'd gone through, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

He remembered the moment where he looked his bandmates in the eyes and told them that he needed help, that this demon was too much for him to continue to bear on his own, and tears momentarily filled his eyes. He quickly ran the back of his hand across his tear-stained cheeks, collecting himself. His love for Nick, Brian, Howie and Kevin had been strong before. Throughout the last month, his love for them had grown one-hundred-fold, touched and honored by their unwavering support for him in his struggle.

His mind wandered through stepping on the plane, stepping off the plane, the ride there.

A lone tear graced his cheek and his body involuntarily shook as he remembered lifting the pen and signing his name to the admission forms, remembering the desperation that he felt.

It seemed like yesterday. "Hell" he thought, "it practically was."

As each day passed at his rehabilitation center, he could feel himself growing stronger and stronger by the second. He'd never really known just how much he was loved until then. It was ironic. The one thing that he'd feared the most, the fear of not being loved for himself but only for his name or his bank account or his fame, was something he didn't have to fear at all. He'd had it all wrong. It was there, in rehab, that he SAW how much he was loved. His mother sent him messages daily about all the cards, gifts, and support campaigns that the fans were sending or participating in. It was there that he learned that, to see that love, all he had to do was truly open his eyes.

It was there that he learned the most important love of all -- the love of oneself, something he'd never really taken the time to do before.

A sense of strong pride filled him as he remembered signing OUT of rehab, 200% stronger, in mind, body and spirit. Sure, at the beginning, his body craved alcohol and he had some terrible withdrawl symptoms. There were nights where he would scream himself to sleep from the "shakes" and the feeling that a million bugs were crawling up his arms and legs.

He knew each day, for the rest of his life, would be a struggle; but, he had a strong support team in place and a wonderful sponsor, who's phone number he had everywhere -- just in case.

After leaving rehab, there were the countless interviews all asking the same questions: "How are you feeling? Have you been tempted to drink? How are you dealing with all the pressure? How do you feel about this and how do you feel about that?" At one point, he thought of asking the reporter du jour if every one of them had the same cue cards to read off of -- but he didn't think they'd appreciate that too much.

He couldn't believe how much he'd forgotten in the month that he was gone: the dance steps, the arrangements. Without the alcohol and cigarettes, his voice was completely different. He'd managed to keep himself in good physical shape the last couple weeks and he was glad for it. The practices were intense and LONG.

He knew that every eye would be on him tonight and that he, specifically, would be on every news station and radio station - in some form or another - tonight, with recaps and critques coming right after the show well into tomorrow and the day after. With a sigh, he ran his hands through his hair and looked at himself hard in the men's room mirror. He smiled as he realized that he liked what he saw.

A quiet knock at the door broke his reverie. "Yeah?"

"AJ. It's showtime man. You ready?" Howie asked, barely sticking his head in the door.

"Yeah D, I am. I really am."

**********************************************

The fans were in a frenzy. They all knew the significance of this show and they were hyped. People came from all over the world, packing the arena with an intensity that was ready to explode. The streets outside the arena were crammed with fans -- not to buy tickets; but, to simply say that they were there to support him on his triumphant return to the stage. They didn't even care that they wouldn't get to see it firsthand. The promoters had managed to put up monstrous screens outside the arena so that no one would miss "the moment."

Backstage, the five of them held hands in a tight circle, once again saying the Serenity Prayer before going into their normal before-show prayers. They were all feeling the energy and the emotion of this night and tears flowed freely among them, running unchecked.

They'd decided on a different beginning to the show where each one would quietly walk onto a blackened stage, taking their mark; and, as they did so, being illuminated by a spotlight. It was agreed that AJ would enter last, taking center-stage, with the others flanking him, two on each side.

The crowd was at a fever pitch as the lights finally went down and they knew the moment they'd been waiting for was near. When no music started, a silence slowly enveloped the arena as they knew they were in for something truly memorable.

Kevin was the first to take the stage, making his way to the far right of the stage, the crowd cheering as his spotlight came on.

The crowd grew silent, waiting to see who was next.

Nick was next, at far left, the crowds cheering a little bit louder, the excitement building.

Again, silence.

Howie took his place next to Kevin, some fans near-hysterics, one more to go.

The sounds of cheers were being slowly replaced with sobs as more and more of the fans were overcome with emotion ...

... and Brian is illuminated to the right of Nick.

The fans noticed that center stage was empty -- their cheers and sobs almost deafening.

All the spot lights went off and, with a deep breath, AJ ascended the few steps to stage level. Slowly, he made his way to center stage with the worst case of stage fright he'd ever experienced. His stomach was in knots at all the conflicting emotions coursing through him. He was so lost in himself that he didn't notice, at first, that the crowd was deathly silent. He would not have been surprised if he actually heard a pin drop. He almost laughed at the thought that this was the first time in a long time that he could actually HEAR his own footsteps across the stage.

He took his place at center stage and, as a teaser, the spotlights flashed from Nick, to Howie, to Brian, to Kevin ... to AJ. He lifted his head, looking out at the crowd and heard ...

... nothing.

Then, slowly, one-by-one, the fans began to clap, their tears running unchecked. The claps grew louder and louder and then the cheering began, which soon turned to screaming.

The house lights were turned on and AJ looked around the arena, every person on their feet, screaming his name, screaming "I love you", screaming "You did it AJ!". He saw the signs, not a one referencing any other member of the group but him, every single one of them expressing their love and support for him. One in particular caught his eye "We're proud of you AJ!" and he could hold his composure no longer. He openly wept and, turning from side-to-side at the fellas, he could see that they were opening weeping and when he really looked out at the audience he could see that THEY were openly weeping ... for him.

Collecting himself and with a nod of his head and a determination that took even him by surprise, he broke into the first bars of the opening song "Everyone", the crowd losing its collective mind ...

... The Bonedaddy was back.