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My Fair Lady
Music: Frederick Loewe
Lyrics: Alan Jay Lerner
Book: Alan Jay Lerner
Film: 1964
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Close Caption Transcript
Sorry, sir,
I've already got it there.
Over here, sir!
Freddy, go and find a cab.
- Watch out, ducky!
- Get on with it, gov.
Don't just stand there, Freddy.
Go and find a cab.
All right, I'll go. I'll go.
Sorry.
Ohh!
- Look where you're goin', dear.
Look where you're goin'.
- I'm so sorry.
Two bunches of violets trod
in the mud. A full day's wages.
- Freddy. Freddy,
go and find a cab!
- Yes, Mother.
Oh, he's your son, is he?
Well, if you'd done your duty
by him as a mother should,
you wouldn't let him spoil
a poor girl's flowers and
then run away without payin'.
Oh, go about your business,
my girl.
And you wouldn't go off
without payin' either.
Two bunches of violets
trod in the mud.
- Jove! Good heavens!
- Oh, sir, is there
any sign of it stopping?
- I'm afraid not.
It's worse than before.
- Oh, dear!
If it's worse, it's a sign
it's nearly over.
Cheer up, captain.
Buy a flower off a poor girl?
- I'm sorry.
I haven't any change.
- Oh, I can change half a crown.
- Here, take this for tuppence.
- I told you, I'm awfully sorry.
I haven't-- Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, yes. Here's three ha'pence,
if that's any use to you.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, you, be careful.
Better give him a flower for it.
There's a bloke here behind
that pillar, taking down every
blessed word you're saying.
I ain't done nothing wrong
by speaking to the gentleman.
I've a right to sell flowers
if I keep off of the curb.
I'm a respectable girl,
so help me.
-I never spoke to him except to
ask him to buy a flower off me!
-Oh, don't start!
- What's all the bloomin' noise?
- There's a "tec"
takin' her down.
Well, I'm making
an honest living!
- Who's doing all that shouting?
- Where's it coming from?
Oh, sir, don't let him
charge me! You don't know
what it means to me!
They'll--
They'll take away me character
and drive me on the streets!
For-- For speaking to gentlemen!
There, there, there, there.
Who's hurting you, you silly
girl? What do you take me for?
- On my Bible oath,
I never spoke a word.
- Oh, shut up, shut up.
- Do I look like a policeman?
- Then what'd you take down
me words for?
How do I know you took me
down right? You just show me
what you wrote about me.
Oh.
- What's that? That ain't proper
writing. I can't read it.
- I can.
"I say, captain, now buy you
a flower off a poor girl."
Oh, it's 'cause
I called him "captain."
-I meant no harm. Oh, sir, don't
let him lay a charge against me
for a word like that!
-Charge?
- I'll make no charge.
- You don't know what--
Really, sir, if you are
a detective, you needn't
begin protecting me...
against molestation from
young women until I ask you.
Anyone can tell
the girl meant no harm.
He ain't no "tec." He's
a gentleman. Look at his boots.
How are all your people
down at Selsey?
Who told you my people
come from Selsey?
Never mind. They do.
How do you come to be
up so far east?
You were born in Lisson Grove.
Ohh, what harm is there
in my leaving Lisson Grove?
It weren't fit for a pig
to live in and I had to
pay four and six a week.
-Oh, live where you like,
but stop that noise.
-Come, come, he can't touch you.
You have a right
to live where you please.
- I'm a good girl, I am!
- Yes, dear. Yes.
- Where do I come from?
- Hoxton.
Well, who said I didn't?
Blimey, you know everything,
you do.
You, sir. Do you think
you could find me a taxi?
I don't know whether you've
noticed it, madam, but it's
stopped raining. You can get a
motor bus to, uh, Hampton Court.
- Well, that's where
you live, isn't it?
- What impertinence!
Hey, uh, tell him where
he comes from, you want
to go fortune telling.
Cheltenham, Harrow,
Cambridge and, uh, India?
- Quite right!
- Blimey, he ain't a "tec."
He's a bloomin' busybody.
- That's what he is.
- If I may ask, sir,
do you do this sort of thing
for a living at a music hall?
Well, I have thought of it.
Perhaps I will one day.
He's no gentleman. He ain't,
to interfere with a poor girl!
- How do you do it, may I ask?
- Simple phonetics.
The science of speech.
That's my profession.
Also my hobby.
Anyone can spot an Irishman
or a Yorkshireman by his brogue,
but I can place a man
within six miles.
I can place him
within two miles in London.
Sometimes within two streets.
He ought to be ashamed
of himself, unmanly coward!
- Is there a living in that?
- Oh, yes. Quite a fat one.
- Let him mind his own business
and leave a poor girl--
- Woman!
Cease this detestable
"boo-hooing" instantly...
or else seek the shelter
of some other place of worship.
I've a right to be here
if I like, same as you.
A woman who
utters such disgusting
and depressing noise,
she has no right to be anywhere,
no right to live.
Remember that you're a human
being with a soul and the divine
gift of articulate speech,
that your native language
is the language of Shakespeare
and Milton and the Bible.
Don't sit there crooning
like a bilious pigeon.
Ohh!
Look at her
A prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable
she utters
By right, she should
be taken out and hung
For the cold-blooded murder
of the English tongue
- Ohh!
- "Ohh!"
Heavens, what a sound
This is what the British
population
Calls an elementary education
Come, sir, I think
you picked a poor example.
Did I?
Hear them down in Soho Square
dropping "H"s everywhere
Speaking English
any way they like
- Uh, you, sir,
did you go to school
- What do you "tike" me for
a fool
No one taught him
"take" instead of "tike"
Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse
hear a Cornishman converse
I'd rather hear
a choir singing flat
Chickens cackling in a barn
- Just like this one
- Garn!
"Garn"! I ask you, sir,
what sort of word is that?
It's "ohh" and "garn"
that keep her in her place
Not her wretched clothes
and dirty face
Why can't the English teach
their children how to speak
This verbal class distinction
by now should be antique
If you spoke as she does, sir
instead of the way you do
- Why, you might be
selling flowers too
- I beg your pardon?
An Englishman's way of speaking
absolutely classifies him
The moment he talks
he makes some other
Englishman despise him
One common language
I'm afraid we'll never get
Oh, why can't the English
learn to
Set a good example
to people whose English
Is painful to your ears
The Scotch and the Irish
leave you close to tears
There even are places where
English completely disappears
Well, in America, they
haven't used it for years
Why can't the English teach
their children how to speak
Norwegians learn Norwegian
The Greeks are taught
their Greek
In France, every Frenchman
knows his language
from "A" to "zed"
The French don't care
what they do, actually, as long
as they pronounce it properly.
Arabians learn Arabian with
the speed of summer lightning
The Hebrews learn it backwards
which is absolutely frightening
Use proper English
You're regarded as a freak
Oh, why can't the English
Why can't the English learn
To speak
Thank you.
You see this creature
with her curbstone English,
the English that'll
keep her in the gutter
'til the end of her days?
Well, sir, in six months,
I could pass her off as a
duchess at an Embassy ball.
I could even get her
a job as a lady's maid
or a shop assistant...
which requires better English.
Here, what's that you say?
Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf;
you disgrace to the noble
architecture of these columns;
you incarnate insult
to the English language.
I could pass you off
as, uh, the Queen of Sheba.
- Ohh! You don't
believe that, captain?
- Anything's possible.
I, myself, am a student
of Indian dialects.
Are you?
Do you know Colonel Pickering,
the author ofSpoken Sanskrit?
I am Colonel Pickering.
Who are you?
I'm Henry Higgins, author of
Higgins' Universal Alphabet.
I came from India to meet you.
- I was going to India
to meet you!
- Higgins!
- Pickering!
- Higgins!
- Where are you staying?
- At the Carlton.
No, you're not. You're staying
at 27-A Wimpole Street.
- You come along with me. We'll
have a little jaw over supper.
- Right, you are.
- Indian dialects have
always fascinated me.
- Buy a flower, kind sir?
- I'm short for me lodging.
- Liar.
You said you could change
half a crown.
You ought to be stuffed
with nails, you ought!
Here, take the whole bloomin'
basket for sixpence!
A reminder.
- How many are there, actually?
- How many what?
- Eh, Indian dialects.
No fewer than 147
distinct languages are
recorded as vernacular.
Ohh.
Ohh!
- Ohh.
- Shouldn't we
stand up, gentlemen?
We've got a bloomin' heiress
in our midst.
Would you be looking
for a good butler, Eliza?
Well, you won't do.
It's rather dull in town
I think I'll take me to Paris
The missus wants to open up
the castle in Capri
Me doctor recommends
a quiet summer by the sea
Wouldn't it be loverly
Where you bound for this year,
Eliza? Biarritz?
All I want is a room somewhere
Far away
from the cold night air
With one enormous chair
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
Lots of chocolate
for me to eat
Lots of coal
makin' lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands
warm feet
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
Oh, so loverly sittin'
Abso-bloomin'-lutely still
I would never budge
'Til spring crept
over the windowsill
Someone's head restin'
on my knee
Warm and tender as he can be
Who takes good care of me
Oh, wouldn't it
Be loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
All I want
is a room somewhere
Far away
from the cold night air
With one enormous chair
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
Lots of chocolate
for me to eat
Lots of coal
making lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands
warm feet
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
Oh, so loverly sittin'
Abso-bloomin'-lutely still
I would never budge
'Til spring crept
over the window sill
Someone's head
resting on my knee
Warm and tender
as he can be
Who takes good care of me
Oh, wouldn't it
Be loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Oh, wouldn't it
Be loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Wouldn't it
Be loverly
Come on, come on.
Come on, Alfie, let's
go home now. This place
is giving me the willies.
Home? What do you want
to go home for?
It's nearly 5:00. My daughter
Eliza'll be along soon.
She ought to be good
for a half crown for
her father what loves her.
Loves her? That's a laugh.
You ain't been near her
for months.
What's that got to do with it?
What's half a crown after
all I've give her?
When did you ever
give her anything?
Anything?
I give her everything.
I give her the greatest gift
any human being can give
to another: life.
I introduced her to this
here planet, I did, with
all its wonders and marvels.
The sun that shines,
the moon that glows.
Hyde Park to walk through
on a fine spring night.
The whole ruddy city
of London to roam around in,
sellin' her bloomin' flowers.
I give her all that,
then I disappears and leaves her
on her own to enjoy it.
Now, if that ain't worth
half a crown now and again,
I'll take my belt off
and give her what for.
You've got a good heart,
Alfie, but you want a
half a crown out of Eliza,
- you better have
a good story to go with it.
- Leave that to me, my boy.
- Good morning, George.
- Not a brass farthing.
- Good morning, dear Algernon.
- Not a brass farthing.
London Press! Come on,
get your London Press here.
Lovely Spanish onions,
only five pence apiece!
Five pence apiece!
There she is.
Tomatoes over here.
Nice, ripe tomatoes.
Why, Eliza, what a surprise.
Hop along, Charlie.
You're too old for me.
-Don't you know your
own daughter, Alfie?
-How you gonna find her if you
don't know what she looks like?
I know her, I know her.
Come on. I'll find her.
- Eliza, what a surprise.
- Not a brass farthing.
Aye, here.
You come here, Eliza!
I ain't gonna take
me hard-earned wages
and let you pass 'em on
to a bloody pub keeper!
Cruel.
Eliza, you wouldn't have
the heart to send me home
to your stepmother...
without a drop of liquid
protection, now, would ya?
Stepmother, indeed.
Well, I'm willing to marry her.
It's me that suffers by it.
I'm a slave to that woman,
Eliza. Just because I ain't
her lawful husband.
Ah, come on. Slip your old dad
just half a crown to go home on.
- Well, I had a bit of luck
meself last night.
- Yeah?
So, here.
But don't keep comin' around
countin' on half crowns from me.
Thank you, Eliza.
You're a noble daughter.
Beer, beer
Glorious beer
Fill yourself right up to here
- But she's been ill.
- Yeah, I know.
You see this creature with her
curbstone English, the English
that'll keep her in the gutter
'til the end of her days?
In six months,
I could pass her off as
a duchess at an Embassy ball.
I could even get her a job as a
lady's maid or a shop assistant
which requires better English.
You disgrace to the noble
architecture of these columns!
I could even get her a job as a
lady's maid or a shop assistant
which requires better English.
Now, how many vowel sounds
do you think you've heard
altogether?
- I believe I counted 24.
- Wrong by a hundred.
- What?
- To be exact, you heard 130.
- Now listen to them
one at a time.
- Must I?
I'm really quite done up
for one morning.
Your name, please.
- Your name, miss.
- My name is of no concern
to you whatsoever.
One moment, please.
Oh, London is getting
so dirty these days.
I'm Mrs. Pearce,
the housekeeper.
Can I help you?
Oh, good morning, missus.
I'd like to see
the Professor, please.
- Could you tell me
what it's about?
- It's business
of a personal nature.
Oh. One moment, please.
- Mr. Higgins?
- What is it, Mrs. Pearce?
There's a young woman
who wants to see you, sir.
A young woman?
What does she want?
Oh, she's quite a common girl,
sir. Very common, indeed.
I should have sent her away,
only I thought perhaps
you wanted her to talk
into your machine.
- Has she an interesting accent?
- Simply ghastly, Mr. Higgins.
- Good. Let's have her in.
Show her in, Mrs. Pearce.
- Very well, sir.
It's for you to say.
You know, this is rather
a bit of luck. I'll show you
how I make records.
We'll set her talking
and then I'll take her down
first in Bell's Visible Speech,
and then in broad Romaic,
and then we'll get her
on the phonograph...
so you can turn her on
whenever you want with the
written transcript before you.
- This is the young woman, sir.
- Good morning, my good man.
- Might I have the pleasure of
a word with you face-to-face?
- Oh, no, no, no.
This is the girl I jotted down
last night. She's no use.
I've got all the records I want
of the Lisson Grove lingo.
I'm not going to waste another
cylinder on that. Now be off
with you. I don't want you.
Don't be so saucy. You ain't
heard what I come for yet. Did
you tell him I come in a taxi?
Nonsense, girl.
What do you think
a gentleman like Mr. Higgins
cares what you came in?
Oh, we are proud.
Well, he ain't above
giving lessons. Not him.
I heard him say so.
Well, I ain't come here
to ask for any compliment,
and if my money's not good
enough, I can go elsewhere.
- Good enough for what?
- Good enough for you.
Now you know, don't ya?
I'm come to have lessons, I am.
And to pay for 'em too,
make no mistake.
Well. And, um, what do you
expect me to say?
Well, if you was a gentleman,
you might ask me to sit down,
I think.
Don't I tell you
I'm bringing you business?
Uh, Pickering, should we ask
this baggage to sit down
or should we just throw her
out of the window?
Oh! I won't be called a baggage,
not when I've offered to pay
like any lady.
What do you want, my girl?
I-- I want to be a lady
in a flower shop...
instead of standing at the
corner of Tottenham Court Road.
But they won't take me
unless I can talk more genteel.
He said he could teach me.
Well, here I am.
Ready to pay him, not asking
any favor. And he treats me
as if I was dirt!
I know what lessons cost
as well as you do,
and I'm ready to pay.
- How much?
- Now you're talkin'.
I thought you'd come off it
when you saw a chance
of getting back a bit of what
you chucked at me last night.
- You'd had a drop in,
hadn't you, eh?
- Sit down!
- Oh, well, if you're going
to make a compliment of it--
- Sit down!
- Sit down, girl.
Do as you're told.
- Ohh!
- What's your name?
- Eliza Doolittle.
Won't you sit down,
Miss, uh, Doolittle?
Oh. I don't mind if I do.
Now, uh,
- how much do you propose
to pay me for these lessons?
- Oh, I know what's right.
A lady friend of mine gets
French lessons for eighteen
pence an hour...
from a real
French gentleman.
Well, you wouldn't have the face
to ask me the same for teachin'
me my own language...
as you would for French, so I
won't give more than a shillin',
take it or leave it.
You know, Pickering,
if you think of a shilling...
not as a simple shilling,
but as a percentage
of this girl's income,
it works out as fully
equivalent of, uh,
60 or 70 pounds
from a millionaire.
By George, it's enormous.
It's the biggest offer
I ever had.
Sixty pounds!
What are you talking about?
Where would I get sixty pounds?
- I never offered you 60 pounds!
- Oh, hold your tongue.
- But I ain't got 60 pounds!
Oh, don't cry, you silly girl.
Sit down. Nobody's going to
touch your money.
Somebody's going to
touch you with a broomstick
if you don't stop sniveling.
Sit down!
Oh, anybody would think
he was my father.
If I decide to teach you,
I'll be worse than
two fathers to you.
Oh, here.
- What's this for?
- To wipe your eyes.
To wipe any part of your face
that feels moist.
And remember,
that's your handkerchief
and that's your sleeve,
and don't confuse the one
with the other if you want to
become a lady in a shop.
It's no use to talk to her
like that, Mr. Higgins.
She doesn't understand you.
Here, give
that handkerchief to me!
He give it to me, not to you.
Higgins, I'm interested.
What about your boast that you
could pass her off as a duchess
at the Embassy ball, eh?
I'll say you're
the greatest teacher alive
if you can make that good.
I'll bet you all the
expenses of the experiment
that you can't do it.
I'll even pay for the lessons.
Oh, you're real good.
Thank you, captain.
You know,
it's almost irresistible.
She's so deliciously low,
so horribly dirty.
I ain't dirty!
I washed my face and hands
before I come, I did.
- I'll take it.
I'll make a duchess of this
draggle-tailed guttersnipe.
- Ohh!
We'll start today. Now.
This moment. Take her away,
Mrs. Pearce, and clean her.
Sandpaper, if it won't come off
any other way. Is it a good fire
in the kitchen?
- Yes, but I--
- Take all her clothes off
and burn them, and ring up
and order some new ones.
Just wrap her in brown paper
'til they come.
You're no gentleman, you're not,
to talk of such things.
I'm a good girl, I am,
and I know what the likes
of you are, I do.
We want none of your slum
prudery here, young woman.
You've got to learn
to behave like a duchess.
Now take her away, Mrs. Pearce,
and if she gives you
any trouble, wallop her.
- I'll call the police, I will!
- But I've got no place
to put her.
- Well, put her in the dustbin.
- Ohh!
Come, Higgins, be reasonable.
You must be reasonable,
Mr. Higgins. Really, you must.
You can't walk over everybody
like this.
I? Walk over everybody?
My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear
Pickering, I had no intention
of walking over anybody.
I merely suggested we should
be kind to this poor girl.
I didn't express
myself clearly...
because I didn't wish to hurt
her delicacy or yours.
But, sir, you, you can't
take a girl up like that...
as, as if you were picking up
a pebble on the beach.
- Why not?
- Why not? But you don't
know anything about her.
- What about her parents?
She may be married.
- Garn!
There, as the girl
very properly says, "Garn!"
Who'd marry me?
By George, Eliza,
the streets will be strewn
with the bodies of men...
shooting themselves for your
sake before I've done with you.
Here, I'm going.
He's off his chump, he is.
I don't want no balmies
teaching me.
Oh, mad, am I? All right,
Mrs. Pearce, don't ring up
and order those new clothes.
- Throw her out!
- Stop, Mr. Higgins.
I won't allow it.
- Go home to your parents, girl.
- I ain't got no parents.
There you are. She ain't got
no parents. What's all the fuss
about? Nobody wants her.
- She's no use to anybody
but me, so take her upstairs!
- But what's to become of her?
Is she to be paid anything?
Oh, do be sensible, sir.
What would she do with money?
She'll have her food and her
clothes. She'll only drink
if you give her money.
Oh, you are a brute! It's a lie!
Nobody ever saw the sign
of liquor on me.
Oh, sir, you are a gentleman.
Don't let him speak to me
like that.
Does it occur to you, Higgins,
the girl has some feelings?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
No feelings we need worry about.
- Well, have you, Eliza?
- I've got my feelings,
same as anyone else.
Mr. Higgins, I must know on what
terms the girl is to be here.
What's to become of her when
you've finished your teaching?
You must look ahead
a little, sir.
What's to become of her
if we leave her in the gutter?
Answer me that, Mrs. Pearce.
That's her own business,
not yours, Mr. Higgins.
Well, when I'm done with her
we'll throw her back in the
gutter and then it'll be
her own business again.
-So that'll be
all right, won't it?
-You've no feelin' heart in you.
You don't care for nothing
but yourself.
Here, I've had enough of this.
I'm goin', I am. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, you ought.
Have some chocolates, Eliza.
How do I know what might be
in 'em? I bet a girl's been
drugged by the likes of you.
Pledge of good faith.
I'll take one half...
and you take the other.
You'll have boxes of them,
barrels of them every day.
You'll live on them, eh?
I wouldn't have et it,
only I'm too ladylike
to take it out of me mouth.
Think of it, Eliza.
Think of chocolates.
And taxis and gold and diamonds!
Ohh!
I don't want no gold
and no diamonds.
I'm a good girl, I am.
Higgins,
I really must interfere.
Mrs. Pearce is quite right.
If this girl's going to
put herself in your hands
for six months for an
experiment in teaching,
she must understand thoroughly
what she's doing.
Hmm. Eliza.
You are to stay here for
the next six months, learning
how to speak beautifully.
Like a lady
in a florist shop.
If you're good and do whatever
you're told, you shall sleep
in a proper bedroom,
have lots to eat,
and money to buy chocolates
and take rides in taxis.
But if you are
naughty and idle,
you shall sleep
in the back kitchen
amongst the black beetles...
and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce
with a broomstick.
At the end of six months,
you shall be taken
to Buckingham Palace...
in a carriage,
beautifully dressed.
If the King finds out
that you are not a lady,
the police will take you to
the Tower of London where
your head will be cut off...
as a warning to other
presumptuous flower girls.
But if you are not found out,
you shall have a present...
of, uh, seven and six to start
life with as a lady in a shop.
If you refuse this offer,
you will be the most
ungrateful, wicked girl...
and the angels
will weep for you.
- Now are you satisfied,
Pickering?
- I don't understand what in the
world you're talking about.
-Well, could I put it more
plainly or fairly, Mrs. Pearce?
-Come with me, Eliza.
That's right, Mrs. Pearce.
Bundle her off to the bathroom.
You're a great bully, you are!
I won't stay here
if I don't like it.
I won't let nobody wallop me!
- Don't answer back, girl.
- If I'd known what I was
letting myself in for,
I wouldn't have come here.
I've always been a good girl,
I have, and I won't be put upon!
In six months-- in three
if she has a good ear
and a quick tongue--
I'll take her anywhere and
I'll pass her off as anything.
I'll make a queen
of that barbarous wretch.
I've never had a bath
in me life, not what
you'd call a proper one.
You know, you can't be
a nice girl inside
if you're dirty outside.
I'll have to put you in here.
This will be your bedroom.
Oh, I couldn't sleep here,
missus. It's too good
for the likes of me.
Oh, I-I should be afraid
to touch anything.
I ain't a duchess yet,
you know.
Oh, what's this?
Is this where you wash clothes?
This is where
we wash ourselves, Eliza,
and where I'm going to wash you.
You expect me to get into that
and wet meself all over? Not me.
I shall catch me death.
Come along now.
Come along.
Take your clothes off.
Come on, girl.
Do as you're told.
Take your clothes off.
- Here, come on, help me
take these--
- Ohh!
- No, I won't!
- Come out of there.
- I won't! Why?
No! I won't!
- Here, take your hands off me!
- Don't!
- Here!
- No, here! No!
- Hold her!
- No!
- Stop it, Eliza!
- I won't! Let go!
- Keep still!
I've got her now!
That's right!
No! No!
- I'm a good girl, I am!
- Well, they won't like
the smell of you
if you won't have a bath.
It ain't right!
It ain't decent!
- Get your hands off me!
- Come here!
I'm a good girl, I am!
- Take your hands off me! Here!
- Eliza, it won't hurt a bit!
Now keep still!
Stop it!
Oh, it won't hurt you!
Higgins, forgive the bluntness,
but if I'm to be in this
business, I shall feel
responsible for the girl.
I hope it's clearly understood
that no advantage is to be taken
of her position.
What, that thing?
Sacred, I assure you.
Come now, Higgins.
You know what I mean.
This is no trifling matter.
Are you a man of good character
where women are concerned?
Have you ever met
a man of good character
where women are concerned?
Yes, very frequently.
Well, I haven't.
I find the moment that a woman
makes friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting,
suspicious and a damn nuisance.
And I find the moment that
I make friends with a woman,
I become selfish and tyrannical.
So here I am,
a confirmed old bachelor
and likely to remain so.
Well, after all, Pickering,
I'm an ordinary man
who desires nothing more
Than just an ordinary chance
to live exactly as he likes
And do precisely
what he wants
An average man am I
of no eccentric whim
Who likes to live his life
free of strife
Doing whatever he thinks
is best for him
Well, just an, an ordinary man
But let a woman in your life
And your serenity is through
She'll redecorate your home
from the cellar to the dome
Then go on to the enthralling
fun of overhauling you
Let a woman in your life
And you're up against a wall
Make a plan and you will find
she has something else in mind
And so rather than do either
you do something else
that neither likes at all
You want to talk
of Keats or Milton
She only wants to talk
of love
You go to see a play or ballet
And spend it
searching for her glove
Let a woman in your life
And you invite eternal strife
Let them buy
their wedding bands
For those anxious
little hands
I'd be equally as willing
for a dentist to be drilling
Than to ever let
a woman in my life
I'm a very gentle man
Even tempered and good-natured
whom you never hear complain
Who has the milk
of human kindness
by the quart in every vein
A patient man am I
down to my fingertips
The sort who never could
ever would
Let an insulting remark
escape his lips
A very gentle man
But let a woman in your life
And patience hasn't got
a chance
She will beg you for advice
Your reply will be concise
And she'll listen very nicely
then go out and do precisely
what she wants
You are a man
of grace and polish
Who never spoke above a hush
Now all at once
you're using language
That would make a sailor blush
Let a woman in your life
And you're plunging in a knife
Let the others of my sex
Tie the knot
around their necks
I prefer a new edition
of the Spanish Inquisition
Than to ever let a woman
in my life
I'm a quiet-living man
Who prefers
to spend the evenings
in the silence of his room
Who likes
an atmosphere as restful
as an undiscovered tomb
A pensive man am I
of philosophic joys
Who likes to meditate
contemplate
Free from humanity's
mad, inhuman noise
A quiet-living man
But let a woman
in your life
And your sabbatical
is through
In a line that never ends
come an army of her friends
Come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter
is with you
She'll have a booming
boisterous family
Who will descend on you
en masse
She'll have a large
Wagnerian mother
With a voice
that shatters glass
Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life
I shall never let
A woman in my life
Get out of here!
You, you get out too!
Come on, Doolittle.
And remember, drinks are
to be paid for or not drunk.
Thanks for your hospitality,
George. Send the bill to
Buckingham Palace. Come on.
Well, Alfie,
there's nothing else to do.
I guess it's back to work.
What? Don't you dare mention
that word in my presence again.
Look at all these poor blighters
down here.
I used to do that sort of thing
once, just for exercise.
It's not worth it.
Takes up your whole day.
Ah, don't worry, boys.
We'll get out of this somehow.
- How do you think you're going
to do that, Alfie?
- How? Same as always.
Faith, hope
and a little bit of luck.
The Lord above gave man
an arm of iron
So he could do his job
and never shirk
The Lord above gave man
an arm of iron, but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
Someone else will do
the blinkin' work
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
you'll never work
The Lord above made liquor
for temptation
To see if man
could turn away from sin
The Lord above made liquor
for temptation, but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
When temptation comes
you'll give right in
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
you'll give right in
Oh, you can walk
the straight and narrow
But with a little bit of luck
you'll run amuck
The gentle sex was made
for man to marry
To share his nest
and see his food is cooked
The gentle sex was made
for man to marry, but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
You can have it all
and not get hooked
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
you won't get hooked
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit
of bloomin' luck
They're always
throwing goodness at you
But with a little bit of luck
a man can duck
The Lord above made man
to help his neighbor
No matter where
on land or sea or foam
The Lord above made man
to help his neighbor, but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
When he comes around
you won't be home
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
you won't be home
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit
of bloomin' luck
- Hey, Alfie, you make
a good suffragette.
- Oh, leave the girls alone!
He'll never get married again!
-Get out. Get out of here.
-Why, there's the lucky man now.
The honorable
Alfie Doolittle.
- What are you doing
in Eliza's house?
- Her former residence.
You can buy your own drinks now,
Alfie Doolittle. Fallen into
a tub of butter, you have.
- What are you talking about?
- Your daughter, Eliza.
- Oh, you're a lucky man,
Alfie Doolittle.
- Well, what about Eliza?
Oh! He don't know. Her own
father and he don't know.
Moved in with a swell,
Eliza has.
Left here in a taxi all
by herself, smart as paint, and
ain't been home for three days!
- Go on.
- Then this morning I gets
a message from her.
She wants her things
sent over...
to 27-A Wimpole Street,
care of Professor Higgins.
- And what things does she want?
- What?
Her birdcage
and her Chinese fan.
But, she says, never mind...
about sending any clothes.
I knew she had a career
in front of her.
Eddie boy,
we're in for a boozer.
The sun is shining
on Alfred P. Doolittle.
A man was made to help
support his children
Which is the right
and proper thing to do
A man was made to help
support his children, but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
They'll go out
and start supporting you
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
they'll work for you
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit
of bloomin' luck
Oh, it's a crime for man
to go philanderin'
And fill his wife's poor heart
with grief and doubt
Oh, it's a crime for man
to go philanderin', but
With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck
You can see the bloodhound
don't find out
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of luck
she won't find out
- Charlie, over here!
- With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit
of bloomin' luck
With a little bit
of bloomin' luck
- The mail, sir.
- Uh, pay the bills and say no
to the invitations.
You simply cannot go on
working the girl this way,
making her say her alphabet
over and over, from sunup
to sundown, even during meals.
You'll exhaust yourself.
When will it stop?
When she does it
properly, of course.
Is that all, Mrs. Pearce?
There's another letter from
that American millionaire,
Ezra D. Wallingford.
- He still wants you to lecture
for his Moral Reform League.
- Yes, well, throw it away.
Oh, it's the third letter
he's written you, sir.
You should at least answer it.
Oh, all right. Leave it
on the desk, Mrs. Pearce.
I'll try and get to it.
If you please, sir,
there's a dustman downstairs,
Alfred P. Doolittle,
who wants to see you.
- He says you have
his daughter here.
- Phew! I say!
- Well, send the blackguard up.
- He may not be a blackguard,
Higgins.
Oh, nonsense. Of course
he's a blackguard, Pickering.
Whether he is or not,
I'm afraid we'll have
some trouble with him.
No, I think not.
Any trouble to be had, he'll
have it with me, not I with him.
Doolittle, sir.
- Professor Higgins.
- Here!
Where? Oh, good morning,
governor.
I come about a very serious
matter, governor.
Brought up in Hounslow.
Mother Welsh, I should think.
What is it you want, Doolittle?
I want my daughter,
that's what I want. See?
Well, of course you do.
You're her father, aren't you?
I'm glad to see you have
a spark of family feeling left.
- She's in there.
Just take her away at once.
- What?
Take her away!
You think I'm going to keep
your daughter for you?
Ah, now, is this reasonable,
governor?
Is it "fairity" to take
advantage of a man like that?
The girl belongs to me.
You got her. Where do I come in?
How dare you come here
and attempt to blackmail me.
You sent her here on purpose.
Oh, now, don't take a man up
like that, governor.
Well, the police should take you
up. This is a plant, a plot
to extort money by threats.
I shall telephone the police.
Have I asked you
for a brass farthing?
I leave it
to this gentleman here.
Have I said a word about money?
What else did you come for?
Well, what would a bloke
come for?
Be human, governor.
Alfred, you sent her here
on purpose.
- So help me, governor,
I never did.
- Then how did you know
she was here?
I'll tell you, governor, if you
only let me get a word in.
I'm willing to tell you.
I'm wanting to tell you.
I'm waiting to tell you.
You know, Pickering,
this chap's got a certain
natural gift of rhetoric.
Observe the rhythm of his
native woodnotes wild.
"I'm willing to tell you.
I'm wanting to tell you.
I'm waiting to tell you."
That's the Welsh strain in him.
How did you know Eliza was here
if you didn't send her?
Well, she sent back
for her luggage,
and I got to hear about it.
She said she didn't want
no clothes. What was I to think
from that, governor?
I ask you, as a parent,
what was I to think?
So you came here to rescue her
from worse than death, eh?
- Just so, governor.
That's right.
- Yes.
Mrs. Pearce! Uh, Mrs. Pearce.
Eliza's father has come
to take her away.
Give her to him, will you?
Now wait a minute, governor,
wait a minute.
You and me is men of the world,
ain't we?
Oh, men of the world,
are we?
- Yes, well, you'd
better go, Mrs. Pearce.
- I think so indeed, sir.
Here, governor, I've, uh, I've
took a sort of a fancy to you.
And, uh,
if you want the girl,
well, I ain't so set on
havin' her back home again.
But what I might be open to
is, uh, an arrangement.
All I ask is my rights
as a father.
You're the last man alive
to expect me to let her go
for nothing.
I can see you're, you're one
of the straight sort, governor.
So, uh, what's a five-pound
note to you...
and what's Eliza to me?
I think you ought
to know, Doolittle,
that Mr. Higgins' intentions
are entirely honorable.
Well, of course they are,
governor. If I thought
they wasn't, I'd ask 50.
You mean to say you'd sell
your daughter for 50 pounds?
Have you no morals, man?
No. No, can't afford
them, governor.
Neither could you if you
was as poor as me. Not that
I mean any harm, mind you.
But if Eliza is gonna have a bit
out of this, why not me too, eh?
Why not? Well, look, uh--
Look at it my way. What am I?
I ask you, what am I?
I'm one of the undeserving poor,
that's what I am. Now think
what that means to a man.
It means he's up against
middle-class morality
for all of time.
If there's anything going
and I puts in for a bit of it,
it's always the same story.
You're undeserving,
so you can't have it.
But my needs is as great
as the most deserving widows
that ever got money...
out of six different charities
in one week for the death
of the same husband.
I don't need less than
a deserving man; I need more.
I don't eat
less hearty than he does,
and I drink, oh, a lot more.
I'm playing straight with you.
I ain't pretending
to be deserving.
No, I'm undeserving, and I mean
to go on being undeserving.
I like it and that's the truth.
But will you take advantage
of a man's nature...
to do him out of the price
of his own daughter what he's
brought up, fed and clothed...
by the sweat of his brow...
'til she's growed
big enough to be interesting
to you two gentlemen?
Well, is five pounds
unreasonable, I put it to you?
And I'll leave it to you.
You know, Pickering,
if we took this man in hand
for three months,
he could choose between
a seat in the cabinet
and a popular pulpit in Wales.
- We'd better give him a fiver.
- He'll make bad use of it,
I'm afraid.
Ah, not me, governor.
So help me, I won't.
Just one good spree for
meself and the missus,
giving pleasure to ourselves
and employment to others.
And satisfaction to you to know
it ain't been throwed away.
You couldn't spend it better.
Oh, this is irresistible.
Let's give him ten.
No. The missus wouldn't have the
heart to spend ten, governor.
Ten pounds is a lot of money.
Makes a man feel prudent-like,
and then good-bye to happiness.
No, you just give me what I ask,
governor. Not a penny less,
not a penny more.
I rather draw the line
at encouraging this sort
of immorality, Doolittle.
Why don't you marry that
missus of yours, eh? After all,
marriage isn't so frightening.
- You married Eliza's mother.
- Who told you that, governor?
Well, nobody told me.
I concluded, naturally.
If we listen to this man for
another minute, we shall have
no convictions left.
- Five pounds, I think you said.
- Thank you, governor.
- Thank you.
- Are you sure
you won't have ten?
- No. No, perhaps another time.
- I won't, I won't, I won't!
I beg your pardon, miss.
- I won't say those ruddy
vowels one more time.
- Blimey, it's Eliza.
Well, I never thought she'd
clean up so good-looking.
She does me credit,
don't she, governor?
Here, what you doin' here?
Now, now, now, you hold your
tongue and don't you give these
gentlemen none of your lip.
If you have any trouble
with her, governor, give her
a few licks of the strap.
That's the way
to improve her mind.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Cheerio, Eliza.
There's a man for you.
A philosophical genius
of the first water.
Mrs. Pearce, write to
Mr. Ezra Wallingford...
and say that if he wants
a lecturer, to get in touch
with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle,
- a common dustman, but
one of the most original
moralists in England.
- Yes, sir.
Here, what
did he come for?
- Say your vowels.
- I know me vowels.
I knew them before I come.
- Well, if you know them,
say them
- A, E, I, O, U.
Wrong! A, E, I, O, U.
That's what I said.
A, E, I, O, U.
That's what I've
been saying for three days,
and I won't say them no more!
I know it's difficult,
Miss Doolittle,
but try to understand.
It's no use explaining,
Pickering. As a military man,
you ought to know that.
Drilling is what she needs.
Now you leave her alone
or she'll be turning to you
for sympathy.
Very well, if you insist.
But have a little patience
with her, Higgins.
Of course.
- Now, say "A"!
- You ain't got no heart,
you ain't!
- "A"!
- "A"!
- "A"!
- "A"!
- "A"!
- "A"!
- Eliza.
I promise you you'll say
your vowels correctly
before this day is out...
or there'll be no lunch,
no dinner...
and no chocolates.
Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
You'll be sorry, but your
tears will be too late
You'll be broke
and I'll have money
Will I help ya
Don't be funny
Just you wait
'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
'til you're sick
And you screams to fetch
a doctor double quick
I'll be off a second later
and go straight to the theater
Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait until
we're swimmin' in the sea
Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins
And you get a cramp
a little ways from me
When ya yell
you're gonna drown
I'll get dressed
and go to town
Ha ha ho, 'Enry 'Iggins
Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
One day, I'll be famous
I'll be proper and prim
Go to St. James so often
I will call it St. Jim
One evening
the King will say
Oh, Liza, old thing
I want all of England
Your praises to sing
Next week on
the 20th of May
I proclaim
Liza Doolittle Day
All the people
will celebrate
The glory of you
And whatever
you wish and want
I gladly will do
Thanks a lot, King
says I
In a manner well-bred
But all I want is
'Enry 'Iggins' head
-Done
-Says the King with a stroke
Guard, run and bring in
the bloke
Then they'll march you
'Enry 'Iggins, to the wall
-And the King will tell me
-Liza, sound the call
As they raise
their rifles higher
I'll shout
Ready, aim, fire
Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins
Down you'll go
'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
"A."
"A."
"A."
"A."
All right, Eliza,
say it again.
"The 'rine' in Spain...
stays mainly
in the 'pline.'"
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain.
- Didn't I "sigh" that?
- No, Eliza, you didn't
"sigh" that.
You didn't even say that.
Every night before you get
into bed where you used
to say your prayers,
I want you to say,
"The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain"...
50 times.
You'll get much further
with the Lord if you learn
not to offend His ears.
Now for your "H"s.
Pickering, this is
going to be ghastly.
Control yourself, Higgins.
Give the girl a chance.
Oh, well, I suppose you
can't expect her to get it
right the first time.
Come here, Eliza,
and watch closely.
Now.
You see that flame?
Every time you pronounce
the letter "H" correctly,
the flame will waver;
and every time you drop
your "H," the flame
will remain stationary.
That's how you'll know if you've
done it correctly. In time, your
ear will hear the difference.
You'll see it better in the
mirror. Now, listen carefully.
In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire...
hurricanes
hardly ever happen.
Now, if you'll
repeat that after me.
In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire, hurricanes
hardly ever happen.
In 'Ertford, 'Ereford
'n' 'Ampshire,
'urricanes 'ardly
"hever" 'appen.
Oh, no, no, no!
Have you no ear at all?
- Shall I do it over?
- No, please.
Start from the very beginning.
Just do this. Go:
ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Go on! Go on, go on.
Ha. Ha.
- Ha. Ha.
- Does the same thing hold
true in India, Pickering?
- This peculiar habit of
not only dropping a letter
like the letter "H,"
- Ha. Ha. Ha.
- but using it where
it doesn't belong, like
"hever" instead of "ever."
- Ha. Ha.
-Ha. Ha.
-Why is it Slavs, when they
learn English, have a tendency
to do it with their "G"s?
- They say "ling-er"
instead of "lin-ger."
- Ha. Ha.
- Ha. Ha. Ha.
- Then they turn right around
and say "sin-ger" instead
of "sing-er."
-Ha. Ha. Ha.
-Why is it Slavs have been
using it where it isn't needed,
and in English have to
do it with their "G"?
- The girl, Higgins!
- Go on! Go on, go on, go on.
- Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
-Poor Professor Higgins
-Poor Professor Higgins
- Ha. Ha.
Night and day
he slaves away
Oh, poor Professor Higgins
All day long
On his feet
Up and down
until he's numb
Doesn't rest
Doesn't eat
Doesn't touch a crumb
Again, Eliza. How kind
of you to let me come.
How kind of you
to let me come.
No. Kind of you.
Kind of you. Kind--
How kind of you
to let me come.
-How kind of you to let me come.
-No, no, no, no.
Kind of you. Kind of you.
It's like "cup of tea."
Kind of you. Cup of tea.
Say, say, "Cup of tea."
- Cuppatea.
- No, no. A cup of tea.
It's awfully good cake,
this. I wonder where
Mrs. Pearce gets it.
-First rate. And those
strawberry tarts are delicious.
-Hmm.
Did you try
the "pline" cake?
- Try it again.
- Did you try the--
Pickering!
- Again, Eliza.
- Cuppatea.
Oh, no. Can't you hear
the difference?
Look, put your
tongue forward...
until it squeezes on the top
of your lower teeth,
and then say "cup."
- Cup.
- Then say "of."
- Of.
Then say, "Cup, cup, cup cup,
of, of, of, of."
- Cup, cup, cup, cup,
of, of, of, of.
- Cup, cup, cup, cup,
of, of, of, of.
- Cup, cup, cu--
Of, of, of, of.
- Mm-hmm.
By Jove, Higgins,
that was a glorious tea.
Why don't you finish
that last strawberry tart?
I couldn't eat another thing.
- Oh, I couldn't touch it.
- Shame to waste it.
Oh, it won't be wasted.
I know somebody who is immensely
fond of strawberry tarts.
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep,
cheep. Cheep, cheep--
Ohh!
Poor Professor Higgins
Poor Professor Higgins
On he plods
against all odds
Oh, poor Professor Higgins
Nine p.m.
Ten p.m.
On through midnight
every night
One a.m.
Two a.m.
Three
Four,
five,
six marbles.
Now, I want you to read
this, and I want you to
enunciate every word...
just as if the marbles
were not in your mouth.
"With blackest moss,
the flower pots...
were thickly crusted,
one and all."
Each word,
clear as a bell.
"With bla'est moss,
the flower pots--"
I can't. I can't!
I say, Higgins, are those
pebbles really necessary?
If they were necessary
for Demosthenes,
they are necessary for Eliza
Doolittle. Go on, Eliza.
"With bla'est moss,
"the flower pots...
were thickly crusted
one and--"
I can't understand a word.
Not a word!
"With blackest moss,
the flower pots...
were thickly crusted,
one and all."
Higgins, perhaps that poem's
a little too difficult
for the girl.
Why don't you
try something simpler like
"The Owl and the Pussycat"?
Oh-ho, yes, that's
a charming one!
Well, Pickering, I can't hear
a word the girl is saying!
- What's the matter?
- I swallowed one.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I got plenty more.
Open your mouth. One, two--
Quit, Professor Higgins
Quit, Professor Higgins
Hear our plea
or payday we will quit
Professor Higgins
"A," not I
"O," not ow
Pounding, pounding
In our brain
"A," not I
"O," not ow
Don't say "rine"
Say "rain"
The rain in Spain...
stays mainly...
in the plain.
I can't!
I'm so tired!
I'm so tired!
For God's sake, Higgins,
it must be 3:00 in the morning.
Do be reasonable.
I am always reasonable.
Eliza, if I can go on with a
blistering headache, you can.
I've got an headache too.
Oh, here.
I know your head aches.
I know you're tired.
I know your nerves are as raw
as meat in a butcher's window.
But think what you're
trying to accomplish.
Just think what
you're dealing with.
The majesty and grandeur
of the English language;
it's the greatest
possession we have.
The noblest thoughts
that ever flowed through
the hearts of men...
are contained
in its extraordinary,
imaginative and musical
mixtures of sounds.
And that's what you've set
yourself out to conquer, Eliza.
And conquer it you will.
Now try it again.
The rain in Spain...
stays mainly...
in the plain.
What was that?
The rain in Spain...
stays mainly...
in the plain.
Again.
The rain in Spain
Stays mainly
in the plain
I think she's got it.
I think she's got it.
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain
By George, she's got it!
By George, she's got it!
Now, once again
where does it rain
On the plain
On the plain
And where's
that soggy plain
In Spain
In Spain
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain
Bravo!
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain
In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire
Hurricanes hardly happen
How kind of you
to let me come.
Now, once again
where does it rain
On the plain
On the plain
And where's
that blasted plain
In Spain
In Spain
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain
Pickering! Pickering.
Ole. Ole.
Ole!
Hey, Pickering!
- Ole!
- Ole!
- Ole!
Oh, dear!
We're making fine
progress, Pickering.
I think the time has come
to try her out.
Are you feeling all right,
Mr. Higgins?
- Yes, I'm feeling fine,
Mrs. Pearce. How are you?
- Very well, sir. Thank you.
Oh, good. Let's, let's test her
in public and see how she fares.
Mr. Higgins, I was awakened
by a dreadful pounding. Do you
know what it might have been?
- Pounding? I didn't hear any
pounding? Did you, Pickering?
- No.
No. If this goes on,
Mrs. Pearce, you'd
better see a doctor.
- I know! We'll take
her to the races.
- The races?
- My mother's box at Ascot.
- You'll consult your mother
first, of course?
Oh, yes, of course. Uh--
Eh, no. I think perhaps
we better surprise her.
Now let's go to bed.
First thing in the morning
we'll go out and we'll
buy her a dress.
- Now get on with
your work, Eliza.
- But, Mr. Higgins, it's
early in the morning.
What better time to work
than early in the morning?
- Where does one
buy a lady's gown?
- Whiteley's, of course.
- How do you know that?
- Common knowledge.
Well, let's not buy her
anything too flowery.
I despise those gowns with sort
of weeds here and weeds there.
We ought to buy
something sort of simple
and modest and elegant,
is what's called for,
perhaps with a, with a bow.
Yeah, I think
that's just right.
You've all been working
much too hard. I think the
strain is beginning to show.
Eliza, I don't care what
Mr. Higgins says, you must put
down your books and go to bed.
Bed, bed
I couldn't go to bed
My head's too light
to try to set it down
Sleep, sleep
I couldn't sleep tonight
Not for all the jewels
in the crown
I could have danced
all night
I could have danced
all night
And still have begged
For more
I could have
spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before
I'll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight
I only know
When he
began to dance with me
I could have danced
danced, danced
All night
-It's after 3:00 now
-Don't you agree now
-She ought to be in bed
-She ought to be in bed
-I could have danced all night
-You're tired out
-You must be dead
-I could have danced all night
-Your face is worn
-Your eyes are red
-And still have begged
-Now say good night, please
-Turn out the light, please
It's really time for you
to be in bed
-For more
-I could have spread my wings
-A good time ago
Do as you're told
-And done a thousand things
-Or Mrs. Pearce is apt to scold
-I've never done before
-You're up too late, Miss
And sure as fate, Miss
You'll catch a cold
I'll never know
what made it
So exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight
-I only know
-Put down your book
-When he began to dance
-The work can keep
-Now settle down and go to sleep
-With me
I could have danced
danced, danced
All night
I understand, dear
It's all been grand, dear
But now it's time to sleep
I could have danced
all night
I could have danced
all night
And still have begged
For more
I could have
spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before
I'll never know
what made it
So exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight
I only know
When he
began to dance with me
I could have danced
danced, danced
All night
Every duke and earl
and peer is here
Everyone who should
be here is here
What a smashing
positively dashing
Spectacle
The Ascot Opening Day
At the gate are
all the horses
Waiting for the cue
to fly away
What a gripping
absolutely ripping
Moment at
The Ascot Opening Day
Pulses rushing
Faces flushing
Heartbeats speed up
I have never been
so keyed up
Any second now
they'll begin to run
Hark, a bell is ringing
They are springing forward
Look, it has begun
What a frenzied moment
that was
Didn't they maintain
an exhausting pace
'Twas a thrilling
absolutely chilling
Running of
The Ascot Opening Race
Uh, Mother.
Henry! What
a disagreeable surprise.
Hello, Mother.
How nice you look.
What are you doing here?
You promised never to come
to Ascot. Go home at once.
- I can't, Mother.
I'm here on business.
- Oh, no, Henry, you must.
Now, I'm quite serious.
You'll offend all my friends.
The moment they meet you,
I never see them again.
- Besides, you aren't
even dressed for Ascot.
- I changed my shirt.
Now listen, Mother, I've got
a job for you, a phonetics job.
I've picked up a girl--
- Henry!
- Oh, no, darling, not a love
affair. She's a flower girl.
I'm taking her to the annual
Embassy Ball, but I want you
to try her out first.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, you know
the Embassy Ball?
- Of course I know
the ball, but--
- So I invited her to your box
today. Do you understand?
- A common flower girl?
- Oh, she'll be all right.
I've taught her how to speak
properly. She has strict
instructions as to her behavior.
She's to keep to two
subjects: the weather
and everybody's health.
"Fine day" and "How do you do?"
And not just let herself go
on things in general.
-Help her along, darling.
You'll be quite safe.
-Safe? To talk about one's
health in the middle of a race?
Well, she's got to talk
about something.
- Where's the girl now?
- Uh, she's being pinned.
Some of the clothes we
bought her didn't quite fit.
- I told Pickering we should've
taken her with us.
- Oh, goodness!
Ah!
- Mrs. Eynsford-Hill.
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins.
- You know my son, Henry.
- Oh, how do you do?
- I've seen you
somewhere before.
- I don't know.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
You better sit down.
- Lady Boxington.
- Where the devil can they be?
- Uh, Lord Boxington.
- Ah!
Colonel Pickering, you're
just in time for tea.
Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May I
introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?
-My dear Miss Doolittle.
-How kind of you to let me come.
Delighted, my dear.
- Lady Boxington.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- Lord Boxington.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- Mrs. Eynsford-Hill,
Miss Doolittle.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
And Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
How do you do?
How do you do?
- Miss Doolittle.
- Good afternoon,
Professor Higgins.
The first race was very
exciting, Miss Doolittle.
I'm so sorry
that you missed it.
Will it rain,
do you think?
The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.
But in Hertford,
Hereford and Hampshire...
hurricanes hardly
ever happen.
- How awfully funny.
- What is wrong with
that, young man?
- I bet I got it right.
- Smashing.
Hasn't it suddenly
turned chilly?
I do hope we won't have
any unseasonable cold spells.
They bring on
so much influenza,
and the whole of our family
is susceptible to it.
My aunt died of influenza,
so they said,
but it's my belief
they done the old woman in.
- Done her in?
- Yes, Lord love you.
Why should she die
of influenza...
when she'd come through
diphtheria right enough
the year before?
Fairly blue with it
she was.
They all thought
she was dead,
but my father, he kept
ladling gin down her throat.
Oh!
Then she come to so sudden,
she bit the bowl off the spoon.
Dear me!
Now what call would a woman with
that strength in her have...
to die of influenza?
And what become of her new straw
hat that should have come to me?
Somebody pinched it.
And what I say is,
them as pinched it
done her in.
Done her in?
Done her in, did you say?
Whatever does it mean?
Oh, that's the new small talk.
Uh, to "do somebody in"
means to kill them.
But you surely don't believe
your aunt was killed.
Do I not!
Them she lived with...
would have killed her for
a hat pin, let alone a hat.
But it can't have been right
for your father to pour spirits
down her throat like that.
- It might have killed her.
- Not her.
Gin was mother's milk
to her.
Besides, he poured so much
down his own throat,
he knew the good of it.
- Do you mean that he drank?
- Drank? My word,
something chronic.
Dear, what are you
sniggering at?
It's the new small talk.
You do it so awfully well.
Well, if I was doing it proper,
what was you sniggering at?
Have I said
anything I oughtn't?
Oh, Lord!
- Uh, not at all, my dear.
- Well, that's a mercy, anyhow.
- Uh!
- What? Yeah. Oh, yes.
- But I always say--
I don't know whether
there's enough time
before the next race...
to place a bet,
but come, my dear.
- I don't suppose so.
- I have a bet on number seven.
I shall be so happy if you
would take it. You'll enjoy
the race ever so much more.
- That's very kind of you.
- His name is Dover.
Come along, my dear.
Come along.
There they are again
lining up to run
Now they're holding steady
They are ready for it
Look, it has begun
Come on.
Come on, Dover!
Come on. Come on,
Dover! Come on!
Come on, Dover!
Move your bloomin' arse!
Don't upset yourself.
Oh, my dear.
You're not serious, Henry.
You don't expect to take her
to the Embassy Ball.
- Don't you think
she's ready for it?
- Dear Henry!
- She's ready for a canal barge.
- Well, her language may need
a little refining, but, uh--
Oh, really, Henry! If you
cannot see how impossible...
this whole project is,
then you must be
absolutely potty about her.
I advise you to give it up now
and not put yourself and this
poor girl through any more.
Give it up? Why, it's the
most fascinating venture
I've ever undertaken.
Pickering and I are at it
from morning 'til night.
It fills our whole lives.
Teaching Eliza,
talking to Eliza, listening
to Eliza, dressing Eliza.
What? You're a pretty
pair of babies...
playing with
your live doll.
- Ah, here's the car.
- Ah.
I say, sir, uh--
- Good evening, sir.
- Ah! Uh, dinner ready?
I'm famished.
- Immediately, sir.
- Good evening,
Professor Higgins.
When she mentioned
how her aunt
Bit off the spoon
She completely done me in
And my heart went
on a journey to the moon
When she told
about her father
And the gin
And I never saw
a more enchanting farce
Than the moment
when she shouted
Move your bloomin'--
- Yes, sir?
- Uh, i-is Miss Doolittle in?
- Whom shall I say is calling?
- Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
Oh, if she, if she doesn't
remember who I am,
tell her I'm the chap
who was sniggering at her.
- Yes, sir.
- And will you give her these?
Yes, sir. Wouldn't you
like to come in, sir?
- They're having dinner,
but you may wait in the hall.
- No. No, thank you.
- I want to drink in
the street where she lives.
- Yes, sir.
I have often walked
Down this street before
But the pavement
always stayed
Beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
Where you live
Are there lilac trees
In the heart of town
Can you hear a lark
in any other part of town
Does enchantment pour
Out of every door
No, it's just
on the street
Where you live
And, oh
The towering feeling
Just to know
Somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second
you may suddenly appear
People stop and stare
They don't bother me
For there's
nowhere else on earth
That I would rather be
Let the time go by
I won't care if I
Can be here
on the street
Where you live
Oh, sir!
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Miss Doolittle says she doesn't
want to see anyone ever again.
- But why?
She was unbelievable.
- So I've been told, sir.
- Is there any further message?
- Yes. Tell her that I'll wait.
Oh, but it might be
days, sir. Even weeks.
But don't you see?
I'll be happier here.
People stop and stare
They don't bother me
For there's
nowhere else on earth
That I would rather be
Let the time go by
I won't care if I
Can be here
on the street
Where you live
It really is, Higgins.
It's inhuman to continue.
Do you realize what you've
got to try and teach this
poor girl within six weeks?
You've got to teach her to walk,
talk, address a duke, a lord,
a bishop, an ambassador.
It's absolutely impo--
Higgins, I'm trying to tell you
that I want to call off the bet.
I know you're a stubborn man,
but so am I.
This experiment is over,
and nothing, short of
an order from the King,
could force me to recant.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
You understand, Higgins?
It's over!
Higgins. Higgins!
If there's any mishap
at the Embassy tonight,
if Miss Doolittle suffers
any embarrassment whatever,
it'll be on your head alone.
- Oh, Eliza can do anything.
- Suppose she's discovered?
Remember Ascot.
Suppose she makes
another ghastly mistake?
There'll be no horses
at the ball, Pickering.
Think how agonizing
it would be.
Oh, if anything
happened tonight,
I don't know what I'd do.
- Well, you could always
rejoin your regiment.
- This is no time
for flippancy, Higgins.
The way you've driven the girl
the last six weeks has exceeded
all bounds of common decency.
For God's sake, Higgins,
stop pacing up and down.
Can't you settle somewhere?
- Have some port.
It'll quieten your nerves.
- I'm not nervous.
- Where is it?
- On the piano.
- The car is here, sir.
- Oh, good. Tell Miss
Doolittle, will you?
- Yes, sir.
Tell Miss Doolittle, indeed.
I bet you that damn gown
doesn't fit.
I warned you about
these French designers.
We should've gone
to a good English shop where
you'd have known everyone
would have been on our side.
- Have a glass of port?
- No, thank you.
Are you so sure this girl
will retain everything
you've hammered into her?
- Well, we shall see.
- Suppose she doesn't.
- I lose my bet.
- Higgins, there's one thing...
I can't stand about you,
that's your confounded
complacency.
At a moment like this
with so much at stake,
it's utterly indecent...
that you don't need
a glass of port.
And what about the girl?
You act as though she
doesn't matter at all.
Oh, rubbish, Pickering.
Of course she matters.
What do you think I've been
doing all these months?
What could possibly matter more
than to take a human being...
and change her into
a different human being by
creating a new speech for her?
It's filling up the
deepest gap that separates
class from class...
and soul from soul.
Oh, she matters immensely.
Miss Doolittle,
you look beautiful.
Thank you,
Colonel Pickering.
Don't you think so,
Higgins?
Hmm, not bad.
Not bad at all.
Lady Demereau, the Viscount
Sir James Paris.
The Marquis and Marchioness
of Bennett.
Dame Suzanne Milanier.
Sir Albert and Lady Darring.
Honorable Mister Archibald
and Lady Catherine Harry.
Maestro! Maestro.
- Don't you remember me?
- No. Who the devil are you?
I'm your pupil. Your first,
your greatest, your best pupil.
I'm Zoltan Karpathy,
that marvelous boy.
- Ohh--
- Ah, I made your name
famous throughout Europe.
You teach me phonetics.
You cannot forget me.
Why don't you have
your hair cut?
Ah, well, I don't have
your imposing appearance,
your figure, your brow.
If I had my hair cut,
nobody would notice me.
Where did you get
all these old coins?
- These are decorations
for language.
- Oh.
The Queen of Transylvania
is here this evening;
I'm indispensable to her
at these official
international parties.
I speak 32 languages; I know
everyone in Europe; no impostor
can escape my detection.
- Professor Karpathy.
- Oh, Your Honor.
The Greek ambassador.
Greek, my foot. He pretends
not to know any English,
but he cannot deceive me.
- He's the son
of a Yorkshire watchmaker.
- Oh!
He speaks English
so villainously...
that he cannot utter a word
without betraying his origin.
I help him pretend, but I make
him pay through the nose.
I make them all pay.
Excuse me, sir,
you're wanted upstairs.
- Her Excellency asks for you.
- Oh! Excuse me.
Viscount and
Viscountess Saxon.
Baron and Baroness of Yalstir.
Sir Guy and Lady Scot Ackland.
The Count and Countess Demereau.
Viscount and
Viscountess Hillyard.
Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser.
Lord and Lady Clandon.
Miss Eliza Doolittle,
Colonel Pickering.
Miss Eliza Doolittle,
Colonel Pickering.
- Professor Higgins.
- Good evening, Miss Doolittle.
- Your Excellency.
- Miss Doolittle.
- How do you do?
- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.
Oh, Colonel,
what an enchanting young lady
you have with you this evening.
- Thank you.
- Well, who is she?
Oh, uh, a cousin of mine
and Higgi-- Excuse me.
Professor Higgins.
Such a faraway look, as if she's
always lived in-- in a garden.
So she has.
A sort of garden.
Henry must take
Eliza home at once.
There's a language expert here;
a sort of, uh, you know--
sort of an "impostorologist."
I beg your pardon?
The young lady
with Colonel Pickering.
- Find out who she is.
- With pleasure.
The whole situation's
highly explosive.
- Such a delicious scandal!
- We heard--
Tell me, Zoltan, some more
about the Greek ambassador.
Gladly, Professor, but first
I would love you to present me
to this glorious creature.
Does he really come
from Yorkshire?
Her Majesty
the Queen of Transylvania...
and His Royal Highness
Prince Gregor.
Charming. Quite charming.
Miss Doolittle, ma'am.
Such a charming woman.
Who is she?
You'll know when we
hear her announced.
What a beautiful bauble.
- Are you going to Eden's
party next week?
- No, I couldn't possibly.
Really, you must go.
Sparkling!
Did you see how he--
Miss Doolittle, my son would
like to dance with you.
Eliza?
I-I have some news for you.
Absolutely fantastic!
- A lot of tomfoolery!
- It was an immense achievement!
Well, Mr. Higgins?
A triumph, Mrs. Pearce!
A total triumph!
Higgins, you were superb!
Absolutely superb!
Tell us the truth now.
Weren't you a little bit
nervous once or twice?
- No, not for a second.
- Not during the whole evening?
No, not when I saw we were
going to win hands down.
I felt like a bear
in a cave, hanging about
with nothing to do.
It was an immense achievement.
If I hadn't backed
myself to do it, I'd have
given it up two months ago.
- Absolutely fantastic!
- Ah, a lot of tomfoolery.
Higgins, I salute you.
Well, the silly people don't
know their own silly business.
Tonight, old man, you did it
You did it, you did it
You said that you would do it
and indeed you did
I thought that you would rue it
I doubted you'd do it
But now I must admit it
that succeed you did
You should get a medal
or be even made a knight
Oh, it was nothing
Really nothing
All alone you hurdled
every obstacle in sight
Now wait, now wait
Give credit where it's due
A lot of the glory
goes to you
But you're the one who did it
Who did it, who did it
As sturdy as Gibraltar
Not a second did you falter
There's no doubt about it
You
Did it
I must have aged a year tonight
At times I thought
I'd die of fright
Never was there
a momentary lull
Shortly after we came in
I saw at once we'd easily win
And after that
I found it deadly dull
You should have heard
the "ooh"s and "ahh"s
Everyone wondering who she was
You'd think they'd never
seen a lady before
And when the Prince of
Transylvania asked to meet her
And gave his arm to lead her
to the floor
I said to him, You did it
You did it, you did it
They thought she was ecstatic
and so damned aristocratic
And they never knew
that you
Did it
Well, thank goodness
for Zoltan Karpathy.
If it hadn't been for him,
I'd have died of boredom.
Karpathy, that dreadful
Hungarian? Was he there?
Yes, he was there, all right,
and up to his old tricks.
That blackguard
who uses the science of speech
More to blackmail and swindle
than teach
He made it
the devilish business of his
To find out who this
Miss Doolittle is
Every time we looked around
there he was
That hairy hound
from Budapest
Never leaving us alone
Never have I ever known
a ruder pest
Finally I decided it was
foolish not to let him
have his chance with her
So I stepped aside
And let him dance with her
Oozing charm
from every pore
He oiled his way
around the floor
Every trick that he could play
he used to strip her mask away
And when at last
the dance was done
He glowed
as if he knew he'd won
And with a voice too eager
and a smile too broad
He announced to the hostess
that she was a fraud
No!
Her English is too good
he said
That clearly indicates
that she is foreign
Whereas others are instructed
in their native language
English people aren't
And although
she may have studied
With an expert dialectician
and grammarian
I can tell that
She was born
Hungarian
Not only Hungarian,
but of royal blood.
She is a princess!
Her blood, he said, is bluer
than the Danube is or ever was
Royalty is absolutely
written on her face
She thought that I was taken in
but actually I never was
How could she deceive
another member of her race
I know each language
on the map, said he
And she's Hungarian
as the first Hungarian rhapsody
Bravo, bravo
Bravo
- Congratulations
Professor Higgins
- Thank you. Oh, no, no, no.
- For your glorious victory
- Thank you, thank you, yes.
Congratulations
Professor Higgins
You'll be mentioned
in history
- This evening, sir, you did it
You did it, you did it
- Congratulations
Professor Higgins
- You said that you would do it
and indeed you did
- On your glorious victory
- This evening, sir, you did it
You did it, you did it
- Congratulations
Professor Higgins
- We know that we have seen it
but you did it and get credit
- Sleep well
and God be with you
- For it all belongs to you
- Every single credit
For it all belongs to you
Well, thank God
that's over.
Now I can go to bed
without dreading tomorrow.
- Good night, Mr. Higgins.
- Good night, Mrs. Pearce.
I think I'll turn in too.
Good night, Higgins.
Been a great occasion.
Good night, Pickering.
Oh, Mrs. Pearce?
Oh, damn. I meant to ask her to
give me coffee in the morning
instead of tea.
Leave a little note for her,
would you, Eliza?
And put out the lights.
Left them downstairs.
Oh, darn it. Leave my head
behind one of these days.
What the devil have I done
with my slippers?
Here are your slippers!
There!
And there!
Take your slippers,
and may you never have
a day's luck with them!
What on earth? What's the
matter? Is anything wrong?
No, nothing wrong with you. I
won your bet for you, haven't I?
That's enough for you.
I don't matter, I suppose!
You won my bet? You presumptuous
insect! I won it!
- What did you throw those
slippers at me for?
- Because I wanted to
smash your face.
I could kill you, you selfish
brute! Why didn't you leave me
where you picked me out of
in the gutter?
You thank God it's all over
and now you can throw me
back again there, do you?
Oh, so the creature's
nervous after all.
Claws in, you cat! How dare you
show your temper to me?
Sit down and be quiet!
Oh, what's to become of me?
What's to become of me?
How the devil do I know what's
to become of you? What does it
matter what becomes of you?
You don't care.
I know you don't care.
You wouldn't care if I was dead.
I'm nothing to you,
not as much as them slippers.
- Those slippers!
- Those slippers!
I didn't think it made
any difference now.
Why have you suddenly begun
going on like this?
- May I ask if you complain
of your treatment here?
- No.
-Has anybody behaved badly?
Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce?
-No.
Well, you don't pretend
that I have treated you badly.
- No.
- No. Well, glad to hear that.
Perhaps you're tired
after the strain of the day.
Would you, uh,
would you have a chocolate?
No! Thank you.
Well, it's only natural
that you should be anxious,
but it's all over now.
Nothing more to worry about.
No, nothing more for you
to worry about.
Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
Why? In heaven's name, why?
Now listen to me, Eliza,
all this irritation
is purely subjective.
I don't understand.
I'm too ignorant.
Well, it's just imagination.
Nothing's wrong.
Nobody's hurting you.
Now, you go to bed and
sleep it off; have a little cry
and say your prayers...
and you'll feel
very much more comfortable.
I heard your prayers:
"Thank God it's all over."
Well, don't you thank God it's
all over? And now you're free
and you can do what you like.
But what am I fit for?
What have you left me fit for?
Where am I to go,
what am I to do
and what's to become of me?
Oh, that's what's
worrying you, is it?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that
if I were you.
I'm sure you wouldn't have
any difficulty in settling
yourself somewhere or other.
I hadn't quite realized
you were going away.
You might marry, you know.
You see, Eliza, all men
are not confirmed old bachelors
like me and the Colonel.
Most men are the marrying sort,
poor devils.
And you're, you're not
bad-looking. You're really quite
a pleasure to look at sometimes.
Well, not now, of course,
when you've been crying.
You look like the very devil.
But I mean, when you're
all right and quite yourself,
you're what I would call...
attractive.
Now, you go to bed
and have a good night's rest,
and then get up in the morning
and have a look at yourself
in the glass.
You won't feel so bad.
I dare say, my mother might
find some fellow or other
who'd do very well.
- We were above that
at Covent Garden.
- What do you mean?
I sold flowers.
I didn't sell myself.
Now you've made a lady of me,
I'm not fit to sell
anything else.
Oh, tosh, Eliza,
don't insult human relations...
by dragging all that cant about
buying and selling into it.
- You don't have to marry the
fellow if you don't want to.
- What else am I to do?
Well, lots of things.
What about the old idea
of a florist shop?
I'm sure Pickering'd set you up
in one; he's got lots of money.
To pay for all those togs
you're wearing tonight.
And that, with the hire
of the jewelry, would make
a big hole in 200 pounds.
Oh, come on, now,
you'll be all right.
Well, I must be off to bed.
I'm really devilish sleepy.
Now, I was looking
for something. What was it?
Your slippers.
Oh, yes! Of course.
You shied them at me.
Before you go, sir--
Hmm?
Do my clothes belong to me
or to Colonel Pickering?
What the devil use
would they be to Pickering?
- Why do you bother about that
in the middle of the night?
- I want to know what I may
take away with me.
I don't want to be accused
of stealing.
Stealing?
You shouldn't have said that,
Eliza; that shows a,
a want of feeling.
I'm sorry. I'm only a common,
ignorant girl, and in my station
I have to be careful.
There can't be any feelings
between the likes of you
and the likes of me.
Please, will you tell me what
belongs to me and what doesn't?
Take the whole damn houseful
if you want.
Except the jewelry; that's
hired. Will that satisfy you?
Stop, please!
Will you take these to your
room and keep them safe?
I don't want to run the risk
of them being missed.
Oh, hand them over.
If these belonged to me
and not the jeweler,
I'd, I'd ram them
down your ungrateful throat.
The ring isn't the jeweler's;
it's the one you bought me
in Brighton.
I don't want it now.
Don't you hit me!
Hit you, you infamous creature?
How dare you suggest such a
thing. It's you who've hit me.
- You, you've wounded me
to the heart.
- I'm glad!
I've got a little
of my own back anyhow!
You've caused me to lose my
temper, a thing that's hardly
ever happened to me before.
I don't wish to discuss it
further tonight.
I'm going to bed.
You'd better leave your
own note for Mrs. Pearce
about the coffee,
for it won't be done by me.
Damn Mrs. Pearce,
damn the coffee and damn you!
And damn my own folly
for having lavished
my hard-earned knowledge...
and the treasure
of my regard and intimacy...
on a heartless guttersnipe.
Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait
You'll be sorry
but your tears'll be too late
You will be the one
it's done to
And you'll have no one
to run to
Just you wait
I have often walked
down this street before
But the pavement always stayed
beneath my feet before
All at once am I
several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
where you live
Are there lilac trees
in the heart of town
Can you hear a lark
in any other part of town
Does enchantment pour
out of every door
No, it's just on the street
where you live
And, oh
the towering feeling
Just to know
Somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second
you may suddenly appear
People stop and stare
They don't--
Darling!
- Freddy, whatever
are you doing here?
- Nothing.
I-I spend most
of my nights here.
It's the only place
where I'm happy. Don't laugh
at me, Miss Doolittle.
Don't you call me
Miss Doolittle, do you hear?
Eliza's good enough for me.
Oh, Freddy, you don't think
I'm a heartless guttersnipe,
do you?
Darling, how could you
imagine such a thing?
You know how I feel.
I've written two or three
times a day telling you.
Sheets and sheets.
Speak and the world
is full of singing
And I am winging
higher than the birds
Touch and my heart
begins to crumble
The heavens tumble, darling
and I'm--
Words, words, words
I'm so sick of words
I get words all day through
First from him, now from you
Is that all you blighters
can do
Don't talk of stars
burning above
If you're in love
show me
Tell me no dreams
filled with desire
If you're on fire
show me
Here we are together
in the middle of the night
Don't talk of spring
Just hold me tight
Anyone who's ever been
in love'll tell you that
This is no time
for a chat
Haven't your lips
longed for my touch
Don't say how much
Show me
Show me
Don't talk of love
lasting through time
Make me no undying vow
Show
Me now
Sing me no song
Read me no rhyme
Don't waste my time
Show me
Don't talk of June
Don't talk of fall
Don't talk at all
Show me
Never do I ever want to hear
another word
There isn't one
I haven't heard
Here we are together
in what ought to be a dream
Say one more word
and I'll scream
Haven't your arms
hungered for mine
Please don't explain
Show me
Show me
Don't wait until
wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow
Show
Me now
- Eliza, where are you going?
- To the river.
- What for?
- To make a hole in it.
Eliza, darling,
what do you mean?
- Taxi!
- Taxi!
- But I've no money!
- I have!
- Where are you going?
- Where I belong!
Darling, shall I
come with you?
With one enormous chair
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
Lots of chocolate
for me to eat
Lots of coal
makin' lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands
warm feet
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly
- Oh, so loverly
- Buy a flower, miss?
- Sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely
still
- Yes, please.
I would never budge
'Til spring
Crept over me windowsill
Someone's head
restin' on my knee
Warm and tender
as she can be
Who takes good care of me
Oh, wouldn't it
Be loverly
Oh. Good morning, miss.
Can I help you?
Do you mind if I
warm my hands?
Go right ahead, miss.
Uh--
- Yes?
- Oh, excuse me, miss.
- For a second I thought
you were somebody else.
- Who?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Early morning light
playing tricks with my eyes.
Can I get you a taxi, ma'am?
Lady like you shouldn't be
walking alone around London
this hour of the morning.
No, thank you.
Someone's head
resting on my knee
Warm and tender
as he can be
Who takes good care of me
Oh, wouldn't it
Be loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly
- Good-bye, Alfie.
- Good-bye. We'll have to
call you Mr. Doolittle now.
Do come again, Mr. Doolittle.
We value your patronage always.
Oh, thank you, my good man,
thank you.
Here. Here we are. Take the
missus on a trip to Brighton
with my compliments.
Well, thank you,
Mr. Doolittle.
Charming spot, this alley.
We must visit it more often.
Father?
Oh, no. You see, Harry,
he has no mercy.
Sent her down to spy on me
in me misery, he did.
Me own flesh and blood.
Well, I'm miserable, all right.
You can tell him that straight.
What are you talking about?
What ya dressed up for?
As if you didn't know.
Go on back to that
Wimpole Street devil.
- Tell him what he's done to me.
- What's he done to you?
Ruined me, that's all. Tied me
up and delivered me into the
hands of middle-class morality.
And don't you defend him.
Was it him or was it not him...
wrote to an old American
blighter named Wallingford,
who was givin' five millions to
found moral reform societies?
To tell him the most original
moralist in England...
was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle,
a common dustman?
That sounds like
one of his jokes.
You may call it a joke.
It's put the lid on me proper.
The old bloke died and left me
4,000 pounds a year
in his bloomin' will.
Who asked him to make
a gentleman outta me?
I was happy. I was free.
I touched pretty nigh everyone
for money when I wanted it,
same as I touched him.
Now I'm tied neck and heels
and everybody touches me.
A year ago I hadn't a relation
in the world, except one or two
who wouldn't speak to me.
Now I've 50,
and not a decent week's
wages amongst the lot of them.
Oh, I have to live for others
now, not for meself.
Middle-class morality.
Come along, Alfie.
Another couple of hours and
we have to be at the church.
- Yeah.
- Church?
Yeah, church.
The deepest cut of all.
Why do you think I'm dressed up
like a ruddy pallbearer?
Your stepmother wants to marry
me. Now I'm respectable,
she wants to be respectable.
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, why don't
you give the money back?
That's the tragedy of it,
Eliza.
It's easy to say chuck it,
but I haven't the nerve.
We're all intimidated.
That's what we are: intimidated.
Bought up, yeah.
That's what I am.
- That's what your precious
Professor's brought me to.
- Notmy precious Professor.
Oh. Sent you back, has he?
First he shoves me in the middle
class, then he chucks you out
for me to support ya.
That's all part
of his plan.
But you double-cross him.
Don't you come back home to me.
Don't you take tuppence from me.
You stand on your own two feet.
You're a lady now,
and you can do it.
Yeah, that's right, Eliza,
you're a lady now.
Eliza, it's getting
awfully cold in that taxi.
Here, Eliza, would you
like to come and see me
turned off this morning, eh?
St. George's,
Hanover Square, 10:00.
- I wouldn't advise it,
but you're welcome.
- No, thank you, Dad.
- No.
- Are you all
finished here, Eliza?
Yes, Freddy,
I'm all finished here.
- Good luck, Dad.
- Thank you, Eliza.
- Oh, come along, Alfie.
- How much time have I got left?
There's just
a few more hours
That's all the time
you've got
A few more hours
Before they tie the knot
There's drinks and girls
all over London.
And I gotta track 'em down
in just a few more hours.
Set 'em up, me darling!
I'm gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Pull out the stopper
Let's have a whopper
But get me to the church
on time
I got to be there
in the morning
Spruced up
and lookin' in me prime
Girls, come and kiss me
Show how you'll miss me
But get me
to the church on time
If I am dancing
roll up the floor
If I am whistling
Me out the door
I'm gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Kick up a rumpus
But don't lose the compass
And get me to the church
Get him to the church
For God's sake
get me to the church
On time
I'm gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Some bloke who's able
Lift up the table
And get me to the church
on time
- If I am flyin'
then shoot me down
- Ohh!
If I am wooing
get her out of town
For I'm gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Whoops !
Feather and tar me
Call out the army
But get me to the church
Get me to the church
Oh, for God's sake
get me to the church
On time
He's gettin' married
in the morning
- Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
- Come on!
Pull out the stopper
Let's have a whopper
But get me to the church
on time
He's got to be there
in the morning
Spruced up
and looking in his prime
Girls, come and kiss me
Show how you'll miss me
But get me to the church
on time
If I am dancing
roll up the floor
If I am whistling
Me out the door
Oh, he's gettin' married
in the morning
- Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
- Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Drug me or jail me
Stamp me and mail me
- But get me to the church
- Get him to the church
For God's sake
get me to the church
On time
Come on, Alfie,
give us a little dance.
- Aw, ain't he dainty, though?
- Yeah, he's liable to float!
Girls, come and kiss him
Show how we miss him
And get him to the church
on time
He's up on a stage!
Kick up a rumpus
But don't lose the compass
- And get him to the church
on time
- Is she shinin' 'em?
If I am flyin'
then shoot me down
- If I am wooin'
Get her outta town
- Ouch!
He's gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
- Some bloke who's able
Lift up the table
- What would your wife say?
Get me to the church
on time
Cheers!
Starlight is reelin'
Home to bed now
Morning is smearin' up
the sky
London is waking
Daylight is breaking
Good luck, old chum
Good health
Good-bye
I'm gettin' married
in the morning
Ding dong
The bells are gonna chime
Hail and salute me
Then haul off and boot me
But get him to the church
Get him to the church
For God's sake
get him to the church
On
Time
Pickering! Pickering!
Didn't she even say
where to send her clothes?
- I told you, sir,
she took them all with her.
- Pickering!
- What's the matter?
- Here's a confounded thing:
Eliza's bolted!
- Bolted?
- Bolted! Last night Mrs. Pearce
let her go without telling me
a thing about it!
-Well, I'm dashed!
-What am I to do? I got tea
this morning instead of coffee!
I don't know where anything is;
I don't know when
my appointments are.
- Eliza would know.
- Of course she'd know,
but, damn it, she's gone!
- Did either of you gentlemen
frighten her last night?
- Last night?
We hardly said a word to her.
You were there. Did you bully
her after I went to bed?
It was the other way around.
She threw the slippers at me.
I never gave her the slightest
provocation; the slippers
suddenly came bang at my head
before I uttered a word.
- She used the most disgraceful
language. I was shocked!
- Well, I'm dashed!
I don't understand. We've always
given her every consideration.
She admitted it herself.
- Well, I'm dashed.
- Oh, Pickering, for God's sake,
stop being dashed
and do something!
- What?
- Well, phone the police!
What are they there for,
in heaven's name?
Mr. Higgins, you can't give
Eliza's name to the police
as if she were a thief
or a lost umbrella!
Well, why not? I want to find
the girl. She belongs to me.
I paid five pounds for her.
Quite right. Hello.
Uh, Scotland Yard, please.
- Get me some coffee,
would you, please,
- Yes, sir.
Mrs., uh-- Scotland Yard?
Pearce, of course.
I beg your pardon. Yes, Miss--
Uh, th-th-this is
Colonel Pickering speaking.
- Hugh Pickering,
27-A Wimpole Street.
- 27-A Wimpole Street.
- I want to report
a missing person.
- Name?
- A Miss Eliza Doolittle.
Yeah.
- How old, sir?
- About 21.
- Her height?
Uh, ooh, I should say
about five foot, seven.
- What color eyes?
- Her eyes?
- Right.
- Oh, let me think now.
Her eyes. Her eyes, uh--
- Brown!
- Uh, brown, yes.
No, no, no! No-- Her hair?
Oh, good lord, let me--
No, no. Well, a sort of
nondescript, neutral sort of--
- Brown, brown, brown!
- Did you hear what he said?
"Brown, brown, brown." Yes.
No, no, no, this is her
residence, 27-A-- Ye-Yes, uh--
About, uh, between 3:00 and 4:00
this morning, I understand.
Yes. No, no, no, no. No. Rela--
No, she's no relation, no.
What? Well, just let's call her
a good friend, shall we?
I beg your pardon? Listen to me,
my man, I don't like the tenor
of that question.
What the girl does here
is our affair.
Your affair
is to get her back so that
she can continue doing it.
Well, I'm dashed.
What in all in heaven
can have prompted her to go
After such a triumph
at the ball
What could have depressed her
What could have possessed her
I can't understand
the wretch at all
Higgins, I have an old
school chum at the Home Office.
Perhaps he can help.
- Think I'll give him a ring.
- Number, please.
- Whitehall-seven-two,
double-four, please.
- One moment,
I'll connect your call.
But women are irrational
That's all there is to that
Their heads are full
of cotton, hay and rags
They're nothing
but exasperating
irritating, vacillating
Calculating, agitating
maddening and infuriating hags
- Yes?
- Oh, I want to speak to
Mr. Brewster Budgin, please.
- Would you hold on, sir?
- Brew-- Yes, I'll wait.
Pickering, why can't a woman
be more like a man?
I beg your pardon?
Yes, why can't a woman
be more like a man
Men are so honest
So thoroughly square
Eternally noble
Historically fair
When you win we'll always
give your back a pat
Why can't a woman
be like that
Why does every one
do what the others do
Can't a woman learn
to use her head
Why do they do everything
their mothers do
Why don't they grow up
well, like their father instead
Why can't a woman
take after a man
Men are so pleasant
So easy to please
Whenever you're with them
you're always at ease
- Would you be slighted if
I didn't speak for hours
- Of course not.
- Would you be livid
if I had a drink or two
- Nonsense!
- Would you be wounded if
I never sent you flowers
- Never.
Well, why can't a woman
be like you
One man in a million
may shout a bit
Now and then
there's one with slight defects
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness
you doubt a bit
But by and large
we are a marvelous sex
Why can't a woman
take after a man
'Cause men are so friendly
good-natured and kind
A better companion
you never will find
- If I were hours late for
dinner, would you bellow
- Of course not.
- If I forgot your silly
birthday, would you fuss
- Nonsense!
- Would you complain if
I took out another fellow
- Never!
Well, why can't a woman
be like us
- Oh, hello.
Mr. Brewster Budgin there?
- Yes, Budgin here.
Brewsie. Oh, Brewsie,
you'll never, never guess
who this is, no.
- Colonel Hugh Pickering.
- You're quite right.
Yes, it is. Good heavens.
- By George, what a memory.
- I remember you very well.
-How are you, Brewsie?
Mmm, nice to hear your voice.
-Do you know how long it's been?
- What?
- Thirty years.
- Oh, don't say that.
Is it really thirty years?
Good heavens. Quite right, yes.
Oceans of water.
Listen, listen, Brewsie,
I'll tell you why I rang up.
Something rather unpleasant's
happened this end.
Could I come and see you?
Mmm. Well, I could, yes.
Now. Straightaway.
Right-o. Good. Thank you.
Thank you. Good-bye, Brewsie.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Mrs. Pearce, I'm going
along to the Home Office.
Oh, I do hope you find her,
Colonel Pickering.
Mr. Higgins will miss her.
Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh?
Blast Mr. Higgins!
I'll miss her.
Pickering!
Pickering!
- Oh, Mrs. Pearce?
- Yes, sir?
- Where's the Colonel?
- He's gone to
the Home Office, sir.
Oh, there you are.
I'm disturbed,
and he runs for help.
Now, there's a good fellow.
Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman.
Why can't a woman
be more like a man
Men are so decent
Such regular chaps
Ready to help you
through any mishaps
Ready to buck you up
whenever you are glum
Why can't a woman be a chum
Why is thinking something
women never do
And why is logic
never even tried
Straightening up their hair
is all they ever do
Why don't they straighten up
the mess that's inside
Why can't a woman
behave like a man
If I was a woman
who'd been to a ball
Been hailed as a princess
by one and by all
Would I start weeping
like a bathtub overflowing
Or carry on as if my home
were in a tree
Would I run off and never
tell me where I'm going
Why can't a woman
be like me
Do you mean to say
that after you'd done...
this wonderful thing for them
without making a single mistake,
they just sat there,
never said a word to you;
never petted you
or admired you or told you
how splendid you'd been?
Not a word. They just sat there
congratulating each other
on how marvelous they'd been,
and the next moment on how
glad they were it was all over
and what a bore it had all been.
This is simply appalling;
I should not have thrown
my slippers at him,
- I should've thrown
the fire irons.
- Good day, Professor Higgins.
- Oh!
- What's that?
- Henry.
I knew it wouldn't
be too long.
Now, remember, you not only
danced with a prince last night,
you behaved
like a princess.
Uh, Mother, the most
confounded thing. Do you--
- You?
- Good afternoon, Professor
Higgins. Are you quite well?
- Am I--
- Of course you are.
You are never ill.
Would you care
for some tea?
Don't you dare try that game
on me; I taught it to you.
Now, you get up and come home
and stop being a fool. You've
caused me enough trouble
for one morning.
Very nicely put indeed, Henry.
No woman could resist
such an invitation.
Well, how did that baggage
get here in the first place?
Eliza came to see me
this morning, and I was
delighted to have her.
And if you don't promise
to behave yourself,
I must ask you to leave.
Do you mean to say I am to
put on my Sunday manners for
this thing that I created...
out of the squashed cabbage
leaves of Covent Garden?
- That's precisely what I mean.
- Well, I'll see her
damned first.
However did you learn good
manners with my son around?
It was very difficult.
I should never have known
how ladies and gentlemen
behaved if it hadn't been
for Colonel Pickering.
He always showed me that
he felt and thought about me...
as if I were something better
than a common flower girl.
You see, Mrs. Higgins,
apart from the things
one can pick up,
the difference between a lady
and a flower girl is not how she
behaves but how she is treated.
I shall always be a flower girl
to Professor Higgins...
because he always treats me as
a flower girl and always will.
But I know I shall always be
a lady to Colonel Pickering...
because he always treats me
as a lady and always will.
Henry, don't grind
your teeth.
The Bishop is here, madam.
Shall I show him
into the garden?
The Bishop and the Professor?
Good heavens, no.
I shall be excommunicated.
I'll see him in the library.
Eliza, if my son
starts breaking up things,
I give you full permission
to have him evicted.
Henry, dear, I suggest you
stick to two subjects:
the weather and your health.
Well, you've had a bit of
your own back, as you call it.
Have you had enough and are
you going to be reasonable,
or do you want any more?
You want me back
only to pick up your slippers
and put up with your tempers
and fetch and carry for you.
- I didn't say
I wanted you back at all.
- Oh, indeed. Then what
are we talking about?
Well, about you,
not about me.
If you come back,
you'll be treated as
you've always been treated.
I can't change my nature;
I don't intend to change
my manner--
My manners are exactly the same
as Colonel Pickering.
That's not true;
he treats a flower girl
as if she were a duchess.
Well, I treat a duchess
as if she was a flower girl.
- Oh, I see.
The same to everybody.
- Just so.
You see, the great secret,
Eliza, is not a question of
good manners or bad manners...
or any particular sort
of manners,
but having the same manner
for all human souls.
The question is not whether
I treat you rudely,
but whether you've ever heard me
treat anyone else better.
I don't care how you treat me;
I don't mind
your swearing at me.
I shouldn't mind a black eye;
I've had one before this.
- But I won't be passed over.
- Well, then, get out of my way,
for I won't stop for you.
- You talk about me
as though I was a motor bus.
- So you are a motor bus.
All bounce and go and no
consideration for anybody.
But I can get along without you.
Don't you think I can't?
I know you can;
I told you you could.
You'd never wondered,
I suppose, whether--
whether I could get along
without you.
Don't you try to get around me;
you'll have to.
And so I can, without you
or any soul on Earth.
I shall miss you, Eliza.
I've learnt something
from your idiotic notions.
I confess that,
humbly and gratefully.
Well, you have my voice
on your gramophone.
When you feel lonely without me,
you can turn it on;
it has no feelings to hurt.
Well, I, I can't
turn your soul on.
Ooh, you are a devil.
You can twist the heart in
a girl just as easily as some
can twist her arms to hurt her.
- What am I to come back for?
- For the fun of it!
That's why I took you on!
And you may throw me out
tomorrow if I don't do
everything you want me to?
Yes, and you may walk out
tomorrow if I don't do
everything you want me to.
- And live with my father?
- Yes; or sell flowers. Or would
you rather marry Pickering?
I wouldn't marry you if you
asked me, and you're nearer
my age then what he is.
- Than he is.
- I talk as I like.
You're not my teacher now!
That's not what I want,
and don't you think it is.
I've always had chaps enough
wanting me that way.
Freddy Hill writes me
twice and three times a day,
sheets and sheets.
Oh! In short, you want me to
be as infatuated about you
as he is, is that it?
No, I don't. That's not
the sort of feeling
I want from you.
I want a little kindness.
I know I'm a common, ignorant
girl and you're a book-learned
gentleman,
but I'm not dirt
under your feet.
What I done--
What I did...
was not for the taxis
and the dresses,
but because we were
pleasant together,
and I'd come to--came...
to care for you,
not to want you to make love
to me, and not forgetting
the difference between us,
but more friendly-like.
Well, of course.
That's how I feel.
A-And how Pickering feels.
- Uh, El-Eliza, you're a fool.
- That's not the proper answer
to give me!
It's the only answer
you'll get until you stop
being a plain idiot.
If you're going to be a lady,
you'll have to give up feeling
neglected if the men you know...
don't spend half their time
sniveling over you and the other
half giving you black eyes.
You find me cold,
unfeeling, selfish, don't you?
Well, be off with you to
the sort of people you like.
Marry some sentimental hog
or other with lots of money...
and a thick pair of lips
to kiss you with and a thick
pair of boots to kick you with.
If you can't appreciate what
you've got, you'd better get
what you can appreciate.
Oh, I can't talk to you.
You always turn
everything against me;
I'm always in the wrong.
But don't be too sure that you
have me under your feet to be
trampled on and talked down.
I'll marry Freddy, I will,
as soon as I'm able
to support him.
Freddy? That poor devil
who couldn't get a job
as an errand boy, even if he
had the guts to try for it?
Woman, don't you understand?
I've made you a consort
for a king!
Freddy loves me! That makes him
king enough for me!
I don't want him to work.
He wasn't brought up to it
as I was.
- I'll go and be a teacher.
- What'll you teach,
in heaven's name?
What you taught me:
I'll teach phonetics.
Ha ha ha.
I'll offer myself
as an assistant to
that brilliant Hungarian.
What, that impostor? That
humbug? That toadying ignoramus?
Teach him my methods,
my discoveries?
You take one step in that
direction and I'll wring
your neck! Do you hear?
Wring away! What do I care?
I knew you'd strike me one day!
Ohh.
Ah, that's done you,
'Enry 'Iggins, it has!
Now, I don't care that for
your bullyin' and your big talk!
What a fool I was
What a dominated fool
To think you were
the earth and sky
What a fool I was
What an addlepated fool
What a mutton-headed dolt
was I
No, my reverberating friend
You are not
the beginning and the end
You impudent hussy.
There's not an idea in your head
or a word in your mouth
that I haven't put there.
There'll be spring
every year
Without you
England still will be here
without you
There'll be fruit on the tree
and a shore by the sea
There'll be crumpets and tea
without you
Art and music will thrive
without you
Somehow Keats will survive
without you
And there still will be rain
on that plain down in Spain
Even that will remain
without you
I can do
Without you
You, dear friend
Who talk so well
You can go to
Hartford, Hereford
and Hampshire
They can still rule the land
without you
Windsor Castle will stand
without you
And without much ado
we can all muddle through
Without you
You brazen hussy.
Without your pulling it
the tide comes in
Without your twirling it
the earth can spin
Without your pushing them
the clouds roll by
If they can do without you
Ducky, so can I
I shall not feel alone
without you
I can stand on my own
without you
So go back in your shell
I can do bloody well
- Without--
- By George, I really did it
I did it, I did it
I said I'd make a woman
and indeed I did
I knew that I could do it
I knew it, I knew it
I said I'd make a woman
And succeed I did
Eliza, you're magnificent.
Five minutes ago you were
a millstone 'round my neck, and
now you're a tower of strength,
a consort battleship.
I like you this way.
Good-bye,
Professor Higgins.
You shall not be
seeing me again.
Mother!
Mother!
What is it, Henry?
What's happened?
- She's gone.
- Well, of course, dear.
What did you expect?
Well--
- What am I to do?
- Do without, I suppose.
And so I shall.
If the Higgins oxygen
burns up her little lungs,
let her seek some stuffiness
that suits her.
She's an owl, sickened by
a few days of my sunshine.
Very well, let her go.
I can do without her.
I can do without anyone.
I have my own soul,
my own spark of divine fire!
Bravo, Eliza!
Damn, damn, damn, damn
I've grown accustomed
to her face
She almost makes the day begin
I've grown accustomed to
the tune that she whistles
night and noon
Her smiles, her frowns
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature
to me now
Like breathing out
and breathing in
I was serenely independent
and content before we met
Surely I could always
be that way again
And yet I've grown accustomed
to her looks
Accustomed to her voice
Accustomed
To her face
Marry Freddy.
What an infantile idea.
What a heartless, wicked,
brainless thing to do.
But she'll regret it.
She'll regret it!
It's doomed before
they even take the vow.
I can see her now
Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill
In a wretched little flat
above a store
I can see her now
Not a penny in the till
And a bill collector
beating at the door
She'll try to teach
the things I taught her
And end up selling
flowers instead
Begging for her bread
and water
While her husband has
his breakfast in bed
In a year or so
when she's prematurely gray
And the blossom in her cheek
has turned to chalk
She'll come home and, lo
he'll have upped and run away
With a social-climbing
heiress from New York
Poor Eliza
How simply frightful
How humiliating
How delightful
How poignant it'll be
on that inevitable night
When she hammers on my door
in tears and rags
Miserable and lonely
Repentant and contrite
Will I take her in
or hurl her to the wolves
Give her kindness or
the treatment she deserves
Will I take her back
or throw the baggage out
Well, I'm a most forgiving man
The sort who never could
Ever would
Take a position
and staunchly never budge
A most forgiving man
But I shall never take her back
If she were crawling
on her knees
Let her promise to atone
Let her shiver, let her moan
I'll slam the door
and let the hellcat freeze
Marry Freddy. Ha!
But I'm so used to hear her say
Good morning every day
Her joys, her woes
Her highs, her lows
Are second nature to me now
Like breathing out
and breathing in
I'm very grateful
she's a woman
And so easy to forget
Rather like a habit
one can always break
And yet I've grown accustomed
to the trace
Of something in the air
Accustomed
To her
Face
Ah, we are proud.
He ain't above givin' lessons,
not him. I heard him say so.
Well, I ain't come here to ask
for any compliment,
and if my money's not good
enough I can go elsewhere.
- Good enough for what?
- Good enough for you.
Now you know, don't ya?
I'm come to have lessons, I am,
and to pay for 'em too,
make no mistake.
- What is it you want, my girl?
- Uh, I want to be a lady
in a flower shop...
instead of sellin' at the corner
at Tottenham Court Road.
They won't take me unless
I can talk more genteel.
He said he could teach me.
Well, here I am, ready to pay,
not askin' any favor, and he
treats me as if I was dirt.
I know what lessons cost
as well as you do,
and I'm ready to pay.
I won't give more than a
shillin'; take it or leave it.
It's almost irresistible.
She's so deliciously low,
so horribly dirty.
I'll take it!
I'll make a duchess of this
draggle-tailed guttersnipe--
I washed me face and hands
before I come, I did.
Eliza?
Where the devil
are my slippers?