TITLE: Because of my love for you.

EMAIL: Angels_leather_pants@yahoo.com or Talkative_alien_4000@yahoo.com

AUTHOR: Amanda Wallace

SUMMARY: Ages ago i wrote a fic 'I need to know' which was basically a letter from Buffy to Angel some time after graduation. In a nutshell: this is Angel's reply. (Angsty, in a way). (i've posted the previous one from B to A after it, in case it doesn't make sense or anyone feels like re-reading it. yeah, right, lol.)

NOTES: Okay, so many people sent me really wonderful feedback for my 'strangers' and 'new life...' beginnings, but my computers been down and i feel really terrible for not saying thanks to everyone! So anyway, i'm on to it now, *grin*, but please don't think it's not appreiciated. It always, always is.

DISCLAIMER: Do i look like a guy called Joss? Nope... at least i hope not!

PAIRING: B/A

Buffy,

I have the strongest urge to begin this, to address this, to 'my love', but reading your letter I understand the words would sting, not soothe. But if there's one thing I will make sure you understand by the end of this, it's this: my love for you was never simply a reaction borne out of your kindness.

I loved you for you, Buffy, - partly for your love and kindness, yes, for that's a large part of who you are- but not for that alone. I loved you for your anger. For your humour. The way your body made mine feel warm and tingly. I loved you for your laughter, and the laughter you so often and surprisingly succeeded in drawing from me.

I loved you for all those reasons, and more importantly, because I had no choice. Truth be told, I didn't *want* to fall in love with you. You said my heart did something to yours. Well, yours did something to mine, too. If I could sweep you into my arms right now I would. And if I could whisper into your ear that I love you- I would. And if I could be there to hear you reply in kind... I'd give anything.

You thought I wasn't ready to accept that you loved me. You thought I didn't want to hear it. It was never that, my love. I wanted to hear it day and night. Only I was scared, and a scared man will sometimes only allow himself to hear the things he's dreamt about hearing in his dreams and fantasies; the only place they seem to belong. There I listened to you, my heart, and I loved you back with everything inside me.

Imagine if it were suddenly announced to you that Heaven wasn't a place so far away, but could be reached by plane. At a cost, always, but reachable, none the less. Would you jump unhesitatingly on board, my love? Even if you could not afford to pay the price?

I can't help but smile slightly to myself as I write this, because in all probability, you, my courageous love, would jump on board. But I don't have your courage.

It's funny, but for so long I existed solely on the hope of one day becoming human, of one day seeing the light and living again. You of all people will know this. And my dream became reality, for a short while, when I received the ring of amara; when I stood in the sunlight and watched all the pure, untainted goodness the world had to offer. But I realised something, in those moments. I realised I'd already found that goodness, that peace, in your arms, and in your kisses. In your love.

Don't ever think my love for you was a three dimensionally constructed lie, built on binding circumstance. Not when you succeeded in giving to me a peace I'd been striving for for over one hundred years. And funnily enough, becoming human doesn't seem like such a desperate rush or struggle any more, because even when I find it. it'll never feel as right and perfect as we did.

You hate me for leaving. I can feel it, even through the miles that separate us, and you'll never know the strength and aching pull in the temptation of rushing back to you, just to see you, and touch you, one last time. You think that because I was the one to walk away I find it any easier to stay away? The notion is laughable.

But as strongly as I feel for you, and as much as my heart yearns for it, we can not be. Can you see it yet, my heart? Perhaps I'll receive my redemption- my humanity- eventually, but even with that hope I can not see a way for us. Even if I became human tomorrow. could our situation, our forced separation, be any other way? I think, perhaps, it would be even more hopeless.

For nearly all our time we spent together, my heart, I found myself questioning how you could love me as a vampire, and how long it would last before you saw me through my own eyes. But now I'm asking this: could you really love me as a human? It's not such an odd question, my love. Would you still be able to love me after the 50th time you've had to save me? Or when you're out patrolling alone, because I'm too weak to join you? And could you still love me when I can no longer remember the darkness, the shadows, and share them with you?

Could it really be any other way, my heart? Do you not see? Strip away the dark nights and burning smell of singed, sun-touched skin. Strip away the pale complexion and replace it with a dark tan. Place me in the sunlight, but my heart, our circumstances, our obstacles, would not be swayed. You asked me whether circumstance bound me to you, rather then my love. Do you not see that it was in *spite* of our circumstances that I loved you, not because of them?

I thought writing this letter to you would be hard. But it's not nearly as hard as ending it. You know how I want to end it... but putting the words I long to say down on paper... perhaps then I won't have the strength left in me to leave them as written words only.

Find your happiness, my heart, and if you can, find someone who you can love. It tears me apart inside to say it- and why shouldn't it?- but what we had... it was unique, and we'll always have a part of each other. That's what gives me the strength to stay away from you. Not an absence of love for you, but an excess of it.

Yours, Angel.

The End