“The water’s ready.” Angel paused in the doorway, watching her face for a few minutes. Her mind was clearly elsewhere, but she didn’t look as bad as she had at first.

“I need to check your injuries first, make sure there’s no risk of infection.”

Buffy jumped at the sound of Kai’s voice, she’d been lost in thought. “Okay, but I’m getting clean one way or the other.”

“Of course, though a shower might be a wiser choice.” Opening the back of the old hospital gown they’d dressed her in,  Kai kept her voice calm, but her hands shook a little at the sight of the cuts on Buffy’s back. “You’re healing quickly, but soaking in a tub might open some of these up.”

“Fine, I won’t soak. I’ll just get clean and get out.”

“I can let the water out, start the shower instead.” Angel offered softly.

“That would be the best idea. I can help you get cleaned up, we’ll change the sheets and then you can go back to bed.”

“I...” Buffy started shaking again, her brain shying away from the notion of anyone else seeing her naked. Angel took her in his arms, holding her steady against him until she calmed down.

“I think I’ll let your Angel take care of helping you in the shower. Okay?”

Buffy just nodded, Angel was the one to respond. “Just drain the tub, I’ll take care of everything else.”

Kai nodded and walked out. Buffy’s voice was soft, but Angel heard her anyway. “I’m sorry.”

Angel arched an eyebrow “Who are you apologizing to?”

“You, her, whoever else I managed to insult in the last five minutes.”

“You didn’t insult me or Kai. Remember you’re the patient, she’s the doctor, and I’m here to take care of you.” He pushed a strand of hair out her face. “Not the other way around.”

“But...” He shushed her gently.

“Come on, let’s get you in the shower. I’ll even wash your hair.”

“Okay.”  

“How is she?” Joyce pulled Kai into her room.

“A little better, her wounds are healing well.” She cocked her head, leaning forward to sniff the other woman’s skin. “How long do you have?”

“What are you talking about?” Joyce backed away, her eyes wild.

“I can smell it. You’re ill, and by now the symptoms should be bad enough that you’ve been to a doctor.”

“I...my oncologist says I have six, maybe eight months at most.  I had surgery to remove the first tumor, but two more grew in its place. Radiation didn’t help much with the first one, and the side effects were horrible.”

“Chemo?”

“It only offered a 20% chance of recovery, and that only if I had high dosage wafers placed directly into the tumors. There was only a 40% chance of my surviving the surgery, and only a 30% chance of my retaining my mental function. My choices were a slow death as a vegetable, a quick death that would catch my babies off guard, or a dignified way out of my own choosing.” She took a deep breath, “My girls,...I haven’t told them yet. I planned on discussing it with Rupert later, I know I need to make arrangements for Dawn’s care, and Buffy will have to know certain things. But...”

“She’s been through hell, and you’d rather wait to tell her about this. I understand, don’t worry I won’t say a word.”

“Thank you.”

Kai shrugged, “No need to thank me. I just wish there was something more I could do.”

“You can help me change her sheets.” The two women exchanged wry smiles, then sat back to wait for  Buffy to leave her room. 

She’s shaking again, not much but I can feel her little body quaking against me just before I pick her up. She’s trying so hard to be brave, and I want to tell her she doesn’t have to be, I’ll protect her from everything. But I can’t lie to her, not about that, I can protect her from external things, but the demons in her head are something I can’t fix.

“Here we are, one hot shower coming up.” I try to keep my voice light, but I know the second she pulls that gown off, I’m going to want to cry, scream,...something. I won’t though, instead I’ll help her get clean and dry. I’ll change her sheets, and sleep on the floor in her room, because she needs me to be strong, to be the one taking care of her.

“I...” She’s gulping for air, fingers scrabbling at the gown. I’m confused for a second, until I realize that unlike me she can see her reflection in the mirror. “Oh...God. Look at me. I’m...she...” She’s crying again, not like before, no bone crushing sobs, just these quiet little tears trickling down pale cheeks. I do the only thing I can, turn her away from the mirror murmuring some comforting nonsense in Gaelic.  She shoots me an odd look when I turn away, intending to let her undress in private.

“You can’t stand to look at me? It’s okay, I understand, I’m disgusting...” There’s a beat, maybe two while I try to process how she could think that, then I’m grabbing her, pulling off her gown and lifting her into the tub  all in one motion. I don’t give her or myself, time to think, instead I step in with her, cradling her against my chest until she’s calm. 

“You’re getting your clothes wet.” She’s sounds a little like herself again, I can almost hear that little teasing lilt she gets when she’s picking on someone, then the water hits her back, and she’s wincing and closing her eyes in pain. I maneuver us so the spray isn’t hitting her as hard.

“Better?”

“Yeah.” She picks up one of those fluffy mesh things, reaching out to wet it. “I’m going to have to toss this too. Oh well, Willow and I can shop for a whole bunch of stuff all at once. She’ll like that.”

“Shopping, a girl’s best friend.” She’s giving me a look, not one I’ve seen before, but I chalk it up to confusion. I know I sound like Xander, but I’m nervous and I can’t think of anything productive to say. Instead I remove my wet t-shirt, pausing to make sure this is okay with her before I shuck the wet shorts as well. She’s moved away a little, propping herself against the wall while she swipes awkwardly at her body, trying to wash herself without bending over.

“Here, I’ll do that.” I spend a few minutes washing her hair, doing my best to get all the blood out. She lets me smooth on the conditioner, tilting her head into my hands. I can feel the water starting to cool so I speed up, trying to be quick, washing her face and upper body as gently as possible. Her back takes a little longer, some of the healed over marks still thick with dried blood. She closes her eyes when I kneel to wash her lower body, whimpering a little when I reach the juncture of her thighs. The smell of the other men makes me growl, I don’t realize I’m doing it until she starts apologizing.

“I’m sorry...you don’t have to...do that.” I can hear her heart thudding away, the stench of fear  overwhelming the sweet smell of the soap she uses. I hug her legs gently, cursing myself for frightening her, and the Powers for putting her in this situation.

Eventually the fear smell fades, but her voice is still shaky when she speaks, “I know it’s not my fault, but I feel so dirty. Like I should have stopped them, and even though I wasn’t there to really feel it, it still hurts when I think about it. And you can smell them, I know you can, and you’re disgusted and that’s okay ‘cause I am too. So if you just want to not look at me ever again, I understand, really I do.” She makes a bitter  sound that’s possibly a laugh.

I don’t bother to respond, just finish bathing her, using my fingers to clean her sex. She’s shaking now, so I turn off the water and wrap a towel around her before stepping out of the shower. I dry myself off quickly, wrapping the towel around my waist. She moves to step out as well, but I get there first, scooping her up, I quickly walk back to her room.

“I can walk, you don’t have to carry me.”

Kai “I’m going to get you situated on the bed, then I’ll find you something to wear.” She’s quiet again, but I can feel her heart like it’s in my chest. I set her down gently, trying to think calm thoughts at her, trying to soothe her without my treacherous tongue getting in the way.

“Are you mad at me?” Little girl voice, soft and sweet it’s tearing at what’s left of my heart.

“No.” I know I should say more but I can’t.

He’s just standing there looking at me, and I can see he means it about not being angry, but his body language is odd. It takes me a second to realize what’s wrong.

“Stop feeling guilty.” My voice is harsh, I know that, but I can’t bear the thought of him blaming himself.

“No.” He turns away then, rummaging through my drawers until he finds an old shirt of his and a baggy pair of shorts. “Raise your arms.”

I don’t argue, just maneuver myself into a position that’s acceptable. He eases me into the shirt like a small child that’s incapable of dressing itself. “If you’re planning on sitting here and brooding, don’t. I’m not ready to start bolstering your ego, not now.”

He pulls on the shorts, turns and fishes clean panties out. “These okay?”

“Yeah, you planning on giving me the silent treatment forever?”

“I’m not giving you the silent treatment.” He’s on his knees now, lifting my legs to maneuver my feet into the panties.

“What would you call it?” I lift my hips a little, helping him ease the small scrap of cotton into place.

“Me, not putting my foot in my mouth. I want to hold you and make this all go away. But, that’s my need, and this isn’t about me. It’s about you, and I’m trying not to crowd you.” He’s shaking a little, angry now, and I don’t need a crystal ball to know he’s mad at himself for losing control even a little bit. For lack of any better ideas, I scoot forward and wrap my self around him.

“I need you to hold me and tell me I’m safe. I need you to tell me I’m still your girl, and that none of this matters because you love me. I need to hear you growl when you’re feeling protective, and purr when I fall asleep.” I’m crying now, but so is he and I spare a thought to clean sheets, and wonder dimly if the bloodstains from his tears will wash out. Then he’s lifting me again, trying to lay me down on the bed, and I panic a little. “Don’t...” I’m ready to beg him to lay down, to hold me forever, anything but leave. I don’t have to though, he knows without me saying anything. No sooner does he let go of my waist than he’s laying down, pulling me back against his chest.

“Shh, it’s okay I’m here and you’re safe. Just go to sleep.” I want to tell him I’m not tired, but he’s rocking me and I relax a little, and he’s purring in my ear. Next thing I know I’m drifting off to sleep.

“Delia, time to book. We need to get back to L.A.” Gunn’s voice was calm but he still hadn’t let go of her.

“Now? I’m too tired to drive.”

“Good, cause you’re not driving. I am.” He stood pulling her to him, “I want to go now.”

“Excuse me Mr. Cave-guy, this is so not going to be one of those deals where you bark and I jump. I’m a grown woman, if you want to leave go right ahead. I’m tired and all I want to do is crash!” She pulled away, eyes flashing.

“I’m not trying to order you around, I just thought you’d be happy to sleep in your own bed tonight.” Gunn’s voice rose in anger and frustration as Cordelia stomped away, “Couldn’t you, just once, manage not to leap to a conclusion that doesn’t exist?!”

“It’s no good my friend, once she gets mad the only intelligent response is to grovel. That, or pray for death. It’s easier than getting Queen C to change her mind.” Xander opined from the corner, raising his glass in salute to when Wesley nodded in agreement.

“Aw, fuck me. I just figured she’d be happy to get out of here. She’s always saying how much this place sucks.”

“You were having a moment of rational thought, see I’ll bet you were thinking, ‘Staying on Hellmouth bad, leaving Hellmouth good.’ Any other time that would make sense, but you’re dealing with a Scooby now. We don’t have the good sense required to know when it’s time for us to run.” He laughed and took a swig of beer, “I love the girls, but right now I wish they all had the good sense to pick up and run for the damn hills.”

“Xander...” Anya couldn’t think of anything to say, “I...please let’s go home. Okay?” He didn’t respond right away, just sat drinking his beer. “I can try to find new ways to give you orgasms.” She knew it was the wrong thing to say, but he was scaring her. He just sat there drinking and stroking her hair.

“I better go find Cordelia, I’ll uh...see you guys later.” Gunn walked away shaking his head. *They are the strangest couple.*  

“Where’s the poof?” Spike strolled through the kitchen door, surprising Cordelia while she sat fuming about Gunn’s behavior.

“You mean Angel? He’s upstairs with Buffy, did you need something?”

“Yeah, but it’s not important. How’s she doing?”

“She’s...” She broke off as Gunn strode into the kitchen. “Go away, I’m not ready to talk to you yet.”

“Cordy...”

“Go away!” She jumped up as he approached, clearly ready to do battle.

“Come away Gunn, she’s too angry to listen just now.” Wesley stepped between them, turning to Cordelia he said, “We’ll be at Giles’ house, I’m sure Buffy has the number. Call if you need a ride.” At her nod of assent he turned and steered Gunn away.

“Interesting, the cheerleader finally got herself a man. What’s wrong pet?, he’s got you all...worked up.” Spike sneered at her, “Better choice than Chubs, I’m almost impressed.”

“Shut up Spike.” She rolled her eyes at the sight of his obvious amusement at her expense. “Did you need Angel right now?” Her eyes widened, “Oh fuck, Ligeia! You didn’t let that crazy bitch escape?”

“No. She’s chained up just as snug as could be. I just wanted to ask Soulboy a question.”

“Oh. I think he’s trying to get Buffy calmed down, can you wait a minute?”

“Sure, she’s awake then?” He asked, concern clear in his face.

“Yeah, she’s not in great shape though.” Cordelia sucked in a deep breath, “She’s usually the strong one, and hell, she tossed me on my ass when she first woke up. But, I’ve never seen anyone hurt that bad.”

“Dru was in bad shape when I found her, it took her a long time to get better, but she made it through. The Slayer won’t do anything less.”

“I hope you’re right about that. Otherwise, I’m still going to kill you. Actually, I might do it right now. Why aren’t you guarding that thing?!”

Cordelia jerked around at the sound of Angel’s voice, he sounded...evil. She backed away from Spike as Angel advanced, his movements slow and cold. “Umm, I’m gonna go now.” Her mind flashed back to their concerns before her vision of Buffy. *Giles, I need Giles!*

“Sire.” Spike forced himself to hold his ground, willing away the urge to back up as Angel advanced.

“Answer my question, boy.”

“She’s at my place, chained up and properly beaten. I can go back and kill her right now, if, that’s what you want?”

“Beaten? I thought the chip kept you from hurting humans?” Spike never thought he’d be so glad to hear the Watcher’s voice. *Only thing standing between you and Hell.*

“She’s not human.” Spike heard the undercurrents in his Sire’s voice, and decided the Watcher wasn’t going to be any help after all.

“I’m surprised to see you downstairs, I thought you intended to stay with Buffy.” Giles couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, but he sensed something off about the situation.

“She’s asleep, I’m too angry to just sit up there, so I came down to find out what my wayward child is doing here. He’s supposed to be watching Ligeia.”

“I wanted to find out how long I’m supposed to keep her alive.”

“Until I tell you otherwise.” He advanced on Spike, his body language clearly menacing.

“Yes Sire.”

“I thought Druscilla sired you, Spike.” Giles figured since the two of them were standing there, he might as well get some information to update his files. *Not to mention distracting Angel.*

“Not exactly, she bit him, but then she got...confused. I finished the job. Right...boy?”

Spike had a sudden urge to scream, his nerves rubbed raw by the waves of anger, and the promises of pain he could feel coming off his Sire. “Y-yeah. I...um...I’d better get back to my place, make sure she’s still where I left her.”

“That would be...” Angel broke off at the sound of a high thin scream. “Buffy!” He raced out of the room. Spike sagged in relief. He was surprised to see the Watcher just standing there.

“Shouldn’t you be with him?” He arched a scarred eyebrow at the look on Giles’ face.

“She’s having a nightmare, I’m not going to be able to do much to comfort her. He will.”

“Right, well I’d better go.” He turned to leave, hoping to be gone before Angel found his way back downstairs.

“I’d like you to stay for a second. I have a few questions for you.”

Spike turned around, his eyes fixed on Giles’. “He’s still got his soul if that’s what you’re worried about. If he didn’t, the Slayer and the rest of you would already be gone.”

“We made a deal, I didn’t keep up my end. He’s pissed about the results.” His jaw tightened momentarily, thinking of all the ways Angel could make him pay.

“May I ask what exactly the bargain consisted of?”

“You’ll have to ask him, right now I need to go. If he comes back and I’m still here...” He didn’t finish his sentence, a loud growl sounding throughout the house providing all the explanation necessary.

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