(Scene change: Prince Plato's office. Ademetus is just entering.)
Plato: Rise and report.
Ademetus: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty Toms guard the castle gate.
Plato: Double it. My princess must be safe.
Ademetus: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
(Demeter enters)
Plato: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your Toms will escort us to Jellicle channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Demeter: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. (pauses, sounds unsure) Every ship but the four you sent.
Plato: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
Ademetus: Ahem. Your majesty.
Demeter: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Munkustrap will come for me anyway.
Plato: You're a silly cat.
Demeter: Yes, I am silly, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Plato: I would not say such things if I were you.
Demeter: Why not? You can't hurt me. Munkustrap and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
Plato: (threatening voice) I would not say such things if I were you!
(Scene: the Pit of Despair. Plato is standing over Munkustrap, who is still attached to The Machine)
Plato: You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no cat in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. (he takes the control of The Machine, and puts it to the highest setting)
Cassandra: Not to 9!!!!
Munkstrap: (assorted groans, screams, and wails)
(Scene change: We're watching a couple Toms travel down a village road)
Mistoffelees: Tugger! Tugger! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Cassandra slaughtered my father. The masked Tom makes it now.
Tugger: The masked Tom?
Mistoffelees: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? (they start moving through a crowd, but Mistoffelees is having trouble getting anywhere) Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Tugger, please.
Tugger: (stands up straight) Everybody MOVE!!!
(the large crowd parts)
Mistoffelees: Thank you.
(Scene: we're outside the entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped Alonzo, who is pushing a wheelbarrow)
Mistoffelees: Where is the masked Tom? (Alonzo shakes his head and keeps moving) It's coming from this grove, yes? (Alonzo shrugged) Tugger, jog his memory.
Tugger: (bonks Alonzo and leaves him out cold) I'm sorry, Mistoffelees. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Mistoffelees?
Mistoffelees: (draws his sword) Father, I have failed you for years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a cat who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword. (he stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword hits a tree. He leans against it, pressing the hidden knot)
(Now we move to inside the Pit of Despair. The two are looking down at Munkustrap who is lying very still)
Tugger: He's dead.
Mistoffelees: (hits the table very hard) It's just not fair.
(Scene: Pouncival's bedroom)
Pouncival: (sounding very worried) Grandpa, grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Tugger mean "He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Munkustrap's only faking, right?
Gus: You want me to read this or not?
Pouncival: Who gets Plato?
Gus: I don't understand.
Pouncival: Who kills Prince Plato? At the end. Somebody's got to do it. Is it Mistoffelees?
Gus: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Pouncival: You mean he wins? By the Goddess, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?
Gus: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.
Pouncival: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
Gus: Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh, yes. In the Pit of Despair.
(back to the Pit of Despair)
Mistoffelees: Well, my family has never taken defeat easily. Come along, Tugger. Bring the body.
Tugger: The body?
Mistoffelees: Have you any money?
Tugger: I have a little.
Mistoffelees: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
(Scene: outside a thatched hut. Mistoffelees knocks on the door and a striped face appears)
Mungojerrie: Go away. Wot, wot?
Mistoffelees: Are you the Mungojerrie who worked miracles for the King all those years?
Mungojerrie: The King's stinkin' son fired me. And thank ye so much for bringin' up such a painful subject. While ye're at it, why don' ye give me a nice paper cut an' pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. (slams door shut. Misoffelees knocked again and he opens it) Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!
Tugger: I'm on the brute squad.
Mungojerrie: Ye are the brute squad.
Mistoffelees: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Mungojerrie: Look, I'm retired. An' besides, why would ye wan' someone the King's stinkin' son fired? I might kill whoever ye wanted me to miracle.
Mistoffelees: He's already dead.
Mungojerrie: 'e is, 'uh? I'll tike a look. Brin' 'im in. (They enter. Munkustrap is laid on the table and Mungojerrie examines him) I've seen worse.
Mistoffelees: Sir...sir??
Mungojerrie: 'uh?
Mistoffelees: We're in a terrible rush.
Mungojerrie: Don' rush me, sonny. Ye rush a miracle cat, ye get rotten miracles. Ye got money?
Mistoffelees: Sixty-five.
Mungojerrie: Sheesh! I never worked fer so little. Except once, an' thot was a ver' noble cause.
Mistoffelees: This is noble sir. His mate is... crippled. The kittens are on the brink of starvation.
Mungojerrie: Are ye a rotten liar!
Mistoffelees: I need him to help avenge my father, who was murdered.
Mungojerrie: Yer firs' story was better. Where's tha' bellows at? 'e probably owes ye money, 'uh? Well, I'll ask 'im.
Mistoffelees: He's dead. He can't talk.
Mungojerrie: 'oo 'oo 'oo! Look woo knows so much, 'eh? Well, it jus' so 'appens that yer friend 'ere is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead an' all dead. Please, open 'is mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thin' ye can do.
Mistoffelees: What's that?
Mungojerrie: Go through 'is clothes and look fer loose change. (puts the bellows to Munkustrap's mouth, and blows air in) (yells in the tabby's ear) 'ey! 'ello in there! 'ey! Wha's so important? Wha' ye got 'ere tha's worth livin' fer?
Munkustrap: (so faint you can hardly hear him) True love.
Mistoffelees: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Mungojerrie: Yeah, True Love is the greatest thin' in the world, except for a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce an' tomato sandwich, whe' the mutton is nice an' lean, an' the tomato is ripe. (licks lips) They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what 'e said- 'e distinctly sayed "To blave" an' as we all know, to blave means to bluff, 'eh? So ye were probably playin' cards, an' 'e cheated-
(a Queen who could have been his double storms into the room)
Rumpleteazer: (accusingly) Liar! Liar! Liar!
Mungojerrie: Get back, witch!
Rumpleteazer: I'm no' a witch, I'm yer mate, bu' after wha' ye just sayed, I'm no' even sure I wan' te be thot anymore.
Mungojerrie: You nevah 'ad it so good.
Rumpleteazer: True Love, 'e sayed "True Love", Jerrie.
Mungojerrie: No' another werd, Teaz.
Rumpleteazer: 'e's afeared. Evah since Prince Plato fired 'im, 'is confidence is shattered.
Mungojerrie: Why'd ye say tha' name? Ye promised me tha' ye would never say that name!
Rumpleteazer: Whot, Plato?
Mungojerrie: Aaaigh!
Rumpleteazer: (chases him around room) Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato!
Mungojerrie: (plugs ears) I'm no' listenin'.
Rumpleteazer: Yer life's expirin', an' ye don' 'ave the decency te say why ye won' 'elp.
Mungojerrie: Nobody's 'earin' nothin'!
Rumpleteazer: Plato! Plato! Plato! Plato!
Mistoffelees: This is Demeter's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Plato's wedding.
Mungojerrie: Enough! Wai', wai'. (Rumpleteazer stops chasing him) I make 'im better, Plato suffers?
Mistoffelees: Humiliations galore.
Mungojerrie: 'a 'a 'a! Tha' is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job.
Rumpleteazer: Whoo-joo!
(Skip through time to Rumpleteazer coating a pill with catnip)
Mistoffelees: That a miracle pill?
Rumpleteazer: The catnip coatin' makes it go dow' easier, but ye have te wai' fifteen minutes fer full potency, and 'e shouldn' go in swimmin' after fer at least-
Mungojerrie: An 'our-
Rumpleteazer: Yeah, an 'our-
Mungojerrie: A good 'our.
Mistoffelees: Thank you for everything.
Mungojerrie: Okay.
Rumpleteazer: Bye-bye, boys!
Mungojerrie: 'ave fun stormin' the castle!
Rumpleteazer: Think it'll werk?
Mungojerrie: I' would tike a miracle.
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: Bye-bye!!
(Scene: atop a battlement overlooking the gate to the castle)
Tugger: Mistoffelees, there's more than thirty!
Mistoffelees: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Tugger: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Mistoffelees: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. (Tugger does so)
Tugger: How long do we have to wait, before if we know the miracle works?
Mistoffelees: Your guess is as good as mine.
Munkustrap: (opening eyes)I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together!
Tugger: I guess not very long.
Munkustrap: Why won't my arms move?
Tugger: You've been mostly dead all day.
Mistoffelees: We had Mungojerrie, the miracle maker, make a pill to bring you back.
Munkustrap: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Demeter?
Mistoffelees: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Demeter is marry Plato in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Cassandra.
Munkustrap: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
Tugger: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Munkustrap: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Mistoffelees: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... (glances at gate) sixty Toms.
Munkustrap: And our assets?
Mistoffelees: Your brains, Tugger's strength, and my sword.
Munkustrap: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this... (shakes head)
Tugger: You just shook your head! Doesn't that make you happy?
Munkustrap: (glared at him) My brains, your strength, and his sword against sixty Toms, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Mistoffelees: Where did we put that wheelbarrow Alonzo had?
Tugger: With the Albino, I think.
Munkustrap: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Mistoffelees: There we cannot help you.
Tugger: Would this do? (pulls out a long, black cloak)
Mistoffelees: Where did you get that?
Tugger: At Mungojerrie's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Munkustrap: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. (they do so) Now I'll need a sword eventually.
Mistoffelees: Why? You can't even lift one.
Munkustrap: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Mistoffelees: I'll say. Namely, how do I find Cassandra? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Tugger: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
Mistoffelees: Right. Right. Sorry.
Tugger: Mistoffelees?
Mistoffelees: What?
Tugger: I hope we win.
(Scene: In the castle)
Plato: You don't seem excited, my little muffet.
Demeter: Should I be?
Plato: Brides often are, I'm told.
Demeter: I do not marry tonight. My Munkustrap will save me.
(Scene: the chapel)
Preacher: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
A Tom's voice: (distant) Stand your ground, Toms, stand your ground!
(scene changes to outside the castle gate. The Tom yelling is standing there in front of sixty toms) Stand your ground!
(they are staring at a mosteriouly huge cat draped in a black cloth and rolling forward on a wheelbarrow. Tugger's face can be seen peeking out of the hood)
Tugger: I am the Dread Pirate Macavity! There will be no survivors!
(we swing around to behind him, where Munkustrap and Mistoffelees are pushing the wheelbarrow. Well Mistoffelees is, Munkustrap can't move in arms yet)
Mistoffelees: Now? (he is holding a torch)
Munkustrap: Not yet.
Tugger: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.
Mistoffelees: Now?
Munkustrap: Light him.
Tugger: (on flames) The Dread Pirate Macavity takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
(in the chapel)
Preacher: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah--
(outside)
Tugger: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!
The lead soldier: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!
(in the chapel)
Preacher: So tweasuwe youw wove, --
Plato: Skip to the end.
Preacher: Have you the wing?
Demeter: (glaring at Plato) Here comes my Munkustrap now.
(outside)
Munkustrap: Tugger, the portcullis!
(in the chapel)
Plato: Your Munkustrap is dead. I killed him myself.
Demeter: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
(outside)
Munkustrap: (to the only guard left) Give us the gate key.
Ademetus: I have no gate key.
Mistoffelees: Tugger, tear his arms off.
Ademetus: Oh, you mean THIS gate key.
(in the chapel)
Preacher: And do you, Pwincess Demetew-
Plato: Tom and mate! Say Tom and mate!!
Preacher: Tom and mate.
Plato: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Demeter: He didn't come. (starts crying as she is lead away)
(a castle corridor. Cassandra is standing with a group of soldiers staring at the three heros)
Cassandra: Kill that one and that one, but leave the short one for questioning.
(the soldiers advance on Tugger and Munkustrap)
Mistoffelees: (facing Cassandra) Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (Cassandra runs away behind a locked door) Tugger!!!!!! I need you!!!!!
Tugger: I can't leave him alone.
Mistoffelees: She's getting away from me, Tugger!!! Please!!! (tries to open door) Arr!!! Tugger!!! Aaargh!!
Tugger: I'll be right back.
Mistoffelees: Arr! Arrgh! (Tugger breaks the door down) Thank you. (runs in it)
(a different corridor)
Old Deuteronomy, the King: Strange wedding.
Grizabella, the Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along
Old Deuteronomy: (Demeter kisses him) What was that for?
Demeter: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
Old Deuteronomy: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! (laughs) (they continue to the honeymoon suite)
(a castle stairway to the cellar dining room)
Mistoffelees: (unable to catch Cassandra) Sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
Cassandra: You must be that little brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.
(the honeymoon suite, where Demeter is about to plung a dagger into her chest. Munkustrap is lying behind her on the bed)
Munkustrap: There's a shortage of perfect fur in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.
Demeter: (turning around) Munkustrap! Oh, Munkustrap darling! Munkustrap, why won't you hold me?
Munkustrap: (wincing in pain as she hugs him) Gently.
Demeter: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?
Munkustrap: Gently! (hits head) Urr!
(downstairs in the dining room. Cassandra and Mistoffelees are dueling it out)
Cassandra: Good heaviside. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.
Mistoffelees: (glaring) Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (falls into table as she stabs him) Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (keeps walking towards her) Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Cassandra: Stop saying that!
Mistoffelees: Hello. My name is Mr. Mistoffelees. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Cassandra: (screams) No!
Mistoffelees: Offer me money!
Cassandra: (nodding eagerly) Yes!
Mistoffelees: Power, too. Promise me that!
Cassandra: All that I have and more! Please!
Mistoffelees: Offer me everything I ask for!
Cassandra: Anything you want. (kneels at his feet)
Mistoffelees: I want my father back, you bitch. (kills her)
(the honeymoon suite)
Demeter: Oh, Munkustrap, will you ever forgive me?
Munkustrap: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Demeter: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Munkustrap: Never happened.
Demeter: (looks shocked) What?
Munkustrap: Never happened.
Demeter: But it did. I was there. This old cat said "Tom and mate".
Munkustrap: Did you say "I do"?
Demeter: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Munkustrap: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness? (looks behind Demeter at the door)
Plato: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.
Munkustrap: No! To the pain.
Plato: (pauses) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Munkustrap: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Plato: That may be the first time in my life a cat has dared insult me.
Munkustrap: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your paws. Then your tail, next your nose.
Plato: (sounding bored) And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Munkustrap: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.
Plato: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
Munkustrap: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every kitten at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every Queen who cries out "Dear Goddess, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery for ever.
Plato: (glares at him) I think you're bluffing.
Munkustrap: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. (there is a tense moment as he slowly stands) Drop... your... sword. (Plato drops it as Mistoffelees pokes him in the back with his) Have a seat. Tie him up. (Mistoffelees and Demeter shove Plato into a chair and quickly tie him up) Make it as tight as you like.
Plato: (Demeter gets a little back by making the bonds quite tight) Urr!
Mistoffelees: Where's Tugger?
Munkustrap: I thought he was with you.
Mistoffelees: No.
Munkustrap: In that case, whooooa! (falls over backwards as his legs give out)
Mistoffelees: Help him.
Demeter: Why does Munkustrap need helping?
Mistoffelees: Because he has no strength.
Plato: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.
Mistoffelees: (glowers at Plato) Shall I dispatch him for you?
Munkustrap: (being propped up by Mistoffelees and Demeter) Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Tugger: (we can hear him yelling from outside) Mistoffelees! Mistoffelees! Where are you? (the tux leans out the window) Oh, there you are. Mistoffelees, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. (Demeter and Munkustrap appear at the window) Hello, lady! So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Mistoffelees: (smiling proudly) Tugger, you did something right.
Tugger: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
(Demeter leaps out the window into Tugger's arms)
Mistoffelees: (turns to Munkustrap) You know, It's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Munkustrap: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Macavity. (they smile at one another and leaped to the ground)
(Scene change: back to Pouncival's bedroom)
Gus: "They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Munkustrap and Demeter knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other-"
Pouncival: What? What?
Gus: Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that.
Pouncival: (shrugs) Well, I don't mind so much.
Gus: Okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. (we see the two kissing) The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Pouncival: Okay. (snuggles under his blanket)
Gus: All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long. (gets up and heads out)
Pouncival: Grandpa? (pauses and Gus turns around) Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Gus: (smiling) As you wish.
The End
