Part Three
Willow wasn’t at home, Buffy discovered when she left her bedroom that morning. She showered and dressed quickly, in her usual slay-ready clothing with its own hip flair. Within fifteen minutes she was at the Magic Box, the shop that Giles owned and that Anya still helped run. Upon entering the cozy store she noted a few customers milling around, but more importantly, that Xander was casually leaning against the checkout counter talking to his wife. Giles was upstairs, on the balcony level, putting some books away.
Xander looked up at his approaching friend, “Buffy! Hey! Doughnut? We picked up some cream-filled goodies for your eating pleasure.”
Anya rolled her eyes. “Xander was hungry. We were up late,” she said, smiling knowingly.
It was Xander’s turn to roll his eyes. “An….again, as I’ve said so many countless, countless times over the years…not everyone needs to know when we have sex.”
Anya stared at him blankly. “You were up at 3 am feeding Erin, then I got up at 4:30 to do it again."
Xander froze stupidly, then quickly changed the subject. “Oh. Yeah. So! Buffy! What brings you here so early on a Wednesday morning?”
“Angelus.”
The eyes of her long-time friends flew open. “Excuse me?” Xander said, incredulously, cupping a hand behind one ear.
“Did you say Angelus?”
His voice carried throughout the store and from upstairs the sounds of several books being dropped was heard. Giles quickly appeared at the stairs leading back to the main level. “I’m sorry…quite clumsy…Buffy, did you say Angelus?”
She stared at him dead-on, “I did.”
Giles took the stairs two at a time and reached the counter in seconds. “Angel’s turned?”
Buffy wearily sank into a chair. “Not yet, I don’t think. I had a dream. I was patrolling, like usual, and thought I heard something in a cemetery. I couldn’t find anything so I left,” she said, omitting the parts about Angel and Riley and his departure. “On my way home I was attacked by a vamp.”
“Angel?” Xander asked gruffly. Over the years Xander had lost most of the aggravation he had once felt for the vampire-love of his best friend, but the mere mention of Angelus could still ruffle his feathers.
“No, I didn’t know him. He attacked and as I was about to stake him he said ‘Angelus wants to see you,’ or something like that. I asked him to repeat it and he did….he said Angelus.”
“Did you stake him?” Anya asked, brightly. Despite being human for more than eight years, and roaming the earth for centuries before that, Anya had never lost her directness.
All three turned to stare at her. “Not the point, but, yes, I did,” Buffy said finally.
Giles cleared his throat, looking more relaxed now. “Buffy, that doesn’t mean Angel has changed….not all your dreams are prophetic. I mean, the last one you even had was, what? Two years ago? The Cralha demons if I recall.”
Buffy turned to face her Watcher. “I probably would have agreed with you if I hadn’t called Cordelia to check. She had a vision early this morning, and in it, Angel turned. Right in front of me. He was Angel and then he…wasn’t. Just like that.”
“But it doesn’t just happen like that!” Xander cried. “What about that perfect-happiness stuff?” Realization dawned. “Heeeey….has Angel been getting some action?”
Buffy stared at her hands, willing herself not to think it. “Cordy says no, but I guess it’s possible. I mean, to go so long without…”
“Buffy, Angel knows the risks. He wouldn’t intentionally put himself, or the rest of the world, in danger. What else happened in her vision?” Giles said, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Buffy put her elbows on the table and rested her head between her hands, gazing, but not seeing, at the wood pattern on the tabletop. “She said we were all here, in Sunnydale, you guys were in a circle around me and Angel. He and I were talking and then he said, ‘He’s coming, I can’t…’ and that was it. He changed and reached for me. I backed up, but not out of the circle. He grabbed me and I froze. That’s it. No more.”
The four friends sat in silence, taking in the Slayer’s story. “Pardon me for focusing on the details here, but you said you didn’t go out of the circle?” Giles asked, removing his glasses thoughtfully.
Buffy nodded, not lifting her head. “Cordy said you didn’t try to stop me from leaving, but…it was like I couldn’t get out. She thinks we were performing a spell.”
Giles nodded. “It certainly sounds that way, but I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with this kind of magic if it is. Where’s Willow?”
Buffy lifted her head and Giles noticed her eyes were tired. “I don’t know. She wasn’t home when I woke up and I came straight here.”
Xander raised his hand, “Uh, guys…funny concept some of us have. She’s at work. You know, her job?”
“Xander’s not at work ‘cause he does construction. It’s raining. So, no construction,” Anya chimed in, helpfully.
Buffy smiled despite her worry. “Oh, yeah. People with real jobs.”
“Hey! No talk like that. Teaching self-defense is a real job,” Xander told Buffy. After college Buffy had decided that she wasn’t cut out for a 9-5 job, and taught self-defense courses through Sunnydale University, toned down, of course, for people without Slayer-strength. The courses allowed her to keep up her house, along with Willow chipping in, and the hours were Slayer-friendly. The extra training didn’t hurt, either.
“I’ll call her, see if she can join us soon,” Giles said and went to find the phone. “Anya, perhaps you could help that customer over there toying with a Palminian amulet?”
“Stupid witch-wannabes,” she grumbled and went off to stop the hapless customer from causing any harm by improperly handling the merchandise.
Xander and Buffy stayed where they were. “So…” Xander started. “What does this mean?”
Buffy sighed. “I wish I knew,” she said, turning to look into his brown eyes. “Cordy said she and Wesley and Gunn
were going to tell Angel about the vision and my dream and try to talk him into coming here. She didn’t have any better an idea of what this is all about than we do. I hope they convince him to come.”
Xander took her hand. “We’re here. I’m sure they’ll talk him into it. Angel knows better than anyone what Angelus can and will do. He doesn’t want that to happen.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “It’s just….the dream was so….it shook me. Bad. I woke up emotions I haven’t thought about in a long time. I’ve been doing good, you know? Moving on with my life, getting over mom and Dawn, Tara…I’ve got a job, I’ve been dating…”
Xander raised his eyebrows. “Dating? Since when?”
“I date! There was Carter, and Seth….”
“Seth was a year ago. And Carter was almost two years ago, Buff. Not exactly on the dating super-highway. Not even the dating outer-road.”
She sighed again, “I know…I know. But it’s hard to find guys when I can’t tell them my secret. It’s always been hard. The only two in my entire Slayer-tenure that have known were Angel and Riley. And look how that ended.”
Xander looked at his friend. “And I think you know that if Angel was human, you’d still be with him. We all know that,” he said softly. “But, he’s not. Not for lack of trying, but, he’s not. And Riley…well. I liked Riley. He was a great guy. I can’t say I approved of him taking off, but I understood why he did it. Me, I would have fought harder for you.”
She smiled gently at him. “Thank you.”
“But, Buffy, Carter never found out. Seth didn’t, Noel, Trevor…”
“Ok, ok….before you go through the entire litany of failed Buffy relationships…I get the point.”
“Do you?” Xander said, keeping his voice low but sincere. “Look around you. Besides Giles, you made two friends the instant you came to Sunnydale. Me and Willow. The two who knew, and we stayed. Slowly the group grew to include Cordy, Angel, Riley, Anya….Tara…and they all knew. And they stayed, or left years later with their own reasons. The ones who didn’t know, the ones you kept in the dark, they left, or you left them for one reason or another. Secrets aren’t the answer.”
Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. “When did this become a heart-to-heart on my dating trends?”
Xander chuckled. “I don’t know. But, think about it,” he said as Giles returned to the table.
“I will,” she said, softly and squeezed his hand once again, grateful for her friends for the umpteenth time in her life.
Turning to Giles she said, “So…did she know anything?”
Giles sat down. “She had a few ideas, some things she had read but never studied much on. She says the clinic is slow and they have some students working there today, so she’s going to try and leave soon. Obviously, she’s concerned for
you, for all of us.”
Buffy nodded. “Good. Cordy said they’d call when they left LA.”
“Yes, actually, she called while I was on the other line with Willow. They left about an hour ago. They should be here this afternoon….Angel is fine, Buffy,” he reassured the girl who he had long ago come to think of as his daughter.
She smiled, sheepishly. “I know. I’ll just feel better when we know what’s going on here.”
“What do we do in the meantime?” Xander asked.
“Well,” Giles said, taking a seat, “I suppose we go on with our lives until they arrive.”
“What lives?” Anya asked, coming up behind them. The customer she had been helping, as happened so frequently, had left the store quickly after Anya had offered her help.
“I think he means that we stay here and research, as per usual,” Xander answered his wife.
“Yes, precisely. I’ve got some texts that Willow and I agreed might be the first place to look. Buffy, would you help me get them down?” Giles asked, rising from his chair.
She nodded and followed him upstairs to the books that were off limits to customers but were more for Giles personal collection. When they reached the top Giles directed her to look for a few specific titles.
“Buffy,” he said, his voice low to prevent anyone from over-hearing, “I know this must be quite a shock. Are you all right?”
Buffy picked up a book. “I’m fine,” she answered.
Giles looked at her sideways. “It’s okay to be thrown. Angel has been fine for years, fighting his fights in Los Angeles.
We had no warning that anything might cause him to change again. What’s important is that we know it’s going to happen and we can do what we can to prevent it.”
“Giles, it’s going to happen. Cordy’s visions are never wrong. They’re never stoppable. You know that.”
Giles stopped his search through the dusty books. “I know. You’re right,” he said resolutely. “But you must try to stayed focused here. I know Angel means a lot to you…”
“Why is that all people can talk about? ‘Angel means a lot to you,’ ‘If Angel was human you two would still be together….’ That’s ancient history, Giles. Yes, Angel means a lot to me, and I don’t want him to change, but I’m focused here. I’m worried about what he’ll do when he changes, who he’ll hurt. But I’m more worried about the why of it. Why now? What triggered it? And why are we all involved? That’s what I’m thinking of,” she said, lying to herself, but thinking she sounded pretty convincing.
Giles looked surprised. “Yes, of course you are. I’m sorry if I doubted you, or crossed the line,” he said, quickly returning to his search for the texts.
Buffy stared at the book in her hand. After a moment she looked up, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I snapped. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. All these bad things happened years ago, and Angel and I happened even before that, but something woke up in me this morning. That dream…”
Giles turned to her, his eyes full of sympathy. “Buffy, did you dream of anything else?”
Her eyes remained glued to the floor. She shook her head. “No, that was it,” she lied.
Giles watched her carefully, a trace of doubt in his eyes, and then turned back to the stacks. “Well, I can tell you that a dream that powerful is bound to shake you up, and forgive me for saying so, but your feelings for Angel, platonic or not, are certainly reasonable. You’re worried. Angelus turned when….well, years ago, when you were a girl, a high school student. And it was horrible, but you defeated him. And somehow he was returned to this world, from the chambers of Hell, with a mission to do good. And don’t forget, Angelus has popped in now and again, but only for moments. Perhaps this is one of those moments.”
Buffy looked at him doubtfully but returned to book gathering. “I guess you’re right.”
They collected the rest of the books in silence and returned to the table where Anya and Xander sat. Each grabbed a book and began turning pages, scanning quickly for anything that might mention the legendary vampire, Angel. After so many years, doing the exactly same thing, researching came easily to their group. Over time they had learned what to ignore and what to mention. It was a huge relief to Giles who was no longer bothered with nearly as many false leads or silly questions.
An hour passed, then two. Customers came in, browsed and purchased and left again. In the middle of a slight rush, in which Giles, Anya and even Xander were required to help customers, Willow entered the store and made a beeline for Buffy.
“Hi,” she said, simply, setting down her bag. “What’s going on?”
Buffy indicated the books and notes scattered about. “Guess,” she said.
“Are you okay?” the redhead asked her best friend.
Buffy nodded, “Yeah. Tired. Thanks for leaving work.”
“No problem. You know I’d rather be here. So…tell me what’s going on? I got the basics from Giles, but I want the Buffy-version.”
Buffy rubbed her eyes. “Well….” she said, and recounted the story, once again omitting the parts about Riley and Angel. I’ll tell you later, Will, I promise. I need to talk to someone about this.
“Wow,” Willow said when Buffy had finished. “Don’t you just love living on a Hellmouth? Never a dull moment.”
Buffy smiled weakly at Willow’s attempt to cheer her up. “Tell me about it.”
“So, what are we going to do? I mean, besides research.”
“Well, Angel and Cordy and the rest should be in from LA any minute now. They left hours ago. I guess we’ll take it from there.”
“Speaking of…” Willow said as movement from the back of the store caught her eye. Buffy turned to see Angel standing in the doorway that led to her training room.
“Hi,” he said.
“H-hi,” Buffy answered. “You came. I wasn’t sure you would.”
“Hey Angel,” Willow said cheerily. “Why’d you come in through the back?”
“Sun…too much of it out front. The sewer leads to the alley behind the store, so I took that.”
Willow nodded, “Oh, yeah. Sorry. It’s been awhile since we’ve gone through this. Guess it stopped raining.”
“Where’s everyone else?” Buffy asked, wondering why she was as uncomfortable as she was.
“Parking the car. They…” he was cut off as the door to the shop swung open and Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn made their entrance. They headed to the back of the store, bypassing Giles and Anya at the counter, still busy with customers.
“Hey Buffy, Willow,” Cordy said as she approached the table.
“Hey guys,” Buffy replied.
Hellos were said and Cordy, Wesley and Gunn all took seats at the table. Angel continued to linger at the back of the store. Xander joined the group and sat down. “So…what’s the what?” he asked, directing his question to Wesley.
“Good question. We had some time to talk about it on the way down here, and I can see you’ve been researching.
Willow, have you ever come across something like this?” Wesley asked.
Willow shook her head. “Well, there isn’t too much about Angel in Wicca-lore, sorry,” she said, throwing the vampire an apologetic glance, “but I’ve scanned some spells that might give us some clues. Plus, I just got here, so I haven’t really been in research-mode yet.”
Giles finished with his customer and returned to the research table. “Sorry…hello everyone. Any news?”
Gunn shook his head, “Nope…we were hoping you guys would have this whole thing solved by the time we got here. Of course, we would have been here a bit faster if they’d let me drive.”
Cordy rolled her eyes. “We are not getting into this again.”
“I can’t help it if Wesley drives like Ms. Daisy!” Gunn cried, throwing an amused glance at their audience. Nothing made him happier than razing his wife. And Cordy rose to the occasion every time.
“At least he gets us here alive!” she retorted.
Buffy stood up. “Guys!” she said, raising her voice. Cordy and Gunn settled down. “I’m sorry we don’t have time for
pleasantries. What do you know?”
Angel moved up next to her. “We don’t know much,” he said, taking in her still-familiar scent. “We came up with a few theories, but nothing concrete. I don't know what her vision is about, why I change. I haven’t….done anything.” His eyes shifted the ground uncomfortably.
Buffy hugged her arms to her sides, avoiding his gaze, but knowing the second his eyes landed on her, seeking hers.
“What theories?” she asked.
Wesley cut in. “A few interesting ones, if I dare say. Before coming here we went to see the Host, Lorne. He told us that we had to return to Sunnydale, back to the beginning, your beginning, Buffy, specifically.”
Buffy looked up, confused. “My beginning? What does that mean? I didn’t…begin here. I mean, I was born in LA.”
“Yes, we know, we thought of that, then I thought perhaps it referred to when you were first called, though Angel told
us that that had happened in LA, too,” Wesley continued.
Buffy caught Angel’s eyes, remembering the day he told her that he had seen her called. You held your heart in front of you, for everyone to see… and I loved you.
“So, what beginning?” Willow asked, cutting into the memory that both Buffy and Angel were caught up in.
“We’re still not sure,” Gunn said, putting his feet up on the table, then quickly removing them at Giles’ glare. “I think it has something to do with you and Angel…you know, how you met here for the first time. How your…relationship began here.”
The room began to buzz with tension as Buffy and Angel shifted uncomfortably. “But that was unfairly shot down,” Gunn added.
“There’s more,” Wesley jumped back in. “The Host said that the four needed to join the six. Eight to form, two to fight. There are four of us,” he said, indicating Cordelia, himself, Gunn and Angel. There are, so far, five of you. That’s nine. The circle was probably made of eight people and the two, Angel and Buffy, are in the middle.”
“Great, so who’s the mystery guest?” Xander inquired.
“We don’t know. Got any more friends?” Cordy asked.
“Five…myself, Buffy, Willow, Xander, Anya….Olivia?” Giles though outloud.
“Or Spike?” Buffy asked thoughtfully.
“I thought of them, but it doesn’t feel right. I didn’t really see everyone in my vision, I…felt them, sensed their presence. I sensed everyone in this room, well, except for those customers playing with that statue over there,” Cordy answered, frustrated that her vision couldn’t provide more details.
“Oh, dear,” Giles said and shot a pointed look at Anya, who quickly got up once again to ask the customer not to handle the merchandise.
“There was something….dark about this person…not Angel dark, but not….human? Maybe?” Cordelia continued. “I don’t know, guys, I’m sorry. The thing is, this person is familiar. We know them.”
“Something’s not right. Why would Cordelia be able to see all of us, or sense us at least, but not this person?” Angel asked, pacing the floor of the shop.
“Well, that at least tells us one thing,” Giles said. “Angel won’t turn until we know who the sixth person is. The group won’t be complete until we know, that gives us more time for research.”
“True,” Wesley said, “I hadn’t thought of that.”
Cordy sat in her chair, fingers pressed to her temples straining to see the vision in her mind. The clearest vision I’ve ever had and I can’t even see one of the most important details. “There’s Willow, me, Giles, Gunn, Anya, Wesley, Xander…and…Buffy and Angel in the middle…and a big black hole where the eighth person should be!!” she shouted, completely frustrated.
Gunn rubbed her shoulders. “Cordy, come on. Stop for a while. You did this the entire way down here. If we’re supposed to know early on, we’ll find out.”
“How can you know that? What if we’re wrong? What if we don’t need the eight person for Angel to turn? What if Angel turns and the way to change him back this time involves this spell? If we don’t have enough people we can’t do it!” she cried, slumping into the chair.
The others shared a horrified look. “But, why would changing him back involve this spell? What about re-cursing him?” Buffy asked, her voice straining desperately. Angel caught her eyes and held them, questioning the emotion in them.
“Yeah!” Willow said suddenly. “I brought the curse with me…I mean, it’s in my lap-top, and I brought an Orb of Thessula just in case. All ready to re-curse,” she said, her eyes huge and round.
Giles took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “We don’t know yet. One would think it would be that simple, but remember that Cordelia’s vision involved Angel standing in front of us, then reverting into Angelus within an instant, with no provocation. He says he hasn’t, well, known happiness, and I trust you on that, Angel.”
“…we wouldn’t still be sitting here if he was really Angelus,” Xander muttered and was shushed by a smack upside the head as Anya returned and stood behind him.
Buffy glared at Xander. “So we’re dealing with something else completely. Cordy,” she said, turning to the brunette,
“You said that Angel and I were talking, very emotionally, and then Angel said something about, ‘He’s coming…I can’t…’ Who’s coming? What can’t Angel do?”
“I don’t know!” Cordelia cried. “Look, I’m just the vision-girl. I don’t understand them all the time, you know that. I realize that this vision is more important to us than all the rest, but you can’t expect me to just go all Kenny Kingston on you guys and have all the answers!”
Wesley stood up. “Ok, that’s enough for now, all right? We’re tired and tense. I suggest we rest up, eat something, and regroup later on.”
Everyone nodded, some reluctantly. Cordy and Gunn stood up. “Buffy, can I take her back to your place?” he asked.
She nodded and through him her house key. “You guys know how to get there. Make yourselves comfortable. I want to hang around here for a while.” Gunn nodded and walked Cordelia to the door. Xander and Anya followed them and the four walked out into the streets of Sunnydale, now glowing with the waning light of sunset.
Giles, Buffy, Willow, Wesley, and now Angel, sat at the table. The Watcher and ex-Watcher sighed at the same time.
“Always exciting to be back on the Hellmouth,” Wesley said ruefully, eliciting a small smile from Willow.
“I was just saying the same thing before you guys got here,” she told him.
“We can stop talking about this for right now, but I want to say one more thing,” Angel said. “I think it’s obvious that what I say to Buffy in the vision, the part about ‘He’s coming,’ I’m sure I’m referring to Angelus. That I’m sensing I’m about to change, he’s about to come through.”
Giles nodded, thoughtfully. “Well, it does make the most sense. I remember Wesley telling me once about a Shroud you went after that made you revert to Angelus under its power. Could you feel when Angelus was about to come forth?"
Angel caught Buffy’s eyes once again and nodded. “It’s like having two personalities inside you, both fighting each other. For a moment one would win and I’d be me, Angel, and the next Angel would get pushed down and Angelus would come forth. It was exhausting.”
The group sat in silence for a while, thinking it over. Buffy stood up and walked to the front of the store, staring out of the windows into the almost dark Sunnydale streets. Her head was spinning. Moments later she turned back to her friends. “I don’t mean to bail, but I need to get out of here for a while. I’m going to go for a walk. Clear my head,” she said, pulling on her leather jacket.
Angel watched her prepare to leave, noting her leather jacket and wondering if she still had his jacket that he had placed on her shoulders so many years before.
“Do you want some company?” Willow asked.
Buffy smiled at her but shook her head. “No, but thanks. Got some thoughts I need to get untangled.” Willow nodded and settled back in her chair.
Part Four
Buffy turned and walked out of the shop, welcoming the cool breeze of the evening. The shop had turned stuffy on her hours before and the heat that came over her just from being in Angel’s presence was almost stifling. She walked down the street, always prepared for an attack, but pretty much lost in her own thoughts at the moment.
I’ve got to get a hold of myself, she thought. This is ridiculous. You haven’t even seen Angel in over a year now. Your relationship has been over for a lot longer than that. One dream and you’re back to being a cream puff wherever he’s concerned, she chastised herself. What really bothered her was that these emotions had sprung up again overnight. The mention of Angel becoming Angelus had not only spun her head, but had brought on unrelated feelings…love, regret, desire, and worst of all, hope. Hope was the biggest enemy to their relationship. In recent years, while never forgetting what she had shared with Angel and had tried to find with Riley, she had really moved on. She hadn’t found love again, but she had found brief companionship. But none of it was ever real.
Yesterday, I was fine, she thought. Today, I’m a lovesick disaster. I won’t lie to myself, I’ve always been in love with Angel. I still daydream occasionally that he’ll become human. But I haven’t been a lovelorn puppy in years.
Years ago, after Willow had moved into Buffy’s house, the girls had stayed up late one night watching movies and eating popcorn, along with drinking a few glasses of wine. Willow had gotten up the courage to ask Buffy the question she had always wanted to know but hadn’t had the heart, or the nerve, to ask.
“Buffy,” a slightly red-cheeked Willow said, “Do you ever think you and Angel will get back together?”
Buffy’s hand, grasping too much popcorn, stopped midway to her mouth. But she wasn’t offended. She wasn’t uncomfortable. She was relieved. Finally, she could talk about it. “I don’t know, Will,” she said. “I hope so.”
Willow sat back on the couch, not figuring that this was the time for 20 questions, and let the Slayer talk.
“I have this dream sometimes,” she said, her eyes drifting into some faraway memory, “that I’m standing on a pier, looking out at the ocean, the sun is so warm I can almost feel it in my dreams. And...I sense him. He’s near. When I turn around, he’s walking towards me, purposefully, and without any words he kisses me. And it’s the most passionate kiss we ever shared. No explanations, no nothing. I don’t know how he’s able to be in the sun, I don’t know where he’s come from, I don’t know where it goes from there. But I know that I wake up from that dream feeling very loved, and very sad…I hate waking up from that dream.”
Tears had sprung to Willow’s eyes as she listened to her friend. “It ends the same every time?”
Buffy nodded. “He kisses me, and then…that’s it. I’ve had it once a year every year, for a very long time…maybe five or six years now.”
“Just once a year? Maybe that means something. I could look up dreams in some of my books,” Willow offered.
“Just once a year, that I can remember. Oddly, always right around Thanksgiving.”
Buffy poured Willow some more wine, then topped off her glass. “It’s my dream, that Angel and I will be together. But I don’t see how we can be. He’s in LA, I’m here. He’s a vampire, I’m human, not to mention the Slayer.”
“Which I think is in the plus column,” Willow added.
“But it just never works for us. We can’t have a physical relationship, we can’t even have a daytime relationship that doesn’t involve heavy curtains and SPF 5000.”
“Do you really think that?” Willow asked, knowingly.
Buffy looked at her best friend, who knew her perhaps better than Buffy knew herself, and smiled. “No, I’ve never truly believed that.”
Maybe that’s my problem, she realized, bringing herself back to the present. I’ve never believed that Angel and I wouldn’t end up together. And now he’s going to become Angelus…I can’t kill him again. Killing Angel, so many years ago, was possibly the hardest thing she had ever done. The memory of that night assaulted her.
The battle had been great. Spike had snuck out with an unconscious Drusilla and Xander had rescued a bloodied Giles from the mansion on Crawford Street. Only she and Angelus remained, fighting to the death to prevent him from, or, if he won, to allow him to open the gates to Hell. Swords were the weapons that night, and Angelus was getting the better of her. At the last minute she realized that in the end, as Whistler had told her, she only had herself. She took control of the fight and just as she was about to take his head, Angelus shuddered and let out a horrible shout. His eyes flashed a bright yellow-orange and he collapsed to his knees. She had paused her fight, still poised to take his head when he, as he would surely do, dropped the act and tried to overcome her.
But he didn’t. Instead, he looked at her, really seeing her for the first time in months, since he had killed Jenny Calendar, tortured Giles, allowed Willow to be put in a coma, Xander’s arm to be broken, and for Kendra to die. Since he had taken her innocence, shown her what love could be, and broken her heart. The look he gave her was one of pure love.
“Buffy?” he had gasped. “What’s going on?”
She kept her sword at the ready, but hope began to creep into her heart.
He stood up. “Where are we? I don’t remember…”
She lowered her sword. “Angel?” she whispered, disbelief clear in her voice. Willow had performed the spell to restore his soul...and it had worked. Angel was back.
“You’re hurt,” he said, eyeing a cut on her arm, before they came together in a hug that had felt so wonderful she had to shut her eyes against the rest of the world. When she opened them, she wished she hadn’t. Standing behind him was Acathla, the demon Angelus had tried to awaken, and who would now suck the world into Hell if Angel didn’t die to seal the portal. Any moment now, Acathla would open his mouth and the world would end.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in months…everything’s so muddled,” he said, still holding her. Acathla’s mouth opened. She moved back from Angel and looked into his eyes.
“What’s happening?” he asked, out of breath and confused.
“Shhhh….” She whispered. “Don’t worry about it.” They kissed, and even now, just with the memory of it, tears sprang to her eyes at the shear joy she had felt in that moment.
She pulled away and told him, “I love you,” tears making her voice thick.
“I love you too,” he said.
“Close your eyes,” she whispered, nodding slightly, encouragingly, when he looked doubtful. She kissed him gently, tears swelling in her eyes. And then she drew back her sword and stabbed him through the chest.
He shouted in pain and extended an arm to her, imploring her to help him. Confusion and pain mixed in his eyes. “Buffy?” he asked…and then he and Acaltha were sucked into Hell. And with that, her world had ended.
She came out of her memories with the sad feeling she always had when remembering that night. Her only comfort was that the gods had been kind and released him from Hell so that he may do good on Earth. That night, as it turned out, had not been their last night together, for which she was eternally grateful.
So I’m still in love with him, she thought, even more so than I thought I was. So what? We’re friends now. That’s all we can ever be. At that thought she laughed out loud, a brittle sound filled with remorse. “You’re assuming he even thinks of you that way anymore, Summers.”
“What way?” came a voice from behind her. So much for always feeling his presence, she thought before turning to face Angel.
“Hi,” she said, ignoring his question, but wondering how long he’d been standing there.
“I know you said you wanted to walk alone, but can I bother you for a minute?” he asked, his brown eyes seeking her blue ones, pleading silently.
She shrugged. “Sure.” The pair turned and walked down the street in the direction Buffy had been headed. “What’s up?”
“Buffy…I don’t know what’s going on. You seem…distant,” he said carefully.
She looked at him in shock. “Angel, I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a year. What did you expect? A welcoming party?”
The vampire looked even more uncomfortable. “I’ve kept tabs on you. You haven’t needed me for a while.”
You don’t know how wrong you are, she thought, and could have smacked herself. Where in the hell were these thoughts coming from? This stops now.
“Oh, well, if you’ve kept tabs on me, that’s the same as a phone call or a visit,” she shot back at him.
“You haven’t exactly been ringing my phone off the hook you know,” he said bitterly, defensively.
“Angel…” Buffy said, preparing to spar with him, but then stopped. She stopped walking and turned to him. “Let’s stop this, okay? It’s the same way every time we meet again. We’re uncomfortable, we argue, we make up… lather, rinse,
repeat. It’s old.”
He stopped and turned around to look at her. Gently, he began to grin. “I wonder why that is.”
She returned his rueful grin. “I don’t know.” They continued to walk in silence for several blocks.
“I’ve missed you.” He had been thinking the words, had never intended to let them slip out, but there it was.
She stiffened slightly, but forced herself to relax. “I’ve missed you too.”
“I want you to know, not that it matters anymore, but I need for you to know…I haven’t been with anyone. Whatever the reason is for me changing, that’s not it.”
She stopped and took his hand in hers. “And not that it matters, but I already know. Since you said it back at the shop I’ve never doubted it,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze and dropping it.
“Thanks,” he said.
“So, what are we going to do?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. This is a new one for me…” his words were cut off as a vampire flew over a park bench and tackled Buffy.
“Buffy!” Angel shouted as she was knocked to the ground.
“Uff!” her breath came rushing out of her as she landed roughly, the vampire on top of her, struggling to bite.
Angel rushed to her and pulled the vampire off, punching him across the face. “Angel!” Buffy shouted. “Two more!” Two more vamps, a male and female, were running at them. Buffy moved into action as Angel fought the first vampire. The female ran at Buffy and Buffy quickly bent over from the waste, flipping the vampire over and onto the ground.
“Hello,” Buffy said sweetly as she stood over her, “you should have stayed in tonight,” and promptly dusted the stunned vamp. The male vampire looked from her to Angel, who had finished dusting the other, and ran.
“Angel!” Buffy called and tossed him a stake. Angel picked it out of the air easily and threw it at the retreating vampire. The sound of a dusting came from the distance and they knew that fight was over.
“You okay?” he asked.
Buffy rubbed her shoulder. “Yeah, I think so…you?”
He nodded, then sniffed the air. Looking her up and down he said, “Turn around.” She looked at him quizzically but did as he asked. “Your jacket’s ripped, you’re cut,” he said, fingering the shredded leather low on her shoulder. “You must have ripped it when that vamp tackled you.”
She removed the jacket and tried to inspect her back over her shoulder. “I can’t see…is it bad? It doesn’t hurt much.”
Angel gazed at the site of bare skin when she removed her jacket. Her sleeveless sweater had a large tear in it and was slightly stained with blood, but the cut itself didn’t look too horrible. “I think your clothes took the worst of it, but you should still clean that out,” he said, gently touching the skin around the wound.
She hissed at his touch, “Watch it, that stung.”
“Sorry,” he whispered huskily, and helped her put her jacket back on. “Come on. Your house or mine?” he asked. He had retained the mansion on Crawford Street for his trips back to Sunnydale, or so he told the rest of them. When he was honest with himself, which wasn’t often, he knew that he had retained it because it held too many memories of the happiest times of his life.
Buffy looked around her, gauging the distance between their present location and the two houses. “Yours is technically closer,” she said, reluctantly, though her heart had started pounding in her chest the moment he had touched her.
He nodded, somewhat relieved at her answer and somewhat dismayed. “Let’s go. I told Giles I’d come back to the shop later on to pow-wow some more.”
They walked the few blocks to Angel’s house and upon entering Buffy was hit with a wave of memories.
“What?” Angel asked softly, seeing the look come over her face.
She smiled sadly, “Just remembering. I spent a lot of time here.”
“I remember.” They stood, rooted to the floor, watching each other warily before Angel finally moved away, “I’ll get some bandages. Have a seat.”
The house was cold, but the power was still on, and Buffy remembered that the fireplace was electric. Finding the switch she lit a fire and sat on a slightly dusty couch. Angel returned and sat next to her.
“Take off your jacket,” he said, suddenly realizing how familiar this situation was.
It was obvious that this was as familiar to Buffy as she turned to look at him, her eyes huge.
“Deja-vu,” she whispered and removed her jacket.
“Yeah,” he whispered, moving her jacket aside and exposing her torn shoulder. “But drier.”
She laughed softly despite her nerves, then flinched at the antiseptic he applied. “Guess it’s worse than I thought.”
“Nah, really. It’s not bad, not even deep. It’s almost closed….” He trailed off, realizing what he was saying—the same words he had whispered to her the night they made love. He was so close to her, could hear the blood rushing through her veins, the breath coming more quickly from her lungs. She stiffened at his words, but relaxed at his touch as he gently cleaned her wound, his fingers smoothing the bandage over soft, tanned skin.
“All done,” he said, and she quickly rose off the couch and walked across the room, rubbing her arms. She stopped in front of a window and gazed across the sky, watching the moon.
“Are you cold?” he asked.
“Far from it, actually,” she admitted softly, without turning around.
He approached her slowly. “Buffy…”
She turned and looked at him, her eyes full of sorrow and a trace of fear. “We can’t do this,” she said, her voice weak.
“For more reasons than just the obvious. You can’t come here to stop Angelus from appearing, just to have us do the one thing we know for sure will bring him out.”
He nodded. “I agree,” he said, sensibly.
“But it’s more than that, Angel, and you know it. It’s more than not seeing each other for over a year, not talking to each other. It’s more than there being no way to have a real relationship. It’s more than just the fact that I’m lonely…and,” her voice broke, “that you look so good to me…” Tears spilled over her face.
Lonely. It was a feeling he usually only associated with himself, as selfish as that may be. “Why are you lonely?” he asked.
“Why?! I don’t have anyone in my life, Angel. I have no family, no love. It never works for me. I have too many other factors that always have to come first.”
“You have your friends,” he said. “You always felt that with your friends you could do anything. I’ve learned that, learned that from you. Without Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley, I wouldn’t be who I am today. You showed me that friendship is a good thing.”
“And that’s true, but my friends aren’t a lover. My friends aren’t romance and companionship. Every time I look for that it runs away because I can’t help it grow. I always have to save the world, to stop the evil, and keep secrets.” She paused, realizing what she said. “Oh my God. Xander was right,” she whispered.
“Right about what?” Angel asked, moving closer to her.
“He said…that I needed to tell people, boyfriends, about me, about being the Slayer. He said that the people who know have stayed around in my life, except for Riley.”
“And me,” Angel said softly.
Buffy looked up at him with red eyes. “No, that’s different, and you know it. Riley was different. He knew, he
supported my slaying. He helped me with it. He understood it and wasn’t turned off by it. I mean…I didn’t mean that he was turned on by it, I meant…”
Angel bristled and dismissed her words. “We both still left you.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, “It’s different.”
“I know you’ve…dated. You didn’t tell any of them.” It was a statement, not a question. He already knew the answer, had, in fact, met a few of her ex-boyfriends.
“No, I thought that if I didn’t it would be easier on them. It hadn’t worked out with you and Riley when you knew, but…”
“It was different,” he said.
“Yeah, it was.”
“Buffy, you have a hard life. I’m not disputing that. I wasn’t Riley’s biggest fan, but the boy was decent to you, up until the end anyway. I’m sorry it didn’t work with him, or the ones after him. But you can’t base every possible future relationship on us, on Riley and me. You know the reasons behind my leaving. I couldn’t offer you a life, no matter how much I cared for you.”
“Couldn’t? Cared? As in, in the past?” she whispered, turning away from him so he wouldn’t see her cry again.
“Wh-what?” he sputtered. This wasn’t what he had expected her to focus on.
“You’re speaking in the past. You cared for me, not you care for me. You couldn’t offer me a life, not you can’t offer me a life. You’re talking as if since the moment you got here I’m the only one who’s been on the emotional roller coaster. We find out that you’re going to change again, and I’m supposed to just stay calm, when I’m the one who lives with the memory of having to kill you once before?”
“Now wait a minute there, Buffy, that’s not fair,” Angel began, “you just said ‘we can’t do this.’ Now you want affirmations that I still have feelings for you?”
Buffy rolled her eyes and ignored him. “And you’re giving me advice on dating? You once told me I was your soul mate, but I guess that’s not working out for you. You’re over it now, is that it?
He cursed. Crossing the room to her, he grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. “Fine. You want to hear it all over again? Will it make you feel better to wrench my heart just a little more? Well, here it is. I can’t offer you a life, no matter how much I may care about you,” he growled. “Present tense, care. It doesn’t matter that I can’t ever get you off my mind, no matter how hard I try. It doesn’t matter that everything I do in the hopes that this time, this one demon, will be the kill I need to make to find redemption. That this human I save will be the key to my humanity. It’s all in the hopes that I can finally be worthy of you, but you know what I’ve had the last seven years to figure out? I’m never going to be worthy of you. You’re so far beyond me, I don’t deserve you. That’s why the Powers won’t grant me my freedom. I’m not worthy. I have no choices here. What can I give you? I can’t give you marriage, or children, even picnics in the park on a sunny afternoon. The only thing I can do is make sure that you’re happy, and seeing as how every time we’re together, this seems to be how it ends, with tears and good-byes, you can see why I choose to stay away.”
She stood there, his hands on her shoulders holding her in place, and stared at him in complete shock. His eyes, intense and emotional, didn’t leave her face until she broke contact to slide to the floor. Sobs racked her body and he cursed again as he sat down and comforted the woman of his dreams.
“Buffy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was out of line. Please, don’t cry,” he said, his hands rubbing her back, a finger lifting her chin up so he could see her face.
“No…no, I’m sorry. Angel that was horrible of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Ever since that dream last night, God, it was only last night! I’ve been filled with all these feelings, these emotions that I haven’t let out in so long.”
“It was a rough dream…bad memories for all of us,” he said, trying to understand.
She shook her head. “No, there’s more. I haven’t told anyone. Before the vamp attacked me I was walking through a cemetery, patrolling. I studied a crypt that had angels on it, and suddenly I was going through all these old memories, of us, of Riley…”
He stroked her hair, ashamed that he was pleased she dreamt of him. “What memories?” he asked gently.
She blew out a ragged breath, trying to calm herself down. “Of when my mom died, and Dawn, and how you were there for me, through the whole thing. And how you stayed. We would patrol, and it was like old times. Fighting together, as a team. And how one night we were fighting and you saved me from an ambush. We continued to walk after the fight and we held hands. We were doing that a lot again, and I was happy about it, it was comfy,” she admitted.
“I remember,” he said.
“That night was the night we came across Riley, when he first came back.”
“I remember that too,” Angel said, thinking of how pissed off Riley had been to see Buffy there, holding hands with him, and how fun it had been to torment the farm boy.
“I replayed that whole night in my head, I even saw the conversation you and Riley had on my front porch.”
Angel looked surprised. “Did Riley tell you about that?”
“Sort of. But not in as many details as I saw and heard.”
Angel wondered if she had heard his final words to Riley that night. We’ve always been together.
“I dreamed of how you stayed and how Riley stayed, but eventually you both left again, and then I was alone,” she continued. “And then I got up off the park bench I was sitting on and walked home.”
“And that’s when the vampire attacked you?”
She nodded. “I don’t know why I dreamed that first part. I wanted to believe that it didn’t mean anything, that it wasn’t an important part of the dream. I mean, I don’t think about those things, my mom dying, Dawn, you leaving, Riley leaving. I don’t dwell on them. But ever since I woke up this morning, I’ve been…overcome with these feelings. When I thought you had changed…I was…jealous,” she admitted shamefully. “Jealous that you might have found happiness with someone else. I’m sorry.”
He grinned over the top of her head. “That’s okay,” he said, fighting to keep the joy out of his voice. “Riley and I didn’t exactly become bosom buddies. And that Carter guy, what was that?” he teased. “I mean, the hair line alone should have been a big indicator.”
She giggled and then accidentally snorted, setting them both off laughing. When they calmed down they stood, momentarily collecting their thoughts. “I guess we should go,” she said finally.
“I guess so. But, later, tonight, assuming the end of the world isn’t looming or anything, could we maybe talk some more…about this thing between us?”
She nodded, slowly. “I’d like that.” She put her jacket back on. “Thanks for stitching me up.”
“Sure.”
“And I’m sorry that I became a basket case on you, but…thank you for being so understanding, and…for saying those wonderful things. Even if it can’t be anything, it’s still nice to know. Being loved is always nice.”
“I think you should tell Giles about the other part of your dream. You never know what it might mean,” he said. She nodded and moved to walk past him when he touched her shoulder. She turned and looked at him expectantly.
“Buffy…a real relationship? It will happen someday,” he said.
“I know,” she answered him, and walked out of the mansion. But do you mean with you, or with someone else?