Title: I'm Over Him, I Really Am.

Author: Kayla

Email: TVgirl4ever@cs.com

Disclaimer: I wish I owned them but I don't :(

Spoilers: I don't think there is any.

Summery: Buffy spends a night at the Bronze with the Scooby Gang.

Timeline: Season 4

Feedback: I'd love you forever and always.

AN: // is Buffy's thoughts

"Buffy?" Xander chirped, "Are you here? Or in outer space?"

//No, I'm not here. Never have been really here. Not in a long time. Not since he left. Every time I close my eyes he's there taunting me, telling me how much he loves and adores me, brushing his perfect lips over mine, comforting me with his sweet words. When he was still here I was fine with having him in my head It was like having a 24/7 boyfriend, but now it's torturing me with what I lost. He's everywhere//

"No, Xand," I answer, "I wasn't in outer space."

//I was with my angel. I am *always* with my angel. I'm always looking for him, hoping he'd show up at the oddest of moments. Sneak up on me, and sweep me of my feet.//

"Do you wanna dance?" Riley asked me as he put his hang over mine.

//No! I don't wanna dance with anyone but Angel! I don't want to kiss anyone but Angel! I don't want to have sex with anyone but Angel! I don't want to love anyone but Angel! Can't anyone see through my fake exterior?//

"I'd love to," I hear myself saying despite the voices in my head telling me to shove a stick up his butt. We walk to the dance floor and start grooving to the semi-fast beat. Well, he is I'm just waving around my body in place. A slow song comes on and he brings me into him. He places his hands on the small of my back, I on his shoulders.

//It's torture to touch another. His hand is on a place only Angel's should be. I can't even pretend he's Angel, not even for a moment. Angel makes my knees go weak. Angel makes me forget my surroundings and it becomes just us, a vampire and his beloved slayer. He makes me feel loved and special, like I'm the only thing he sees, and nothing will ever be more important than me. Angel's the dark, where I feel most comfortable and safe. Riley's the light, almost too bright, like when you turn on the bathroom light in the middle of the night. Angel's cold, he can cool me down after a hot night of patrol. Riley's warm...not like Angel//

When the song finishes he drags me back to our table. Xander and Anya are fighting over something stupid and Willow and Tara are having an intimate conversation.

//I envy them. Simple as that. They all have someone that they love just as much as their lover loves them. I'm not in love with Riley. I'm in like with Riley. I can't bring myself to say that I love him. the words 'I love you' mean so much more to me than what me and Riley have. Riley's a nice guy that loves me, but I don't want nice. I did once. I wanted plain, simple, normal. My life is anything but that. My life is dangerous. I live on the wild side. Well, sort of, at night when no one's around and I'm kicking ass, I do. I want a guy I can dance with while I fight and not have to worry about him getting hurt. I want to be able to be happy when he gets hurt so I can have an excuse to tend to his wounds and touch him, although I wouldn't be happy that he gets hurt. I want someone who I can stay up with all night talking and cuddling, nothing more, nothing less. I want a relationship with passion, and I'm not talking about in the bed. There is none with Riley//

"Buffy are Okay?" Willow asks, obviously worried about my well being.

"Yeah, fine why?"

//FINALLY! Someone who sees I'm not happy.//

"You've barely said a word all night and you look a little flushed, maybe your coming down with something...." She answers.

//Or not...//

"I'm fine, Will"

"You weren't even moving on the dance floor, Buff. You've danced more sexy dance with me then you've ever with him, and I was never you boyfriend!" Xander points out.

//I only did it for Angel. I wanted him so badly, wanted him to look at me as an adult that did sexy things....Okay, and to make him completely green with envy. It worked didn't it? I had him for a while. There's a saying "it's better to love and lost, than never to have loved at all" It's not true. It hurts so much, It feels like you can't breathe. I wouldn't want to forget any memories I have of Angel, but sometimes I wish we never fell in such a deep love. Our love traps me. I will never be able to forget what we had and never be able to love another so completely. I lost my capacity for love when he left. I lost my hope when left. I lost half my soul when he left. He will always have a part of my heart and that part will never be given away.//

Riley's head suddenly snapped up. "How sexy?"

"Sexy," Xander replied.

"According to Angel they were *mating* on the dance floor." Willow peeped in.

"Angel?" Riley questions. He hates Angel, even at the mention of his name he gets tense.

//I get tense. Just at the mention of his name my knees turn to jello.//

"It was nothing, I was young and naive and was in desperate need of a boyfriend," I try to convince him, but more myself.

//NO! I'll never love Fishboy even nearly as much as I love Angel//

"Just as long as your over him I won't make an issue over it," Riley replies.

"I am, I really am," I lie.

//If this is over, then when he's here and am allowed to love him, I'm obsessed with him//

End