Joke 81: The Blonde & the coffee maker

When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked,how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.  "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Joke 82: The Redhead in the restaurant

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.  Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.  "Let me buy your dinner to make it upto you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.The guy is  amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every  guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "
"But you just happened to catch my eye. "

Joke 83: The Biology Instructor

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson. "Two, you have a dirty mind. "And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Joke 84: A wife goes to see a therapist

Joke 85: Tired of a listless sex life

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Joke 86: The price of Surgery

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

Joke 87: Wedding Anniversary

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Joke 88: God Almighty

Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?" When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good."

Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace. The Nun said, "Very good."

Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

Joke 89: The Genie and the Greenfinch

Early one morning, while clearing out his loft a Man found a green bottle and when he pulled the cork, out popped a Genie. So overjoyed by his release from the bottle the Genie granted the Man the wish that he could take on the appearance of anything he wanted.

There was a beautiful young lady who lived in the flat opposite the Man's apartment and she often paraded about wearing only scanty underwear, so he decided to take on the appearance of a little bird and opted for a "Greenfinch." He flew across to her apartment and settled on the window
sill, his little heart fluttering (bless him!) as he eagerly awaited her appearance.

His heart beat faster than ever when she suddenly entered the room. She was wearing a flimsy nightdress and was truly beautiful, with long blonde hair tumbling down to her shoulders. His green feathers fluffed up as she walked over to the window and, standing right in front of him, with one swift movement, she pulled the nightdress up and over her head:

And that's when the cat got him!

Joke 90: My husbands stomach

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?"

"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"

Joke 91: Closer to God

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been pissing in the refrigerator!"

Joke 92: Huge Big Guy

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said Turn Around"

Joke 93: 3 youths and a farmer

3 youths were out apple scrumping one day when a farmer caught them.

He said he'd let them all off if the combined lengths of their penises exceeded 10 inches.

They were each measured in turn and quite satisfied the farmer agreed to let them go.

A while later on their way home the first youth said "Lucky my penis was 5 inches."

The second youth then said "Lucky my penis was 5 inches"

to which the third youth replied "Lucky my penis was hard".

Joke 94: Failed attempt at sex

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks, " the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

Joke 95: Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Joke 96: Little Red Riding Hood

Little red riding hood was out one day picking flowers in the wood when she heard a rustling sound nearby.

"Who's there" she cried, and the wolf scampered away.

Some yards up the path she heard the same sound again.

"Who's there" she cried, and the wolf scampered away.

She carried on her way and once more she heard the same sound.

"Who's there" and the wolf said "Can't you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit"!

Joke 97: The Smart Bitch

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, " I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Joke 98: A German, an American, and a Mexican

There was a German, an American, and a Mexican.
They were walking in the woods.
Suddenly a herd of buffalo came at them.
They ran and ran until they saw a shack and went in it.
2 days later the buffalo left.
The men got out of the shack only to find layers of shit everywhere!
They were forced to jump in because there was no way out.
The German took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my waist."
The American took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my knees."
Then the Mexican took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my ankles."
The American asked, "How did you do that."
The Mexican replied in a muffled voice, "I jumped in head first."

Joke 99: 8 boys called Tom

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said 'Tom'. 'Right', he said, 'what about that blonde one over there?' 'Tom', she said. 'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?' 'Tom', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?' 'Tom', she said. 'Are all your boys called Tom?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Tom, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Tom, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

Joke 100: Sex on a waterbed

Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.