Title - Memories and Regrets

Disclaimer - not mine.

Rating - PG

Spoilers - everything ever.

Pairing - Buffy/Angel eventually.

Synopsis - 6th in the series. One week later, things calm down a little... or not.

Feedback - always.

AN - this is Buffy's pov. I know this part is shorter than usual... sorry about that, guys, hope you enjoy anyway. And thanks everyone for the great feedback, even if I don't always write back individually, it doesn't mean I appreciate it any less:).

It's been a little over a week ever since the man who is now officially my fiancé first popped up the question. I look down at the ring decorating my finger and I realize, again, just how much I haven't gotten used to the idea of being engaged... to him. He's had it especially designed for me, he never told me, but a friend who works with him, did. I don't even want to begin to imagine how much he paid for it, probably still will be paying long after we're married. No, that line of thought is definitely not leading me to a better place.

I cast my eyes down on the golden band again and watch dully as the curved diamond set on it changing colors in the sunshine streaming through the kitchen window. After a while, this sight becomes so blinding it hurts my eyes, but for some reason, not enough to take them off it. And now the stone feels heavy, even though my hand is resting on the table, so I don't understand how it possibly can, but then I remember it never really felt light...

But I love it, and the man who gave it to me. One might say there is only one way for a woman to love a man, or vice versa, that you can't really say, 'I love him differently than him, but I still love him'. I can't agree with that saying. After all, I wouldn't marry a person, if I didn't love him, would I? Or is it possible I don't know *me* anymore? Is it possible I haven't known true love, *real* love for so long, I grabbed the next best thing that came along?

I smile. I don't know. I don't even know if it really matters. I don't know, because I don't see how I possibly come out as a loser in this entire scenario.

Some might disagree, I suppose. Maybe if they disagreed a couple of years earlier, things might have not gone down like this. But things did. And now I'm twenty-five years old. I'm not the teenage girl who was so angry with her boyfriend for not leaving her a choice regarding their relationship because according to her, it meant he treated her like a kid. While in reality, that same girl caused her boyfriend more than enough heartache just because she could never really confront the people close to her when it came to do with him, because she silently let *them* make the choices for her. So didn't that boyfriend, in a way, treat her just like she deserved?

But I'm not that girl anymore. I won't listen to anyone anymore, I haven't listened to anyone in a very long time. I wouldn't let words with good intentions to know what's better for me, after they destroyed my life once already. And at the same time, I know that however easy it is to blame the words, it's much safer to blame the listener. I guess I needed my mistake to die before I could understand that. One thing is for sure - I'm not letting another love slip away. Even if it's not really love... Then again, I don't know how to really love anymore, I haven't in a very long time, so... I might be wrong.

I lazily turn the page of the newspaper I'm not really reading and take another sip from my cold coffee that for some reason tastes like ashes. What's wrong with me?

I never told Cole the truth that time in the cemetery. I never did, and he never pushed. I don't know why, I'm not the type of people to look a gift horse in the mouth. Probably him saying that finding out Connor's father was a vampire was too much for him to handle already and he really didn't need any more information. I wonder if he would have reacted differently, had he gotten to meet Spike. It's strange, how for the first time in three years I'm really sorry for letting him go. But I know he wouldn't stay. He watched me as I cried, he watched as the spark in my eyes faded off by the day, as my heart shut down... and he *saw* me, saw my soul, or what's left of it, because at this point of my life, it was exposed even to Spike. And he knew all the why's without me needing to say the words. And did I really have the right to expect him to stay after this? But Cole...

I smile ruefully at the thought, didn't he see me at all that moment, when I sold him the short and cut version of Angel? How could he have missed there was so much more to be told about that vampire, so much that concerned me? Have I really managed to suppress all life in me so much, the man I'm marrying would believe my words over my eyes? So where have I come to, then? He doesn't care to marry a lie and I don't care to let him, what sort of marriage is it going to be?

Safe, I say to myself. And I know. I know what I mean.

That's why things are so simple with Cole. I never need to pretend with him, but not because he sees through me and doesn't allow me, like Angel did, but simply because I have Cole to do it for me. He's not stupid, and I know. But after I'm done asking myself all those questions and raising all those assumptions, all I have left is the naked truth, and it's that when he saw my eyes dim at a memory, he saw the eyes of the woman he loved, the woman he was going to marry. He wouldn't press that memory for the world, because his instincts told him not to, and I understand why - maybe some things are better left unsaid.

We're throwing the engagement party at the Bronze tonight, we already have everything planned and set. He's bringing his friends, I'm bringing mine, everything's as it's supposed to be. I have to admit I'm looking forward to it, I'm even looking forward for Giles to walk me down the alley to meet him at the altar, because I know I'll smile when I do. Cole is a gift, a consolation prize from the God I don't believe in because he took from me my only chance at true happiness and ripped my heart out long before Cole came to claim it. I'm not wasting that gift, I'm too smart for that. And I'll smile, because I'll be happy. Because I know this man is my last chance to live again.

I hear the doorbell and sigh. Why do people always have to intrude on my private conversations with myself, is it a course they all aced or something? I quirk a brow at the thought as I wonder where it just came from. Shaking my head slightly, I exhale another sigh as I tiredly drag myself to the door and open it.

"Liz," I try to hide my surprise as I see her, bearing in mind she rarely came here ever since Connor and her broke up.

"Hey," she smiles, then reaches out and pulls me into a brief hug which I equally return, knowing already what it's for. Everyone seems to not be doing much of anything but hug me nowadays... "Congratulations," she adds as she pulls back.

"Thanks," I smile back, having practiced the same routine on about twenty people so far. "Come in," I invite her and shut the door behind her as she follows me into the house. "How've you been? By the way, if you came to see Dawn, she's out shopping, so she's not-" A sixth sense tells me to pick that moment to whirl around and look at her and my words die out on the tip of my tongue as I catch the first glimpse of her eyes. And I know then she's not looking at me anymore. I feel my stomach knot as an ancient memory floats up from the very depth of my mind of a love like that shining in another girl's eyes so many years ago. I envy her, as I painfully acknowledge the fact that girl's eyes don't light up at all now, they probably don't even know how to anymore.

I gaze up the stairs and watch knowingly as Connor comes down, and though he doesn't do as much as smile, just as Liz, his eyes speak volumes as he looks at her. I subconsciously take a step back and lean against the wall. They don't see the images running through my head, but I do. They don't relive my memories, but I do. And at times like these I plead with everyone or thing that's willing to listen I'd forget everything that was my life prior to three years ago.

"One of us has to go here."

"When you kiss me, I wanna die."

"When I look into the future, all I see is you... All I want is you."

"So don't go!"

"Tell me that you don't love me."

"Always."

"Dance with me?..."

"I'll never forget..."

"How's forever? Does forever work for you?"

I swallow hard and close my eyes for a second. I know I caught them in a moment when they don't notice me, but I don't want them to. I don't even know what came over me all of a sudden to trigger all that. My hand creeps up to my finger and starts restlessly toying with the engagement ring on it before I even grasp what's going on and force my nerves to rest. I can't do this now. Or ever. I can't give in to that. I don't want to. Forever is lost on me, anyway.

I watch silently as Connor leans down and gently greets his girl with a kiss, before they draw back, probably slightly uncomfortable with my presence. I know I should go, but my feet don't seem to agree at that point. "You're going out?" I ask him, and he nods.

"I'm taking the car, okay?"

I nod and blink back tears I know I'm going to spill a decent amount off the second the coast is clear to do that.

He stares at me for a moment and I swear I can detect almost compassion in his eyes. He never left as I thought he would and I'm glad. I'm glad I was spared losing him, too. I wonder which one of us would have been sorry more, had he gone through with it. I'm happy he's here, that he stayed, and I grin inwardly, because I'm also happy *for* him, for that in the end, he didn't let his special someone to get away like I did. He wasn't careless, and young and stupid, and let his life slip through his fingers until there's nothing left of it. I know he loves her, I think I always did.

"You're still coming to the party tonight?" I feel the need to ask. Even though things have been going more or less well between Cole and Connor, or Connor and I, I still have to ask. He's never been predictable and I better know now if he's not planning to show, to avoid finding out in the last possible second, by that dooming the entire night mood-wise.

"I don't know," he whispers, as he takes a slightly confused Liz by the hand and brushes past me towards the door.

"Connor," I grab his arm and make him stop and look at me. "Please. I want you to be there."

He looks down to his feet and I shift my eyes from him to his girlfriend. I see her laying a hand on his shoulder and her orbs making me a silent promise she would talk to him about it later. I trust her. Not because I know she knows everything about what drove this wedge between us, or as much as a human is allowed to know, at least. I trust her because I know she has an effect on Angel's son I once had on Angel. Love makes you like that.

Connor only nods, and wrapping a possessive arm around her, leaves.

THE END