“Indy, where the hell are you? I’ve been worried sick” Shae said over the phone.
“Why didn’t you tell me he’s married?” I asked again, trying to suppress the anger building inside me.
“I didn’t know, India. I swear to you I didn’t know. Where are you? I’ve been trying to find you for a week.”
I sighed deeply, tears burning down my cheeks.
“I’ve been with Gretchen and her husband. I’m leaving tomorrow though and I don’t know when I’ll be back” I said.
“Indy, girl, he’s...”
“I’ll contact you when I’m settled. I just need to get away from here for awhile” I said, interrupting her.
“Where are you going? Indy, he’s been trying to find you.” she said.
“I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is that I have to go somewhere that won’t remind me of him.”
“If you could see how upset he...”
“No. Just stop. I don’t want to hear anything about him.” I said, cutting her off.
“He wants to explain”
“I’ll call you when I’m settled in. Probably in a few days”
“He...”
“Goodbye, Shae”
***
The moment I placed my feet on the ground in Panaji, I felt my spirit shift, my mind settle and my heartbeat slow. When I was in America, it was my home. But no matter how much of a home it was, there was no part of my mother there, and I needed my mother now more than ever before, even if it were only in spirit.
It was fitting that I arrived during the beginning of Deepavali, a four day celebration filled with brightly colored new clothes, divine feasts, the decorating of homes with colorful lights and the setting off of many fireworks. All of the illumination and fireworks, joy and festivity signifying the victory of divine forces over those of wickedness.
I settled in to an inexpensive hotel and unpacked the few belongings I had brought along. The only clothes I had brought were the ones I was wearing. I wanted to immerse myself in the culture that was my mother’s. I wanted to dress like she had dressed, walk the same streets she had walked. I wanted to feel her around me, let her comfort me, let her spirit guide me. And feel her, I did.
The days passed more quickly than I realized and I had been in India nearly two weeks, finding myself thinking of Kevin less and less. I felt as if my soul was finally at peace, and I was becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that I should make Panaji my permanent home.
On a quiet Saturday afternoon I walked the streets, enjoying the smells emanating from the modest homes, allowing the heat to wrap itself around me. Wrapped in a pale turquoise sari with a brightly colored scarf covering my head, I walked until my feet were aching and my stomach was loudly protesting the fact that I had not eaten all day. I made my way back to my hotel, looking forward to a cool bath and a hot meal. As I passed through the doors I glanced around the small lobby and caught glimpse of a tall man at the desk, his back towards me, apparently checking into the hotel. He was dressed in shorts and a white T-shirt, a royal blue cap on his head, several small bags at his feet. My heart skipped a beat. Thick, short black hair peeked out from beneath the cap.
I walked quietly to stand behind a large palm plant near the elevators and pulled the corner of my scarf up to cover my face. I watched as signed a few papers, picked up his bags and turned towards me. My face and chest became hot, my heart began to pound. He walked a few feet, his head down so that the brim of his cap hid his face. A cold sweat broke out on my brow. He stopped for a moment, put down his bags and looked at the key that the clerk at the desk had given him. I swallowed hard, pressing the soft silk of my scarf to my mouth. He looked up and around the lobby, and I could finally see his face. My head began to pound. He looked towards the hall that lead to the elevators where I was standing. Everything around me began to spin. He picked up his bags and began to walk towards me. Everything went black.