EXCERPT FROM Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Southern Edition (DSM-IV), underground publication by Southern Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and Therapists practicing below the Mason Dixon Line and shared by copy machine and email only.
TEXAS CHEERLEADER MOTHER DISORDER WITH PSYCHOTIC FEATURES
Diagnostic Criteria
A. Depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, after offspring loses a pageant, misses a handspring, appears in public with hair unwashed or has mascara running down face; or, after encountering another parent with a child who is prettier than her own
B. Obsession with entering and supporting offspring participation in beauty pageants, cheerleading competitions, drill teams, and/or swing choirs with the intention of winning, dominating, smashing, beating, and/or obliterating the competition
C. Presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following:
1. obsessive reading of cheerleading competition results in newspaper
2. participation in more than two list servs simultaneously
3. unending reminders to offspring about sitting up straight, smiling and being pleasant
4. doesn't remember she has a husband or any other adult relationships
5. delusional insistence that she was really born a blond. No, really!
6. homicidal ideation
7. multiple subscriptions to Cheerleading Today! Magazine as an adult
8. obsession with the dress, shoes, and hairstyles of others
9. lived ten or more years in Texas
10. history of pageant participation in childhood
11. history of collecting souvenirs or trophies of enemies, competitors, and conquests
D. During the 2-year period of the disturbance, the person has never been without the symptoms in Criteria A, B and C for more than 2 months at a time.
E. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Associated Features
" Sleep Dysfunction
* Continued Rumination
* Hyperactivity
* Excessive Nail Length and Unrealistic Color Choice
* Odd/Eccentric/Suspicious Personality
* Dramatic/Erratic/Antisocial Personality
* Excessive attention to Hair or Drawing Excessive Attention to Hair
* Owns no shoes with a heel less than 2 inch
* Ability to switch at will between charm and evil
Treatment Options
None known at this time
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