Disclaimer: Princess Bride belongs to whoever it does belong and CATS belongs to RUG. I'm just borrowing them. *g* I promise not to break them... *Jemima eyes*
(Scene opens in Grandson's bedroom. He's sitting on the bed playing video games)
Jellylorum: Hi, honey.
Pouncival: Hi, Mom.
Jellylorum: (kisses him) You feeling any better?
Pouncival: A little bit.
Jellylorum: Guess what?
Pouncival: What?
Jellylorum: Your Grandfather's here.
Pouncival: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
Jellylorum: Your sick? That's why he's here.
Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
Jellylorum: Maybe he won't.
Gus: Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, eh? (pinches Pouncival's cheek)
Jellylorum: I think I'll leave you two alone.
Gus: I brought you a special present.
Pouncival: What is it??
Gus: Open it up.
Pouncival: (rips open package) A book ?
Gus: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Pouncival: Does it got any sports in it?
Gus: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles...
Pouncival: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Gus: Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, Chapter One. Demeter was raised on a small farm in the country of Jellicle. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm-cat that worked there. His name was Munkustrap, but she never called him that." (pauses) Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Pouncival: Yeah, it's really good.
(Scene change: a pretty farm by a forest)
Gus: "Nothing gave Demeter as much pleasure as ordering Munkustrap around."
Demeter: Tom, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Munkustrap: As you wish.
Gus: "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."
Demeter: Tom, fill these with water... please.
Munkustrap: As you wish.
Gus: "That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."
Demeter: Tom... fetch me that pitcher.
Munkustrap: As you wish.
( she smiles and they kiss)
(Scene change: Pouncival's bedroom)
Pouncival: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? (worriedly) Is this a kissing book?
Gus: Wait, just wait.
Pouncival: Well when does it get good?
Gus: Keep your tail on, let me read. "Munkustrap had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Demeter."
Pouncival: I don't believe this!
(Scene change: back to the farm)
Demeter: I fear I'll never see you again.
Munkustrap: Of course you will.
Demeter: But what if something happens to you?
Munkustrap: Hear this now: I will always come for you.
Demeter: But how can you be sure?
Munkustrap: This is True Love. You think this happens every day??
Gus: "Munkustrap didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Macavity, who never left captives alive. When Demeter got the news that Munkustrap was murdered, -"
Pouncival: Murdered by pirates is good....
Gus: "She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate."
Demeter: I will never love again.
(Scene change: the Prince and the King are on the tire facing the main square)
Gus: "Five years later, the main square of Jellicle Junkyard was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Plato's bride-to-be."
Plato: (addressing the crowd) My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a Queen who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?
Crowd of assorted cats: Yes!
Plato: My people, the Princess Demeter. (Demeter enters, wearing a crown)
(Scene change (again *g*): outside Jellicle Junkyard. Demeter is riding a horse)
Gus: "Demeter's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Plato the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Plato's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."
(Three cats stop Demeter)
Victoria: A word, my lady. We are but poor strays. Is there a village nearby?
Demeter: There is nothing nearby... not for miles.
Victoria: Then there will be no one to hear you scream!
(the three quickly tie up and blind fold Demeter)
Mistoffelees: What is that you're scattering on the saddle?
Victoria: It's tail fur of an army officer of Pollicle.
Tugger: Who's Pollicle?
Victoria: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Jellicle. (to horse) Go!
(the four board a boat)
Once the horse reaches the castle, the fur will make the prince suspect the Pollicles have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Pollicle frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Tugger: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Victoria: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Tugger: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent Queen.
Victoria: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HAIRY MASS OF FUR!
Mistoffelees: I agree with Tugger.
Victoria: OH! THE SHRIMP HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN. I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY CATNIP! AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND!!!
Mistoffelees: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Tugger: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us.
Mistoffelees: Probably he means no harm.
Tugger: He's really very short on... charm.
Mistoffelees: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Tugger: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Victoria: Enough of that!
Mistoffelees: Tugger, are there rocks ahead?
Tugger: If there are, we all be dead!
Victoria: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Tugger: Anybody want a peanut?
Victoria: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! (leaps at Tugger, but does him no harm as his fur is in the way)
(Scene change: open water. Mistoffelees is looking behind the boat frequently)
Victoria: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that?
Mistoffelees: Are you sure nobody's follow us?
Victoria: That would be inconceivable.
Demeter: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Victoria: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own. (pauses) Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over.
Mistoffelees: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Victoria: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Pollicle knows what we've done, and no one in Jellicle could've gotten here so fast. (pauses) Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Mistoffelees: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there.
Victoria: Probably some local fishercat out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel-infested waters.
(there is a splash as Demeter dives overboard and starts to paddle away)
Victoria: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!
Mistoffelees: I don't swim.
Tugger: If I get my hair wet I drown.
Victoria: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! (to Demeter) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS? THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED CAT. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS. (there are noises all around Demeter now)
(Scene change: Pouncival's room)
Gus: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Pouncival: What?
Gus: The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you because you look nervous.
Pouncival: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing.
Gus: Because we can stop now if you want.
Pouncival: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.
(Scene switches back to the boat)
Gus: "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels."
Grandson: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Gus: Oh, oh my goodness I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was coming after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then-
(Tugger pulls Demeter out of water)
Victoria: Put her down, just put her down.
Mistoffelees: I think he's getting closer.
Victoria: HE'S NO CONCERN OF OURS. SAIL ON! (to Demeter) I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Demeter: Only compared to some.
(Scene now shows the base of the Cliffs of Insanity)
Mistoffelees: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using.
Victoria: WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE? THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! (pauses) MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Tugger is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor. (Scene shifts to them climbing the Cliffs. Mistoffelees, Victoria, and Demeter are clinging to Tugger, as he climbs a rope to the top)
Mistoffelees: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
Victoria: Inconceivable! (pause) FASTER!
Tugger: I thought I was going faster.
Victoria: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!
Tugger: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself.
Victoria: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL.
Tugger: Don't say that, Victoria. Please?
Victoria: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT STAKE?
(Time passes and they're at the top. The three Toms look down at the masked Tom still climbing the rope)
Tugger: He's got very good arms.
Victoria: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Mistoffelees: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. (pauses) My Goddess! He's climbing!
Victoria: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Pollicle frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Mistoffelees: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Victoria: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!
Mistoffelees: It is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
Victoria: Oh, have it your way.
Tugger: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Victoria: I'M WAITING!
(Victoria, Tugger, and Demeter depart the Ruins, leaving Mistoffelees to wait for the masked cat)
Mistoffelees: Hello there! Slow going?
Dread Pirate Macavity: (climbing cliff) Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Mistoffelees: Sorry.
Dread Pirate Macavity: (tersely) Thank you.
Mistoffelees: I do not suppose you could a-speed things up?
Dread Pirate Macavity: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Mistoffelees: I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Dread Pirate Macavity: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Mistoffelees: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Dread Pirate Macavity: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Mistoffelees: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a tux....
Dread Pirate Macavity: No good. I've known too many tuxes.
Mistoffelees: Is there not any way you'll trust me?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Nothing comes to mind.
Mistoffelees: I swear, on the soul of my father, Bustopher Jones, you will reach the top alive.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Throw me the rope. (reaches the top) Thank you.
Mistoffelees: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Again, thank you.
Mistoffelees: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have moonlit eyes behind that mask?
Dread Pirate Macavity: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Mistoffelees: My father was slaughtered by a cat with moonlit eyes. Was a great sword-maker, my father. When the cat appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was done.
Dread Pirate Macavity: (admires the sword) I've never seen its equal.
Mistoffelees: The cat with the moonlit eyes returned and demanded it, but at one- tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the cat with moonlit eyes slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The cat leaves me alive. But he gave me this. (points to long scar on left cheek)
Dread Pirate Macavity: How old were you?
Mistoffelees: I was a kitten. When I was a strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the cat and say, "Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Dread Pirate Macavity: You've done nothing but study swordplay?
Mistoffelees: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It has been many years now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Victoria to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money in revenge.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Well, I-I certainly hope you find him someday.
Mistoffelees: You are ready, then?
Dread Pirate Macavity: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Mistoffelees: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Dread Pirate Macavity: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Mistoffelees: Begin. (they began to fence. The following conversation takes place while they fight) You are using Bonetti's defense against me, uh?
Dread Pirate Macavity: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Mistoffelees: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don't you?
Mistoffelees: Unless the enemy hasn't studied his Agrippa, which I have! (pauses during a difficult part) You are wonderful!
Dread Pirate Macavity: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Mistoffelees: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Then why are you smiling?
Mistoffelees: Because I know something you don't know.
Dread Pirate Macavity: And what is that?
Mistoffelees: (who has been fencing with his left hand) I am not left-handed.
Dread Pirate Macavity: You're amazing!
Mistoffelees: I ought to be after twenty years.
Dread Pirate Macavity: There is something I ought to tell you.
Mistoffelees: Tell me.
Dread Pirate Macavity: I'm not left-handed either.
(they switch hands and keep fencing)
Mistoffelees: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Macavity: No one of consequence.
Mistoffelees: I must know.
Dread Pirate Macavity: Get used to disappointment.
Mistoffelees: (shrugs) Okay.
(there is a pause as they continue to fight. Suddenly Mistoffelees stops and drops to his knees)
Mistoffelees: Kill me quickly.
Dread Pirate Macavity: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either.... (he hits Mistoffelees over the head with his sword. The tux falls to the ground, out cold. He apologises) Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.
On to part 2
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