Dr. Kerry Weaver had endured a rough day. Her entire shift had been spent treating victims of a horrible race riot in downtown Chicago. She’d seen everything from gun shot wounds to deep knife gashes, some people had even used racial slurs when addressing her as she’d stood prying glass from skin tainted with blood of scarlet – the same shade coursing through her own veins.
Now, however, none of it mattered as she lay back into the warmth of her lover’s embrace, watching an afternoon sun color everything in crimson orange. The light strokes of her partner’s strong hands, comforting and soothing made everything seem alright.
“What are you thinking?” Sandy’s voice was so soft, almost a whisper as she pushed long dark fingers through silky red hair, lightly scratching.
Kerry’s eyes were closed as she sighed and leaned back against the other woman. “Not much. Just thinking of him.”
Sandy stilled her motions for just an instant as she tried not to become emotional. Kerry was better at dealing with issues straight on – especially when not under the influence of fertility drugs. The doctors had said to try again, the therapists had told them not to take it personally, but still…she couldn’t help herself.
“Tell me…” Sandy heard herself say as she exhaled slowly.
Kerry was completely relaxed. It had taken several weeks, but it had finally settled in her mind that he was gone. It wasn’t the worst thing in the universe, but for several weeks, it had been her universe. How did one get used to the soft almost nonexistence of tiny feet and hands tickling them from the inside, the beating of a tiny heart, the soul of another being growing inside you only to have him gone in an instant. Sandy felt a pang of sorrow as she waited, silently.
Finally, Kerry sighed. “I guess I just…miss him.” She said this with a slight smile, a sad smile. “Every time I think I’m over him, I feel a surge of acknowledgement flow through me like water.” Now, she opened her eyes and turned to her lover whose face looked ashen and strained.
“I wish things had been different.” She managed before standing and going inside the townhouse as Kerry looked on with curiosity. Sandy was taking it harder than Kerry, but…actually, maybe it wasn’t the losing him so much as the effect of losing him it’d had on the doctor.
“Sandy?” Kerry had followed her in from the patio and stood watching as she poured herself a drink. “You having a drink?”
Sandy didn’t answer, just continued to pour liquor into a glass. She hated that her melancholy came across as hostility, but alas…she couldn’t change anything. If only he’d been trapped inside a burning building, she felt as if she could have saved him, could have gotten him out. He’d be here. Instead, he’d been trapped inside Kerry, unable to fight, unable to continue…he’d been too weak.
Sandy took a large gulp and winced as Kerry watched.
“I’d rather you talked – instead of do that.” Kerry said gently, gesturing at the glass, and Sandy shrugged.
“That therapist said we had to deal with this in our own way.” She scratched an eyebrow. “That’s what I’m doing.”
Kerry nodded, approached Sandy and took the glass from her hand. “Talk to me.”
Sandy sighed. “Kerry…”
“Please…”
“I can’t.”
“You’re internalizing.” Kerry said softly. “I want to help you – we should help each other…”
The darker woman closed her eyes against hurt. “You know I love you, Kerry.”
Kerry nodded. “Yes, and I love you. We’ve come so far together.”
Sandy nodded. “I feel so….helpless, now.”
Kerry shook her head. “Don’t feel that way. Sandy, you’re such an amazing, strong, wonderful woman without whom I don’t know where I’d be – or what I’d be doing.” She sighed. “I miss him so much, but…this doesn’t have to break us apart. It shouldn’t.”
Sandy was having trouble keeping it together as her eyes became heavy with tears. “I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I could have helped…”
Kerry touched her cheek, brushed one caramel lock of hair from her face. “My body just wasn’t equipped…I don’t want you to feel responsible for anything.
Neither of us should. Maybe I just wanted him too badly.”
Now, her own eyes filled and she leaned towards her lover and put her arms around her. Comforting Sandy was like trying to put reigns on a turbulent storm. The firefighter had always been so used to handling her own battles, standing up for herself, being the aggressor, her inner turmoil always came to a head at some point, spilling over like high tide on the river.
Her narrow shoulders shook as Kerry held her close, whispering to her, stroking her hair, kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her eyelids.
“God…Kerry…” she was whispering, sobbing quietly. “ God, I feel like such a baby…”
“Ssshhh….” Kerry was whispering. “I have you. I have you, Sandy…I love you so much…”
The emptiness in her womb was stark contrast to the fullness of her heart as she held the other woman, rocking slowly.
Sandy’s hands came up to tangle in Kerry’s hair as they walked awkwardly to the couch and sank into the cushions, crying together, calming together, and finally recovering.
“Kerry…” Sandy whispered, kissing the doctor’s mouth deeply, tasting her salty tears. “You’re so amazing, Kerry.” She sighed, holding the redhead to her. “You’re all I ever need.”
Kerry smiled, deeply flattered as heat colored her cheeks. This woman had the unbelievable ability to constantly praise her. “You make me so happy.”
Now, the sun began to sink behind the clouds, and Sandy rested her chin on Kerry’s shoulder as they embraced. Even though the result was always the same, she couldn’t help but to ponder.
“What do you think he would have looked like?” she inquired softly into the silence, and Kerry sank deeper into the embrace, hugging tighter.
“Umm…well…” her voice had an uneven waver as she considered it. “…perhaps Charlie Brown?”
Against her, she could feel the rumbling of Sandy’s chuckle, and she knew her icebreaker had worked.
“Charlie Brown?” Sandy pulled back to regard her, a slight smile on her lovely features. “You don’t mean that…”
Kerry shrugged. “Either him or Linus…someone bald….”
Now, Sandy was laughing as she held onto Kerry, running fingers through her hair. Then, she stopped and regarded the other woman, gazing into blue eyes.
“Maybe Shakespeare…”
Kerry snorted a laugh. “God, I hope not.”
Now, both women sighed and sank back into the cushions as Sandy mused. “Maybe he looked like his father.”
Kerry met her eyes. “You think?”
Sandy shrugged. “Maybe – why not? After all…he was half the contributing factor.”
Kerry considered this. “Well… I wonder if Michael had hair when he was a baby. Maybe I should have asked.”
Sandy reclined back into the cushions. “I dunno…Gallant’s kind of a good looking guy…pretty intelligent.”
Kerry swallowed hard before considering her next words. “Maybe he’d do it again…I mean, contribute again.”
Sandy shook her head. “Maybe – but not so soon afterward. Nobody wants to go through that again so soon.” She touched Kerry’s face with gentle fingers.
Kerry nodded. “You’re right.” Now, she met deep chocolate eyes. “But I want you to know, I’m not afraid. I can do anything with you behind me.”
Sandy held her close. “Likewise, Kerry.”
FIN4NOW…
