It was the hottest day of the year when he proposed. We had been walking through the park, teasing one another by threatening to throw the other into the shallows of one of the beautiful fountains. He was much stronger than I, of course, so when I attempted to half lift, half push him in he easily overpowered me and we both lost our balance, falling with a large splash into the cool water. Laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face, I stood and began to wring the water from my shirt. He stayed in the water, moving to kneel on one knee and asked if I would be his wife. Overwhelmed by surprise and overrun by love, I agreed, the thought that he was still married never entering my mind until much later.
By November I had a ring on my finger, an engagement ring. I tried not to think of the fact that he was still married, as again, I wanted to believe that everything would come together. He loved me, he told me daily, and I believed him. That was all that mattered in my mind. The ring, a beautiful breath taking emerald in an antique setting was his promise of our future and he had given it to me the night before they embarked on an eleven month tour.
One week after he left on a journey to entertain the world, I awoke and immediately sensed something was different. I padded to the window and peered out, smiling as my eyes befell the season’s first heavy snow. Again, as it had a year before, my thoughts drifted to memories that a thick blanket of snow so often did. This time, however, it was the memory of the first time that Kevin and I had made love, a year earlier on the night of the first snow of the season.
It was that same morning that I sensed another change. A slight heaviness in my lower belly, a tingling in my breasts and the slow turning of my stomach caught me by surprise. Later that afternoon in the tiny bathroom of my tiny shop I held in my hand a positive home pregnancy test.
Having to tell Kevin over the phone was not what I had often daydreamed about. I had imagined surprising him with a ‘#1 Dad” T-shirt or some other silly thing. I wasn’t able to see the surprise on his face, nor hold him tight as I gave him the news. He cried, tears of joy he said, and we began making plans for not only our future, but the future of our child.
The months went by fairly quickly. Kevin’s tour kept him overseas for the greatest part of my pregnancy. We spoke on the phone every other day though, and sometimes I would lay the phone on my belly. I could faintly hear him talking to our unborn child, but I never was able to understand the softly spoken words. Each week I would wrap a length of ribbon around my ever growing belly to measure it and then sent the ribbon overnight to where ever in the world he was.
In the spring the tour found its way home to the US only three weeks before I was due to give birth. We were both nervous, anxious, excited. As luck would have it, the first signs of labor came on the eve of a three day break for them and I phoned him immediately. I could sense the tension in his voice and I begged him to hurry to New York.
Kevin arrived with less than an hour to spare and was by my side as I pushed the new life from my womb. Exhausted, I laid back and watched as a nurse handed the tiny bundle of our child to him. He sat down on a small loveseat in my room, his movements slow and careful. He stared down at the tiny baby, leaned down to nuzzle her face and began to quietly sob. I remember the nurse saying something to me about a shot to help with my pain as I watched him cradling our daughter in his arms. Moments later she left the room, having medicated me, and I felt my body begin to go slightly numb. No sooner had the door closed than it opened again and through heavy lids I saw Kristin walk into the room.
“Look at this” she said, looking over to Kevin. Kevin raised his eyes and then turned his attention back to the baby in his arms.
“Let me see” she said, taking the baby from him.
Kevin stared out the window as Kristin held the baby. My mind was going numb, from exhaustion and the pain medication. I wanted to speak but no words would come. I tried with all my might to will Kevin to look at me, but he sat, staring blankly out the window.
“Aren’t you a pretty little thing” Kristin cooed. “Look at all that black hair”
She moved to sit next to Kevin “Kevin, look at these tiny little fingers. I bet she'll play piano.”
In my mind I was screaming, threatening her with her life if she didn’t take her hands off of my child and just leave Kevin and I alone.
“Kevin” she said, turning to face him. “Take her”
Kevin carefully took his daughter from Kristin’s arms, tears streaming down his face. He pressed his cheek to hers and whispered something into her ear before pulling back and placing a soft kiss on her tiny head.
“Now..." Kristin said, her voice void of any emotion. "...tell her goodbye”
***
Staring down at the innocent eyes of my daughter, I realized that fate had given me everything I had ever wanted. I had asked for true love and had been given it. I had always wanted to know my mother, to know her emotions, to know how she lived, loved and hurt. Fate had given me that as well. I knew now the glories of true love, the heartbreak of forbidden love, the pain of letting love go. Fate had handed me a cruel hand when Kevin came into my life, but looking at the new life that had become of it, I knew in my heart that Fate was on my side.
Kristin had finally convinced Kevin that anything less than remaining married to her until his career slowed would be suicide to his and the groups popularity. In my heart I knew that he loved me, but the fame and the life that it brought was what won in the end. I never blamed him, for I knew that he would always love me, that our spirits would forever be connected, no matter the distance between us.
Like a spider who spends her life weaving in hopes of nourishing her body, Kevin wove a web in hopes of nourishing his soul. And in the end, like the spider leaves behind only a broken web, he left behind a broken heart.
THE END