Erin and Yulanda (Elandy) are sitting on their high school theater's stage appearing to be hosting a… tea party? Elandy has a lovely china doll and Erin has a teddy bear that doesn't even have fur on its torso-just red cotton.
Erin: (in an exaggerated Cockney Accent) But Oi 'ate… Greg! (she throws the teddy bear across the room.)
Elandy: (with an exaggerated upper class British Accent) Eeek! Don't do that! Greg!
Erin: Oi'll do wot Oi loike.
Elandy: Enguard! (she jumps up into the 'Enguard' position)
Erin: (she salutes Elandy) Er... Yer supposed ta salute.
Elandy: I do not salute people of your station.
Erin: (shrieks) Enguard!
The girls launch into an elaborate sword fight complete with jumping over the sword as it goes under their feet, ducking beneath the sword, going into the splits to avoid the swing and doing backflips over dropped swords. Finally, Elandy gets her sword "stuck" in the "ground". Erin walks over to 'Greg', stabs him in the chest and begins circling him.
Erin: Oi 'ate Greg!
Elandy: Don't do that to Greg!
Erin: Oi'll do wot Oi loike, you pukin' dizzy-eyed measle. (She walks off-stage twirling her sword.)
Elandy: (finally dislodges her sword - and runs after Erin) Argh, I hate you! (the last thing we hear is a scream from Erin. Both girls walk back onto the stage and sit down on the edge of it)
Erin: That was a pretty good rehearsal.
Elandy: Yeah, I guess.
Erin: Anyway, I don't think we should rehearse anymore because then we'll know it too well and not pay attention at the performance and screw it up.
Elandy: (thinks for a minute) Okay. So why are we here anyway?
Erin: We're waiting for then Jellicles to come in here complaining about their roles so that we can start our production of "A Modernized Christmas Carol".
Elandy: Why are we making them do one of our Erin's Basement/Performance Class plays, anyway?
Erin: Because it's a relativity good play and you wanted to have them do it. You thought Misto would make a cute "Scott".
Elandy: Oh, right.
The girls sit in silence for a minute. You can tell they're bored because Erin is humming show tunes and doing the motions with her arms. Elandy is tapping a rhythm with her heels on the edge of the stage. Suddenly Bombalurina loudly enters the theater carrying her wardrobe bag- costumes courtesy of their performance class productions.
Bomby: This is some weird production of "A Christmas Carol" you're making us do. You don't even have a Scrooge. And who's this Ivy character I'm playing?
Erin: That's because it's not "A Christmas Carol". It's "A Modernized Christmas Carol". Some of the character's genders have been switched, we've added character, songs and plot twists. Anyway, Ivy is Scrooge.
Bomby: What!?! I'm playing Scrooge? Why?
Erin: Because I thought you'd be good in the role. Anyway, it's called "acting"- you know, pretending to be something your not? Where's everyone else?
Bomby: They're coming, don't worry.
The other Jellicles enter the theater loudly talking.
Erin: Hey guys? (they ignore her) Guys? (they continue to ignore her) Shut up! (they fall silent and stare at Erin) Okay, so we're doing "A Modernized Christmas Carol" which is this play we did a couple of times in my performance class. We've got good technical stuff and a nice theater so-
Pounce: I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why are we in your high school theater anyway?
Elandy: Um… I kind "borrowed" the key from the drama teacher?
Pounce: That's my girl!
Erin: (rolls her eyes) Their not even really dating. Anyway, we must start now. Can everyone please go backstage and get into costume? We're starting in 5 minutes. First scene- Rachel DeLock and Charlie Dickens.
10 minutes later (after being yelled at multiple times by Erin) the cast is finally ready for the first scene…
SCENE 1: The Spirit World
Cashel DeAndra and Charlie Dickens are sitting in the middle of a completely dark stage- except for a single white light trained on them. They are the narrator angels, dressed in white prom dresses, huge, sheer, white wings and tinsel halos. These characters are constantly onstage, watching, throughout the play. Anyway, the spotlight fades on and the play begins.
Cass: Hello and welcome to "A Modernized Catmas Carol".
Teazer: We are yer narrator-type people.
Cass: I am Cashel DeAndra.
Teazer: An' Oi am Charles Dickens. Wait a minute. Isn't Charles a boy's name?
Erin: Well, yes… but your just pretending to be Charles Dickens. You're actually Charlie Dickens, his great-granddaughter.
Teazer: (considers that for a minute) Isn't Charlie a boy's name too?
Erin: No. It's a boy-and-girl name.
Teazer: Oi'm playin' a boy? Oi refuse! (she removes her halo and stomps offstage. Erin is left staring at the stage.)
Erin: How did that happen?
Gus: Charles Dickens was a genius!
Erin: (patiently) Yes Gus. I'm glad to see you've learned Cassandra's part. But can we please get on with this? Who's 'Teazer's understudy?
Gus: Only one person can play that role!
Erin: (sighs) Let me guess. Gus; the theater cat?
Gus: Precisely!
Erin: Alright, Gus. You can play Charlie. (she snaps her fingers) Wardrobe?
Tumble: We have wardrobe?
Erin: Sure we do. Obviously very slow wardrobe though. (she snaps her fingers again) Wardrobe? (Tara and Lynn enter, carrying a wardrobe bag.)
Tumble: Your friends Tara and Lynn are wardrobe? That's pathetic.
Erin: Quiet you. They're incredibly effective. (the girls step away from Gus who is now dressed in a white suit with the same wings and halo as Cassandra) I told you so. Anyway, let's go from Cassandra's line after Charlie claims to be Charles Dickens.
Gus: Sure I am.
Cass: A fem- (pauses) Er, Erin? This line doesn't exactly work anymore.
Erin: (shoots Rumpleteazer an 'I told you so' glare) Yeah, I know. Just go onto the next set of protests.
Cass: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century genius.
Gus: Oh, I know. I know. So?
Cass: So, you're not him!
Gus: Oh ho ho-
Pounce: Who does he think he is? Santa Claus?
Gus: Silence!
Cass: And why is that?
Gus: Because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand.
Cass: Well, then prove it.
Gus: Fine. The Marleys were dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. -
Cass: Aw, ew, ew. What was that?
Gus: That's how the story starts. Anyway, the Marleys were dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. -
Cass: (sullenly) Who talks like that anyway?
Gus: Just go with it. This is a classic. So, anyway, Ivy saw the death certificate herself. That's how she was sure. You'll meet Ivy in a bit.
Cass: (has been rolling her eyes at Gus' speech) Ivy Bombers was what some of us might call a rich bit-
Gus: Hold it, Cashel! This is rated PG-13.
Cass: Uh, a rich girl. Yes. Jelly Newsome was her employee. Overworked, underpaid- the typical type.
Gus: And that's where you'll first meet Ivy. At her business, with her employee Jelly.
Erin: I seriously hope the next scene goes better.
Pounce: Wow, you really haven't done this before.
Ivy is working at her computer, wearing a suit composed of a long, black skirt with a slit up the side, a white blouse and a black "Buffy" jacket. Jelly is cleaning and wearing a cream and black checked skirt, a brown-white-green striped shirt and a scarf around her head. Charlie and Cashel are watching from the arch.
Elandy: Hey! Why is Jelly wearing my Holly costume?
Erin: Because that's the only Holly costume we had in her size.
Elandy: Oh, right. Heh, heh, just wait until Tara comes in here and sees Bomby in her Ivy costumes. Anyway… continue.
Cass: Christmas Eve, 2000.
Jelly: (approaches Ivy, shivering) Um, Miss Bombers?
Bomby: Yes, and is there a point to this interruption of my work?
Jelly: Um… the book keeping staff and I were wondering if, maybe, we could turn up the heat, just a little? It's awfully cold in here.
Bomby: I have a staff? Cool! I mean… um… (Erin nudges Yulanda who holds up a cue card) And waste monkey… (she squints at the cue card) Money! That's what you'd waste! And waste money? Put on a sweater.
Demi: Gosh, Bomby's mean.
Elandy: Just wait until the scene you have with her. Bwahahahahahaha!
Demi: That girl's just psychotic.
Jelly: Anyway.
A clock chimes.
Bomby: Well, this is my quitting time. I expect to see you here at 8:00 sharp tomorrow.
Jelly: Um… but tomorrow's Christmas Day!
Bomby: Fine. You may come in at 8:30 then.
Jelly: Half an hour? That's not exactly the custom on Christmas.
Bomby: And what is?
Jelly: Um, the entire day? (she cringes)
Erin: Jelly, the stage directions says "she cringes" not "she stamps her foot in annoyance".
Jelly: But this character is such a wimp!
Erin: Yes, but she's a nice wimp who gets to sing so hurry up and follow instructions so we can get on to the song.
Jelly: Fine. But she's still a wimp.
Bomby: Ahem?
Jelly: Yes ma'am.
Bomby: Be sure to turn off the heat when you leave. If you forget, it's your pay that is docked, not mine. And I can be sure that you'd need the money. (Ivy turns off her computer and leaves)
Tumble: Oooh, cold.
Pounce: Yes. That's what happens when you turn the heat off.
Tumble: That's not what I meant.
Tugger: As if that's not a song cue.
Jelly: I dreamed a dream in days gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed the Everlasting Cat would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid…
Alonzo: Why exactly is Jelly singing "I Dreamed a Dream"?
Erin: (sullenly) Why don't you ask Yulanda that?
Elandy: (shrugs) I thought it would fit.
Erin: Yep. The second time we performed this Yulanda was playing Holly, she was obsessed with "Les Misérables" and we were doing script revisions to fit the new actors. All of a sudden Yulanda's like "Hey, Holly dreams! She should sing "I Dreamed a Dream"! I love to sing that song! And "I Dreamed a Dream" became a permanent part of the show.
Jelly: Do you mind? Jellylorum here. Singing heart-tugging trademark song.
Erin: It's not the show's trademark song. Anyway, everyone's getting restless so just skip to the end.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seeeeeeeeeeeeemed.
Now life has killed,
The dream I dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeed!
Lec: Well, someone's a little excited about singing.
Sitting on a park bench is Ivy's sister, Demimber, and her friends Vicette, Halectra and Olivabub. Vicette is joyfully dancing around the bench.
Vicky: Mmm, Christmas! Just smell that wonderful Christmas-y air!
Lec: I know! It's all just so beautiful -and full of sap.
Sillabub: It's such a rush comin-
Jemima: (jumps up, in the audience, pointing a finger at Sillabub) Ahhhhhhhh! It's her!
Elandy: Yes, Jemima. We went to New York and stole Sillabub.
Erin: We needed another random kitten. Just ignore her, okay?
Jemi: But- but… she's evil. She's trying to become me!
Erin: Yes, we know that. You'll be safe for now and we're getting rid of her after this performance. Okay?
Jemi: Okay… (still watching Sillabub who grins evilly)
Erin: Go from December's line.
Vicky: So what did you get your father for Christmas this year?
Demi: Oh, I got him quite a few-
Bomby: Demimber, do you have to talk to these freaks?
Demi: Why? What's wrong with them?
Bomby: Well, if you really want to rub elbows with the middle-class and disgrace the family name, that's your own decision.
Pounce: Ooh, BURN!
Erin: Elandy, your boyfriend's talking like the guys at school!
Bomby: Of course you do. Look, De-mim-ber, I just had to spend the whole day at work I got tricked into giving Jelly Newsome the whole day off. I hate you, I hate Jelly, I hate this whole hick town- but most of all I hate Christmas! All that joy and good humor? Bah humbug! Let's go Demimber.
Jemi: But but… Christmas!!!!! (tears begin to form)
Bomby: Um… I was acting…
Jemi: Right.
Demi: Sorry guys… I better go calm her down…
As Demimber runs after her sister we hear a bit of reflection…
Lec: Bast, I can't believe you were ever friends with her.
Vicky: Me neither… but I don't know… she used to be different.
On the way home the two sisters run into Skimble Mullins.
Erin: And they run into Skimble… Skimbleshanks, you're in this scene!
Skimble: I am? Sorry lass. (runs onstage)
Erin: (shaking her head) Should have cast Alonzo as Kevin, should have cast Alonzo as Kevin.
Bomby: I think not.
Skimble notices the girls and walks over to them.
Skimble: Hello ladies. Ivy, you look beautiful as always. Demi- you look nice too.
Bomby: Stuff it, Skimble. (Skimble looks stricken and Ivy walks away)
Demi: Oh, I'm sorry. She's had a terrible day, I'm sure she didn't mean it.
Skimble: Yeah, whatever.
Demi: (runs to catch up with Ivy) Why'd you do that?
Bomby: Maybe there isn't in your world, but in my world there is more to life then the guys. I have no use for guys.
Misto: Someone's going against their character.
Bomby: Hey, yeah. Erin!
Erin: Don't worry. Ivy gets a boyfriend by the end of the show.
Bomby: Good.
Skimble, Vicky, Lec, Sillabub: There goes Mrs. Humbug,
There goes Mrs. Grim.
If they gave a prize for being mean,
The winner would be Lynn!
Jemi: Lynn? I thought her name was Ivy.
Erin: Well… it is, but we really wanted to put that song in there and Lynn was the only thing that would rhyme. Let's just say that her real name is Ivylyn.
Sillabub: Ivylyn? That's a stupid name.
Erin: This coming from the girl whose name is Sillabub…
Ivy and Demimber are sitting on a couch in their living room. Ivy has changed into a slightly more casual suit (pants instead of a skirt) and Demimber's joy in the holiday season is reflected in her sweater.
Tugger: Cats wearing clothes… madness.
Pounce: And this isn't?
Tugger: Good point.
Erin: Quiet you.
Bomby: What a stupid question. They were a bunch of stupid people talking about a stupid holiday. I felt like it.
Pounce: Didn't she just insult her own question?
Bomby: Why do you like Christmas so much?
Demi: Why do I like Christmas? Everlasting Cat, what a stupid question! Everyone is just so merry. It's so glamorous. (She leans on Bomby)
Erin: I knew we shouldn't have put that part in. It always makes the actors laugh too hard.
Elandy: But it's just so funny!
Vicky: She already did.
Elandy: Don't say other people's lines for them, Victoria.
Vicky: I didn't, did I?
Elandy: Yes. Watch.
Etcy and Tugger Lawerence enter through the door.
Etcy, Tugger: Merry Christmas!
Ivy screams and Demimber just shrugs.
Tugger: I can't believe you cast me married to Etcetera!
Erin: Aw, but it's just so cute!
Demi: Hi. What are you doing here? It is Christmas Eve after all. Shouldn't you be with your friends?
Tugger: Oh, we have a reason.
Etcy: And a Christmas-y reason.
Etcy takes off her coat and shivers. Tugger puts his arm around her.
Erin: Put your arm around Etcetera, Tugger!
Tugger: I don't wanna.
Erin: You have to! You're married to her and you love her and besides, it's in the script
Tugger grudgingly puts his arm around Etcy. She screams. Tugger glares at Erin. Erin shrugs.
Etcy: Awful cold out there.
Tugger: (glares at Ivy) Even colder in here.
Bomby: Well, if you have a reason then spit it out and get lost.
Etcy: Well, Tuggie-
Tugger: (in horror) TUGGIE!?! Now look what you've done Erin!
Erin: Meh.
Bomby: Everlasting Cat, no.
Demi: I'll be there.
Etcy: Oh good. I hope you both come.
Tugger: Hey, try to get a little Christmas Spirit, Ivy.
Tugger and Etcy turn to leave.
Bomby: Wait a minute, Etcy. Let me ask you something. Why did you get married anyway?
Etcy: Why because I fell in love. Yes, that's right! I love you Tugger!
Tugger: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Erin: (clapping) Very good, Tugger. Longest sustained no so far. Anyone care to beat him?
Bomby: Love? Ha. Love is just an abstract emotion, created by weak people who needed something to live for and felt that being full of sap would increase their living to the fullest.
Lec: Wow… I didn't understand a word of that but it sounded pretty cool. Etcy: I guess you've never been in love then Ivy.
Tugger: Good bye Demimber. See you tomorrow.
Etcy: I hope we'll see you too Ivy.
Tugger and Etcy put on their coats and leave.
Demi: Why are you so mean to everyone? Some day this will all backfire on you. And then you'll be sorry.
Demimber leaves.
Bomby: Backfire on me? Ha. Crazy talk.
Demi: Wow, my character's physic!
Erin: Yeah… kind of… I guess.
SCENE 5: The Spirit World
Gus: I told you Ivy was shrewd.
Cass: Shrewd? I don't even know what that word means. I object to this character. It makes me sound like a ditz. Um… what does shrewd mean anyway?
Erin: And they wonder why I cast Cassandra as Rachel.
Munku: Why are they fighting?
Erin: I don't know. I wasn't there when they wrote this part.
Elandy: Yes you were.
Erin: No I wasn't. I was in the hospital then.
Misto: (running over) You were in the hospital?
Erin: Yes, I had an infected bone, had an IV for 10 days- I tell you guys this every day!
Misto: Oh yeah.
Stepping away from this little drama,
Gus: Ivy liked the cold. The cold was cheap and Ivy liked cheap. She also liked to get her work done all the same.
Cass: While Demimber was out with Halectra, Vicette and Olivabub, Ivy was at home, in her room. Alone, in the cold.
Gus: Ivy liked her work. She liked the money it brought in. Although there was no work the next day, she would make up for it double.
Cass: So Ivy sat alone in her room, listening to the least Christmas-y music she could find- working.
Gus: Until something came that changed her life forever.
SCENE 6: Ivy's Bedroom
(Ivy is sitting on her bed in a fluffy pink nightgown with a matching robe and slippers, reading a finance book and listening to "Do You Hear The People Sing" from Les Misérables.)
Plato: (as the voice on the CD) It is time for us all to decide who we are
Elandy: Ah, yes, but you get to appear for curtain call in a nifty gold and red vest so stop complaining.
Plato: Ooh! Okay!
Do we fight for the right to a night at the opera now?
Is this simply a game for rich young boys to play-
This is such a stupid role! I don't even get to appear onstage.
Suddenly the music clicks off and the lights flicker.
Tant & Cori: We're Marley and Marley.
Our hearts were black as stone.
We took advantage of the poor,
Just ignored the needy.
We specialized in causing pain,
Spreading fear and doubt.
And if-
Tant: Okay, I'm not singing this anymore.
Cori: Me neither.
Erin: Why not?
Cori: Because it's a cruel song.
Erin: Fine. Just start saying the lines.
Bomby: Who… who are you?
Cori: We're the ghosts of your old business partners. Martopat and-
Tant: Marymile-
Cori: Marley.
Tant: These are stupid names.
Erin: You try to mix Mary and Marty with Tantomile and Coricopat better.
Tant: Fine. Tantry… Marant… Tantory… Cority… Corty… Martcor… Marymile and Martopat!
Erin: (rolls eyes) That's what I said.
Tant: Oh.
Cori: Why do you doubt your senses Ivy?
Bomby: Because they can lie! Yes, that's it. I had something wrong for dinner.
Both: Do you doubt a touch? Nwahahahahahaha!
Jemi: They're really scary as the Marleys.
Erin: Yeah, but it was either them or Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.
Jerrie: 'Ey! Wot's wrong wit' us?
Teazer: Yeah! We're serious! (giggles)
Jerrie: Shhhhh.
Erin: I rest my point.
Tant: Ooh, the chains!
Cori: We forged these chains in life, by the things we did, said, believed.
Bomby: Whazza?
Demi: "Whazza"? What does that mean?
Erin: Basically, it's just a variation of "what".
Demi: Well, that's stupid.
Elandy: Hey! Corey and Riley invented it, not us.
Pounce: Their chains don't look very thick. They're wearing tinsel.
Erin: Shut up Pouncival!
Bomby: No thank you, I've had enough of that.
Tant: Expect the first when the bell tolls one.
Tant & Cori: We're Marley and Marley,
Ooooooooooooooo…
Bomby: Why can't I see them all at once and get it over with?
Tumble: Yeah, why can't she see them all at once?
Pounce: Because that would be too easy.
Erin: Very good Pouncival. You're catching on now. But I have go set up the smoke and bubble machines now. You can have a 5-minute break.
Cats: Yay! (begin running out of the theater)
Erin: Wait! No spilling any food or drink on your costumes!
Elandy: And I read "H2$". No breaking the candy machines. The camera will be watching you…
Cats: Awwww... (leave more slowly)
Erin: Well, that was… interesting…
Oh dear, Erin, what were you thinking? Take me away.
