5/10/04 | |
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Well i went over a month with no update. If you see me in the halls you have my permission to sucker punch me if you feel so inclined. Make sure you explain this is the reason why though; otherwise i might systematically dismember you.
Life recently has been somewhat disappointing. Not bad, mind you, just a bit disappointing. For the past month and a half or so i've had a decreasing sense of direction, as if to say i don't know what to do with myself. I'm not getting distant from my friends and they aren't getting distant from me, but my relationships with all of them seem to be changing drastically, and so far, i don't see any of those changes as being improvements. I feel like i'm questioning the fact that my good friends have always been pretty straight-shooters. I don't worry about it too much though Because if there ever was something to cover up, most of them would probably do a piss-poor job of it anyways. Why do i have all these trust issues now? It's so unlike me. Things like that have been bothering me a lot and it's been changing who i am. I don't like who i've become due to that change. However, rather than try to get back to who i was, i'd much rather keep changing until i become something better. I have a lot more control over what goes on than i think i let myself realize, and it's a really sad excuse to say i couldn't help what's been happening recently. This all sounds pretty bad, who wants to listen to a wet rag talk anyways? Like i said before, life isn't bad. It's actually pretty great. I like to think by the time school lets out i'm going to have experienced a drastic turnaround and i'll have a new goal to work towards again. Maybe i was motivated by all the wrong things to begin with. I want somebody to talk to. And i mean really talk to. Not just anybody either. I had someone, but as of now, they don't want to talk back. And i never had the heart to spill my guts to somebody who wouldn't spill theirs to me. As you can see from the mood pic, i have successfully completed my Sith training and am now a full fledged Sith Lord. I have taken on the identity of Darth Vineious and it is my dream to, one day soon bring together all that is good in Cumming GA so that i and the other lords of the Dark Side of the Force may hack them to pieces. Not like there's a whole lot of either side in Cumming GA. Hell there isn't much of anything.
Bringing me to another point: I WANT OUT OF THIS GOD-FORSAKEN TOWN. I've often found that meeting fresh faces is a great way to change for the better. Problem is, i'm running out of fresh faces here. And while there are plenty of different people around here, i can't help but think it's really such a small and insignificant group of people on a whole when compared to the rest of the world. There has to be people who are so much.... uhh.... bigger than some of the people here.
On another note, it appears everybody i know is/has been/is getting hooked up. I'm not exactly sure what i think of all the couples that are popping up, but it makes me think i should be more aggressive in the field of women. I haven't been particularly interested lately to tell the truth, but just as married people tend to make friends with a lot of other married people, i guess i'd feel like i knew where my buddies were coming from more if i at least went on a few dates (although, any girl who's been reading through this whole entry that might've had intrest before is doubtlessly re-evaluating that urge lol). Only problem i have is that i know i might be doing it so i don't have to keep wondering what's up with all my love-struck friends. The urge to be quote-unquote "shallow" in interests is overwhelming. This is a time to just have fun. Why wouldn't i make the most of this laxidasical spring-fever attitude that everyone seems to share? Soon i plan to get back in a band. I don't think we'll be doing original stuff (i've made a sufficient amount of that in solo projects since Christmas). Rather, a simple Rage Against the Machine cover band looks to be in the works. That might be just what the doctor ordered for me. I'm looking forward to that. I'm now realizing how badly i can write when i'm about to fall asleep on myself. Nothing i've said in this entry so far sounds like i want it to. So instead i won't talk about me: Senior one-acts were last week. Here's a brief lowdown on what i thought of each of them:
Jake's Women- Brilliant script, enjoyable set. Robert did a somewhat sloppy job but still made it look good and i enjoyed him. Lee Smith delivered an incredible performance, doubtless the most memorable of the night (if she acts anything remotely similar to her character around Jan normally, then that man is truly blessed). Patti was good, but given the type of role she had, i would expect as much from her, it's very much her kind of role. Lindsey brought a lot of balance to the play, kept it down to earth, which it really needed at times. I'm unable to comment on the directing, i didn't see much evidence one way or another if the director did a good job or bad.
It's All In The Timing- Also an impressive script, but without the continuity. The mini-skit format made it easy to stay interested. This show can be noted for breakout performances mostly. Jon Morris is among the many who seemed to make a name for themselves for the first time. It will serve those actors well. From what i saw, the directing was good, though there were one or two scenes when it was obvious Joel didn't have a whole lot to do with the overall direction. There were many hilarious points in the play and it was probably the most helpful to the drama department on a whole as veterans such as Ashley Klanac, Stephen Simon, and Joel Hughes himself provided shining examples of working with less experienced actors and you could tell that the process had been effective in creating a new force of DKs for SFHS. This show left the most in its wake. Props to Joel for putting together a play that will continue to give to this drama department after he leaves.
You're a Good Man Charley Brown- The must-have musical addition to the senior one-act lineup. This show was made by primarily three characters: Charley Brown, Lucy, and Linus. Stephen Simon, Michelle Harding, and Robert Estill all performed their respective parts brilliantly, covering up for the upsettingly poor Snoopy character. I distinctly remember watching Stephen's facial expressions throughout all of Snoopy's "suppertime" song as appose to Jessa (Snoopy)'s actual performance. I don't complain much about actors, but Snoopy could've been much better portrayed. The remaining characters were Sally Brown and Shrouder. Sally was not a bad performance at all, but it seemed at times that the writing for her part made it rather difficult to get an audience reaction, it was a hard role to pull off, but it met standard. Shrouder was apparently a character that was heavily cut from the production in order to make it fit the one-act time limit. Aside of the fact that he didn't star personally in much of the play, Shrouder (who was portrayed by Joel) was well done, which is more or less the minimal standard for Joel in our drama department. If i didn't know Joel, i would've said it was excellently done, but it didn't seem like Joel was particularly motivated for this part, he kinda just did it. Granted, it was a good performance, but knowing Joel, he could've done a bit more with it. He was, however, still the best singer, which is a good quality to have, but in this show it tended to make the other actors sound worse as appose to making Joel sound better. It's kinda funny how that worked out. Stephen had a major musical breakthrough in this play i could tell, worlds of improvement have been made with him in the vocal section since he started this year. All this considered, if i had to pick a favorite, Michelle wins the best actress for this show. Ashley and Courtney did a great job with this play. It's obvious why nobody had any qualms with it running two nights.
Agnes of God- The drama play of the lineup. It takes a lot of guts for a senior to choose to direct a dramatic play that isn't aimed for laughs. That, right off the bat, earned respect from me. This play was deeper than the other plays and had more to offer to the experienced drama participant. The set was simple, yet well-suited for it's purpose. Allison (director and major character) did a superb job blocking this play. My biggest complaint was that the characters here lacked a bit more development. There were also parts in the play that seemed to loose the focus, these parts could've been cleaned up a little bit more or cut entirely, but they didn't add too much time to the play so it was understandable that they were kept in. This was obviously the most rehearsed play and was very professionally done. My hat's off to the cast of this play. It is a remarkable accomplishment to gain a standing O for something as serious as what they did.
The Complete History of Americas (abridged)- This play i cannot look at without bias, as i was a part of the production. I know many people will not be happy to hear it, but i thought the actual performance on Saturday night was sub-par, but i only say that in comparison to other practice nights i had been present at. The only reason i thought the show wasn't on the level with it's usual greatness was because i felt the energy completely dissipated between laughs, which is something i never saw happen before. However, i was the only one who apparently felt this way about it. And granted, there were parts that went far better than they ever have in the past (such as a bug deciding to cooperate with us by dying on cue). Something that must be known about this play is that it was the only one without class time to rehearse and, even without that considered, it is amazing what David was able to put together. This is the kind of play when even if it was mediocre in comparison to it's other runs, it's still an amazing performance. Think of it as the middle of the cream of the crop. I shouldn't rate this play, but i'm going to anyways, keeping in mind how many times i've seen it and knew it's ins and outs.
Senior One-Act were a HUGE hit this year, not a single show was unmemorable! If you missed any of the performance nights, you missed a GREAT time! This may come as a shock to some of you, but my website is damn near full on memory. I will soon have to either move all back entries to a completely separate site, or i will have to move to a new site. Either way, i will be linking the two together to make the continuity work, but that could take a little bit of time. So if some pictures from back entries don't work for a while or something, don't fret, it's just me rearranging stuff. While i'm in the process, i might update the mood pic archive gallery. I won't make any promises, but as i rearrange things in accordance to the new journal location, some extras might stem off as a result.
Hope you all leave a hearty reminder that this journal hasn't been forgotten!
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4/5/04 | |
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Not that it's ruining my life or anything...
but i do kinda miss her. |
3/18/04 | |
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This has been a big week. So many things going on, some things that weren't so great but predictable, some other things that were exciting and completely unpredictable. I'll re-cap:
I had tried to set up a time with Sweets to talk this last weekend since i knew the relationship was failing and it wasn't making either of us happy to keep putting off the issue. Yet for some reason or another, it did end up getting put off, so i didn't get to talk to her like i would've wanted. Instead i had to settle with typing back and forth on AIM, which got what needed to be done- resolved i guess. Wasn't what i was going for, but better than not getting it out of the way for another week. I, for one, feel better now that we're back on friendly terms, it doesn't work to force something forward like we were doing. There's only so much you can do for somebody who doesn't have the time for you anyways. I don't think i should be as happy with this outcome as i am, but it's such a relief i guess that i can't help but feel good about it. I still have my friend, and that's worth the world to me. Prom all of a sudden isn't so certain now. The plan for me long before i even thought i'd be dating anybody was that i would take Sweets as a friend and just have a good time. With all that junk up there going down, i don't think she trusts me to take her as just a friend, and there really isn't anything i can do to convince her of that. All the same she wouldn't say yes or no, so there's the deadlock i'm in at such a convenient time. There really isn't anybody else i have in mind either, i don't know the best way to just get to the dance and have a good time. I don't like having to all of a sudden give some kind of thought to Prom. Why can't it just be a dance and an excuse to wear a tux and rock out on a party bus? Wish i seemed more trustworthy dammit... *rolls eyes* ROAR!
Just yesterday i was awarded the role of Audrey II (the soul-singing, man-eating, bad-ass plant) in Little Shop of Horrors! This was the show being performed exclusively in the Musical Theatre class that i was unable to get in due to IB scheduling (i raised some Hell trying to get in too, as LSoH is one of my favorite shows, if not, it is my favorite show). If there was anything that was upsetting earlier in the week, this completely eclipsed it. How'd it happen? I'll tell you how it happened:
That being said, i've had my fair share of ups and downs this week. And i gotta say, even though some things suck, it's better to have that than nothing at all. If i could keep things this far away from mediocre all the time, i don't think i could ever complain. Keeping busy is the way to keep content.
Also in the past two days have been try-outs for Robin Hood. Granted, it made homework near impossible, but that's how it'll be for a long time now because the cast list is now up and it looks as though i'm going to be doing a lot of sword-play *grin*.
Well, i'd say more, but Billy just bit my hand, so i'm going to go play "destroy" with him.....
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3/10/04 | |
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And this is me just a mere three hours after that last post (below the dividing line) laughing at how stupid i sounded there. The only reason i don't take that off it because it's true to a large extent, and i think it'd be unfair of me to take back something i said earlier that now seems ridiculous. I mean, then you couldn't laugh at it either! You also probably wouldn't have as good of an idea how bi-polar this makes me.
I've never been one to be extreemly bi-polar. It's a completely new experience for me, and i can't say i like it at all. But, like i said, hopefully i'll resolve all this very soon. Sorry if the previous entry down there is depressing or comes across as a personal problem i'm just trying to get public. I don't want you to discredit it, because it is completely true, but i want you all to know i'm not in some kind of impossible downward spiral. You know what's driving me nuts? I'm finding myself to be content and relatively happy during the day, but when i go home and i don't see any evidence of my day, i'm breaking down. When i'm home i'm frustrated, i'm lovesick, i feel empty, i'm becoming paranoid, and i feel like it makes no difference to anybody. Yet every morning i wake up and it's as if the night before never happened. I don't know what's wrong with me!.... No, actually maybe i do... but i don't want to believe it. Whatever is bothering me is obviously a combination of a real problem, and my avoidance of it. Maybe just a little bit of genuine fear in there too. I'm at a very delicate part in my life where i feel like, for the first time ever, i have something HUGE at steak. Something i could loose. Something that i've wanted so badly for so long, and finally have it... and it seems like i'm barely hanging onto it. God..... i wish somebody could just honestly tell me that i'm imagining it all. But i have to do it all. I have to fix it. It's just too hard to operate under this anymore, as much as i don't want to confront it. This Friday... i'll do it this Friday... i have to. I've never been scared to tears before, and it would destroy me if it turns out to be more than just my own mentality that's bringing me to it. |
3/2/04 | |
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Sorry i didn't update sooner, but i didn't think it was that important since, as the link says, i have no evidence anybody is reading this thing anymore. I appreciate everybody's feedback and thoughts on the new format and ideas for making the page better. Oh, wait, nobody said ANYTHING.
It's probably cause it's just too difficult to leave a comment or e-mail. I mean, if i had a livejournal or Xanga page it's a lot easier, you just click on the link at the bottom of the post and type in your short little comment. Oh wait.... I DO THAT TOO! Don't think i'm upset, i just think there wasn't enough easy access ways to leave a comment or e-mail. So to fix this problem, i've littered this entry with links to do so. Just to make it easier for you, cause i care about your feedback so much and i can't improve if you don't tell me how. That aside, i decided to update since my counterpart did just a few hours ago. As you can see, i had some ice cream..... and that's about it for my life as of now i think.
Oh yeah, chorus field trip, what you need to know is a wore a tux, and that's all that's really important. We got high scores, which kinda surprised me a bit, but that infromation is secondary to the fact that i was wearing a tux and some swave shades. Maybe i'll put a pic up later.
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2/25/04 | |
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Cowabunga! i dumped all the previous entries back to another site again as well as taking on a few old and new features for my journal entries!
As you'll notice, i decided the color scheme of my original entries was superior (if only by a little bit) so i switched back. I kept the trimmed out backgrounds, the option of enlarging the mood pictures, and the comment link from the entries just past. And indeed, i still don't capitalize most of my "i"s when referring to myself. I wanted to add more features but i couldn't think of anything particularly cool at the time, so i'll be working on it. I also rediscovered the half-made web-SITE i had been making since before this journal was even around; in fact, this journal was originally just a branch of the site that somehow became the only page. There's actually a very good chance i will bring that site to life again if enough people are interested... E-mail me to tell me how you like or dislike the changes or make suggestions for this new slew of journal entries. If i can do it, it'll happen. Recently somebody asked me why i don't update my journal as often as i did when i first started. My first impulse was to say it was because i didn't feel like i had time for it anymore, but i thought about it a little more and found out that wasn't really the reason. Here's what i came up with: It seems to me that online journals are a terribly convenient way to keep in touch with nearly everyone. And that may be the problem in itself. When you can hear from somebody whenever you need them, it becomes so easy to take them for granted. I know, in my case anyways, that whether i do it consciously or not, i tend to make more of the time i have with people if i can't do it whenever i want. By making your life readily available to whoever has a phone line, people start to feel less and less like they need to ask you personally what's going on. Now granted, while you're talking with your friends on the phone or on AIM and you ask them what the latest news with them is, they generally will give you a half-assed answer like "nothing" or "not much" and when you ask them how they are they'll say "fine" or "ok" and that will be the extent of your conversation. But even though nobody can seem to tell you about what's been happening to them or even engage in meaningful conversation anymore, it's still important to them that you're curious. It's human nature to want attention for yourself, just to get noticed, just to have somebody interested in you. That's why giving everything away, or at least giving the perception of everything away on online journals ultimately gives people less of a reason to be interested in you. Now there are always exceptions; there are people who say things on their journals intentionally to whet people's interest in them without really saying anything. There are also those who keep journals but never express how they really feel. They put on a facade in their own journals because they know people will read it. When you think about that, it really defeats the purpose in the first place. The reason they should truly express themselves is because it's a good place to write down what they are really thinking, and then people can see that and understand them better. It's not a bad thing at all to keep a journal. People like to be able to have an idea of what's going on in your life at their own convenience. I guess the only point i'm trying to drive home is that some people really overdo it to the extent where i don't think there's anything left for they want to tell anybody. You loose your curtain of mystery that makes people wonder what makes you tick. I seem to have forgot where i was going with this.... i suppose it was everything in moderation. Now that i'm done telling people how they don't need to reveal everything about themselves, i'll move onto my life *smirk*. Recently i've been experiencing a tougher and larger workload from IB. It's time consuming to the extent where i think i psyched myself into being sick. Like, really sick, not just faking it and taking a day off. I guess you can exhaust your immune system through simple mentality. Anyways, i don't plan on that happening again because it simply makes things tougher, all things considered. I was also putting some unneeded strain on myself last week. Admittedly, i worried myself over Sweets because i haven't had the opportunity to really do anything with her for quite a while and she seemed to be expressing less and less of an interest in me. But then i realized how ridiculous i was being for letting that upset me. We have, after all, been only dating; and in all honesty things have just been too busy for both of us to make that very consistent. So that was actually pretty easy to resolve once i realized it. That's just taking things slow. My house has been extensively hectic, even more so than usual. My mom has been an emotional wreak for no real apparent reason for the last three weeks. It makes me wonder if something important is going on that i just wasn't informed about. But if it was going to set me on edge as much as her, i'm pretty content not knowing about it. Billy never ceases to amaze me with how insightful he can be for a three-year-old. Whenever there is extra tension in the room i can see the gears turning in his head until he comes up with a solution to it (he generally ends up going up to mom and saying "i love you" and she smiles and the whole house breaths a sigh of relief). Still, whenever things are laid-back, Billy goes back to his reckless self; jumping off of couches, making makeshift swords out of anything semi-pointy, and even finding ways to take after Paul, the second youngest...... (Paul is the soon-to-be arsonist in the family for all of you who didn't know what i was talking about). My 17th birthday was yesterday, and nothing particularly special happened. It was also Mardi Gras coincidentally (i share a birthday with Mardi Gras roughly every 5 years) but that wasn't a big deal to anyone either. I had gone to sleep at 4 in the morning the day of my birthday because i had stayed up to talk to my friend Zach Hirsch from MN, so i was especially fatigued the whole day. Nevertheless, i got a couple "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"s so that make the day go by faster. Dance Co. auditioned the dances for the next concert after school. I unintentionally fell asleep in a very odd looking stretch during warm-ups and they decided to just leave me like that. I guess they didn't want to wake me up since it was my birthday and if i wanted to fall asleep with my leg folded up to my head and my arm bent in half, they were going to let me. Anyways, i woke up after warm-ups to find that both my legs had lost all feeling and my left arm and ass were asleep. You can't really walk that well like that, much less dance, but i was going to have to make due. So during the first three dance auditions (one of which i was in) i regained the blood circulation to all my appendages.... and my ass. The auditions went pretty well, nothing got cut so everything is still on schedule to go in a month or so for our performance. It should be pretty good.
Once i got home my family also said "happy birthday" and then left for my brother's basketball banquet.....
Finally some mysterious benefactor gave me silk, zebra-stripped boxers via package with no return address. hmm.... thanks whoever you are. I don't know exactly what you wanted me to do with silk boxers, but regardless, i'm sure i'll sleep very comfortably in them. hmm.... what else?.... My e-mail pen pal stopped writing to me almost a month ago. That makes me very sad, but i keep sending letters anyways. She's just too busy i think. In closing i'd like to thank everybody who dropped a few cents into my hat while playing outside of caribou last Saturday. It was cold and your funds helped buy me a coffee. |