The Nowhere Spiral

Recent Journal Posts

Entries from 4/25/03 - 6/14/03

2/16/04

Current mood:

Wouldn't it be great if i could really make some new beginnings right now.... unfortunately i haven't caught up to my life yet. It's like i'm being dragged along by a rope; the rope that sets the standard for just how unprepared i can be for everything. God, what i'd give to just be where i'm supposta be in every aspect of my life right now. Isn't it great that i can even imagine the concept of being ahead? Man i'm probably confusing you guys. Obviously part of what i'm talking about it grades and academic classes. But also my dances, songs, social life, relationships, family, sleep, ideas, long-term goals; just about any aspect i can think of. Summertime seems to reset it all for me (it resets it for a lot of people) and it allows me a fresh start. i LOVE fresh starts (and i don't use that term lightly very often). That may be why moving around when i'm older seems like such an appealing thing to me; every time you move to someplace new, nobody knows a thing about you, you're just as creditable as the next guy, your pros and cons are completely unknown, you can make yourself as successful or as degraded as you decide to be. What would i do if i couldn't start over? (By and by, i got a haircut today.) I'm sure you're all familiar with the term "having to dig yourself out of a hole" be it trying to restore your "A" average, getting your girlfriend to like you again after things being boring, or winning back the trust of a good friend you betrayed (willingly or otherwise). That's not how my life tends to work however: Imagine, if you will, that my life has an endless set of planes, one below the other. Now, when i fall into a hole, i don't usually dig myself out of it. Rather, i look around and realize that except for the aspect at which i have failed, nearly everything on this new plane of my life is the same. So i forget my unfortunate mishap and continue on this new plane until i fall into another hole and wake up on yet another, lower, plane of life (still virtually the same). That new plane is my fresh start. Everything previous to that point becomes trivial and i'm allowed to start over completely. That's just great for a while. But eventually i'll come to a hole that doesn't have a new plane in and of itself. I'll just be stuck and sinking. And since i haven't built my ability to escape these holes since it's never been essential to me, i'll just keep sinking deeper and deeper. There will be a day when that happens to me. I don't know when it will be, or what it is the "hole" actually is, but i know it's coming, and it scares me desperately.... Hence, you can see why my way of living is flawed. I look to new beginnings when i can't fix what's wrong with my life; when i've fallen behind. And i've fallen to so many lower planes in my life that when i look up to see where i started, i realize nothing but a whole lot of climbing is going to get me to where i truly need to be. So the sad truth is that i can't just cut my hair, shave my face, and think that things will work out simply because people's standards for me have dropped. I have so much i need to resolve in my life. And it's not just for myself anymore....... comment

2/5/04

Current mood:

Well i had fully intended to write a real bulky summary of my life over the past month or so, but it's late and i have to leave for Thespian Conference tomorrow, so i'll just hit the real highlights and then catch some real Z's. The highlights here being: it was Tyler's birthday last monday. It's Jan's birthday today. That takes care of 2 out of 3 of the IBDKs in less than a week. Little too convinient wouldn't you think? Anyways, if you run into them, give them some birthday cheer and...... do long division or something! That last thing wasn't really a highlight, the thing that's really important to me is as follows: This journal's anniversary is comming up, and it behooved me to look back on it nearly a year ago. i was a pretty radical, semi-depressed kid during many of those entries, including the very first, in which i stated that i thought it was a bad time to even actually start the journal. It's quite obvious what was bothering me when i started it and continued to throw me into emotional fits for several months following was the fact that, not long before the creation of this journal, i had lost any kind of romantic standings with Jayme. Now, not much less than a year later, something great happened; and all of a sudden, i have Jayme back, and things are going a hundred times better then i think they ever went a year ago. She makes me feel whole again in a way that i didn't even know i felt empty. Truely, i can't see anything of bigger impact or more positive influence happening to me for a long time. i've missed you Sweets. Well, that was probably pushing the envalope on how personal this journal gets. You guys see my deep thoughts quite often (relative to how often i post now), so i thought you might not mind me expressing my enthusiasm there. Hmm.... like i said, i didn't intend for this to be a very long entry. So there's only two more things i would like to point out. 1. i have decided to make a new option available to all you readers who simply enjoy the mood pictures rather than the actual entry (because i know there's a lot of you). From this entry forth, clicking the mood picture will allow you to see the image in it's full size. Nothing really fancy, but great for those of you who like to either get up close and personal with me, or just have a thing for higher resolution pictures. 2. It's my brithday on the 24th of Feb. Just so you all know it. It's been fun kids! i'll give you a real entry worth reading hopefully before the 9th. comment

1/9/04
Current mood:	It's a new year and i am minutes from being outside of my deadline. So as a special treat i put together a summary of my trip to WI via a comic strip. i hope you all enjoy it. click the link to view it and make sure to blow it up to it's full size. My trip to WI comment

12/09/03

Current mood:

First question is probably "why is this entry red Al?". It's red cause i didn't feel like blue, and red just seems to be more "AL" than blue. Most people would say i'm more green than either of those, but green didn't seem to be appropriate. What do you think? Do you think i'm more of a red, blue, or green character? i feel guilty for not having come back to this journal, i would've done several entries over thanksgiving vacation, but i was in Pensacola, FL. i'll do a quick summary on that: Thanksgiving break comes, i'm excited to finally get some time off to sleep all day and drink root beer and just blow off all the IB work (moreover, just forget about IB). Well, my parents inform me that we've got a family reunion planned over the break, and that means two full days crammed in the van with them and then the rest of the break away from home. Suffice to say i accomplished the "forget IB" plan to a certain extent because i was too busy entertaining my cousins and spending good family time with....well, my family. None of that is to say i didn't have a good time, but after i got back i definatly felt like i had put in enough time with the family to last for months. So today i find out we get to leave for most of Christmas break too! Wow.... i'm so.....thrilled. It's gunna be worth it, but mostly due to me getting my snowmobile license and getting in two full days of snowboarding (an occupation i've longed for ever since i've last left a place with snow). i'm just getting tired of vacations and i want breaks instead. You leave somewhere for a vacation, you relax at home for a break. On another note, i've discovered that we won't be leaving till the 26th, so that means that i'll be able to keep to my idea of doing the ever popular AL's Advent Christmas e-mails that just enhance every one of the twelve days of Christmas. If you want to be a part of the fun this year and i don't have your e-mail address then you especially need to leave a comment on this journal entry that will either have a somewhat meaningful message to me or make me laugh and you can slip your e-mail address in there too. If you don't ammuse me, i might not bother adding you to the list. That's just for people i don't have the addresses to though, everybody else should be good to go. Trust me, you'll enjoy them at least a little bit. I finally knocked out all the Physics makeup work. So now if i can just gain a sudden appreciation for RoN and buy into History, i'll be pretty set for the rest of the semester granted i don't allow myself to royally screw up for the next two weeks. If that means letting an advent letter or two slide, i trust everybody will bear with me (as they only totaled 4 last year). Dance Co. put on a performance for the school yesterday and it was received surprisingly well despite the areas it was ....errrr.... wanting in. We just killed an hour trying to reestablish ourselves tonight after school. Seems some people are finally realizing that, even though not many people seemed to like her, Dr. Walden was doubtlessly an ideal person to head off the Co. i personally liked DW. Sure she was a nutcase, and had a rather disagreeable personality, but she was talented in her area and had a way of getting things done her way that never seemed to offend me at least. Madame B. couldn't restrain tears when they questioned if we wanted different sponsors. All the girls seem to have good intentions, but some of them seem a little short sighted on how to keep the Dance Co. afloat. Granted, they know more about dance than i do, but i can recognize an increasingly unstable group when i see one. I don't want to drop dance at all, but the environment there is so different from how it use to be. I would have never imagined the day when the Dance Co. became more drama-esq than the DKs (Drama Kids). Improv has always been my one after school activity that has always remained light-hearted and upbeat (if you exclude MoDNiArE). We get to put on our first public show this Sat. at 7 'o'clock. At a measly $4 a pop, you'd have to be a real shmuck to miss out on this one. The Improv troop continues to be something i look forward to with great anticipation every week now. Perhaps even more so recently for reasons (dare i say?) undisclosed (although if you know me you can probably take a pretty good shot at what that reason is). It is my opinion that everyone should hop up onstage every now and then in life and just spew off some comic scenes off the top of their heads. It does wonders for your health. Last Night of Ballyhoo..... What's there to say about it? It's a hassle to set up and take down thus far, but nothing that makes you cringe. It's going to turn out to be a brilliant little farce. I'm getting especially excited to see my friends Ashley, Jan, and Steve-o shine in it. Especially Jan. In fact.... i think i'll do a brief little rant on Jan: Jan is a character that i have a great amount of admiration for. He, along with Tyler and myself, make up the IBDKs of the class of 2003. Of the three of us, Tyler might have the grades to establish himself the most, but Jan undoubtedly keeps his cool better than either of us. That kid has talent that hasn't been really tapped into much this year, and i admire his patience and persistence in that respect. He is too modest to see himself as a lady killer, but in all truth, he has nearly all the aspects any girl could be looking for and i don't say that strictly based on my opinion (there's a woodwork full of them that would apparently love to get their mitts on him). Perhaps most admirable is Jan's open-mindedness. This is a guy that won't discard anybody else's ideas without a fair trial. If a gay man were to confess his love to Jan, Jan would probably consider it a compliment or flattery while not being shaken in his self-confidence of his sexuality (i know it's a wierd example, but it was the best one i could think of to demonstrate Jan's thoughtfulness, and certainly one that goes against how most people would react). Sharing many of the same flaws and gifts i have, i find Jan is among one of my most valuable friends.......oh yeah, and he's bilingual. Don't you guys get mad at me that i don't do shpeals on every one of you, i do em when i feel like it and that one was very deserving. Money: money is a problem. As i'm sure you all are also feeling the strain of the holidy season on your shoulders, i'm continually having trouble scrapping together the funds to do Christmas right this year. There are many people to get gifts for (whether i buy time to make the gifts or simply shell out the bucks) and in some cases, i'm very sure i will fall short of the giving Santa character i strive to be around this time of year. For example, i owe my best buddy, Steve-o, two gifts as of now, With Christmas approaching and his birthday present of months past having never been mailed here. As i'm sure it'll never come, i can state on here that i got a vinyl record of Rage Against the Machine's hits signed by all members of the band for a hefty 50 smackers on e-bay. It simply never came, but the check was also never apparently cashed, so i guess i don't feel too bad. Just gotta spend more time doing some creative thinking on the topic of presents for everybody. Well i don't want to blow all the good writing material on one entry, so i'll end it here. Before i do though, i have to give recognition to Stephanie Newman, who was the person to break the quota of demands i needed to update in the first place. More Feedback-more updates (especially with this break/vacation coming up). Happy Kwanza! comment

11/11/03

Current mood:

First thing's first: We kicked Central's ass for the first and last time! WE WON ONE-ACTS! 54:38!! WE'RE GOING TO STATE!!! and you know what else that means? i can completely block out everything else for another week. Maybe it's not healthy, maybe it's neglectful, maybe it's just an easy way for me to avoid what i know i can't have anyways, but it is just so simple to drown out everything else for this play. i'll get nailed for taking this easy way out sooner or later, but for the time being, it's almost satisfying. Hope this doesn't hit me too hard once State's over. Michelle and i decided we're related somehow, the hair is just too much of a giveaway. Check her journal for the weekly list of bannings. i think she's just a little ahead of me as far as GHP goes. i went to one-acts with the idea that i would pick two monologues that i liked from the various plays i would see that that'd be my auditioning material. Tyler might be able to provide me with another option, but i guess i shouldn't count on it. Unfortunately i don't see myself going too far in GHP, there simply wasn't the energy to exhaust on good preparation for it. This last Sunday i went to Perimeter Church instead of my usual Midway (cause my parents said "hey! that's close" when we moved here). This Place down at Perimeter is like the Taj Mahall (check the spelling). Essentially, they've got 3 churches, a gym, a school, a library, a bookstore, a pizza hut, a lounge lobby, a swimming pool, a throne room (although Jesus isn't in much, busy man), an amusement park, a Starbucks, a museum, an exploration zone, a pawn shop, a mini-neighborhood......scratch that, a complete neighborhood, and a KFC all build into one building. Think you could live there comfortably for the rest of your life? yeah.........probably. Anyways, the service there was way more compelling than my usual, despite the fact that when i looked around, lots of kids were sitting there with jaded looks on their faces. Too much of a good thing i guess? It was a refreshing experience with God that i admit i have been missing for a while now. Becky was supposta introduce me to a Ryan kid who was gunna be there (i was kinda anxious to meet him too), but things got slippery and that never happened. i made up for this by meeting a few new people at the church, and getting to know some acquaintances better. Specifically, i got to hang out a little bit with this Kaple kid. Nice guy, and he's got a lot of talent to back up his presence, so it'd be fun to see him around a little more. i can't really express how good it is to get some fresh faces, and i think the Perimeter Church was just what i needed for that. School's kinda eluded me big time ever since Dracula's Tech rehearsal week. Every weekday i wake up and wonder where i'm going and why. It's disappointing in many ways because i use to be such a good student. i can't seem to prioritize the right way yet. But it's a skill that comes in time i suppose and i'm more than happy to wait a little longer for it. With any luck and a little willpower, i can pull up to where i'm supposta be and at least maintain that. Finally, i gotta give a more personalized congrats to Tyler Jones for Best supporting Actor, Lee Smith for Best supporting Actress, Ashley Klanac for Best Actress, and my best friend Steve-o Simon for getting on the ALL STAR FUCKIN CAST. We hear now that Joel was scheduled to also make the all star cast, but there was a mix-up. i respect Joel in that he knows his accomplishment and that fills him, much like me. He also did an amazing job (i know this cause i heard it while looking at the Cyc). Thanks to Becky for the eye-candy on the cyc throughout the show and Robert for the patience to work with Denney's sound readjustments. Finally to the amazing machine that is our stage crew, who methodically dominated our set off the stage with 22 seconds to go dammit!!! i think that's everyone, or everyone who'll care what i write on this thing anyways..... i didn't win any award per-ce but.. If there were an award for scariest bad-ass on stage i think i just might've taken it. That's it kids, i'm in too good a mood to mention girls and relationships, so forget about it, this is where the entry ends! comment

11/04/03

Current mood:

Well, Summertree is eating away the time again. One-acts will be this Saturday and according to the feedback we received from two experienced directors today, we hold a pretty strong standing in the competition. i'm excited to perform not only because i just love acting, but because i think i've finally come to the sobering realization of how rich a small supporting character can be. It's awful to say i guess, but i think, on more levels than one, i've connected to this soldier that is jaded to humanity. Sick as it might seem, i know what it's like to be unresponsive to the whirl of love, passion, loss, and regret that plagues everyone consistently. i'm afraid i have had several experiences when i have allowed myself to build up people in my mind. This has always been, and will always be, a destructive habit of my subconscious. i recall one kid, Paul Chatham, that i have a particularly rose-tinted memory of. However, his memory doesn't bother me like these other two i have in mind because i think, deep down, i am satisfied to build him up because i know that i'll never see him again. Who are the other two you might ask? Well, the first of those two is Kelly Doyle Mace. This girl became my idol throughout my freshman and sophomore year in high school. Now i don't try to fool myself, i recognize that even she has flaws and that it is very much a sin on my part to think otherwise of her; but i guess loosing familiarity with somebody would cause anyone to allow themselves to deify or destroy the departed. i had meant to write Kelly consistently at her college dorm, but i underestimated everything i would be undertaking this year and hence, i may have lost my means. Dare i to hope against hope that after Summertree is over i will rediscover the time to write again. They will write again... The final object of my exaggerated greatness i choose to leave unmentioned, as i believe i have spoken of her too much as it is (both here and to myself). i suppose this might also be typical of any girl a guy grows feelings for, but i have not been without my fair share of emotional longing for somebody, and yet, i admit i have never really found myself having to constantly remind myself to hold down my imagery of somebody since this journal started (waayyy back when, March i think), and previous to that i had never been inclined to entertain my want for passion to this extent. There's something horrible about somebody you routinely decide to give up on, yet never do. And it seems like all odds are set against me ever making a real advance with this girl. Time, friends, and the one-sidedness of the feeling will not allow for it. Not now... but there and again. You always have to try, and sometimes i just don't know when to give up. And to that girl i have to say this: You may be a pursuer, but i follow you. Whether you catch what you pursue, or give up the chase, i am always eager to catch you. i know that you will never tire from your chase enough to not escape me, but be that as it may, i want only for you to know that i am cursed with a vitality that will not allow me to break down. And i will always be just paces behind you if you ever decide to be caught. comment

10/23/03

Current mood:

Ahh, life is beautiful. It seems like i appologize at the begining of every monthly update, so i think i'm going to skip that this time (just to shake things up a bit). Lots has happened in the past month so i'm just gunna have to hit some of the highlights (not all of them, mind you, just a few, i might even leave out the most important ones simply because they slipped my mind). Let's get going (Summertree line): IB work has become increasingly intertwined into extra-cericulars over the past 3 weeks and it has made it very hard to juggle all these things that i'm commited to. Right now i'd have to say Danco Co. is suffering the worst from this, not really due to the ridiculous workload, but rather just to poorly laid-out dates. Currently, Summertree is being performed and will take a little more of a back burner once it's finished and we start cutting it for one-acts. Dracula will be next week, and that means double the frustration with the IB workload, but i enjoy the play and love the company around me there, so it's a refreshing enviornment. Show Chorus is supposta be intertwined in there somewhere because we have a performance on Nov. 1st, but that just looks really hard (poor Ms. Gibbs, she tries so hard too). Essentially that'll be 3 things knocked out of the way for the begining of November so maybe i'll get the chance to get back on my feet then. Dance Co. and GHP will get a lot more of my time after that (and IB work, but that goes without saying i think). i'm very decided on taking up a moderate workout plan that month too, as recently my cardiac health has been very neglected (if i were any less fit before all this extra-cerricular stuff started happening, i'd be in big trouble right now). i hinted at GHP, that is to say that i got excepted at a school level *twirls fingers in the air* and i recieved a packet of info that i was supposta fill out last weekend i believe, but that was forgoten and i'm hoping i can turn it in before the week's up. Once i get that out of the way, i'll have to select a two monologues that showcase my ability in acting to the two furthest extreems of the area. It'll be a pain to pick them out but i think i'll enjoy working on them once i've got them. i'm at a bit of a conflict if i actually make it all the way to state (an unlikely event, but still) in that i wouldn't be able to go to NYC this summer and i'd also loose many other oppurtunities. Michelle Harding is kinda dealing with the same conflict, so i think we'll end up seeking each other's council and still not getting anywhere. Speaking of Michelle, she's accompanied Stephen and i on several outings this past month (natuarally because she is Steve-o's recent romantic intrest), and those have always turned out fun as our group generally grows to encompass Stephanie Wolfgang, Nicki, and/or (if i'm really lucky) Becky. Those outings have been especially revitalizing to me and i can't help but wish i had more time for them. Most recently there was a small get-together (i'm gunna go out on a limb and call it a "party" because there were hot dogs and marshmellows to be roasted) in my nieghborhood. Becky was kind enough to call me and invite me to come dance in the street with the rest of the kids. So, since my bike is still totaled, i ran across the neighborhood to the place where i heard the music and saw the lights. Very envigorating, it was like a mini-marathon. Anyways, it was nice seeing Becky, Stephanie, Alex, Maria, Lauren, Taylor, etc. in such a local setting. I gave a big welcome-to-the-neighborhood greeting to Kennedy's mom (as i gathered they had just recently moved here) and i think i'm on the right foot to make some more local friends (something that never hurts). Ah, the pleasures of dancing in the street, basking in beauty, and warming new homes. Perhaps my biggest point that i've failed to refer to so far is Homecomming, which is a mere 2 days away now. i am unbelievably excited in spite of my poor preperation. i'm running to lunch tomorrow to insure that i get the tickets needed and i'm crossing my fingers that i can magically whip up some snazy-looking fatigues for the dance. i can't help but wonder if Becky shares my enthusiasm. It worries me that i know i'm not really her ideal kind of guy because i think she deserves whatever it is she's set her heart to, but that doesn't stop my admiration for her. Regardless of what my intentions were or how they've changed, one thing is certain to me: that i am increadably lucky to be able to take Becky to homecomming. i'm looking forward to an excellent weekend; and that's enough to make me smile tonight.

9/26/03

Current mood:

So i think to myself, "updating twice a month isn't bad, it's better than you've been doing right?" forgive me if this is a bit more brief than i'd like it to be; you see, my left index finger is burnt and i'm living with pain every time i use it. How did that happen? Well, i'd tell you but it's a long story....but that's kinda what this journal's for anyways, so i'll go ahead and give you the events leading up to a burnt finger while i type out my life story. convinient, no? i was standing in a parking lot at the Olive Garden with a group of about 12 people after an enjoyable dinner in celebration of Stephanie Douglass' 17th birthday, and somebody (naturally) started playing with fire. Now when i was little i was somewhat of a pyromaniac, but i have since been over it. Nevertheless, when people start lighting matches for no reason i can't seem to keep a level line of thinking. I get a match and light it, and i have this bright idea right? i'm going to lick my fingers and put out the light by squeezing my moist fingers around the fire. Done it a million times before on candles, why shouldn't it work for a match? Well, as you probably guessed, that didn't go over so well and i ended up with a second degree burn that since became a blister and then just essentially a hole in my finger. i am a stupid teenage guy, but this hardly falls under the genre of the poor choices you would expect from a teenager, maybe an 8-year-old kid. A real teenagers poor choice would be drinking too much at a party, challenging an overwhelming authority, or messing up a relationship with a girl. But no, Al burns his hands. Augh! i like to think of myself as fairly mature, but at the same time, i am such a little kid. Blame the home envionment.... Dracula is the topic circling my mind at this point. You see, i am involved in a community theatre play now. i just walked into a rehersal and they assigned me a role. that's 3 roles i now have that i feel i didn't really earn. Granted, none of them are very big, so i don't feel as though i'm taking unfairly away from anybody, but i still feel like i haven't earned my hoby. Either way, i love Dracula, it's a compilation of some of my favorite people; Becky, Joel, Lee (girl-lee... girly..gir..oh forget it), Steve-o, Jan, Tyler, Kendal, Allison, etc. what an ideal blend......for the most part anyways. And as Vampires go, i've pretty much concieved a halloween costume. Either a Vampire, or a trademark demon-hunter. Most likely a cross between the two, just to add my own toutch of originallity. How kool is that idea? A vampire that hunts demons. lol Homecomming is Locked in! Becky is my date! OK, yeah, sure i asked her originally and she turned me down to wait on a guy she still likes and it's tough going to HC with a girl when you know she's got the hots for some other guy, but nevertheless, i'm thrilled to go with her. She made things a lot easier for me by sparing me the impossible task of asking the same girl twice to HC (how would you get off doing that?) by asking me once it was apparent her true intrest wouldn't go. Very mixed feelings about that. Hope it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. There's still a month to go, perhaps something will happen that will broaden her mind enough to at least have some romantic aspect to the dance, if only for one night. Sounds like another tragic cause Al. Stupid hopeless romantic... As i've said last time i got close in the face of failure: but what would you be if you didn't try?......... You have to try.......

9/9/03

Current mood:

IMPORTANT: i am recycling this entry as i never really got any material on it in the first place So school's been kicking my ass. i fell inevidably behind in Lit since Walden was issued and i've resolved to devote a weekend day to getting caught up in it, but i fear i won't realize that day untill it's too late. Otherwise i enjoy that class, Thomposon likes to make people think, and it's actually fun to take an analytical view on everyday things. The alturnative class is Wolff's. Which is also enjoyable, but only for Wolff's personal entertaining value. The actual material does nothing for me. i'm quieter in his class than i was last year. i don't know why, but i have the feeling it has to do with just being too content to simply sit back and watch people make idiots of themselves. Once again i am satisfied with less than i should be. While it's on my mind, i think it's a good enough time to discuss another one of my major flaws. It of course ties into my motivational problems and the rest of my human-defining lacking characteristics. The problem is that i am too easily made satisfied. i don't think i hold i high enough standard for myself or for anyone/anything else. This wouldn't be such a problem if i didn't believe that people generally live up or down to your expectations of them (including myself). Once i get motivated enough to develope motivational skills, i'm determined to make this my next challenge.... Since it's been so long since i last toutched this journal there's probably a lot of stuff that i could cover, but forgive me for leaving out a few things. i have an IB Mentor now! Her name is Molly and, not surprisingly, i had heard of her before but had never actually met her. i don't think i could've been better matched to any of the senior IBers. Molly is apparently a very respectable music buff that i can draw off of (i always love people who know their music), she appears to be one of the essentrics of the IB senior class (which i suppose doesn't say much, but she hits the mark by any other standard as well) so that makes her a fun person to know, and i feel like she's just an easy person for me to relate to all over. Only problem with her is that she doesn't seem to be the most work-oriented, which makes pefect sense if they're trying to really match us up cause i mean.....look at me, so i can't really expect her to be pushing me in my studies. That aside, i don't think anyone would have that much luck motivating me anyways and it's not as though most of the Junior IB calss will develope any kind of relationship with their mentors, so i feel privilaged to have Molly, who i can at least develope a great friendship with and learn from her experience points if not from anything else lol. Homecomming is approaching and i'm afraid i am jaded from my experience with Kelly DM last year. But that would be really moronic to not give it a shot anyways. i personally think it's a bit early to be thinking about asking girls, but that's not how many people think so i thought it best to conform to other people's timelines on this particular topic, if simply because if i don't that means everyone will have dates already (Hey! great deduction eh?). So i won't go in depth too much, but as it stands i am a few girl's fallback date because they're holding out for some other guy to ask them. Nice..... a little degrading, but guess i can understand their position. i never really aimed to make anyone's heart sputter at the sight of me and i've just never been natorious for my suave lady-killing skills. i'd probably do better with actual killing skills. Still, there's always that upper-right atrium of my heart that longs for some special attention from a romantic intrest.... i'm thinking about having it removed..... who needs a forth heart chamber anyways? i can't explain to you how much after-school activities save my life. They are my reason to keep pressing on. Dance in particular. Sure that sounds funny because we all know i don't really posses much real skill in that area and lord knows none of the dance girls there really appreciate my presence, but there's just something satisfying about participating in something you seem to enjoy even though you're horrible at it. Dance envalopes 4 of my favorite hours every week. Improv is always lots of fun cause it's just so out there. You can't think about any worries you might have in life when you're making shit up off the top of your head and you know it has to be funny. And finally, the Show Chorus that i'm still not sure how i got invited to; it's thrilling hearing all the different voices of people who can really sing come together! it's even more thrilling when i'm a part of it and i'm not afraid to think i'm damn good (even though i couldn't really read sheet music for the life of me). A passion is awaken when i know i'm making music. If i only had more time on my hands i swear to you i'd do a personal music-making project in my own time. i almost have the resprces for it too... EVERYBODY HAS THEIR BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH! Good lord people were doing some serious fucking in the christmas season of 1985-1988 cause DAMN there's a lotta kids that need birthday presents from me all of a sudden. Most importantly of whom is of course, Steve-o, my best buddy (well it's my mom's birthday this month too, but i love her and i buy her chocolates and she loves me, it's easy). A bit perplexed over what i should get him. i could easily do something generic for a pretty penny, but i'd like something a little out of the ordinary. i had a shitload of ideas for him last Christmas, but now that i think about it, none of them seem to work when he doesn't have a girlfriend (and if you think that's an indication of me indirectly making fun of him in the presents i give him.......yeah, you're probably right). i need to figure that out by the end of this week. Also this month- Molly-mentor, David, Cortney, Egghead, and a couple others. and i just decided not to even bother with my cousins this year. i'm gunna be broke as it is. wow, i could crank out a lot more aimless babble now, but i need sleep like i need a HC date. i'll keep you guys posted.

8/17/03

Current mood:

School is in. one word for that: "helmet" Classes are such that i have perhaps the potential to make the average day moderatly enjoyable, but i'd have to work at it, and i really don't think i'll have the energies to exaust on the efforts it would take. On the other hand, i can't really think of anything better to focus my attention towards. The key here, i think, is to just keep telling myself "you are superman, you are superman because you HAVE to be superman in order to do what you've decided to do and still be happy". The classes go like this: Advanced Drama I [A]History of the Americas (Wolff)/[B]IB Lit (Spiegel clone) IB Physics Adv. Alg Trig/pre-calc/some-other-math-cariculum (that's all one class kids) First, let's discuss Drama. As you may know, i'm a drama kid. i love the theatre, if i may spare myself some modestly i am an above average actor, i am very committed to drama in any way i can be (which is important to why i'm in the class). When i was planning ahead for my vital drama involvment last year i set it so i would enter the musical theatre class and obtain a major role in "Little Shop of Horrors". This became an irreversable plan when i was not cast in either of the straight plays. i would later learn that i was not cast in the straight plays because Mrs. Denney had more-or-less reserved me for Musical Theatre class and had prtty much locked me in as a deffinate role (call it corrupt, but it's been going on forever and pre-decided parts have been a staple of our flawed drama program). So i recieve my scedual this year and find that IB will not allow for musical theatre. After weeks of fighting for an alturnative it has become apparent that there is no way i can hold onto my last hope of lime light. My only option really, is to take the drama class that is doing the straight plays. Because they have already been cast since last year i don't even have a hope of a cammo appearance in either of the two plays they are performing in the class. Then, Mrs. Denney dangled a shed of hope for me by suggesting that perhaps she could talk steve-o into sacraficing one of his characters to me since he is in both plays. It has been long enough since she said she would have that conversation and we have already read through the second play and steve-o read for the potentially sacraficable part unreluctantly. It is apparent to me that Mrs. Denney never had that convo, nor did she ever have any intention of having it. Steve-o is a very able actor and he holds much favor with Denney. i wouldn't hold it against him if he didn't want to give up a role. But he was never presented with the decision in the first place. There was little or no possibility for me to salvage what acting i could to begin with, but for Mrs. Denney to bait me like that for God-knows-what-reasons..... it's like a girlfriend dumping you and then leading you on just for her own selfish laughs. In conclusion, i will learn more technical aspects and hide in the darkness of the stage as my envey eats at me. If only there were after-school productions... it all seems so eliquently laid out for my dissapointment. When you don't even have the chance at an audition, can you call that an extra-cericular idea open for those that need the oppertunity only? .........Fuck the drama program Wolff is back to lead us in our quest for knowledge......and to make daily threats on our lives in attempt to hieghten our spirits. God bless Mr. Wolff for at least helping us to know that we can't take any of this damned IB program too seriously. My class with him and Thompson has people in it that i can't bring myself to be at ease around. There's something i want from some of those people that i can't locate or, much less, take. Maybe i can come to grips with myself and lay my feelings about that issue out on the table for all to see sooner or later. It would do wonders for me if it worked out they way i'd hope it would. Thompson is exactly like Spiegel was plus a few inches. This is the teacher that posses the threat against my will to satisfy myself and all the means i would normally use to follow that will. Chances are he will break me down sometime this year, and maybe being ripped apart and reconstructed will work in my favor, but i can't help but be afraid of the possability that it will hurt who i am in the long run. IB Physics is supposed to be a continuation of my learnings in Physics. You would think this would be no problem as i got a 97 or something in Physics last year. But the fact remains that i was all too fortionate to have Dr. Price that year, who was not only a good teacher, but leaniant and flexable enough to allow me to retain my possitive attitude about my performance, even if i had made a 78 or something. However, this year it's Ms. Owenby (i'm not sure if it's Ms. or Mrs., but i'm assuming nothing with a penis could bring itself to marry that hunk of human mass, and that's not even mentioning the lack of personality which radiates enough bordom and deadlyness to make you want to slowly push your pencil through your ear untill it comes out the other end of your head). This teacher does not posses the skills Price had, and doesn't seem to care. You can tell teaching is her living, not her livlyness (assuming she had any). Add to this the fact that it was this class that cost me my shot at musical theatre, and you may understand why i lose my will to live every time i set foot in the class. i'm not sure what Adv. Alg. is like yet really. By the time i reach 4th period i am always too sapped of energy and my brain cannot take in anything. This not only effects my performance on my otherwise gifted math skills, but also strips me of my thoughts and social process completely. i continue to use public transportation, and the bus is always packed. i'm working on a remedy for this currently. Nothing against Big Ed, but it's just time for me to move onto stealing rides from other upperclassmen who have parking slots. forgive me for the less-than-pleasant sound of the school day, but theres no way of getting around the fact that this is what i've been destined for and only being "Superman" is going to pull me through this. Moving away from the school situation and onto the events of tonight. i attended Liz and Roxy's away-to-college party that was intended to be kareokee at Locos, but we were kicked out due to our inability to buy alcohol. So naturally the party moved across the street to Caribou. In addition to allowing way too much emotional attention from Roxy throughout the night, i got to see my friend, Quin (better known as Jacklyn Dowda), perform an intermission for the excelent jazz-type band that was performing live at Caribou that night. i also got know know an Austrian foriegn exchange student and talked to her for about 2 hours. Best i've ever bonded with either a new face or a foriegner (and that included that crazy German girl that lived with me for 6 months). The DKs are fun, and i will miss the contribution from the previously essential Liz and Roxy. Almost as much as i'll miss Kelly DM. On my drive home i came up with the concept of a new party game. It's a spin-off of "spin the bottle" (puns are the lowest form of humor). People must sit in a circle for this obviously and there is a bottle in the middle of them. Anyways, a person starts by tying a towel around their head so as not to see(as illistrated in my mood). The members of the same sex then move out of the circle and the opposite sex members move in and spin the bottle. Silently it will land on somebody and they then proceed to kiss the blinded towel-person. Other people are encouraged not to say anything so the blinded person has no cluw who just kissed them. Then, befroe removing the towel, the blinded person must rate the kiss from 1-10 and state who they think the kisser was. once they guess the correct kisser, the kisser becomes the next blinded person and the sexes switch out of the circle and spin again. And so on and so forth untill people are sick of being kissed by people they are unsure of, or untill somebody gets really offended when they are rated a 2 on the kissing scale. So there is my nightly events (overlysimplified) and one of my many ideas this evening. If you like the whole "Al updated his journal finaly" thing, then sign the guestbook and encourage my motive. Good night, i wish i could tell you what i know i cannot

7/23/03

Current mood:

That picture is to say i finished painting the fence. This is an accomplishment that secures my place amoung the dead gods of Mt. Olympus. As many of you can probably see, this journal has become a bit cumbersome to update. i've been in and out of town a bit and often lack the motivation to fire up the need to write out what's goin on. However, i did get this entry up before the month cut-off date so this journal is still alive, and you can count on much more frequent updates once school lets in because it's a lot easier to write entries when you're supposta be doing homework. Untill next time i thank those of you who still visit this meek scrap of HTML and give you faith that it will again become the entertaining sorce of minor events on my manifesting life. Thanks -Al

6/26/03

Current mood:

Yes, it's been a while. But i'm still here. I miss Stephanie Ann Morgan Today Steve-o came by my place. He said he had a surprise for me. So he walks into my room followed by Stephanie Morgan! i haven't seen this girl since she moved away nearly a year ago, and that was a very sad day becasue she was truely one of the greatest girls i knew...... well.... it was also sad cause Davis Miller got his head cut open, but i was more upset about Stephanie leaving. So i couldn't help myself, i dragged out the camera because i knew that even though Stephanie hates pictures, i had to get something to comemorate her visit with. A thousand appologies to her, but i just couldn't go without something to remember her by. Steve-o wanted pictures too, but he let me play the bad guy and take em and just asked for them later. Apparently he got his own special comomoration... Well i haven't written about it, but i saw The White Stripes last Friday down at The Big Rock Freeloaders concert. The show was headed by The Hiss, who weren't all that impressive. However, the second band, Whirlwind Heat, proved to be a fantastic show that would've made the whole night worth it with their performance alone, as illistrated: Case in point... Following them were the White Stripes themselves. Of course, it was all about Jack White. Meg just kinda sat off to the side, but there wasn't a lot going on over there. Some amazin' guitar was going down there. and i think it's worth mentioning that we were down front where the crowd surffing and moshing were in full throttle. i left pretty shaken up and with cigarette burns on my arms (jackasses...). It probably woulda been much worse had Phil not been looking out for our party pretty much the whole time. Props to him for the heads up so many times. I'm headed off to WI for about 11 days this Saturday. this means one of two things for you readers. 1) i won't be making any entries for about a week and a half or..... 2) i will find a computer and in all my bordom will update with very juicy, detailed entries though maybe a little short on pictures. (this option is a little more likely) i will do my best to get back to making entries that are worth reading. Looking at my back entries, i feel like i have fallen from grace......not that i was ever very graceful, but they were better before and i intend to but the pleasure back into writting this stuff.

6/17/03

Current mood:

i am extreamly dissapointed in myself, i should really have the whole website i've been talking about up and running by now, but i'm still sitting here with this half-assed frame-of-a-site.... Painting the fence has taken up a lot of my time, and when i'm not doing that my mom is constantly on my case for not doing it. It's kinda a perplexing cycle, the only way to get peace at this house is to.......not be at it...... Uhh...... what else to say? i think this is one of those entries i make just to make an entry. Lemme see what is moderately worth mentioning lately. i've been talkin a lot to Lexy lately and i've just noted she's a lot deeper than most people give her credit for. Interesting girl. i need to get a ladder to Kelly DM's window soon, i've definatly been meaning to get in the habit, but i guess it's a little tough to make it a consistancy of climbing into a woman's window....you know what i mean?........huh....Clarissa's neighbors never phoned the police........ oh well, i'll do it, mark my words. i've got too much here, i need somebody to share it with.

6/16/03

Current mood:

i haven't been much for a real entry for a while. i would say it's because i have so much going on, but in all truth, that wouldn't be entirely accurate. i don't really know why i haven't written in a while, but it's of little importance. Deep (or shallow, it's controversial) thought time: What is shallow and deep? And what calssifies you as either? Does simply being poetic, contemplative, and/or artistic make you deep? Does simply being athletic, sex-driven, immoral, or only caring about the material things and physical aspects of people make you shallow? In attempt to answer this, i've given a little bit of thought to myself and whether i fall as a deep or shallow person. For the sake of my thoughts, i'm pretending there is no grey area, and perhaps there really isn't. The first thing i had to know was what sets me apart from anybody else. i pretty much drew a blank, i always thought of myself as an all-around nice guy, even though i can definatly think of a few people who project a nicer image. i went with that for the sake of keeping my train of thought. Now i break down what i think made me fit into the "nice guy" catagory: i project and perhaps have a simplistic way of being with people (you could cue that as shallow i suppose, but then is that really a shallow trait?), i am idealistic, meaning i often imagine how things should be to me instead of how things actually are. This makes me a hopeless romantic and less focused on the sexual aspect of a relationship and more on getting some deep fulfillment from it, which is a bad trait to have throughout high school i've come to believe, cause people don't date to find life partners or any of that shit, they do it to experiment, make themselves happy, and contribute to somebody else. That's what i've come to belive anyways. You can see where having this perfect image in your head can and will hinder any relations you have or will have for quite some time given high school and collage setups. Still, you could argue that as a sign of deepness. Finally, i am very virtusous, i keep morals that restrain me from having the fun that i could be having, and perhaps also keeps people from appreciating my character as much as they could if i just did whatever. i went ahead an labled that deep even though the effects of if restraining my expresion would make it more shallow than anything. That was very limited, but it was enough to make me realize that being deep isn't nessicarily better than being shallow and that you could view people as you wanted to, but everyone has a deeper person to them even though some of them will never reveal it to anyone throughout their lifetime. To close off, think about this stereotypical inquire i ground up: Given that finding mental, phycological, and emotional compadability in a partner is extreamly difficult, if not, impossable to obtain; one could always settle for the more temporary pleasure of a pure physical attraction. That doesn't make you a shallow person....................does it? Onto recent happenings. There's a lot to cover, so i'm going to cut out the old stuff that i should have written about in an earlier entry and just give you the recent junk. Steve-o finally got his hair dyed and it looks just how imagined it would. It's wierd, you would think i'd have a more perminatly engrained mental picture of him that i would have to loose before i accepted his new look, but it didn't take any time to get use to. i guess i've just kinda always seen him with black and red hair (Ha). Recently i went to see a movie, which is an event i haven't done in a lloonggg time. Stephanie Douglas was kind enough to offer me the oppurtunity to hit the theaters. There's a lot of good movies out and Stephanie is a kool kid, so natuarally i jumped this idea. We couldn't find anybody to accompany us, but that was fine. Stephanie picked me up a little later than planned due to increment weather, which i kinda guessed would happen anyways, i was just glad she didn't can the idea altogether. We had a little casual talk on the way to the movies. Stephanie strikes me as a woman of many thoughts and few words. One can't help but wonder what she's thinking sometimes because i would imagine it's just so far beyond me. Anyways, we were late for the movie we planned to see, which frankly wouldn't have bothered me much, but i didn't want to only get part of a movie, i owed it to Stephanie to see the whole sha-bang with her, she went out of her way for this so i thought we'd catch a slightly later movie. There are a few good ones out so i finally settled on 2 fast 2 furious. i say "i settled" because Stephanie refused to have much of a say in what we did. She's kinda passive like that, and one day, if only for the unlikelyness of it, i would like to see her just break out and say something like "We're going to see Dumb and Dumberer Bitch! And if you don't like it you can walk home!". The movie was good, some very good race scenes and fun characters made up for a lag in the plot. It ended on a cleverly funny note, and i noted how important the ending scene of a movie is to it's overall enjoyment factor. i felt kinda bad on the way home, i wasn't being very helpful to Stephanie as navigator, which i've never really been good at. Oh well, it's something for me to work on. Stephanie didn't really know her way around the polo fields that well, so i thought i'd make it easy on her and just walk home from steve-o's house because she knew how to get home from his place. i wanted a night walk anyways, it was a full moon and those just always bring a certain liveliness to me. So after offering to give her car a good hit with rain-x some later day, i left and strolled home. It was beautiful. Today i painted a fence and got locked out of my house for a big part of the day. i cruised around the neighborhood on my bike to pass time. Manohman, today was a scorcher, i lost enough salt to make a 16-pound salt lick out of. And that's about it. i could talk about women, but i don't feel like it, i'd rather talk to them.

6/15/03

Current mood:

As you can probably tell, i've taken a slightly different color scheme for the more recent entries. Don't worry, all my well-written back entries are available through the link at the top. Maybe this will help some people load the page faster. i, of course am not done with this entry because i spent most of the night transfering all the old entries to their new home, so i'm too tired to write anything really good. I'll reuse this entry tomorrow perhaps.