RED HOT and BLUE
writer

Rain came down like cold tears signaling the end of summer as I sat forward in the recliner and watched over the top of my newspaper the sleeping form of my friend. She lay there, sprawled like a long, slender panther. Graceful and beautiful and capable of so much, but alone. Her child was gone, her husband was gone and all that remained was her own decaying self, but to look at her, you’d never know.
Her skin was like a milky cappuccino and her dark hair curled like ebony springs about her head, tumbling down her shoulders like a child’s plaything.
It had grown so much since I’d last seen her, so healthy and full…but even in death hair continues to grow.

Now, she stirred, and I pushed the Post aside and regarded her, concern etched on my face. Beneath her tank top, I could see her rib cage. My heart ached with every labored breath she took, and my stomach lurched with every heartbeat. Perhaps at this late in the game, they would be her last. My head pounded, and I cursed myself for not being analytical. I could convince her to get treatment again…I could treat her myself or….I could…I…
“Kerry…” her voice brought me back. I went to her side and sat near her, stroking her hair away from her face. It occurred to me, she’d been perspiring. Beads of sweat lined her forehead, but she didn’t seem to notice as she smiled up at me weakly. The act caused my throat to constrict.
“Jeanie.” I whispered, and I brought my hand to rest on her shoulder.
I hadn’t seen her in years, and then out of the blue I’d gotten a call from my once colleague and forever friend. It wasn’t just the mere fact that she’d been one of the few co-workers who had accepted my invitations to coffee (when that had been a severe need of mine). I had genuinely wanted her around, genuinely respected and admired her. I’d wished her illness on myself – one with not as much to look forward to, one who was not as well liked or even loved. Pathetic Kerry Weaver with her shitty attitude and her crutch. Suddenly visions of Africa popped into my mind and I knew I was drifting to my safe place. I made myself snap out of it, though. Afterall, who the hell was I to escape to a safe place? Some people had no safe place. Some people only had real life, and those were the people who deserved the credit - the ones who choose to deal with it head on.
“Jeanie.” I said again, brushing her impossibly soft hair from her face. “You’re sweating. I’ll get you a cold towel.”
She shook her head in protest even as I limped to the bathroom. On the shelves, I found a cloth checkered with various shades of purple and held it under the cold faucet. As I did this, I raised my eyes and something caught my attention. The tiny toothbrush had balloons and colors and rainbows and picking it up, turning it in my hands, I realized it had been her little boy’s.

In the sitting room, Jeanie faced me and her smile was warm, reminding me of so many days in the ER, her soft demeanor, her caring personality, her sweetness.
“You don’t have to do that.” She said sighing, and I was nearly brought to my knees by her beauty – inner and outer. Perching next to her, I silently brought the towel against her face, soaking up the sweat as well as cooling her. I felt my inner walls crumbling. There was so much I wanted to say, wanted to ask. She’d called on me but with the provisions that I not try and change her mind about treatment. She no longer wanted to go through any of it. She wanted to deal with her illness, face the inevitable. I respected her decision, but dammit, I hated it.
“I found something …”I held out the toothbrush and watched as her smile radiated her face even as it slowly faded. I cursed my own curiosity.
“You were wondering about Carlos.” She said simply, her breathing becoming labored. “Reggie took him away…as per my request.”
I sighed. “You don’t need to be alone. Not now…”
Rolling onto her back with some difficulty, she stared up at the ceiling, and I watched her, anticipating her words. I hoped she wouldn’t ask me to leave. Several moments passed before she responded.
“Kerry, I hate being useless – and I especially hate people feeling sorry for me.” Her eyes met mine. “I know you hate that also. Please don’t try and tell me you don’t.”
I nodded, thinking of several rebuttals. “I want the best for you….please let me take you to County. I’ll take care of you…I’ll, I’ll give you what you need, I’ll get the best care for you….you just…”
Shaking her head, she interrupted softly. “I asked you here - not as a doctor, but as a friend….” She took a deep breath. “If you can’t even do that, Kerry…”
I rolled my eyes, biting back a protest. “Jeanie…”
It was a cross between a sigh and a whine. Her grin told me she was entertained. I couldn’t help the slow smile that spread across my own face.
“Now,” she said, turning to me again, draping an arm across her tummy, reclining on her side. “Tell me what’s been going on with you.”
I sighed and sat back, still holding the towel in my hands, wringing it absently. “Well…uhhh…” I considered my life the past three years without her. “…you know about Mark.”
She nodded solemnly. “Yeah. I still can’t believe that…” There was a brief moment of tense silence as we remembered our friend, Mark Greene. His death still wracked me with discomfort and ill-ease. Now, I sat here with another friend on the edge of life, only I had time to tell her things, make whatever peace there was to be made, share with her my entire self. I had learned over time that sharing parts of myself with others filled empty spots in my soul, made life more purposeful.
“I came out.” The words flowed forward like the trickle of a brook, sliding against other stones of truth – not strong, but unstoppable nonetheless. Her face was blank and emotionless for a moment as she processed what I’d just said.
“You mean out of the closet?” The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. She seemed surprised and pleased and amazed all at once. Her brown eyes lit up – a juicy bit of gossip, I surmised. Suddenly I couldn’t meet them. “Kerry, that’s so cool. I had no idea…”
Now, I met her gaze and took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I feel so weird telling you that.” She rolled her eyes. “Are you happy? I mean, that’s the most important thing, right?”
I sighed. “I have been extraordinarily happy. Like with anything else, there have been rough times…” For the strangest reason, I had a sudden unexpected vision of Kim Legaspi pop into my mind. For several weeks, she’d been like an angel come to bless my world, but…things happened.
I watched Jeanie’s face searching for acceptance. “I don’t know why I feel like I need your approval.”
She smiled warmly. “I don’t know why either, Kerry. You’ve always set the standard for everyone else.”
I swallowed hard at that. Why the Hell did everybody respect me so much? “Jeanie, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but…” her eyes stared into mine, brown pools of intensity. “…I’ve always felt…a connection between us. I don’t mean, romantic…” I said in defense, but her smile was amused again. “…I just mean like a sisterly kind of….connection….”
“Kerry, you don’t have to be so afraid.” Her hand came out to touch mine. “We’re friends. Suddenly I don’t have many of those.”
My heart ached at her words. “Jeanie, please come to County. There are so many advancements being made – there’s this new cocktail on the market, and…”
“You’re doing it again.” Her voice was soft, weak. I held her hand tight. “Jeanie, please, don’t do this….I can’t…I…” Her thumb brushed over my knuckles. “Kerry, I know what you’re thinking….I’m thinking it too…”
I sighed and held her hand in both of mine. God, how could I just do nothing?

Standing in her kitchen, I stirred vegetable soup for her. It’s steam came up and fogged the windows as I stared past the streams of rain into her garden. Most of the significant vegetation had died and made way for weeds which seemed to claim the yard and turn their dark gazes onto the house as its next conquest.
The dark fern-like plants had started to snake its spiny arms up alongside brick and against the window pane. Caught up in this natural progression, I didn’t hear her enter the kitchen behind me.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
I turned, startled. “Jeanie.” I wiped my brow. “You should be resting.” Her skinny body seemed hunched a bit, and I felt ridiculous relying on my crutch. For the first time in my life, I felt like the strongest – the protector, the alpha female.
“I’m a big girl, Kerry.” Her voice was like the soft melodious chiming of the wind. She sat at the table and smiled up at me. “What smells good?”
I shrugged. “An old recipe – hope you like. I cleaned out your fridge, though.”
She smirked, rolling her eyes. “I don’t mind. It was starting to look like a moss garden. I’d be perfect if I had the Clap.”
I blushed, in spite of myself. “Jeanie, are you taking any meds?”
She shook her head. “Uhhh…Tylenol.”
I closed my eyes. I hated this. “Jeanie…”
“Extra strength.” Her smile was playful, even through her sickness. I felt my own stomach churning.
“I want you to take better care of yourself.” I stated, motherly.
She yawned, with difficulty, brushing me off. “Want some wine?”
I shook my head. “No thanks.” I was pouring her soup into a bowl I’d found on the top shelf when she took me by surprise with her next inquiry.
“So, tell me about your girlfriend.”
I turned, nearly spilling the hot liquid on myself. “My….girlfriend? Is that what you….”
She snorted. “Forget it, Kerry. If it’s too difficult…”
“No…” I cleared my throat. “…it isn’t that, I just….what should I tell you? She’s attractive, smart, funny…” I sighed. “…actually, we’re sort of taking a hiatus from one another, right now.”
Jeanie looked saddened by this. “Why? She sounds perfect.”
I shrugged. “She is perfect…I’m the one who needs works.”
I sat the bowl in front of her as she sighed and shook her head at me. “You sell yourself short. Kerry, you’re a catch.”
The blush deepened. “Right. Be careful, the soup is hot.”
“I mean it.” She continued. “Have you ever looked at yourself – I mean really looked? You have the perfect features, porcelain skin, awesome red hair – and your eyes…God…”
I turned away from her, busying myself at the sink, wondering why she’d never told me these things earlier. I’d oftentimes wondered what it would be like to be paired with Jeanie romantically – of course, I’d never have mentioned such a thing back in those days, and I wouldn’t even have allowed myself to entertain the thought beyond the realm of fantasy, but now…
“Kerry…” my name left her lips like a question, and I was forced to turn and meet those eyes. I couldn’t read them, they were masterful pools of mystery, perfect at hiding truths – but not intentionally. I believed she’d never withheld anything from me on purpose.
“I’m flattered.” I said softly, simply. She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them and picked up her spoon. “I like that you’re here, taking care of me.” She said before blowing softly at the utensil and sipping from it quietly. I watched quietly, one hand resting against the sink, the other on my crutch.
What the Hell was wrong with me? Here I was, feeling sorry for her, aching with the need to help her, while at the same time, I was enraptured by her, aching with a different sort of need for her. I watched her like a motherless woman watches a tiny sick child, desperate to care for it, planning to steal it right from under its mother’s nose. I suddenly wanted to go to her, caress her hair, embrace her, shield her. God, she thought I was attractive. How long had she thought that? Always, perhaps?
“This is delicious, Kerry.” She put down the spoon and dabbed at her lips with the cloth napkin. “It’s funny how ill-feelings can be cured with something warm and soothing in your belly.” Her eyes met mine again. “Kerry sit down, for God’s sake. I’m getting tired just looking at you.”
I sat as asked and glanced down at my hands folded on the table in front of me. Her voice made me look up.
“I used to cook for Reggie and Carlos all the time. They’d eat anything .” The memories brought a smile to her face. I smiled also. “I always liked to give Carlos spaghetti because he’d drop it all over himself and all over Reggie and me – at first Reggie would get upset about it, then he couldn’t help but laugh at the mess…they were a match made in heaven.” I watched her smile fade again as she scratched at her eyebrow, lowering her eyes. I spoke quietly.
“Do you want me to call them?”
She shook her head. “No, Kerry. It’s better to deal with this now. Instead of looking forward to an eternity…” she paused as her throat caught. “…an eternity without them.”
I reached my hand across the table and held hers, and she squeezed back before releasing it and getting up to go back to the living room. I followed her, making sure she made it safely. She hadn’t eaten half of her soup.

“Y’know Kerry, AIDS is Hell.” She laughed as she drank from a glass of wine. She was sprawled on the couch again, and I sat in a nearby chair. Me, always the analytical one sat forward, resting my arms on my knees.
“What’s your T-cell count?”
She shrugged, closing her eyes. “I really don’t know, Kerry….maybe three- four hundred…who can say, really?”
I sighed. “Why are you refusing treatment?”
Now, her face became hardened. I’d only seen her look this way one other time – right before she’d threatened to file a civil suit against County, years ago.
“I’m depressed, okay? Maybe you can’t understand, Kerry but if it were you in my position, then we’d see how hopeful you would be.” She sighed and covered her eyes with her arm. “I’m sorry.” She murmured. “I’m so…so…sorry…I….”
I shook my head. “Don’t apologize. It’s selfish of me…to keep pestering.”
Now, she moved her arm and gazed at me. “Selfish? How so, Kerry? How does you wanting treatment for me, selfish? I don’t understand.”
I shrugged before leaning back into the arm chair. “I guess I just don’t want to lose you…sooner than I have to, anyway.”
After a moment of silence, a slow smile spread across her face. “You’re so sweet to me. You always have been.”
I nodded. “I love…” I caught myself and cleared my throat. “…I care very much about you…I don’t want this for you.”
Her eyes danced as they met mine. “I love you too, Kerry.”
My throat constricted as she reached for my hand, and I gave it willingly. Perhaps in a different time, in a different place, I might’ve kneeled before her and planted a kiss on her lips, held her to me tightly, confessed my undying love for her, but…as it was, this was best – for the both of us.
“I’ll stay with you – for as long as you need me.” I said releasing her hand and draping a blanket over her sleepy form.
Her contented smile and her soft breathing was all the response I needed.

FIN

Fan Fiction