Journal of Etcetera 
by Barbalurina

Part 3:

Old Deuteronomy did something and found that I hadn't
conceived.   I was surprised at how sad that made me.
 I thought I would be relieved.  

I left the Vicarage Wall not quite sure of what to
make of what Old Deuteronomy told me.  It was a lot
for me to try and put together.  

When I got back to the box, Electra was there with a
mouse.  She instantly offered to share.  We always did
when either of us found something to eat.  

I accepted gratefully, and ate without a word.

"So, I heard you might be having kittens," she said
quietly.

I shook my head.  It surely wasn't a secret
now.  "No.  Old Deuteronomy said I wasn't."

"What's it like?"

"What?"

"Mating."

I might have been annoyed, if it were anyone else
asking, but Electra and I had been through a lot.  I
know if she had been the one to mate, I would ask her
about it, too.  
  
"It's.....it's amazing.  I can't put it into words." I
still couldn't be specific.  I wanted that part for
myself!

"Huh.  Bombalurina could."

"Well, why are you asking me, then?" I felt a little
irritated.

"I guess I wanted to know how much of what she said
was bunk."

"Bunk?  Is she giving mating lessons?"  I laughed.

Electra laughed, too.  "No.  She just talks about the
toms she's been with and what a Queen is supposed to
do."

"You mean there really ARE mating lessons?"  I was
just kidding!

"Not really a lesson.  I think it's more of a gossip
session, really.  Bomba likes to show off, you know.
I just can't believe that she's been with that many
toms.  She wouldn't be able to walk!"

We both giggled over that.  Oh, it was nice to have
something normal back.  I guess I thought things would
be different between us, but she didn't treat me any
more or less affectionately than she did before.  

Bombalurina was something of a legend to the Queen
kittens.  Maybe infamous would be a better word.  She
seemed to have no shame in pursuing any tom, whether
he had a mate or not.  

Like Papa.  She enticed him away from Mama, and that's
how my sister Jemima was born.  After she was through
with him, though, she moved on immediately.  She never
stayed with any one tom for very long.  She even left
her kitten in the care of Jennyanydots!  I guess she
just isn't maternal.   

Mama had moved on, too, leaving Papa alone.  I think
Jennyanydots is his lady, now, though she rather
shamelessly pursued Bustopher Jones on the night of
the Jellicle Ball.

Electra took off for some Kitten thing.  It was
weird.  I missed Kitten activities, sometimes, but
being a Queen had its advantages, too.   

Now there was nothing to keep me from thinking about
all the things I'd learned about Mungojerrie.  

I had no problem with him being a spy, or whatever it
is he does in Macavity's gang.  After all, if he
hadn't been there, I would never have escaped.

I could understand that he might fear for my safety if
I became his Mate.  

I could understand his declaration about never wanting
another Mate.  That's more guilt than any cat should
ever have to carry. 

I could understand, even, that he thought he was
protecting me, and himself, by keeping me at a
distance.  

I just couldn't stand that he made the choice to cut
me off without ever discussing it!  I would have
understood!  I would have been hurt, but I would have
understood.

Did he still want me?  I know Old Deuteronomy said he
did, but it just didn't seem likely.  Wouldn't he have
made a move by now?  

I suppose the question, now, is what do I do with the
information?  Do I confront him?  Do I wait for him to
approach me? 

Maybe I just make things too complicated for myself.  

Two days later: 

Papa finally got back.  I was glad that he was all
right, but dreaded speaking with him.  

It wouldn't be long, I was sure, before he found out
about me.

He came to my box.  One look from him, and Electra
took off.  

I was backed into a corner.  Nowhere to run.  

He didn't say anything, at first.  I shivered, waiting
for the worst.

He saw where my shoulder marks were mostly
healed.  "Did he force you?" 

"No, Papa." 

"Why didn't you wait?"

"You weren't here, Papa.  You don't know what
happened."

"Tell me."

I told him how Macavity had catnapped me, how I'd made
him angry, then how Mungo had helped me escape.  

"So, you felt you owed yourself to him?"

"No, Papa, it wasn't like that!  I was in heat!  If
Mungo had left me with Macavity, I'd be dead or having
Macavity's kittens!"

"Of course, I'm glad you escaped.  I just wish you had
better judgment."

Something clicked inside me.  "Oh, I see.  It's not so
much that I didn't wait, it was my choice of Tom.
Well, don't blame him, Papa.  I chose to go to his
house with him.  I didn't have to.  I went there
knowing what would probably happen, and truthfully, I
hoped it would."  I had NEVER talked to Papa that way,
before, but I had to make him understand.

"You always were reckless."  He shook his head.

I wasn't getting through to him.  I was still his
reckless kitten, Etcetera, and so I wasn't going to be
taken seriously.  

"Papa, it wasn't recklessness, nor was it gratitude,
although I was grateful to him."

"I hear he hasn't been here to visit you.  Not even to
inquire whether you were having his kittens.  Doesn't
that tell you something?"

I couldn't tell Papa everything that Old Deuteronomy
had told me.  It wasn't for me to say, so I said
nothing.

"You can do so much better.  What about Admetus?  Or
Pouncival?"

I wanted to scream.  "Papa, who are we to say who's
better?  I only know how I feel, and I feel I should
wait for Mungojerrie."

Papa shook his head, again.  I could tell he was
disappointed.  "I don't want you to get your heart
broken.  I know he's already hurt you, and I could
kill him for that."

"I know, but I am asking you not to.  I need to work
this out for myself.  Please, Papa." 

I'm not sure what it was that convinced him, but he
left me, promising not to kill Mungojerrie.  

I knew it would take Papa a while to get over this.
until Jemima, I'd been his baby, so he was
protective.  I wondered if Jemima would ever get a
mate, the way Papa would hover over her.  Still, she
was very young, yet.  It probably wouldn't happen at
least for a few months. 

The Next Evening: 

Mungojerrie finally came back to the junkyard.

He bounced in, with Rumpleteazer in tow, cheerful as
ever.

Well, two could play at that.  I didn't have
Grandfather Gus' blood for nothing!  I pasted on my
goofy grin and sauntered out of my box.  

I was making my way over to him, when an orange blur
seemed to come out of the sky and knocked Mungo flat.
Rumple let out a loud screech.

"Papa!  You promised!"  I hoped with all of my being
that Papa wouldn't kill him.  

"Yes, I promised not to kill him.  That is all I
promised."  Then, just like one of my nightmares, Papa
faced off against Mungojerrie.

Mungo got back on his feet, none the worse for getting
knocked over.  I suppose it happens a lot at
Macavity's.

They circled each other for a minute, until Papa
finally approached him.  Mungo stood absolutely
still.  

They were nose to nose, when Papa was saying something
I couldn't make out.  

Then, Papa unsheathed a single claw and dug it in
Mungo's back.  He cried out, but didn't fight.   

What were they doing?  Some weird tom thing?  

Papa yanked his claw out of Mungo's back, and I could
see the blood start dripping from the wound.  After
that, Papa left, seemingly all right.  

Will I ever understand toms?  

The junkyard cleared of everyone but Mungo and me.

Now I had to say something to him.  Anything.

"I'm sorry about that.  Shall I clean it?"  I
indicated his bleeding wound.  

"All right," he said, not looking at me.

I went around him, to the side where he was dripping,
and began to clean.  I had never tasted another cat's
blood before.  I didn't like it.  

I stopped cleaning for a moment.  "What did Papa say
to you?"

He said nothing.  

"Will you ever speak to me again?"

"Why do you want me to?  You deserve someone better."

Was he kidding?  I sighed.  "And what makes any other
tom better than you?"  I lowered my voice, "I know
what happened a year ago.  It's not your fault."

"You know.  You KNOW?  What do you know?  She
died 'ating me, blaming me!  I won't 'ave another
Queen die 'cause o' me!"

I wanted to comfort him, and I wanted to scream.  "I'm
sorry."

"Not your problem."

"It's making a problem.  I want to ask you why you
invited me to your house, knowing I was in heat, if
you didn't want to do anything about it?"

"I think we were both off our 'eads."

"I might have been, but you weren't."

"You're right.  It's my fault.  I was weak.  You
weren't in a state to refuse.  Thief in all ways,
that's me."

"Weak?  You saved my life!  If you hadn't been there,
I'd either be dead, or wish I were."

He sighed.  "You're determined to break me down,
aren't you?"

I sat nose to nose with him.  "I don't want to break
you down.  I just want to....well, I'd like to love
you.  Will you let me?"

There, I'd laid it all out.  It was the first time I'd
even mentioned love, even to myself.

" 'ow can you love me?  You don't know me.  I've done
some awful things."  Quietly, uncertain.

"I know what I've seen, and what Old Deuteronomy told
me.  You need someone to love you.  Everyone does, but
I think especially you."

"It'll 'ave to be a secret."

"Secret?"

"I don't want Macavi'y findin' out.  I don't think I
could survive losin' you, too."

"You won't.  If I can help it, you won't lose me."  I
rubbed my face in his chest fur.

We stayed like that for a minute.  Then, I felt a
quiet chuckle.  "Your father told me that if I ever
broke your 'eart, it wouldn't be Macavi'y I'd 'ave to
worry  'bout."

"He still sees me as his reckless kitten.  I'm sorry
he hurt you." I looked at his wound again.  It had
begun to scab.

"Oh, that wasn't about anger.  It was the First Mating
Ritual."

"Ritual?  I don't understand."

"Your mother didn't explain?"

"My mother and I are not.....close."

"Well, it's a tradition.  Usually, about three days
before'and, the father o' the Queen digs a claw in the
back o' the Tom that he approves of.  It's symbolic."

"Of what?"  Now the curiosity was eating me alive.

"Well, I guess it's the pain.  The pain o' the First
Mating.  I think it's so the Queen is not the only one
who feels pain.  I'm not entirely sure 'bout that."

"Wow.  You Toms sure are strange."

"You Queens aren’t any better." He smiled, and I
thought I would melt.

I sat with him, and purred.  Finally, it was looking
like things would be better.


Part1.2.4.5.6.7.8.

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