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Entries from 2/25/04 - 5/10/04
Entries from 6/15/03 - 2/16/04
Entries from 4/25/03 - 6/14/03
12/12/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Christmas break approaches, as do the deadlines to many of my responsibilities. I won't lie to you when i tell you that i'm about ready to finish with this semester. The numerous psych projects, The world lit & ToK papers, The Lend Me a Tenor, The ambiguous games with girls, The Xmas Spectacular, The history outlines, The finals; All of it has been very taxing on me, and i loved some of it, i really did, but i can tell you that the first thing i'm probably going to do when school lets out next week is to come home, plug myself into the wall outlet, and just charge for about 3 days straight.
Do what you want buddy, i'm going out to party when all this shit is over with! Oh.... yeah, i forgot to mention, Nega-Al is back after a month or two of almost no word. And MAN was i busy! So these other alter-egos (that i had to step on on my way to the top) started getting more insistent and slightly stronger, right? So i was all like, "Step down mini-egos! This is my house!" It was my duty to beat the punks down again, and that takes a long time. There was that lovesick guy and that pensive guy who were the toughest, but there were a few others that were just Hell to get rid of. However, i finally shut those guys up for a good while and i thought it'd be ok to make a comeback, that and there have been some recent events in Al's life that have just been feeding me greatly, i'm almost back at the top of my game now. Yeah, so i guess it was a relief to know that he wasn't spending that time plotting something anyways.
It seems to me like this time of the year is the echo to the spring fever. I've been seeing couples dropping left and right like flies. I wonder if this is something that happens annually IN PREPERATION for the spring so people can hook up with new people? In some ways it's sad. There are some guys and girls who seem perfectly happy with each other and then for little or no reason something happens that just makes them fall apart around now.
I've been church hopping for the past few weeks and haven't found anything that really hooks me in. Plenty of places i could go, but nothing that is doing what i'm looking for. I want to get closer to God again. I want a community in him. I'm not a bad Christian, but i don't know God like i feel i should. He's not the first guy i go to when i've got a problem. I go to myself first, and i'm realizing that that is probably the wrong thing to do. Maybe it's not actually God i'm looking for, i just know i feel like i need something to fill a hole in my life and it seems like God's gotta be it. I don't know for sure though. If it isn't him, what is it?
You know, i like giving gifts for Xmas. I like seeing people's faces when they get one. They don't always like em, but the few who do more than make up for those who don't. I've got a near impossible goal to give the best gift yet this year to somebody, but i don't really know how i'm going to do that. They aren't always material things, in fact usually the best things don't cost anything (or very little), but gift giving is one of those things i like about the holiday. Last year it make my Christmas to make somebody genuinely happy by saying in more or less words, "you're important to me and this is a little token of that." The gift isn't what makes it great, it's the thought.
Yesterday i was at Daniel Webster's 18-birthday party and i got to meet a bunch of the Central kids. I don't know how to put this exactly, but it was relieving to meet new people and make new friends and see that they wanted to meet new people too. I developed this idea a while back that i don't really like but i've been considering for a while, and that is that people generally don't like to make friends with seniors because they know it's their last year here and they figure it just isn't worth it to become friends only to loose them in a few months. The idea is logical i guess, but really, it sucks that people never want to start things if they can't see some kind of guarantee to it. It's a big risk to meet a new senior on any level and continue your relationship with them because you know that they'll be gone (and you might be too i guess) in the next 9 months or so. But what people don't really consider is that 9 months is a long time.
Well, since Al gets to share deep thoughts, there is something i would like to address right about now before Al rules it too crude for display. Girls (and a few guys) don't seem to respect the sacredness of a guys testicles. I realize this is a blatant topic, but damnit, sometimes these things need to be said. There are only three instances when it is appropriate to make any attempt to damage a man by going for the balls. These reasons are:
1) If your life is threatened.
Now, the argument against this is of course that there are many reasons why it would be alright to kick a guy in the balls that were not listed, and after all, it is probably the place that hurts the most, it's so much more practical, why would you try to hurt a man in any other way if pain needs to be employed? The fact is that being kicked in the balls is the closest equivalent to labor pains a man will ever face. Labor pains was God's punishment to Eve when the original sinners were kicked out of Eden. Think about that: a DIRECT punishment from God. It is the worst pain possible and only in the very most extreme cases should it be taken advantage of. A fight that has any code of honor forbids hits to the crotch and likewise a person who has any sliver of honor should respect that as well.
The second reason (which holds much more weight) is that you are not merely causing a world of hurt to your victim when you kick them in the nuts, you are jeopardizing their sacred right to immortality. These are the organs that allow reproduction, if you damage them to a certain degree, that man will never have the opportunity to pass on his genes. We're talking about forbidding that person from continuing their lineage, a God given right that should only be taken away by God or as punishment for one of the three listed valid reason above. Just understand that wanting to inflict something as pedestrian as pain does not justify you in this tampering with what i believe is something sacred in its own right. It frustrates me every time i hear a girl joke about something like that as well as whenever i see or experience somebody actually attempting it. They don't understand the seriousness of what they talk about or attempt. A flash or anger does not come close to justifying something that has those kind of potential after-effects.
STOP!! STOP IT! I can't believe you filled so much space with so much crap!
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11/27/04 | |
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Current mood:
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I woke up this morning to see a note stuck right on the side of my bedside table where it would be right in my line of vision when i opened my eyes that said, "Good morning Al, you're awesome! Love Kelsey" and i think it's worth noting that is the best way i may have ever started a day.
It's Thanksgiving Break and although i'm terribly behind on papers i have to write, and books i have to read, and just things that need to be done in general, i've gotten a good bit of off-time that i wanted so badly lately. I found time to cut my hair & re-arrange my room, so i just need to buy some new CDs, fix my bike, get a few new shirts (for the first time in 9 months now), change the deodorant i use, get a new shower curtain (i want one of those stain-glass imitation ones), and finish an old song/project and i'll finally be a new man.
Lend Me a Tenor went off without a hitch. In fact i'd even go so far as to say it was a modest success. As most of you know, there were two casts. People will go around saying you can't make a preference of one to another because they're just so incredibly different, but i don't feel any shame in saying i personally liked my cast better. In most cases i think, Cast B was big and Cast A was fast. It was a fun show to do and i got to work with people i would otherwise get little opportunity to be with, and that made it especially rewarding for me. It was trying at times, it was no doubt time-consuming, but overall i looked forward to most of the practices for one reason or another. I often wondered if i would be relieved when the show was over or if i would miss it, and i'm discovering i'm going to miss the show because while it was a surprise triumph for our theatre department, it gave more to me personally. For a while, i got something out of that show that i will really remember, and that's what makes it a real success in my mind.
I must've told everybody how excited i am about Opening Number already so i won't say much else on that except: wow, amazing. A few days ago i was invited to record with Josh, Jon, Tom, and M.D. (the drama kid, not the drink) for some Battle of the Bands stuff. Basically we spent a few hours playing through some songs and i got to sing to live music for the first time in a long time. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M NOT IN A BAND! I don't care if i hardly have the time, it's one of the most fulfilling and releasing things i've ever done every time i do it, and it's something that would probably do me a hell of a lot of good in the long run. Anyways, the only song we actually got recorded was a song Jon wrote, but we played plenty of other stuff and i just had an overall great time. After the recording, i went to the B-ball tournament @ SFHS to say hey to Kaitlin from the NY trip. We only talked for a little while cause i had other places to be, but it was nice seeing her again and the basketball was actually more entertaining than i thought it would be. Women in sports get really mean. My Grandma and Uncle Mike came in for the Thanksgiving Break and we had some fun with them. Went to a waterfall to take the annual family pictures. I discovered that my dad seems to have one blue eye and one green eye because his contacts are tinted blue and green for ease of figuring out which one goes to which eye in the morning. It's nice at the waterfall, great way to emerge yourself in nature, and once we had climbed the mountain to the top of the falls we could see ATL about 70 miles off in the haze. It was remarkable. I've picked up a bit of songwriting again. It's something i'd like to be really good at someday, but it'll be a while before i'm ready for a critical audience, nobody's ever heard my older stuff and i get particularly emotionally attached to these kind of things.
Ok, down to brass tactics:
The night started out with Zoolander and Billy pumbling Steve-o at football on the Gamecube. Great movie, and it allowed time for the chocolate, pizza and caffeine to sink in.
The party went on for hours and i had to make two picture dumps (got over 80) before the night was over. Things finally came to an end around midnight and i saw people out of the house. In the big picture the movie night turned out even more fun than i thought it would be and there was precious little that was disappointing about the night.
As people were leaving the house and driving away i caught a glance of the night sky with Steve-o and Nicki and noted the full moon, the brightest it's been in months. It, along with all the stars on the clean night, looked like holes to heaven, little punctures in the sky canvas. And as the last of the people drove away, i looked back up at it and thought:
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11/12/04 | |
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Current mood:
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These days i get so tired. I wanted to start this entry weeks ago when i was reaching a peak, but i still had just as much as i have to do then as i do now. The difference? Well, for a week or so i felt like everything in my life, while obviously not perfect and incredibly overwhelming, was really just great. There was no way i'd ever be able to juggle all the things that i had to do, but just one or two things in my life made it all, not only worth it, but some of the best times i've had in high school. I mean, i loved living so much for a week or so there.
Now i'm just tired. So Tenor is finally shaping up, might even turn out really good. I can't decide if i'll be relieved or disappointed when it's finally over. I don't get to go home before 7 or 8 most days recently, and it really takes a toll, but on the flip side, it's time spent acting, something i love doing with people i love being around. The whole show had a big turnaround this week especially and we're actually acting the thing now instead of stumbling through lines. Sure there are things i wish i could do better; read my fellow actors/actresses, hit every punch line harder, stage kiss more convincingly, but overall things are coming together nicely. Last Saturday was a work day for the Tenor set, which turned out to be lots of fun. It'll probably be a while before i have a weekend that good. I don't really feel like discussing college. It's going ok, i've spoken with several people on the phone regarding their colleges (non of these people seem to be the intellectuals i would imagine the college would like to promote, maybe it's just cause they're trying to be buddy-buddy with me). This Sunday/Monday i'll be staying at GA Tech, so hopefully that'll be an experience worth sharing. It's not my top choice, but Tech definitely doesn't look bad. I said i didn't want to talk about colleges and then i spent a paragraph on the topic.... whatever. I love my improv troupe. Really, it's hard to control people on a Friday afternoon, but it's always worth it. We had a guy from Dad's Garage come teach us some stuff today and i think it was very well received. I've got so many plans for the troupe and new games to deliver on, i don't think there's any way i'll be able to do everything i want with them. I think i've learned a lot from my lunch period this semester, and i like it more and more every day. At the beginning of the year i made a choice that i didn't want to sit with the IBers at a table they all seemed to flock to. I mean, i'm dragged through 3 out of 4 classes a day with these people (sometimes more) and why should i limit myself from meeting new faces or at least socializing outside the IBers (i really don't feel like a part of them still anyways)? Anyways, i spend most days around Sex-machine-lexy and Davis, but i'm completely free to get up and sit with Allison and her friends or drop back by the IB table where Cate the Great (an IB groupie that i had previously never met) can often be found. Most people settle into a pattern of who to eat lunch with, but i've found it much more filling and liberating to just go where i may on any given day. It makes me wish i knew even more people. Maybe i'll meet even more before the semester's up. Nega-Al has been rather recluse lately, it concerns me. There are usually two things going on when this happens: He's either plotting something, or something has happened to make one of my alter egos excited and he's kept busy trying to battle them back down. I think it's the later, but i'm not sure. Either way, i'll have to be on my toes. There's something else i wanted to reflect on, but i think tonight might be the last decent night for boxer jogging and i want to take advantage of that. I think i was a girl's fling for about a week, but she seems to be done now. Too bad, i really liked her. |
10/17/04 | |
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Current mood:
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I've felt like a geek for the past month or so.... Well, that is to say i'd like to feel like a geek. More specifically, the type of person who seems out of touch with everyone and everything around him and it isn't really his fault because he just doesn't get it, despite the fact that he possesses an incredible mind as far as raw horsepower goes. In all reality, that person understands it all, he knows how people work and could kick himself to the top if he wanted to, but he just doesn't care. That's what i'd like to be right now, for a while anyways. Just know things, maybe even how social structures at our school and with my friends work, but just not act on it. There's just some kind of subtle satisfaction in knowing what people think you don't. You can revel in the fact that everybody underestimates you, and that will make it all the more sweeter when you finally show them.
Lend me a Tenor is coming along, and it isn't going especially smooth, but it isn't as rough as most of the casts (both A & B) seem to think it is. Personally, i need to touch up my lines and develop my character finally. Gray called me into his office and explained to me that i was playing my part like a playboy model (what he meant by this i wasn't exactly sure, but i knew it wasn't good). In any case, i need to be more of a geek. I suppose that idea is what inspired me to want a little more geekyness in my real life. There are several aspects of that play that seems to be seeping into my real life. You tell yourself as an actor that that can't happen, but it does, for better or for worse. I wonder which is the case with me?... Just because i was reminded of an instance of this happening with Dracula a year ago, i associated that with other Community theatre plays, such as Robin Hood, and i finally remembered to post this bad-ass picture of Jan and me (the umm well... bad-asses of the play) that i had meant to put up at the actual time of the play but never did. Indulge in how evil we look!
Jan and i look good in pictures, you should see this one of us sleeping on a bus and at homecoming and..... uhh.... you know what? never mind, forget i said that.
The college search is just kinda disheartening. As i sit here and fill out applications trying to make myself sounds as good as i can, i start to feel worse about myself, and i can't really put my finger on why.
School aside of college is do-able, even if there isn't really a class that i look forward to throughout the day. Man, i really don't know why i didn't take a drama class.... oh yeah... cause i can't really. This is my last year in a school that, as soon as i get accepted into college doesn't follow me anywhere, and i'd like to enjoy it. There is very little in the way of knowledge that i see myself really profiting from or enriching my life after i get into a school.
I don't like how that works. Everything you do, as far as your daily occupation goes, is simply to better your next daily occupation, but rarely ever to better your life overall. You make good grades in middle school so you can take higher classes in high school, you take higher classes in high school so you can get accepted into the undergrad college of your choice, you work hard as an undergrad to pick where you'll get your graduate education from, you work hard in grad school to get the prestige you need to get a good job. THEN, after you have your job, you might advance in position, but you're hopefully happy with your career and you can actually use it to just better your life overall, but until that point, everything you do from 8:00 am-3:30pm Mon.-Thurs. is just to get to that point.
How much of that stuff are you doing though?! How many girls have you gone out with in high school?!
uhh.... OK....
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10/3/04 | |
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Current mood:
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As i am yet determined not to go over my month marker, it was time for an update again.
Life has been progressing just fine. In the past month i've gotten that solo i wanted so badly, taken one or two steps closer to my IB diploma, went to a school dance, gotten a little (mind you, just a little) better at my part in "Lend me a Tenor", and uhh... gotten a haircut.
To sum up, i picked her up, we discussed the Olsen Twins on the way to the pot luck dinner, did the dinner thing, let her drive to the dance, taught her how to turn off a car, danced in the hot hot gym, and took her home as she told me how i didn't pay enough attention to her. Aside of being told i failed on the drive home, i thought it went pretty well.
Steve-o's birthday came and went, and i kinda flopped on that again. Nicki and i had planned a surprise party for him, but it never worked cause he was out of town for pretty much the three weekends following his birthday. Oh well, the plans were leaked to him anyways *shrug*. Last year i at least had an excuse for not getting him his gift till months later (the eBay people lost my shipment), but this year, it's simply i haven't thought of a good gift yet, so i've given myself an extension (that has been going on for almost a month now). We did go out bowling a week before though and we made him a cake, and i promised to post a pic from that:
So that was all good, but i'm still slow on the gift/party thing. Maybe sometime in November. Sorry Steve-o, but you'll get it eventually and it'll be good, you just have to put up with lazy friends like me lol.
College apps are a pain. It might help to know... uhh... anything about what my future will be like, or at least how i'd like it.
The improv troupe has started up again and has been running for a few weeks; and i have a new appreciation for people who can miraculously keep a bunch of high schoolers who just got out of school on Friday focused on making things up. I mean, i do alright, but it isn't easy.
Previous Thespian Troupe Prez, Liz Brendel is playing Mazeppa in "Gypsy" at Brenau Nov. 4-21. I mention this cause she told me when i took her to the thespian cookout and night out afterwards about a month ago. Liz is another one of those alumni that were an inspiration to me. She started so many things, she lead so many thing, she was an IB-dropout; all these things i would love to be and do. And it was interesting to me to talk with her about how she's carried over to college and how even somebody like her can be worried about where she's going. It made me realize that so many of the people that i idolize are human too.
I was thinking about the alumni form South Forsyth and attributes that i want to acquire just like many of them. Some of the people i looked up to other people would call me crazy for, others nobody could argue with. I want to be a leader and an entrepreneur like Liz was, i want to be as naturally talented as Joel was, i want to be as much of a renaissance man and everybody's man as Billy M. was, i want to be a great boyfriend like Jeff was, i want to have the motivation and spirit that David had, i want to be as clever and witty as Ashley K. was. I just want to take all i've learned from all of them and just soak it all up. If i could have half of what each of those people had in their respective areas of admiration, i would be the guy everybody dreams they could be in their lifetimes.
Also in the past month, my buddy Don got me to start talking to Hallie Fann. I'm glad he did; she's been quite the accommodating conversationalist late into the night on several occasions. It's nice to have somebody talk you through the insomnia. Kendal and i also asked her to play tennis a few weeks ago and we ended up hanging out for the rest of the day. She's a lot of fun, i like that girl. Even if her tennis skills are sub-par. Makes me think i should make more friends with these people Don mentions to me.
I have these ice cream coupons, i've had them for a long time. I would like to take a girl out for ice cream. Does it sound cheap to say that if you just want to use coupons before they expire? lol.
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9/5/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Manohman, i really dropped the ball on this journal thing. Does that mean i've got so much going on that i can't find time to update? Or does it simply mean i'm lazy? Or does it mean i just don't want the world to know every detail of my life?
Probably a bit of all that.
Online journals make it so easy to access a person. Somebody who doesn't really know you could just look at your online journal, and if you're a consistent poster, they could learn pretty much all they'd ever need to know about you to be your best friend. Everybody keeps secrets, but at the same time, everybody wants their secrets to be known so it causes something to happen, so it causes somebody to take an interest in them.
The need for personal interaction has diminished as far as practicality goes. But people still need somebody to ask them in person how things are going. It's a humanistic need i think. Even though it's all laid out for you on the internet, you have to go to that person and inquire for real. Otherwise that person will never tell anybody anything in a real sense. Nobody can post a journal entry and immediately cry on the shoulder of somebody. Similarly, nobody can post an entry and revel in laughter with somebody. And if somebody were to withhold their personal information from their public journal, that wouldn't help much anymore anyways because the public, as a whole seems to expect it more and more. If you don't post, it can be assumed that you simply have nothing to say, and nobody will walk up to your house and ask you.
Keeping a secret has become a lost art. And it really was an art form. If you really thought about it, how many secrets will you actually take to the grave? Not many in most cases. That is because we as a society seem to have arrived at the idea that secrets are meant to be told so that they can be acted upon.
I'm not promoting or demoting online journals in any way. It's just something to chew on as you drink up people's life happenings via a phone line. That all being said, let us continue on to my life as appose to my revelations. I took a look back on my life in high school and realized that, while i haven't been the same person throughout, i've remained a generally static character since middle school. The only event in high school that i think really changed who i was significantly and suddenly was my interaction with sweets, as i had been void of any romantic dabblings before and after that. Obviously, relationships seem to be one of the number one things (but not the only one) that cause great changes in persona for anybody. Even my dealings with sweets hasn't caused a drastic turnaround in me though (even if at the time i believed i was affected more than i was). No, i am still Al, i am still a responsive person, i am still everything i was 5 years ago and little more. To tell you the truth, i sometimes wonder if i should've had a bigger change take place in me over all this time, or if i simply had the formula right when i was in 8th grade so long ago. Was i that early to discover myself? Or am i missing a large piece of the puzzle? Maybe i changed more than is plainly obvious to me, or maybe i'm on the verge of drastic change as i speak. Sorry, i guess i lied, i wasn't really done with revelations, that one was just more about me than you (as a mass). Last Wed. i had gotten my homework done the night before so i could hop in my car and drive to see Kaitlin in Gainesville. She had requested that i join her for her bible group or something, and i had said i'd try to go since i got back from NYC, but i never really got on it, so i just got up and went finally. I'm glad i did. Kaitlin was nice to see again and while i caused us to miss most of the church thing, we did get to see some of it, we went out to eat, and caught up a little with each other. It's nice to have somebody like her, who is removed enough from my every-day life, yet still close enough to it to enjoy. I showed her family some of the new dance lifts Plesher's been teaching me, and they were amused. Even took a few pictures. Kaitlin's little sister has a nickname for me, which i find a bit odd because she had never seen me previous to that night. I guess Kaitlin told her enough for her to decide i was an important character. Made me feel good, in my own little way. I initiated the first meeting of the Improv Vets this last Friday. Meeting went well. We cleared up the things that needed to be cleared up and we'll be operating on a regular basis from now on. I like feeling responsible for a group of people i really care about. Makes me resent loosing the Thespian Vice Presidency even more; but i don't complain cause there are other ways to push my influence than holding the responsibility to the thespians. I just want to leave a mark this year. My own little legacy. Even if it can't measure up to that of people like Joel, Liz, or Ashley. To move a group of people forward or bring them together in a new way would give me so much personal satisfaction, and that's hard to come by. After the meeting i took Nicki home. It's a shame i missed my lifts instruction, but that only happens if Plesher has extra time anyways, and Nicki was mondo more important. I have a respect for Nicki that goes beyond what most people can readily see. In my eyes, she is an everyday heroine. And it's a thankless job, nothing glorious or rewarding about it. I just hope she knows that somebody notices every time she gives herself to comfort others. She is almost voluntarily exploited sometimes, and at the same time, it's not exploiting at all. She is an incredible person who does a lot of good that she will never be thanked for, people will forget, and it will be inconsequential in mere months, but I notice. Steve-o's birthday is fast approaching and i don't really know what to do. It's important to me that i commemorate it more than any other persons birthday because, for a long time, i've considered Steve-o my best friend. That term can be taken as lightly or as heavily as anybody wants it to be taken, but for a person like me at least, it holds some weight. I am not a anti-social person; but i do not develop close ties with people very well. That quiz i took forever ago that told me i was "Gambit" of the X-men because i keep to myself wasn't too far off the money. It's not that i don't make friends well, it's just that very few people ever advance past a "well-you-aren't-really-an-aquantaince-anymore-so-i-guess-you're-my-friend" stage with me. I know a lot of people, i'm pretty well known among people. Kids i don't know on my high school campus know of me even if they don't know who i am. And i like that (it goes back to my wanting to leave a mark thing earlier mentioned). But how many people do i open up to? Precious few. This is why it's important to me to make some kind of stand out thing happen or come about for Steve-o's 18th birthday. I do relate to him, i have sought his council when i needed it, and he has never disappointed me. He's been everything a best friend should be regardless of if i see him much during the day anymore or if we know what's happening with each other's lives much nowadays. Ask your parents who they remember from their high school days and they'll probably be able to list about 12 that they recall for a particular reason, and about 2 or 3 that they remember very vividly. Steve-o will be one of the people i remember vividly for the rest of my life. I have a Homecoming date. She's an absolutely gorgeous girl and an incredibly thoughtful person. At the same time, she's a dangerous character and I must be very aware of her. All this considered, i don't believe it'd be possible for me to find somebody more fun to go with. There will be nothing to regret my senior Homecoming dance. I have been selected to represent our Thespian troup along with Robert Estill and my Sis in auditioning for the Opening Number of the Thespian State Conference. This is my opportunity knocking. This is my shot. If i throw this away, i may as well let whatever sliver of an ego i have left shrivel up and die. There are three solos open to auditioning for as well (in addition to getting into the 50 person ensemble), two of which, "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" and "Another Pyramid", i am very interested in. I want this badly, and it would do wonders for me to acquire one of those solos. "Another Pyramid" auditionees are described as being "a sexy, solid man". This means i have to work on my sexy appeal in the next week, regardless of how important it is to me on a daily basis. So please, if you know fashion, if you know sexy, if you understand the nature of what makes a hot guy, help to give me pointers this week before i audition.
Finally, i have selected a topic for my extended essay and chosen a teacher mentor..... get this:
Let's see, what haven't i addressed? Oh, i'm a bit frustrated i haven't kissed a girl for quite a while....so there's that.
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8/16/04 | |
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Current mood:
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You gunna drink yourself into oblivion?
no You gunna go destroy something? no You gunna kill somebody finally? no This is the third time this has happened isn't it? yes Have you ever needed something more than those three things? i dunno What are you going to do about it? ... leave me alone... |
8/15/04 | |
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So summer's out for the school finally.
I stopped to think about it for a while and wow, we're seniors. Hopefully i'm one of the last people to have this hit them (although i expect a relapse somewhere in the second semester when we all realize we're finally going away soon). I don't feel the status on me yet, i expected the same thing when i was an 8th grader in middle school but it never came until i made up a feeling for it. Most likely i'll have to do the same thing this year.
Now that i'm a week into school i can shape out how my classes will probably go already. History: I've never been one for history, i usually leave that to Jan and Max and those history buffs. Add to this fact that i've had Wolff prepping me for two years and i might have to put my biggest effort forward in this class as far as maintaining a regular performance. Lit: Whatever i've ever lacked in History doesn't look so bad in the light of Lit class, i just don't have the gift of a writer generally speaking (although i like to think i've gotten much better). However i have Thompson there to work with. As has been the case in past years, i'll make a pretty good experience out of literature through the performance and creative input part of it.
Psychology: I think i just might learn to love this class. Much as i resent the absence of IB Drama as an option this year, i think that if i keep a good pace with the workload i can turn this class into a great experience. As my mission statement for the class states: "I will better learn to manipulate people through understanding how they work as individuals and as a society".
ToK: Assuming i recover from the opening test grade and maintain my regular mindset throughout the year, i think i'm set.
IB Calc AB: Well it's just the first part of the year-round deal i got myself into, but i think i'll be alright. So far i think i'm oiling my rusty math skills very nicely and i should be in working condition and maybe better given 2 or 3 more weeks.
Isn't it sad that that parking lot is the pinnacle of things to do for kids in Cumming, GA? The place seems so dead to me at times that it's life-draining just to be there. It's like watching one of those artistic movies that has passed a point of redemption and you know that there can't be a happy ending anymore. Cigarettes trip you out of a promising reality.
I want a skylight in my room. Quite hard considering it's in the basement...
I need recording software for my PC. I have the hardware that's more than sufficient and i just have that artistic tingle bothering me again. It's been getting bigger and bigger and i can't stand it anymore.
Speaking of art, Drama is shaping out to be....... oh never mind.....
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7/31/04 | |
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Current mood:
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I've seen better days.
My cup's filled up with five-buck wine *shrug* I've seen better days... |
7/28/04 | |
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Current mood:
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I'm scared.
Wow, that's deep. I'm just kinda jumpy and i want more physical contact with people. There are my woes. New York was fun, i think Al belongs in the city, if not New York some other crowded, busy place. He made some new friends there, not that it doesn't him much good now that he's back in Cumming, GA. Uhhh.... i don't know how the shows went, the only time i was out and about in NYC was when i had to get all nasty to this Subway guy who didn't want to honor the sub cards that Al stole. I got the job done, i don't know why Al doesn't let me take care of more things like that. I debated with Al to try to get him to get some action while in NY, but it didn't work. He met this Kaitlin girl who was pretty hot, but made nothing of it *rolls eyes*. I swear, the punk acts like he's always got some girl off somewhere else that he's being devoted to, but the fact is, he doesn't. I don't know what exactly is wrong with him, which is a first cause i know Al inside and out. Summer homework is about as fun as walking around all day with a handful of jagged rocks in your pants. Ever since we got home all Al's done is read (and not quickly either, if i had to do it i'd just do it and get it out of the way, but Al gets so distracted and only half-reads the whole time). Thespian leadership retreat coming up. Should be fun. Al has to drive for the scavenger hunt, in turn he gets his firstborn child back. I feel like romancing a lady. If you're a lady, you're decent looking, you're not dumb as a doorknob, and you can deal with some baseless flirting, lemme know. |
7/17/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Ok semi-depression ended a while back. You just gotta deal with those sometimes you know? Being an emotional rollercoaster has got to beat a flat ride anyways.
I'm leaving for New York in about 6 hours. I think this is the only real getaway i've had all summer and i'm looking forward to it a lot. Joining me in representing males on the trip will be only Stephen and Kendal. This is going to be more fun than i've had all summer. Steve-o and i have a regular work-out plan. Our motives are a little different, but the idea is the same and we've been doing a good job of motivating each other for a week so far. The plan is to keep this up well into the school year. I like the plan cause it also gives me an excuse to hang out with Steve-o a lot more again. We just didn't see as much of each other over junior year but i think that's a completely different story from this year. Hell maybe we can even scrap Elusive Soul back together and make some new stuff. If any of you recall we had promised Spiegel a reprise of the Spiegel song if he was still our teacher in 12th grade. Well, that wouldn't have been the case for Stephen, but even for me Spiegel is no longer gunna be there this year. Not sure what to think about that really. Spiegel seemed to me to like people with the most raw intellect power as appose to those who were obviously going to do better intellectually, hence he kinda liked me, i had raw horse power but not really the right kind of drive for it. Anyways he's not here so no Spiegel song 2.... i guess he did start dating..... Sweets made me a pair of boxers today. They are AMAZING! They say "DANCE" on the crotch pocket and "DISCO" right across my butt, complete with dancing figurines for each sex. ....and there will not be an updated boxer chart anytime soon, just in case you were wondering. Nega-Al is a dick.
I'm done working at Subway, and even though i quit with notice and parted on friendly terms, my assistant manager and i still wanted to make a scene, so at 5 'o clock he started yelling at me because i made a sandwich wrong and told me i was fired, so i yelled back at him and said i quit, and we kept yelling and i took some cups and almonds just to spite him and threw them at him when he came after me, and he eventually tackled me through the front door and we had a fight out on the sidewalk until the lady ruinning the laundry matt next door yelled at us to stop the violence. I then walked around back to drop off my shirt, we laughed about it, they gave me my tips for the day, told me i did a great job at making a big scene and it was fun working with me, and i left.
Feminine curves are so intruiging. It's strange how something can be just so smooth and round, and i'm not talking about curves on a woman specifically, just curves all around. Everything that rounds off into a crevice just has an erie beauty to it. I wanted to have ice cream with a girl tonight, but Genie was at a wedding, Josie was grounded, and Taylor sounded like she'd go, but then my dad called me in for the night. Dammit. I'm ready to get out of this hell hole. I'll miss some of you dearly, and others moderately. Still others i'll just breath a sigh of relief to get away from you. *smile* bye! |
7/10/04 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Current mood:
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Hey hey hey! Guess who gets to do today's journal entry all by himself? Yes, that's right, Nega-Al coming to you completely independant of Al and all of his moodyness, lonelyness, complaining, and boring life details.
As you can see from the previous entry, Al was having one of his worst memorable weeks, and because of this, he got to experience a complete emotional breakdown which i thought was just fuckin' hilarious. In any case, he lost his will to even communicate with me while he stayed by himself and cried so instead of just waiting for him to get over it like i usually do, me being the patient person i am, i decided to take over the journal for the time being. I don't really have much to say concerning myself as Al rarely lets me out in public thus limiting my life experiences, so instead, i put together a helpful little chart that will allow all of you some valuable insight into Al, since he's the one you all know anyways. Here is an excellent way to decode a little bit of Al based on his boxers:
Well that pretty much covers it. I'd feel well informed if i were you and i just read that! I'd better go check on Al, he's still kinda a wreck. Hey, be a good friend and help me get this emotional drag out of his semi-depression! I can't have fun while he's still like this. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
7/6/04 | |
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Current mood:
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3:02 p.m.
That was a really bad day. That was me at my emotional worst. I think maybe i just needed some sun. All the same, everyone is entitled to an entry that's just absurdly depressing every now and then. Sorry. 2:08 a.m. Bad. I feel like such a shell of an actual human being. There's nothing to me. I do all these things that have wieght and meaning, but i myself don't have any substance. When you stop to think about it, it's an amazing thing that people can force themselves to continue doing things of worth when they have no worth to their character or person. Out of sheer will power and lies to oneself, one can motivate oneslef to do anything that meeds to be done in preparation perhaps for sometime soon becoming a real person again.I've continued on for months and only felt a brief few sparks of actual being. I don't usually let myself fall into a depression, i just know that they don't get me anywhere. Instead i experience these small, depression-like things that are still mixed in with a lot of practicality and reluctance to let my emotions get the best of me. I'm generally not a very emotional guy, i see other people who are, and it doesn't work out for them, so why would it work for me? But maybe i'm missing something. Maybe there really is something that happens to you when you just let yourself go. When you stop trying to grab onto the walls of the bottomless pit and just... fall. What's causing all this? Well, nobody's ever really sure what one thing causes them. In most cases it's a compilation of stuff. I think it's something i'm denying myself. It's like i'm hungry and i'm witholding food from myself. I want companionship, but i won't take it. I want exclusiveness, but i won't look for it. I want something i'm no longer sure i even ever had. I want to hate. I want to love. I want to just be full, not feel full, but be full. And what will do that? God? no, i don't think so. A special friend? no, probably not. Self-improvement? no, i've found that to be the biggest dead end of all. It's been a good summer. I think i'll go hit rock bottom. And maybe there's a reason not to try to stop myself. |
7/5/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Last Friday i was sitting at home and i really didn't want to be alone and i wanted to have fun. So i went to see Genie. There was a little girl at the pool i met her at, and that little girl sang about how i was Genie's "boyfriend" and i laughed cause i thought that little girl sang the song a little too well. She seemed to know the "boyfriend" song mellody to the expert point where only consistancy and repetativeness could've shaped her skill.
I later played chess with Genie and talked with her a bit. I thought about letting her win, but decided against it. That way she'll feel better about actually having beaten me someday. She's really got a lot more to her than you would think from an objective view. Genie seems to me to be the kind of person who is eager to keep people happy and sometimes makes herself a sacrifice for that goal. I like getting closer to knowing who she really is. I like that she was willing to talk to me like she was actually comfortable with me. She acted more relaxed and at ease around me than many of my friends i've known much longer. After a while her mom and sister started talking with us and we started to trail into a long dicussion about our really screwed up school experiences. It was just packed full of laughs for the rest of the night. After a couple hours i realized the night had dissapeared so i made my exit. It was great company on the night i most needed it, the 2nd. I'm very proud of myself, and i'm very appreciative of Genie. Could be the start of a good friendship. |
7/2/04 | |
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| Current mood:
| I'm going out. |
6/25/04 | |
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Current mood:
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It's actually been a big week and i've been more busy than i would've planned on.
Last Sat. i went to the Ice Queen's pool in the evening. Lee's an interesting girl, i would know. She was accompanied by Connor's (our long-lost IBer) brother, who tragically wasn't near as witty as Connor himself. Also there was this red-headed kid, he didn't do much besides play basketball with his head. I concluded that i should probably help Jan keep an eye on the Ice Queen, she's crafty in ways few women can comprehend, and that's to her credit in most cases, but man... poor Jan. It's hard to tell who's a step ahead of who in that relationship. It's a tragedy that i haven't gotten to hang out with Lee more on this DK-less week, but as i said earlier, it's been busier than i could've guessed. In fact, i didn't get to hang out with almost anybody for the majority of the week, but i'll get to that later.
Monday was the worst day of work i think i've ever had. All of my co-workers basically sat back and took a 2 hour smoke break while i took care of all the customers and restocked and basically kept moving til the point i wanted to sit down under the sub assembly line and just cry for a while. To make things go faster i started asking for every customers' name when they started their order. Some people liked it, other people refused to even tell me and got a little ticked off, but overall i think people like it when you try to be a little more personal with them. The tip jar backed up my theory, as we (we being i) got 4 bucks more than usual. You think about it for a while and tell me if you think it's funny or freaky for some Subway worker to be making a sandwich and saying things like "OK Sally, do you want and mustard or mayo on your sub?" *DING!* "Oh, hold on, Frank's meatball sub is finished nuking, i'll be right back with you Sally!". Or do you think it better that they stick to refering to every single person as you, him, her, she, that guy, the fat girl at the end of the line? oh shut up....
Tuesday i woke up and ran some errands for my mom. This included going to shoe carnival to return some shoes. While on that part of the trip i was reminded that i haven't gotten a new pair of shoes in over 8 months, and i wondered to myself throughout the course of the day if i would benefit from new footwear. Next i went to the bank to do some paperwork for an ATM card. I've always been fine with just investing a sum of money and keeping some for spending, but this might change how i manage funds.
After applying for my ATM card, i went to Home Despot to pick up some of the very last things i needed for this project i've been working on for the past two weeks or so. The project was, of course, my birthday gift to Sweets. Imagine if you will, a palm tree that grows diet coke as appose to coconuts or something. Well, take that idea and run with it, and you get what i was making:
Most of the rest of the day was spent putting the finishing touches on it. This included going to Kay's house to make use of her dad's electric saw, which i didn't have access to at home. In fact, except for that saw at Kay's house, all my tools were manual tools.
Wednesday was Sweet's Birthday! After enduring some very pissed off mom (little incident involving the smell of spray paint) i headed off to meet her, Special K, and
After bowling we went to the arcade and got frustrated with the card money that doesn't actually work. We decided if any of us were to do drugs, it would be for the sole purpose of going on a truck tour on Jurassic Park Island (or the video game simulation). We pretended to play the game even though we found out later that it was out of order.... Kay apparently thought we were playing the whole time.... Special K...
Then we went back to Kay's and played some game that basically gives you two bad scenarios and you have to pick which one you'd rather do. It was...interesting.
After that i went home and got Kay to follow me because i needed her help to move Sweets' present. on the ride over to Sweets' house i was pretty sure Kay had lost her marbles. Some people are just crazy and you'd never know it.
Sweets didn't really like her present, she said "it was the thought that counts" and i guess that's kinda what it was left at. I got one or two pictures of her actual reaction, but those aren't for sharing *smile*.
Zen Daddy is awesome.
As for me, i'm still not sure if the tree was received how i wanted it to be, but i'm generally satisfied with the outcome. At very least i felt accomplished after finishing it. I love giving gifts.
I don't remember anything that happened on Thursday. It's very hazy, i remember not being too happy, but i can't remember why. It probably wasn't important.
Later, i was almost home when i got a call from Josh to go to band practice, so i stopped at home, grabbed my mic equipment and headed off to jam. I was dead tired, but managed to have a good time loosing what was left of my voice. I think that was also kinda therapeutic. After practice i went home and reflected for a while and played a little guitar that i haven't had need for in a long time. I miss having a reason to sound beautiful, a drive to learn something new. I hate having these songs finished in my mind and some of them actually materialized but not wanting anybody to hear them anymore. I crashed early that day.
Today was a work day. I supposedly made a dent in my summer reading and mowed some lawns and generally accomplished things. I don't know how true any of that is, all i do know is that i miss my sisters. A LOT.
Natalie has been gone for about a month in WI, and i guess i didn't realize how closely i connect with her sometimes. I have a few friends who are there when i need them, but my sister is simply always there (whether she wants to be or not). She, probably more than anybody else, reminds me that i'm lovely, i'm perfect, and somebody loves me. Thank God for women who love you besides your mom. They are so comforting, and so few and far between.
It rained today and i felt rested for the first time in a long time. Everybody left the house so i took the rare opportunity to walk around wearing a towel and some ninja face coverings. I felt pretty bad ass, cause i am.
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6/21/04 | |||||||
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Interesting outcome. I would've guessed a sugared rim, but no, they gotta make me all salty...
And they don't make a quick microwavable me either.... | ||||||
6/5/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Greetings all you fuckers! Nega-Al here. I'm sure Al has created alter-egos to express what he couldn't get away with saying before, but unlike those temporal punks, i plan to stay.
Here's the low-down: I'm a bit more straight-forward and less tactful than Al, so you can usually get to the meat of things more, but he'll try to tell you i have a tendency to lie. That fucker doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, i give all the facts, Jack. I tell the truths he doesn't have the guts to say. You'll be lucky to catch me in public though, as i usually only gain control when it's late and Al gets ticked off or sad enough. Stupid emotional bitch...
Alright, now that i'm done with intros, here's a little update on what Al's been really thinking (take it from me, i'd know):
On that note we move on to examine Al's report card that came back just yesterday. He hasn't seen it. His parents tell him they're disappointed in him *smile* and they refuse to show it to him as a form of cruel torture. I think they did this before in 8th grade too. To me, that sounds like a couple failed classes, maybe a few Cs and a B if he's lucky (the B being in one of his electives of course, maybe that Chorus class where you need a brain the size of Spiegel's left nut to pass). I'm guessing if he hasn't been booted from the IB program yet, he will be after this. Then again i could be completely underestimating him, i haven't seen the report card yet....
I noticed Al started a small work-out plan. Why did i notice this? Cause he makes ME do most of the running. Asshole.....
Al took the SATs this morning, and in fact, he was too tired to do it himself, so he let me take over at one point! I think i did all of sections 4 and 5 and totally rOxOred it. I don't know how he did on his part, but i would assume he did alright at least. He's a bright kid, just not as ambitious as me.
Here's a little tidbit of odd behavior that i'm sure Al would never share with you guys:
speaking of Al, he's starting to push me outta the way, i guess this is me signing off! I'll see you again soon fuckers!
Hey guys, Al here, please, pay no attention to Nega-Al. Most of what he says are lies anyways and he's all and all way too crude for you to pay any attention to him. Let me clear up some of the stuff he told you: Robin Hood is in fact, not a pain in the ass. In fact, i've enjoyed my part in the play. Guy of Guisbourne continues to become a deeper and then shallower character every time i go to practice. It almost seems like our director isn't sure where he wants me to take it, and since he's the kinda director you just let mold your character completely with; i'm getting a little sick of the inconsistencies. Ah well, it's his play. That whole it on our Maid Marian....... I'm not gunna comment on.... OK, Nega-Al completely over-exaggerated my report card status. The last time my parents told me they were disappointed in my performance was in 8th grade, and it turned out it was all A's with one C. That puts things in a little better perspective for you. Though i have no doubt i have my share of Bs coming my way and a possible C in French. Overall i probably won't see a GPA of less than 3.5 this semester. I have indeed started to keep in shape, but it's not the strenuous activity Nega-Al would have you believe. True, i let him do most of the running, but he's just better at that. He has a stronger will than i do, i have to admit, so it makes him more goal-driven. I still do the hard parts though. Yeah, i took the SATs today, and i don't know what Nega-Al's talking about, i did the whole test by myself. What he said there was just a bold-faced lie. I'm sure it's probably cheating to have alter-egos help you with the testing anyways, and you all know me better than to think i'd cheat a major test like the SATs. Either way, i think i did alright and i've got a shot at some really impressive scores.
All that stuff about full moon nights. Come on, who doesn't like to look at a full moon for a while? They're beautiful, don't let anything Nega-Al tells you make you think i'm somehow strange for that. I just think they're pretty, that's the full extent of it
......
Sorry 'bout that guys, he just gets on my nerves sometimes. Now that i'm done clearing up some of the misconceptions Nega-Al put out there for you, i'll talk about the rest of my day:
Later that day i went to a pick-up soccer game that started at Sharron Springs and moved to South Middle. The teams were a little unbalanced, but not to the point where you couldn't have fun with it either way. Tyler, Jeff, David, Daniel, and Becky made up one team while P Jizzle (i started just calling him "P"), me, Phaffy, Lee M., Ken, and Aisha made up the other team. To their credit, our defense (Ken and Aisha) actually made some good plays (didn't quite measure up to all the times they just watched David dribble by, but still, good plays) and Ken made the most powerful boot i've seen in months........right into Phaffy's right boob.
I made a detour on my way home cause i was dying of thirst. I went into Zaxby's and my old friend Trav was able to hook me up with some water free of charge without the management giving him too much trouble (oh man....i coulda gotten him fired...). Sweets and Kay were both working too. They're friendly faces, but i had to get home shortly thereafter so i left. Another thanks to Trav for the H2O hook-up.
Our neighborhood pool is open now, and it makes for a good place to hang out during the day. They've started to make everybody flash their swanky new Polo Fields member card every time we enter the pool, but they don't really look at it, and truth is, it's easy as cake to make a fake ID. Any of you people, just ask me, i'll change your last name to Enger and you'll be set with a laminated membership card in less than an hour.
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6/3/04 | |
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| Current mood:
| No big deal, but worth remembering. |
5/26/04 | |
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Current mood:
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*breaths in* Ahhhh...... fresh start!
Life:
Here i am. |