6/14/03 | |
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click for the large sha-bang, Allison loved this picture so much and reminded me i had to put it up *smile*.
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6/12/03 | |
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Right right, so i promised this thing would be up 3 days ago and it definatly never happened. Many appologies to anybody who actually reads these. i will, however, keep my promise of making this a photo-whore entry. These pictures consist of a small get together i had a few days ago. i wouldn't call it a party cause that's not what it was intended to be, but now i've got a better idea of what to expect when you.... eh.... nevermind, you're after the pictures anyways, so here they are:
So that was fun. Lexy was also at Movie Night, but she was very insistant that i delete all pictures of her. i tried to save a few but she became...uhhh...... more insistant, and i have the nail and bite marks in my left arm to prove it.
The same day Stephen and Taylor had stopped by for a while for lack of a better place to go i guess. This was a grave mistake for Taylor as she imediantly lost her shoe..... and couldn't find it for about an hour, with all of us looking (i might add that Steve-o and i took turns introducing her to a few pillows, but we were searching honestly the rest of the time *smile*). At some point o got a hold of her other shoe and hid it in a corner in a virtually empty room, you know, just to see how long it would take her to find that shoe. Well it took her about 20 min. even after we played "blues clues" and gave her the clue that it was in a corner of the room.... so that illistrates Taylor's inteligence for that particular day.
So a couple of my friends are having relationship troubles. i guess there's no way around em, but jeeze, some people just try too hard. confusing shit, mostly because everybody makes a bigger deal out of it than they have to. But that's where the drama of it all is. Everybody should still work towards their dream of hangin out a window and makin out, but don't beat yourselves up over it. Waitaminute....who the hell am i to talk? lol. OK so forget that last paragraph. i'm not really in a patient frame of mind right now, so i don't think i can type much more. Maybe later. In closing, does anybody else think the phrase "abs are the new arms" sounds wierd? |
6/8/03 | |
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| OK, big post comming up, i promise it'll be up tomorrow kids, sorry. There's just a lot goin on and it takes a while to get pics up and running for this. Next entry is the photo-whore entry. I'll have plenty of content to write about, don't worry. |
6/6/03 | |
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First thing i gotta say is OOWWWW!!!
My arms hurt so much today, the muscle is all tense and really feels ripped. Imagine somebody tying a rope to each hand and then trying the other end of the rope to a mad bull or something and the bulls charge in opposite directions. That's how i feel, and it's just a bitch. Today it rained, so i got out the bike and rode around for a while with my walkman blasting RAtM in my ears. Poor substitue for a car, i know, but at least it gets you goin pretty fast, and you probably even do good for your health or something with it, i dunno. i noticed how wet and slick the roads were and that gave me an idea. uhh.......i'm not done with this entry, but i gotta jet outta this hell hole for a while, i'll finish later tonight. |
6/5/03 | |
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uhh....today was just a cycle from hammock to guitar to PC. Which works, but it gets redundant as the only interesting thing that came of that were electrical currents jumping from my mic to my mouth while playing guitar due to wayyyy to much wattage. Nothing really of note till tonight.
Went with Steve-o and Kay to watch Steve-o get his hair dyed, which never happened cause they weren't ready for him. So we turned around and left the mall but then went back after wasting some gas cause Lacey talked Steve-o into comming back via phone.
hmm.....Went to Andrew's place, ruined his good time with sweets. Andrew's bro, Joe came around and decided he needed to take Steve-o's and my asses to the basketball court. Of course, i haven't toutched a basketball for two years, no joke. Andrew teams up with his bro and they kick the shit out of steve-o and me in b-ball. i don't think we scored a single point on them. Andrew has come to the conclusion that if you don't watch or follow a sport, you're not a man. Steve-o and i tried to come back by saying he may be good with sports but guys like us are good at....at.....shit, ok so Andrew made his fuckin point. i guess i need to spend more time around a basketball or a football or somethin.
After Steve-o and i left with Julie (potential-Taylor III, because you know, Taylor II is the car), we made our way to Jess's place to hang out. Uhhh.... at Jess's place people were just kinda sittin and watchin TV and Julie didn't feel wanted (i guess i can relate a little, i was just kinda ....you know....there), so we took her back to her neighborhood (also Andrew's). Andrew was out still so we dropped by untill his bro started yelling at him like he was about to be raped or something, at which point we walked Julie home (2 blocks). i would've just let Steve-o do it but you know, it seemed like Andrew'd be busy tryin to keep his brother from shooting him, so i thought it best that i just follow the lead and leave that scene.
After cleaning out that place of Ginger Ale (cause that's all she had) we headed home. Apparently Jess and co. were headed off to some mountian for the night. Steve-o wanted to go but had to stop by home first and i guess his dad was awake, cause he's still there. i talked to Kay about relationship issues. Tense situation as always, but i think some things got settled, for better or for worse. i like to leave doors open so it ended on relativly good terms. This shit kills.... Today i noticed how having fun is rarely legit anymore. Always with the sex and drugs. Oh well, only beatiful people have a right to complain. There's just this inner nice-guy in me that bothers me constantly when i'm around it (which is any time i want to have a good time recently). i don't smoke or drink or any of that, but i catch myself wondering why i don't more and more often. i mean, geeze, it's a sick, sad world and generally if you can't beat em, you join em. Maybe i'll just keep dealing with it, you just never get use to it in my case i guess. Where are all you straight-edge people? and do you have as good a time as these stoners? Cause if not, it's just another deadlock for me. Like i couldn't use another one. i'd discuss some deep thoughts or go more into how un-legit most fun is but i gotta crash. Website isn't finished, but the features section is comming along, which is big progress. Done by the end of the week maybe? i dunno. Bye |
6/3/03 | |
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Alright, i know it's been about a week, but i've been kinda caught up in a lot of shit. Sadly the website isn't finished, but its comming along, so it could be up by the end of this week. Its not going to be as awsome as i wanted it to be, but it'll still be worth a look, and since it'll be easier to deal with once i've written all the base code for it, it can be updated much faster than it was created.
Onto the DE-pressing issues of life. In all truth, things really aren't bad now, i guess i'm just in a state of "what-the-hell-should-i-do-with-myself-now" well-being.
There were a couple of grad parties and otherwise-regular parties that went on for the first few days after graduation for the seniors. They provided some good times, but on a whole, they could be summed up in two words: "drugs, alcohol"
Relationships have been deteriorating for the most part. i had a kinda special friend that i guess has just fallen out of toutch with me. Maybe that was to be expected as the summer came. Still, she was kinda my outlet, and now i'm not sure where to confide anything. i'm sure there are other people willing enough to listen, but there was just something about that special friend of mine that made me more at ease with her than anyone else. i know it's indirectly my own fault for falling apart from her, but..... i dunno, at risk of sounding greedy or hypocritical i'd better stop. A few days ago i had an extreem moment of obliviousness that nearly killed (or otherwise sevierly injured) a couple people. Nobody has any idea how much i hate myself looking back on that. It seriously kept me awake the entire night following it. Of course, all of the people present during it were very keen on spreading word, so most people i know are well aware of the event and then some people i don't know are informed about it as well. That night and the day following people kept asking me about it and i just wished i could dissapear. With any luck it'll blow over and nobody will remember a thing by next week. Today i was left home alone for a while, which is an event i cherish every time it happens, and while i was walking past the living room a song that i haven't heard in months played on the radio. It was the Goo Goo Doll's "Here is Gone". i had purposly avoided the Goo Goo Doll's music for weeks now because that particular song holds a special wieght to me. i got a bit choked up, which i never otherwise allow myself to do. If anybody has a good remedy for letting go of past issues, i sure would like to hear it. Because even though i had previously forced myself to repress a heavy saddness of mine, hearing that song broke me down. i think i have a serious problem i haven't addressed correctly still concerning my past struggles and it ties back to me so many ways there's no way i can avoid it anymore. So as that is, i am now afriad of the radio...
Just a few min. ago my baby bro. was explaining to my mom how much he liked a book. Normally this is never a problem, because i've had 3 previous siblings grow up around me and i remember distinctly how good it was when they stoped complaining about things and said "they like something". But the key phrase with them was always "i like this" or "i like that". What made my baby bro.'s exclaimation so unique today was that he said "i love this book mom!". In everything he likes, he says he loves in instead. That just reminded me of my previous ramble on "love" and for a while i thought maybe i was just overstretching it for this journal's sake. But no, "love" really is becoming more and more casual in today's world. i don't know why that bothers me, i don't know why i feel so strongly about it that i have to bring up that dead journal topic again. i guess i'm just a hopless romantic and "love" is the one concept i can still hold sacred. i mean, to me, it's not something you should spray around like a dog marking it's teritory, or something fake that some guy would use to get in a girls pants. i just want to think there's something above that, above lust, above sex. All that is just two people putting their fucking genitals together. If there's nothing else you can share with somebody special it just saddens me.....
Like i said earlier though, things aren't all bad. i got a day off at six flags yesterday and i had some good company to spend it with. We got a lot of the good rides in, and all of us ended it with Acrophobia......well.....except one of our party members, who said she'd rather listen to Chere than ride Acrophobia. However, we almost got her to board the ride under threat of having to go on a date with me......... Great...... now i know that Chere and a big mechanical machine take priority over me. Man i hate Chere!
Today i went to job interviews. They went relativly well. i won't really know how well for a while, with the exception of Subway who wanted to hire me right away. However, i'm holding out on Subway not only because i've been told it's not a good job by somebody in the know, but also because the interviewer's requirements seemed very unappealing to me.
Interviewer- "Are you male?"
Maybe i exagerated a bit, but they do want me to shave and get a dramatically short haircut, which doesn't make me happy. Alright, i admit, Wolff was right, i don't grow facial hair very gracefully, but it's decent enough and i like it. And i really don't want to go back to freshman picture hair-length *shutter*.
There, hope that makes my entry for the day less dissapointingly deep, pesamistic, and depressing. i've just had too much to think about my zoning out moment, my "love" deep thoughts, my problems with letting go of the past, and the relative departedness from my special friend. Have a nice night.
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5/26/03 | |
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i really gotta lock down and study this week, and when i'm not, i'm working on putting up the brand new site that will be an amazing extention of my journal; so i'll be brief today and forgive me if entries are few and far between later.
To sum up today, i drove around with Steve-o and Nicki aimlessly, which was awsome. i lost my fav. sunglasses cause they flew off in the convertable and then got run over by an 18-wheeler. i ran into my sister at the mall unexpectedly which reminded me to get her a B-day present for tomorrow. i bought a cookie. i went home with the intention of working for finals, which i did half-heartedly. i talked to Kay on the phone (geeze phones put me out of my element), cause she called me. i felt a little sick briefly. i talked briefly to Sweets, who is sick and is having a hard time lately, and since her pain is my pain, i try to help out, but i'm at a loss right now. Steve-o and Nicki got me new glasses that are huge and i love them. Talked to Lee, who has the most comfortable bed ever. Finally, the highlight of the day, everyone was gone and i felt better so i made myself this for dinner:
Concerning a issue that's going down right now, i know some people who are being extreamly shallow and unforgiving to somebody who doesn't deserve their critisizm. It has only made me realize how two-faced everyone is, and made me stop and reflect one my own two-sidedness briefly. Expect me to go deeper into this in a later entry that i have more time for. -Al signing out (perhaps for the week) |
5/24/03 | |
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Today was great, i've got a lot of stuff i need to do before i go back to school, but i completely blew that off in favor of wastin the whole day with steve-o and various other people. i'm really glad i did though, screw school, even though finals are up next.
First up, i woke up and headed over to steve-os to play some guitar and shit, we didn't get much done but we got some lyrics and junk. Then we tried to decide what to do: go to the mall with zach (bass playin-zach, don't know his name), or go to a pool with Kayla and Jayme. Then Andrew tells us he's got some hampters in town or somethin so we decide to head to his pool..........and if we pick up some ladies on the way, so be it.
Then Steve-o comes back with Kay and we play some basketball and head to the pool, where we got all wet and made little imprints on the pavement that looked like this:
So after that we basically took the girls home and steve-o and i headed off to get people together to watch the matrix....and stop at wendey's. When we were at Wendeys, we order our food and while we're in the drivethrough, Chris Hayse jumps out of the drive-through window and yells "Hey! we have to play at the coffee-house! Here's my card! And here's some extra fries!".........so then we leave We drive around Fox Creek for a while and this guy sees us throw stuff out the window....a non-biodegradable stirofoam container (two words: nucular FUCKIN weapons!)......anyways, he chases us down and tells us to go pick up our litter....and we're wearing boyscout hats....and we salute him and go pick up the enviorment.
So we pick up Quin and head off to watch the Matrix at Steve-o's, Kelsey's bringing the movie. We get back and Kelsey, Nicki, Muff, Stephanie come over....and we decide we don't like the Martix anymore so we go eat, cause that's what IB kids do when they don't know what the hell else to do.
i'd write more, but i have to go play pool and guitar and stuff with steve-o untill about 7 in the morning. Also note i cut things a lot for the entry, otherwise i'd never have the patience to write it all. i'll write somethin deeper when i get the time. |
5/23/03 | |
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There's some secret people are keeping from me. A particular few have been avoiding conversation with me, or when i enforce it, they're keeping to to a minimum. i'm not going to let it bother me, i just hope you people have good intentions. i've been cut out of the loop a little too much lately and i guess its only for the best that think about something else.
i got a haircut today, and then i spent the rest of my day looking for a job. Damned if there isn't a place in Cumming GA i haven't applied to work for. i stood in the middle of fast moving trafic today. For a while, i wondered what kind of excitment it would be to just get hit---- i'll admit i've been really pesamistic lately, but i hardly blame myself. Anyways, i didn't get hit and i came away with a little rush, and i haven't felt a purely physically inspired rush for a long time. Too many emotional rushes. So, after all that i come home and find out i missed hangout at the mall...damn... but i made the most of it and wasted the rest of the day out getting even more job applications at places i'd never be able to work at even if they did hire me. Then i came back, packed up, and headed off to babysit. Babysitting was horrible, it was as if the kids were on a constant sugar high. i'm serious, they made togas and ran around a coffee table for 1 hour straight, no exageration. i wrote some good lyrics tonight, better than what i usually do. i get so many ideas at the worst times and think i need to just start carrying a stickypad and a pen around with me at all times so i can at least try to capture breif flashes of good stuff. Might i say, nothing inspires songs quite like being in a messed up situation with a girl. The closer you are, the worse it is on you, the better the inspiration. It's a cruel law, but it holds true. i think sometime this weekend i'm going to rip appart my Black Circle website (cause this journal is the only thing i update now) and maybe make it just more journal focused with some interesting new monthly features or something. Maybe a profile on a friend of mine per week or month, and maybe an art section, or an arcive of mood pictures that never seemed inspired enough. Sound fun? well, it just might happen cause God knows i'll be putting my homework off and what else am i gunna do at 2 in the morning every day? In closing, i would just like to say i love you.*smile* |
5/22/03 | |
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School was good today, nothing incredably special, but Wolff's class really is enjoyable now. i wish i got a yearbook, i could've sworn i ordered one. ah well.
When i got back from school today i headed downstairs and just listened to music for about a half an hour. Music is such a big part of me. There are some songs that i connect to specific feelings or people, and it's just amazing how clearly i can see that person or feel that emotion. After a little while though, i really just wanted to go hang out with some people. i've been getting only minimal social time for a while now and i just needed to get out.
Such is my ignorance. Of course, by the time i've wasted a half-hour on music, people had gotten home, called each other up, refueled their cars, and headed off to the movies, or to somebodys house, or to wherever. i guess i didn't mind, i'm not usually in anybody's loop of friends to call, but that's cause i kinda make it that way for myself i think. i went to my favorite private place, where i thought about that for a while and it brought up one of my bigger flaws as a character....it's that i'm a loner. i don't really like the word loner, cause i don't think it very accuratly describes me; i think a better term for it is "drifter" because all my life i've never really become a lamented part of any specific group of kids in school or anywhere else.
The only time this has failed to be true was with Stephen Simon, who i also see going from group to group (would if be accurate to call him a drifter too?). I guess that's why he's been the only friend i've been able to at least semi-keep for years on end. But it just seems like he can make his way into the groups with less effort, so it kinda works for him. Maybe that's just me misreading it, but one can't help but feel he's got that charm and carisma that'll help him win over nearly anybody pretty quickly. i've got plently of my own advantages too, but sometimes they just don't seem to compare. Either way, it's always comforting to know he's been the only constant in my own ring of friends at any given time. i don't mean to make any of this sound like self pitty. i'm fairly content with the way this works cause it keeps introducing me to new people, and even though i never latch on to one group, i can sometimes draw a particular member out and become semi-close to them. It's just, some nights, i get a sense of not belonging, and that's one of the trivial needs that drives everybody. i guess that's about all i wanted to say tonight. i thought some of you people who like to ruin yourselves thinking might enjoy this picture i took a few days back as i was headed to my secret hideaway. This picture is completely un-messed-with, i didn't do anything to the color or shadows or anything, it's just a purely beautiful sky (and to be honest, the picture doesn't do it much justice).
Don't you wish you could just share it with somebody? |
5/20/03 | |
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WakeupAl,youhavetowriteinyourjournal!
So Today was pretty swanky but it gave me a headache. Nothing i couldn't take care of with a little jolt of our natively-made, newly-discovered, super-strong coffee that my mom has apparently been drinking for years now....and she tells us to try and cut back on the caffeen.....
i woke up late today and kinda skidded by on hygene. i found myself at the bus stop wondering if i had breakfast or not. Then i remembered i didn't even visit the bathroom, so i broke out my emergency axe can while waiting for the bus.
1st period was great. Talked with CC a bit about her obsession with british men (but not Sean Conory lol), and then the Wolff-mister attempted to take out one of my eyes. Looked a little bit at JFK cards (which i think i mistakenly put in one of my various pockets, but i'm not sure cause i can't find them), and i discussed plant leaves with Sweets and observed Ken's amazingly dashing romantic skills (so that's why the princess is such a lady killer...). Bell goes bong! and it's off to waste the rest of the day. Gov/Econ. was like trying to stay in a room full of tear gas (just to relate how hindering it was, but not in the same way). Somebody left food in the class from yesterday and Coach Allan didn't think to throw it out. This caused one of the most horrible smelling aromas one could hope to encounter. Looking back on it, i had a pretty full can of axe...i shoulda just spayed that all around...
Lunch was the same as always. Somebody asked if the gov. could tax you if you don't really exist. i personally answered this in my head by concluding the gov. taxes lots of things that aren't really there. i can't think of any specifics, but there are several, believe me...
Web Page Design continues to drain my life. What else can i say?
Home, guitar, looking for lyrics to this Dashboard Confessional song that i can't seem to find an acurate copy of. Everybody left for a rec. baseball game or middle school honor's night (good job sis), so i took advantage of this time to scream and yell for no reason at all. Then i focused a little more and did a wonderful one-person concert that encompassed songs from old-school artists': Spin Doctors, Third Eye Blind, The Wallflowers, Dispatch, SemiSonic, Eve6, and Matchbox 20. What happened to some of those guys?
 You are Gambit! You are a fierce fighter and a good friend to have. Your preference for solitude and your attractiveness make you very intriguing to those you meet. Unfortunately, close relationships are few and far between for you because you often have trouble opening up to others. |
5/19/03 | |
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i've decided that i am a machine. i don't actually feel like i posses whatever makes you human anymore. All my emotions are frozen, i feel no passion or spite towards anything or anyone right now. i just take a situation, and if i know how to deal with it, i do so as quickly as possible, and if i don't know how to deal with it, i reach a deadlock and no rational thought can lead me around it. i hope i was built with a CD player in mind.
Lately things seem to be in a stale mate. My communication with everybody has dwindled and nothing seems to be moving. It's just another bad case of "same shit, different day". What can i do to add a little zest? Maybe i'll push to have the Spa i planned to have open by the end of this month opened earlier. When it happens, i'll be sure to notify everybody.
Let's see, today was pretty good, mostly attributed to the fashion show i got to help put on during 1st block. Props to Kelly DM for organizing such an amazing senior project. She obviously went above and beyond her call to duty with that project, and i hope it's awarded with the A+ she deserves after that.
2nd and 3rd fly by with nothing really to note, except maybe that i learned a little bit about the thought proccess of Taylor Hall, be that a good or bad thing. Coley's dungeon was a little parasitic today. i was tired cuase the early wake up call was getting to me, but then i guess i'm always a little tired in that class. i thought a little bit about that and realized that i'm actually more in my prime in 3rd where i don't do anything except cause trouble and move a mouse around and click it to make it appear i'm busier than i really am. Ah the time scedual ruins all my potential. So the rest of class goes by, i scratch a neck, i watch a moron at work, i forget to say "supercallafragilisticexpealladocous" at the appropriate time, but so did sweets so nobody pulled ahead. Bell rings and i just shuffle towards bus.
Here's today's highlight: i get home, and i fall asleep on a couch downstairs (even though my bed is in the next room) and don't wake up till 7:30, and it's only cause my brothers found me and wanted me to play a bord game with them. So i obviously missed dinner, but i didn't care much, i ate some marshmellows.
i was confused as to what to do with myself at one point in the night so i did something i almost never do: i picked up the telephone. So after spending a little time trying to hold a candle to awkwardly unfocused conversation (this is why i'm no good with phones) i decided i had done my nice-guy duty by at least trying to help ease somebody's job (no that it was that bad to begin with). i worked up a bit of info on JFK and that's about where i'm at. It's such an misdirected sense of being right now. Somebody help me bring this all together and start me off on a new road again. Or it can be an old road, i don't care, i just need a guide again i guess.
There are doors i have yet to open,
Going forward may not be the answer...
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5/17/03 | |
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Time to share a deep thought. What is love? i bring this up because lately i've heard so many people throw the term "love" around and i can't help but wonder if maybe people don't take the idea as seriously anymore, or if they define it as something not that serious to begin with. Sure, a good friend could say to another that they "love" them, because as the exact definition goes, love can be used to define a parent's, friend's, or divine being's love. But finally, there is the last definition, the special bond that two people share in which they take a part of each other's souls for the rest of their lives and perhaps beyond depending on their beliefs. It's this idea that i see used so casually so often lately.
Or is the idea really just that? Is the human emotion really just a unconciously brewed up fantasim that helps aid the sex drive? i would like to argue that it's not just something we allow ourselves to believe, but i don' think i can do that because i'm not sure if i've ever experienced love or, if i have, i wouldn't allow myself to believe it because i tell myself i'm too young to understand love. However, at what point is one capable of identifying what truely is love? Is it fleeting? Is it devine and eternal? Is it predestined? Did the people who married each other and divorced 20 years later ever experience love? Did the couple that romanced each other without even knowing each other for one night experience love? Can somebody learn to love? Can it grow on you? If somebody tried hard enough, could they make somebody else love them? Are there those that have never and will never have the blessing of belonging to somebody else?... I'd like nothing more to have answers to these questions, but they are my own questions and i have no insight to close them. i just thought i'd share with everybody a take on a very common (or is it?) question that people can't help but ask sooner or later. It just draws from wondering if anything is sacred i suppose. OK, enough of that. Moving on to Friday and today. Friday was pretty good, maybe an 8 on the 10-scale. i paid a visit to the Boss to drop off the remaining part of my team's cooperative project (my part) and she recieved it very anxiously. Taking note of the 5 menacing pictures of people i took for the project cover, she openly stated that Wolff and Alyse are collectively the most intimidating characters on film. She also added that Jayme couldn't look less menacing, which i personally argue with because i thought she looked the most dangerous, but i didn't say anything. Some people, like the Boss, just aren't worth trying to impress your opinions on unless something bigger is at steak. So we're off to Wolff's class where i proceed to finish my Geo project for most of the class time. i wish i had finished it earlier because today would've been a good day to socialize a little more. But, then again, i've always got CC sitting in front of me for most of it, so i talked a bit with her while i glued sheets of paper together and had a pretty good time. I will be JFK for our final project, and i think i've already made the accent run thin, for other people and myself, so i'll have to can it for a while so it's at least a little fresh for our presentations. Sweets decided on being Maralyn Monroe apparently....*JFK winks and then pops a pill* Gov/Econ had a sub and none of the seniors showed up again so it was just Brendon (entense academic), Tim (only kid who honestly doesn't give a flying fuck about anything), and me in the classroom. i took on a big-headed, smart-ass personality that cleaverly expoited our sub for a while (simply for entertainment) and then toutched up a little more on the Geo project. Sometimes you get so confused as to what to do with yourself in that class, but i always seem to retain a pretty good mood durning 2nd block so it's a bit of a innocently optamistic re-evaluating time on days like that. Lunch was lunch. Taylor and Plesher and Tyler all discussed the dance performance from the previous night and i uhh.... ate an apple. i thought a little about situations i'd like to see particular people in that could force them to express themselves in ways they would otherwise never act. For example, i imagined Plesher at a concert with her biggest celebrity crush on stage and she knew the only way to get his attention would be to scream and throw herself at him, a dramatic action that the real Pleasure would have to spend a good few hours working up the confidence to do. That was one of my more mild situations, but you get the idea. 3rd i finished up the Geo project with seconds to spare. Geeze, didn't do much else other than that. i made a hypnotizing flash picture. It's my dimented eye, previously seen where the mood picture usually appears on the poll post. Except, it blinks shut and then opens up vertically, rotates, and continues in a flawless and smooth cycle that would drive almost anyone mad. i'll have to destroy it later. i also resolved to swear a little less, for what it's worth. A bit of a pointless resolve, but i thought maybe it'd build a healthier frame of mind, so why the hell not?........wait......nevermind.... Geo i turned in the project and then worked on a cookie project with my favorite daughter the rest of the class. Once again, her contentment is refreshing. i hope she goes on to bigger and better thnings than her mother ever did. On my way to the bus, i stop by one of the specific groups of sub-IBers and Kay gives me a notecard asking about "us". i ponder this on the bus ride home. It's a real toutchy issue i guess. Again, the thought that she doesn't really know me crossed my mind, but then i thought "who really knows anybody?" and ultimatly decided it'd be worth a shot to try things with Kay, but i wonder if i'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons...... But who can nitpick when it somes to high-school dating? auhg..... we'll see where that goes later.
Got home, talked a little on the net and then took a check for my parent's way into the drama banquett over to Kelly DM's place. Her mom is very hospitable and it's always encouraging to see good adults in the real world, cause i don't see as many of them as i'd like to. Kelly came down for a sec, but she was a little preoccupied trying to clean her room in the nude, so i left her to her business and left. i always love the bike ride there and back, and the fact that i have a mini-mission everytime i go there seems to help my sense of being. Anyways, got home and played guitar for 2 hours, and then started to fall asleep right as a was supposta be preparing for the banquett. Woke up, showered, and got dressed all nice in 15 min. before we were supposta leave. i'm not sure what my mom was all uptight about, the thing was being held at the clubhouse 2 blocks away and she wanted to have me ready early in case there was trafic or something *rolls eyes* parents..... anyways, it was kool putting on a sports coat and loafers and a tie again. In all modesty, i think i look good in formal wear, at least untill my hair poofs out into crazy jungle man hair.
Banquett was fun. I had some trouble finding a definate group of the drama kids to ease into (a problem a rarely have) but i enjoyed it anyways, and kinda drifted from group to group. I won "breakout performance" (dunno how, i rarely performed at all this year) which was shared with 3 other, very deserving drama colleages (namely Jan, Tyler, and uhhh...damn.....forgot). Later that night i also won "most dedicated sophmore" (exclusive trophy) and it was a surprise because i thought Steve-o or Courtney had it in the bag, but it was great anyways and really made the night. My best friend Steve-o won best supporting actor, which is very noteworthy and i'd like to congradulate him on that. The rest of the night was littered with amazing performances, not the least of which was the astoundingly well-played impersonations of the seniors leaving us this year. i sure will miss those guys. They've really been something to work towards. Best of luck to them wherever they go. i went through 4 cups of some of the best coffee i've ever had and it kept me awake pretty well the rest of the show. The night came to a head and the DJ broke out with some tunes and people started dancing. i would have stayed but i had to cath a sweet 16 B-day party, so i requested my parents beat it in the next 15 min. and ran home. Changed fast and then headed to Quin's (aka Dowda's) party. The party was pretty good, not a lot happening for late people like me because most people had paired off into makeout buddies or had already wound down. We broke for McD's after a while, and i rode with Taylor (the guy, not Steve-o's bitch) and Brit. Taylor poped in some Radiohead and i imediantly knew this Taylor kid was one kool kid. McD's can be summed up with saying Taylor licked the side of one of those "kid-play-places" near the ball pit. Fun, pictures, we leave. We went back to Quins' to say goodbye and i gave her the mac'n'cheese i picked up for her on the way to the party. She loved it, and we headed off and left the makeout buddies still there. Steve-o graciously let me ride home with him, perhaos at the expence of not being able to give Lacey a lift home, and that must've been a little hard for him (this is all assuming that was the case). So after a made some assumptions and alternate conclusions, i felt like he did me a much bigger favor than it probably was. i hope that kid gets what he wants soon , even if i think he could do better for himself, he really is one of the most driven people i know and i have a lot of respect for that at least. i got home and chatted a bit on the net. Then, because i was still too awake to crash, i worked out a little and then listened to Dispatch as i faded into a rather uncomfortable sleep. i had the most horrible dream that night, not because it was scary or anything like that. But it was all about somebody that i've had the hardest time dealing with and it was very intense. i actually woke up at 4:30, sweating. i took a cold shower and tried to fall back asleep. about an hour later i finally crashed peacfully for the rest of the morning until about 10:30, a few hours later. Today was relativly uneventful. i cleaned my bathroom untill ever aspect of it shined (the hidden message in here is that my perfectionist mom made me come back 5 times to fix every last detail). i called around, but nobody seemed to be home, so i played my guitar and did some of that video game stuff (something i haven't toutched in weeks). Later my dad called me to clean the windows and shutters in our garage. Some of these jobs they make me do are just so unrewarding. But i got to use the hose for half the job so it was alright. i shoulda just brought the hose in the garage. you know, people take showers because they know that pressurized water is the most efficiant way to clean anything. Why use anything else? it evaporates when your done anyways. i think there are few things in this world that i like more than pressurized water. i missed my guitar lessons for the 2nd week in a row, and we have some payments we owe them. i'll be thinking of a believable excuse for the next week when i plan to actually attend. i feel like i'm getting a little better anyways. Tonight i was expected to babysit for my bros(much harder than other places cause they don't believe in my authority here). Relativly low resistance though, which was unexpected and nice. Unfortionatly it took 4 tries to get my baby bro down for the count. i'm still not sure if he'll wake up again any second now. i have more i want to say, but this is already increadably long. i'll leave you guys alone. As recent events have displayed, people can only take so much Al at one time. Just be greatful i don't share more of my deeper thoughts on this thing... |
5/15/03 | |
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Sorry about yesterday. i was really having a bad day and i think it kinda peaked there. Or at least it's nice to think so.
Today i was sick, so after having to debate it with my parents early in the morning (which really hurt my throat), i finally convinced them i wasn't up to school today. So i went back to bed for a while and listened to the rain and tried to keep cool while i fell asleep. When i got up later, i cleaned my room and the kitchen because my parents expect me to do things for them when i stay home, sick or not. It's kinda as if they think i owe them one for being sick.
So as my body was in a bit of a weak state today, i collected my thoughts again and started a new plan to put off or ignore touble, cause it's not going away and the best thing i can think to do is just recognize it but choose to put it off. i feel a lot better today, and judging from this day alone, i'd say i need to take a day off every 2 or 3 months or so. It just does miracles. I had a lot of work to do on Geometry and Lit and junk, but it was very passive the way i did it and it didn't bother me at all. i felt a little bad cause i was supposta turn in part of a group presentation today and i didn't go. The Boss better not penalize my group, cause if she does, i've already decided on the idea of arguing the punishment be laid on me alone because i'd really feel bad putting a dent in somebody else's grade so close to the end of the year (especially because some of them might be on the boarder of a letter grade like i am). i also spent some time writing some songs. Not really songs, but just guitar parts and vocal rythems to go with em. i wouldn't trust myself to write lyrics right now cause that would result in a song about a time i would like to forget about. i ment to finish the spa towel, but it continues to be an enigma to me. Rest assured, i WILL find a way to engrave letters onto a towel! i would just like to close by wishing everybody a better time than they are currently having. i know i'm not the only one who has it rough right now, in fact, i know that almost everyone i know is having various degrees of depression and i hope to God i can do something that will collectivly make everyone else's problems go away. if everyone else feels better, it's inevitable i'll feel the afterglow right? Back to Geo project.....what could be more circular than a ball? |
5/14/03 | |
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Today brought a huge blow to me mentaly. i keep fooling myself into thinking things have taken a turn around, that everything is going to get better. Not only does that not happen, but things continue to get more complicated and worse.
But who the fuck am i to complain? Everyone goes through this right? Everybody has a time like this in their lives. Why not now? Why not hit me with something else? i use to like the concept of a friend no matter what. There was always somebody there who gave a shit about you, regardless of your problems with stress, love, resent, hypocricy, or whatever else you could brew up. But what happens when you loose everyone that might have otherwise backed you up? What happens when all those people start making out with each other and stop caring what it does to you? What happens when you break down and realize they're in the right not to give a shit about you because you couldn't throw yourself into their frey? And you're left alone, dispite all the lovers and the mentors and the learners and the strangers that come to you....... without them, you're fucking alone..... and they don't want to deal with you anymore...... |
5/13/03 | |
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First off, thanks to all those who replied to the poll (if you haven't, check below), you're contributions have led to improvements such as....not changing much of anything on this site. Rather, i have a good base of knowledge where this site will go from here.
Today was extreamly long. We planned out the stuff for a mob project in the Boss' class and then she passed out books (but not to me even though i did have a order in) and surpise surprise! These are the thickest books we've recieved all year, plus their text is smaller to boot. Well damn it!
i got to enjoy Bill M.'s genious play, "the complete works of Shakespear: Abridged" (Steve-o and i wanted to do a US history abridged thing for our final projects, it's kinda similar to this). Anyways, it was worth a few good laughs, and untimatly, i was spit on. Saw it with Kay and Andrea, so i was in good company. Play ended with just 3 min. left of class, so i completely missed out on my nap period..... and i would feel it later.... lunch and 3rd were average. 4th i mostly sat around and felt kinda lost for the first time really in that class. But i was really really tired so i didn't blame myslef. i half-rambled on with my "daughter", Alyse. i'm glad i've got her to talk to when i'm nt havin a great day. She's just such an easily pleased person that it makes me feel good to scratch her neck and know that i couldn't be a better person in her eyes at that very moment. i get a special high from making somebody truely happy, and it's just so hard to do lately....... especially for women. i also toutched on her love intrest today, but i don't like to pry on my "daughter"'s private life too much so i left her alone after that. Regardless, 4th period dragged on slowly untill it finally let out.
At home i worked on helpin Steve-o out with his Geomotry project. i probably could have done i little more for him, but everything worked out anyways. i went to Kelly DM's to meet aboout her senior project (that i'm part of) and that was fun. i'd go more in depth, but i don't feel like it.
as i turn to the sky,
it was all for a guy,
Augh, i'm really tired, i think i'll crash right here on the keyboard. This is going to be the best Cosmopolitan cover ever........
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Poll | |
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I see you:
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So i'm wondering one or two things and i thought i'd take a poll on them. How will i take a poll you ask? i don't realy know how to set up a fill-out form. Well, actually, i do, but there's no way for me to see results, so i think i'll just have you tell me on AIM at the screen name "SkMach2" or leave your opinions on the guestbook. Thank you for your time, this will make this journal more improved and/or more enjoyable.
Questions:
That's all that comes to me right now, any other comments or opinions or suggestions are welcome, type em up on the guestbook or email me at SkiPJiM86 |
5/10/03 | |
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So my entry was deleted for the first time last night. now i almost understand the aggrivation that most people have when that happens. But then again it's all about the pictures, so nobody would've probably noticed.
So yesterday was one of those days that kinda makes up for anything bad that's happened to you in the past wekk or so. Most of it a attribute to riding around in a convertable and listening to loud music.
Anyways, i made it out alright and enjoyed a good morning ride in a convertable with lots of wind in my face and the smooth tunes of 311 to wake me up. The breakfast was ok, i ate a banana with the peel still on it (for extra brain food) and did some last minute studying via CC's notes. Then we packed Steve-o's car and headed over to the church to take the dreaded AP test. One might note that the faculty purposly hosted the test in a church so God could hear the students' prayers better (not that that would do a guy like me a lot of good, the big man's still a little ticked off at me).
After the test me, Steve-o, Andrew, and Sweets piled into the car and headed off for lunch at McD's. Andrew and i faced off to see who could down a big mac faster. At first it looked pretty good for me, but Andrew pulled off a clever drink-till-it's-down manuver at the end and beat me by split-seconds. That man is damn good at what he does. After that we headed over to Sweets' house so she could change and lock up shop because she's being disowned for the weekend. We entertained ourselves by playing guitar, poking various objects in the house, and exploring the true wonders of a 7-person-family house (which empressed even me, dispite my personal background). Following that, we headed out to some restaurant that the rest of the IBers had already crashed. We got there and realized they had already finished and were just paying. So we took the leftovers we wanted from their plates and promptly left for some Asian store.
We made a pit stop at brusters and discussed old people and then headed over to the IB picnick. Picnick was fun, we played the Asshole song for Wolff, and just like i thought, he is a huge Denis Leary fan. Wolff's an awsome guy when he's not trying to teach. For example, the vulgar nature of the Asshole song didn't bother him at all, he would just laugh and then say "Shh!!..those mom's over there might be listening!".
We stopped at the picnick for a few more minutes and then left to take Sweets to Kay's place. After dropping her off, Steve-o and i tried to navigate our way home based off of Kay's briliant directions (which were perfectly accurate, we're just not too smart). It was fine though, we listened to Strokes and Goo-goo Dolls (not Here is gone) and had a good enough time getting home. i wanted to go to the senior one acts badly cause they were supposta be awsome and there were some really important people to me attending, but i had no ride and i had to mow the lawn for cash to use on mother's day presents anyways. Sang my heart out while mowing the lawn. i sang a lot that day, maybe i do it too much, maybe i should shut up. The rest of the day i just kinda half-assed away on the computer, contructing graphic art and wishing i still had a working microphone hooked up. It was such a relief to finally have the AP test off my shoulders, i'm not sure i can even describe how much better i felt. Later that night i took the insentive to work out a little on teh weight machine and then i crashed, in a hawian shirt, boxers, and curly hair all over the place. Today i'll sum up by saying i bought Mother's Day neccesities with David Steritt (which cleaned me out of every last bill in my wallet), rented X-men using a gift card i forgot i had so i'll be able to understand the sequel which is supposta be amazing, and watched the first half-hour of the Matrix at David's place with him and Kasey Musick. Then i came home, got some privilages revoked, got ready to babysit, cleaned a little of my room (artificial cleaning where i just take the clothes off the floor), and headed off to babysit and discussed the drug problems of this generation with the guy i'm babysitting for (it's very likely he will never hire me again now, dispite my being completely clean). i am currently babysitting and one of the kids wants me to make another milkshake for him (i guess i spoil these guys). i'll write again later. Happy Mother's Day tomorrow! |
5/07/03 | |
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You know, my life right now can be summed up by saying that i've been on a downward spiral and right now i'm just delaying another fall. i've got things that i want to say and do locked up inside of me but i know i can't act on them. Not now. Maybe not for a long time......
school was just uhh.....there today. After school i went to a thesbian meeting and sat with Kelly DM. i don't talk to her as much as i'd like to; she makes me feel happier than i really am and it just makes me wish there were more people in the world like her. I talked to Roxy too. She's such a caring person, we need way more of those around too.
On my way out of the theatre i saw Plesher standing outside with her Flag book, but not reading it of course. i figured maybe she was just as lost as i was trying to find the rest of the IBers so i went over and kinda half-talked to her for a while. She really is a nicer person than most people i know give her credit for and i like her for that. So aftr about 5 min. we set off to find the IBers, which i did pretty fast because i have a sixth sense i share with one of them that tells me her relative location and whatnot. i was a little surprised to see CC there, because i don't see her bodding very well with the rest of the IB kids very often, but i guess it wasn't much of a surprise because she was apparently one of the only ones making an honest effort to study. Let me do a short ramble on CC. i've known her since about 6th grade and ever since then she's kinda been my academic equal. She tries harder really and i think she'll go real far in life. But her personality has always seemed somewhat of an inigma to me. On one hand she seems like one of the funnest people you could hope to meet because regardless of how dire her situations might be, she can always be humorous or at least slightly optamistic about it. On the other hand, there's always been something about her that i just can't really comprehend, something that's beyond me, and that keeps her a very interesting person. All throughout middle school, and to a point, today, she's one of the most interesting people i know, and even though she's in many ways different, i can draw many paralells between her and me. And it would be that impressive if they weren't such exclusive paralells. Anyways, she's dropping out of IB i believe, a desicion i was so close to making myself, so i'd like to kinda watch her and just see where she goes from here because i think it'd be a pretty good representation of how i would've done had i dropped out. Anyways, no sooner had we found the place than Plesher had to leave. huh..... maybe she feels as uncomfortable around some of the IBers as i feel.....or maybe she just had to honestly catch her ride like she said was the case. So i get some junk food and try to take in a little knowledge, but only half successfully. Then a tornato watch is called, so to be brief about it, a couple of us moved the "study" to Stephen K.'s house.
My stay at Stephen's house was, in short, just uncomfortable to me. They're good kids, but i feel like i can only really connect with one of the ones there, and there's so many complications going on between us that i feel most uncomfortable around that particular person. Regardless, we basically forget about studying and play some guitar and sing (which i did half-heartedly) and then go play some laser tag in the basement. Stephen K's mom made some spagetti for us. And while that's one of my favorite dishes, i have to say, it's one of the most awkward foods you can eat, esspecially when you don't feel that at ease with your company to begin with. i want to get to be good friends with these people, but i just feel so apart from them in so many ways.
i got home and watched a little TV (something i very rarely do). i actually concluded that a little TV is absolutly essential to a healthy state of mind. Everybody needs some anti-reality at some point and TV just seems like the most obvious answer. Right now i'd like to deal with a lot less reality. i feel like there's not many people i can relate to right now. Maybe Stephen Simon, but he's about it. God blessed me to know that kid, and i don't know why he's been getting such a bad rap recently. Honestly, he doesn't deserve any of it. i feel not so much that i'm getting a bad rap, but i'm not getting a "rap" at all. i guess i'm feeling more and more alone. i'll be glad when this damn AP test is done. i don't think i'm going to do that well (unless i can somehow share thoughts with somebody, and what are the odds of that?). i could definatly do without the extra stress it's been causing. i think i'll go study..... |
5/06/03 | |
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Today, like most other days was not exceptional in any sense really. This week is all about the AP test. But it's good to have a academic focus i guess. At least it's healthier than what i had previously been paying attention to.
i was wondering to myself why the women i know like to make relationships like marrages and parenthood with all the guys they know. i finally concluded that it's the easy way to become attatched to the guys without having to deal with any seriousness that would accompany anything more......well......serious. It makes perfect sense once i thought about it, but at the same time, it's like a subtile way of escaping real flowering friendships in a sense. Ah well, props to them for finding fun, carefree relationship rules. i myself am "married" to one and am the "mother"(don't ask how it works) to another. i guess this also works to allow excuses to give and recieve gifts from each other more often as mother's day and anaversaries often promote something special. And come on.....who doesn't need more holidays? i know i do. So it works out pretty well in the end i guess.
They say pictures are worth a thousand words. so here's some pictures my sister took after she braided my hair into french braids (yeah, it's that long now). This has no real relavance, but maybe it's worth a laugh. i close with these pictures of yours truely in my new hairstyle
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5/05/03 | |
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i never really believed it much when people told me there were days when you just had to cry. i can't even remember the last time i cried. but today i did.
Today i just walked out into the rain, and found a place to be alone, and i just sat down, and cried. |
5/03/03 | |
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Hmmm.....Missed a day. No big deal, i didn't visit my site yesterday, and the only reason i think i do this is because i like going on the internet and going to my site and saying "who is that loser?!"
If i don't have time to do that, there's no point in it anyways!
Today was.....productive perhaps? i got the early wake up call (which bothers me imensly because i'm still only working off of 7 hours of sleep from the past 3 days.... thank you Boss paper). So i head off with my dad to wash the laviathen (i'll post a picture of the beast one day so you all have an idea of just how big she is). Well, about 5 hours later (no exageration, my dad wanted her really clean) and maybe 22 dollars later, we leave the carwash and my dad informs me i have to clean the inside (an occupation that took up much of the rest of my day). I take a short break when i get home to make some lunch and see if anybody's online. I say hey to Sweets and read a few online journals and then tune out for lunch.
Al: "Yyyyy-hello"
So she comes over with camera in hands and ask me if i have a solid color background somewhere. i make a wierd face and think for about a sec. Then i take her into the living room and make her stand against the only blank wall in the house, and then i proceed to take about 15 pictures of her hair from all angles. She promply takes the camera out of my hands, thanks me, and runs to the front door and leaves before i can figure out what happened.
i finish the Laviathen and go take a shower/bath. After the shower i make posses in front of my bathroom miror, naked, for about 45 min. I finally concluded that if it weren't for my face, i'd be pretty damn good looking.
I guess i should talk about the party last night. It was a rather sobering experience (of course it was sobering, it was an IB party). In all honesty, i look at it and think, what's not to like? i got to dance in the rain, i got to sit in the rain, i got to sing in the rain, i got to take off articles of clothing...in the rain, i got to think... in the rain I've noticed that it rains at almost every party i go to. i think it's a kind of gift because i seem to appreciate everything more when it's raining. And i love getting wet. Still the party was not all fun and games (even if that was most of it). The only problem i can really name? Well it's that i had such mixed feelings all night. i sat outside with Kay for a while, and strangly enough, didn't feel inclined to make anything of it. i'm not really sure why, other than i'm probably still not over somebody. i feel like an idiot and a jerk for still subconciously having that block there. It's not fair to Kay. But at the same time, i think it may be because i'm just trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. i don't let on much, but i'm still a mess and even though i've been doing my best to clean it up, i haven't been very successful. So the only thing i guess i know how to do is just "live alone" so to speak. Either way, it was still good to sit out there and think, and Kay sure is a great person to reflect with. Later that night Steve-o and i stole the guitar from several much-more-able, but perhaps not-as-willing artist and held a mini concert at several different times. i was a little hindered by the fact that band practice several days earlier had left me unable to sing to my full potential, but i don't think we did bad by any means, and those kids didn't seem to mind when my voice cracked every now and then. Most of them were singing along anyways. One of them had a shockingly amazing voice. Those kids never fail to impress me sometimes. perhaps the most notable of these songs was Steve-o and my performance of "the asshole song" (our signature party song) for the first time using an acustic guitar, and also for the smallest audience we've had yet (2 people). We've done better, but i think they enjoyed it a lot anyways, and that's all that matters to me. My oldest-little bro wants to show me this crazy new TV show, so i guess i'll end it here. Study hard this week kids! |
5/01/03 | |
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Ok, i've been thinking about it for a while, and i've finally decided on my theory as to how the dinosaurs became extinct.
Now, dinosaurs had very slow nerve impulses, so if they were cut or burned or anything, they wouldn't feel it untill hours or days afterwards; their brains were just that small....bearing this in mind, imagine T-rex and stegasaurus get in a fight one day (as dinosaurs so often do, you know, the whole food deal...). Now these guys can really go at it because Steggy doesn't feel it when T. bites off his tail and T. doesn't feel it when Steggy impales him through his left arm. Now we're just going to imagine T. wins this one because he seems to be a favorite of many people. Great, he still doesn't feel his very intense battle scars! About 7 hours later T. has a full stomach and decides to celebrate with his girlfriend. Scratch comes to bite and bite comes to roar, and pretty soon, T. and his girl are getting really intimate. Here's where the problem arises. As T. is doing his business the nerve endings from his previous fight finally reach his brain. He stops everything he's doing and yells and roars in agony. His girlfriend is shocked because she thinks this is his way of saying it's bad sex. She slaps his face (leaving a bad mark), takes the keys back to her apartment, and leaves to go tell her other friends what an insensitive jerk T. is. This process repeats itself untill all female dinosaurs are completely pissed off with the male dinosaurs and refuse to make love to them. The herbavores have the same problem when they succeed in fights and start to only half-try when they are defending themselves againts their opponents as an alturnative to life without intimacy. So all dinos begin to die out at increased rates due to indefinatly unsatasfied sex drives, and because they have no kids, this becomes an extinction. Extinction by Sex-Deprivation.
Alright, i know that first part doesn't pertain to me directly, but it's a thoery i felt i just had to share. i blelieve you'll find it more believable than some meteor or something. My day was slightly above mediocre. It was really hot for starters, and because of the humidity and heat, my hair grew into a fro; some like it like that, some don't. Bottom line is, fros hold heat in better, so it just made things a little less comfortable to me. What i wouldn't have given to ride around in a convertable as i took my academic classes in stead of sitting in poorly cooled classrooms with no windows.
Advismet was today, so after arriving at my 2nd period class, looking around, and scratching my head for a few sec.s i whispered "shit" under my breath and took off running across campus to get to my advisment class.
Seniors were gone from 2nd because they were getting a PDA talk or something, i dunno. So i accomplished even less than i normally do in that class.
Lunch was pretty good; sometimes i have to stop and wonder what's really going on in Taylors mind, because she can't possibly be as clueless as she leads me to believe sometimes. I did my part to promote nice guyness today: Curly had a quarter on her and i wanted to get fries (because the shaky-handed lady was serving today, and she always gives you more bang for your buck......you know what i mean.... more fries...) but i didn't want to break change out of a dollar, so i asked for the quarter. Curly tossed it over without a second thought in a simple act of kindness, despite Taylor's objections asking what i've ever done for Curly. Burly didn't expect anything though, just enforcing nice-guy-ness. So i break a 5 and use the quarter to get back 4 ones. Later, Curly realized she wanted to get an icecream but she had lent the only money she had (25 cents) to me and needed 60 cents for her endevor. She asked around and i ripped out one of my bills and gave it to her.
Web Page Design was horrible. There's no venilation in the classroom and not even a window to sooth the intense heat. Just plain discomfort and minus 10 points off my test for the day because the teacher's an ass. Ah well, What are ya gunna do? The only thing that REALLY dissapoints me is that my pen-pal has stopped writting me back for whatever her reasons are. *sigh* well, i'm sure she's really busy... The rest of the day ran out nicely. Once this huge project in Geomotry is done i might actually start looking forward to the class (if Coley would finally have that baby that's causing him to be so anal all the time, that'd be great too). Saw Kelly DM on the way out of school, which was good cause she's just an awsome person so see every now and then. Reminded me i need to start taking a few more bike rides. On my way to the bus in the rain (i love rain) i stopped one of my older friends and we had a good 5-min. conversation, which toped off the day as pretty good. Well now i've got a swampload of work to do for the night, so i'm going to try to actually knock it out early tonight so i can catch a few more, much-needed Z's. Seniors Plays are happening now. Go catch em if you can! Al signing out- |
4/30/03 | |
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Current mood:
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Today was a pretty redeeming day, i made big progress in my previously mentioned problems. The progress could very easily be erased, but it's still progress. I'm rebuilding everything, dispite a lot of hinderance. I feel like some of my newer friends are contributing to this greatly. They really aren't new friends, but i'm learning to connect to aquantances more lately.
I also started looking at my whole bad experience as something not so bad, but something i needed. i have to admit, it got me out of a shell i was in and it was great while it lasted. i'd say it outwieghs the repurcusions thus far. i gotta learn to deal with this kinda shit sooner or later and i'm glad i got it done and that i had such a good person do it with me. It could have been much worse. Today was a day of appreciation for my own little imperfections. i failed to comfront somethings today, but instead of just forgeting about it, i went and talked to somebody (somebody not very likely) and expressed my frustration with my IB decision and what her take on it was, which made a lot sense. Sometimes people surprise you with how insightful they are. I reevaluated why i was letting myself decay over trivial problems and pretty much gained a new respect for somebody. I renounce my idea that thinking about things always leads to something bad (although i still believe thinking hardly gets you anywhere usually). early release! and what a release it was! Go home, get stuff, head off to band practice. When you're a vocalist for a group of heavy rockers, it's kinda degrading, mostly cause you can't hear yourself because amps don't boost vocals much. but once one of the louder guitarist left, i enjoyed some vocal cracking lust. sure beats regular lust thats for sure. This also let out a lot of frustration. When everything's so loud, i can say anything i want in my lyrics pubicly without worrying about anybody hearing them. It's as good as venting gets. I'm a new person.
home again home again. My sister notes that once i got inside something crawled out of my hair and flew away....... maybe this is an indication i need to get a trim up? i dunno? i'll start a poll.
that's about it for today. Other than Boss paper and Wolff AP test that is killing me, but nobody needs to hear that. oh wait.......last note......i took a test to see if i would get into heaven at this point in my life.........i was damned to the 8th level of Hell.......i thought there were only 7 levels to begin with. ah well, read the results below. |
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Moderate |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Low |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Very Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Moderate |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
4/29/03 | |
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Current mood:
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So i guess i've been fooling myself for the past week or so. Look at my fake smiles and my denial. i came to realize that the idea of these online journals is to express what's really going on with you, but i really didn't want to. Maybe this was a bad idea from the start for me. i'm not a person who is suppose to write down what is going on under some act i'm putting on. i recall criticizing people for hiding feelings before, and at the time, i was true to my expression, but about a week ago something happened that threw me completely off everything i've known how to deal with.
In the big picture of things, i guess this event wasn't so big. But relative to somebody like me, it left me really lost. Basically, i've been a very reserved person when it comes to any kind of romantic issue all my life. Sure i've gone to dances with girls, and i've played spin the bottle, and lots of trivial shit before, but i've.....always been swayed away from anything intimate before. and about a month ago that changed for the first time for me i guess. I don't know exactly what made that happen, but it was so new and i felt a bonding that i've never experienced before, and there was a trigger point to this feeling, but it was building regardless. and so for a few weeks i engulfed in this new world so to speak. And i didn't explore it very intently, but the simple fact that i was in it left me without words.
So then i was left with my original world. And while i use to be happy with it, and i tried so hard to be happy with it again, there was another new feeling that crept over me. An emptiness of sorts. And i discovered that because of this other worldly experience i had, it unlocked a dormant part of me that longed to be filled. So i struggled with it, i tried to ignore this feeling, i tried to redirect it, i tried to kill it. But i realize its a part of me now, and there's no getting rid of it, and it might take more time before i can get it under control again. In the meantime i've committed perhaps one of my worst acts of this year in my eyes. Somebody came to me, expecting me to help them enter their new world..... and i shut it down on them before they could even enter it. In so many ways, i did the same thing the object of my attention did to me a week ago. And i hate myself for it. i became a manifestation of hypocrisy and bitterness that i've struggled to get out from under this past week. And this was only a minor distraction to me from my empty longing. I was still in denial, i was still grinning and smiling at everybody while i ate away at myself. and in so many ways, i still am, because i still don't have any of this under control. i'd write this all more bluntly, but i'd delete it. Nobody can read it. All i have left to drive my focus now to keep trying to redeem this all. i don't believe i can, i only tell myself i can so i can function.
I realize there are some things one can say and do that have permanant repercussions......
you have to try....... |
4/28/03 | |
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Current mood:
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Woah! feelin good feelin fine! Things went pretty good today by my expectations nowadays anyways...
woke up in time to shower this morning, which NEVER happens, unfortionatly i didn't get to take advantage of that. You see, my aunt had just come to visit us randomly from WI yesterday and she spent the night downstairs (she later informed me she heard my last night singing concert that i have a habit of doing all the time [she loved it by the way]). So i go in my bathroom and the shower's on. Keep in mind i didn't even know she stayed the night. So i'm wondering to myself who would come in and use my shower this early. I thought maybe Kelly Doyle Mace's shower broke down, but then, she wouldn't be up this early. Anyways, my Aunt calls out from the shower "JUST GO ABOUT YOUR STUFF! DON'T MIND ME".
i thaught myself some Spanish during Wolff's class and i think he made fun of my 5'o'clock shadow again, but i wasn't really paying attention. Too busy pondering ways to pick up my free McD's breakfast when the day comes and rocking out in my head dispite not being fully awake.
Got an 80 on a Econ test today because i thought people had lawns to mow in rural areas.....but no! They have fields, not lawns. Eh, crashed for the rest of that class. In Web Design i actually worked on stuff as my teacher played jokes on the students. What an Ass. i usually write an e-mail in there or something, but i somehow found my time eroded away fast today, so i skipped out. Math was mediocre. Chris never fails to make me roll my eyes and Coley was being anal, yet toleratable today. That Matt Saint kid seems to have this thing with tennis balls. So i watched Alyse and Sweets in their stuggles against Matt the tyrant most of the class, and sometimes commented on POT or "Ignorance being bliss"(check it outhere ). Ultamatly that class ended and i headed off to an IB meeting where we learned to bubble (i'm horrible at it). Thanks to Kelsey for providing a standard of test-filling-out for me. Kelly DM made an appearance and sang "go fly a kite" with me for a while. Reminded me that i have a duet to worry about later, but i won't loose my head over it, we still need to get a song to sing.
checked the auditorium to help with the dance floor, but people were done and gone, so i went to Wolff's study session where i proceeded to fall asleep and wear sunglasses (which bothered him). This girl in front of me was particularly upset at my lack of effort, btu didn't voice it much. When i fell asleep, i still have my guitar pick in my mouth from chewing on it, and i choked on it. If Wolff ever liked me before, he doesn't now.
Called for ride home. Hung out with Stephen and Sweets for a few min. I mistakenly saw a beautiful image of somebody with a sunlit lining, which is now stuck in my head. i can already tell this'll come back to haunt me. I later went over to the other IBers and sat on a high peak atop a statue in front of our school and asked for aid or acceptance in the IB clique.
gotta head off to Steve-o's to rock out some minor frustration (from all different places). See ya next time Kids! |
4/27/03 | |
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Current mood:
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i can already tell that this is going to be one of those days that i just don't bother putting a shirt on. Why bother? i have about 12 hours to do a month's worth of school work........but i'll pace myself...
So, what's been going on this weekend? Dance Co. concert has been a relative success, and even if it wasn't, it was a lot of fun and provided lots of good junk food (i would like to point out the Kelsey makes the best cookies ever). Thanks to everyone who came and enjoyed it (especially Kay, who came both open nights....she's getting paid by somebody, i know it). Next year i've decided i want to coreograph a dance......wait.....here is no next year.....damn.....
Billy's party following the Friday night lack-of-performance (a la tornato warning) was a blast. i'm not going to mention too many particular events, but suffice to say Steve-o and i snaged one of the biggest highlights of the night with our public performance of "The Asshole Song". i think everybody at the party took a few minutes off to stop and watch, so it was a great rush and the fact that most of our audience was drunk just boosted up the entertainment value. Twas great.
Yesterday the dance crew headed out to Steak'n'Shake and i skipped out on paying the restuarant. The reason for this being that they never brought me my check, so i did what was right and asked them for one anyways so i could pay anyways (even though i know some girl sitting across the table from me was probably just like "Damn! that kid's sexy! i'm gunna pay for his milkshake!" so that's why i never recieved the check). So i get another check (apparently i could've bought 2 milkshakes for the price of 1 at this point) and go to the register to pay......and i wait...and i ask for somebody to come to the register so i can pay, but they blow me off. So i just decided if it wasn't important to them, i wasn't going to worry about it cause i could've just as easily walked out without paying anyways. So i just left with Joel to crash at David's for the night.
David's place was pretty fun, mostly we just played guitars and discussed how the Donatello was the wimpiest link out of the four ninja turtles (Joel cared to argue in Donatello's defence, but come on......the guy's weapon was a stick). i ended up agreeing that my personal favorite (Rapheal: the red one) was actually the weakest link because he's just an asshole and is only valuable for his fighting skills. Then i babbled as i fell asleep, probably personal things or just asshole comments cause that's what i usually say when i'm falling alseep on myself, but what the hell. Not like either of those two guys were that awake either.
So at church i spent the first 15 min, grining my teeth at the gospel songs we had to sing. As Joel so simply put it: "almost all gospel music, with a few exceptions, is shit, crap just isn't a strong enough word for it". i also contemplated driving a nail into the "praise team" lead singer's head.
So i went home and now i really need to get on this month-load of IB work that was assigned over the weekend. Kinda ironic how i made my desicion to stay in just as i'm hitting rock bottom in my IB experiences. Aaannddd scene! |
4/25/03 | |
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Current mood:
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So i'm starting an online journal. None of the sites that help you out with this stuff would except me, so i had to make this from scratch. Sorry if it's less than impressive.
i'm kinda doing myself a disservice because i decided to pick up this habit during a pretty rough time in life, so it would make sense if these entries are a little depressing for the next few days. But then, i guess i'm doing this for the same reason everybody else does, and that's to pretty much vent everything bothing me on this journal for everybody to see and hope it makes me feel better. So cheers to me keeping this relativly updated for anybody who cares about reading it! |
