Title – Friends and Lovers

Disclaimer - not mine.

Rating - PG

Spoilers - everything ever.

Pairing - Buffy/Angel.

Synopsis – some Xander-closure ;).

Feedback - always.

AN – Buffy's POV all the way.

I open my eyes and blink drowsily at the bright sunshine pouring from the window. As I briefly glance at the body lying next to me, practically under me, I feel an old and strangely familiar urge to secure the blinds, but as I silently watch on, watch him sleeping, bathed in the same sunlight as I, I remember I no longer have to do that.

I raise my head from his chest and look up at him, still submerged in a peaceful sleep. I sigh, as I let my hands crawl upward his chest, relishing the feel of his strong muscles underneath my palms. I musingly take in the absence of the formerly sharp contradiction between my complexion and his, acknowledging with uncontrollably wonder his isn't as pale as it used to be. I smile to myself and replace my head back on his chest, brushing my lips over the smooth skin in the process, then I smile again, as I close my eyes and enfold his broad shoulders in my arms.

The covetous part of me regrets we didn't make love last night. I can't help it, just like I can't help not feeling guilty about it. It's been six years since I last felt him fill me, shroud me with completeness and wholeness no one else but him ever could come even close to. It's been six years since he last claimed me. And it's been six years too many. But even then, I know I should let my mind and not my heart do the thinking this time, and whatever the reason it might have, it says we shouldn't jump right back into things. Funny how easily I let myself logic us out of *this*. Guess I really have changed. Or maybe... it's because this time is different than the last one. This time, I know, inside, there is no reason for me to seize the moment, because I finally let myself believe that tiny voice in the back of my head that's promising me I have a lifetime of these moments ahead of me, as many as I only want, simply because this time, he's not going anywhere.

When did I get so confident, exactly? Up until a few hours ago, I refused to fully believe he was really alive and mine again. Then how do I know now? I just do.

Alive. I feel the smile creep its way back to my lips again. What is it with the two of us and coming back from the dead, anyway? God, I'm actually almost joking about this, I can't believe myself. But still... what is it, really? Are we both captives in this dimension and ruled by some higher power we're not even aware of or are we just lucky? I can't really say I enjoy the thought of someone constantly pulling my strings, but what I want to know even more is the plan that someone has in store for me, and for him, because there must be a reason why two beings that aren't even supposed to be together to begin with become soulmates and are being repeatedly torn apart only to be thrown into each other's arms allover again. So what are we? Enemies, lovers, friends, soulmates, Warriors? It all comes down to this, doesn't it? We're a part of something bigger, of something in the grand scheme of which we're only minor players. Like I once told Connor, we don't belong to ourselves. But why would that someone, who has the power to grant life and death so easily, will choose us and make *our* dream come true?

The only things the thought of Angel would evoke in me up until yesterday were anguish, tears, heartache, emptiness and loss. I buried everything about him so deep I became a shadow of myself, because with every part of him I was denying from existence, I lost a little part of me. And so I kept losing, until it was too late to save anything. And now... now I feel love, light and life filling me from the inside and warming me, and reviving me. And I feel completeness and happiness and so many other countless emotions that associate with Angel and have made me the person I am today. And the only trigger to this drastic change is the man I'm holding right now.

I sigh heavily and push myself up from his chest, carefully untangling myself from the embrace I seem to have waited lifetimes to be back in, attentive not to wake him up. A sharp momentous pang in my chest indicates on the complete loss of physical contact as I rise from the bed and I turn to look at him, taking my time to memorize his features, the special way in which the covers rest on his body, how his chest rises and sinks back with each breath, how his eyes twitch a little in his sleep.... I gulp and tear my gaze off him and on to his shirt that's lying crumpled on the foot of the bed next to mine and suddenly looks very inviting. I pick it up and put it on, savoring the remnants of his smell on it before I complete my morning-look with an old pair of shorts I grab from the closet. I throw one last look at my former-current lover and gently shut the door behind me.

"Good morning."

I return Giles a smile as I stroll into the kitchen, and bring my hand to my mouth to forestall an impending yawn. I don't think I'm awake just yet, and I don't only mean it literally. I'm not sure I want to wake up either.

"How are you?" he asks behind my back as I turn to the cupboards in search for some cookies to go with the coffee he's already pouring for me. Though I don't look at him directly, I still attempt to decipher the hidden notes in his voice when in reality he's asking the simplest question. There is curiosity, which I inwardly grin at, but there is also certain aspect of relief. I can guess only too well why that is.

"Good," I throw him a smile over my shoulder and return to my search. I don't know why I'm not too eager to get into details, maybe I'm just scared that if I talk too much about it... it will go away.

"Where is um... where is Angel?" he fumbles with his words and I make a mental observation I'm obviously not the only one who's a *little* confused about the latest turn of events. I know why Giles is asking me that, at least because he knows just like the next person that Angel is up in my room. He's trying to appear casual, for my sake more than anything else, but I know he probably just wants to see him, to make sure he too hasn't gone nuts over night. I can relate only too perfectly...

"Up in my room," I reply evenly though I can hardly hide the grin from my voice and I'm sure he notices. "He's still asleep," I add matter-of-factly as I catch a glimpse of a box of chocolate-chip cookies in the corner of my eye, but of course, I'm too short to reach it. Who shoves them into these places, anyway?

"After last night, he better be."

Xander.

And I thought this was going to be a quiet morning. Then again, nothing is ever going to be the same in this house again, so I might as well get used to that now.

"Shut up!" I scold jokingly, but I know it isn't going to be enough to remove the smug smirk from his face. "And to answer your unasked question, we didn't do *anything*, let's just be clear on that, okay?"

He shots me a knowing smile as he walks by me and I know he's just teasing me, knowing I'll fall for everything he's got to offer. Well, concerning my newly revived lover, what else is new. As he walks past me on his way to the fridge, he makes a brief stop to hand me my heart's, or stomach's desire, still wearing that same smirk that gets to me every time anew. I don't know *what* he's thinking, not that I ever know what Xander's thinking, but he would *never* joke even about something as stupid as that a couple of days ago regarding Cole. The thought of my former fiancé makes my heart cringe with guilt and I grab the box from Xander's grip and silently head over to the table to take the seat next to Giles. I wonder if there's ever gonna come a time when I *won't* feel guilty about being happy. But a smile breaks through my solemnity as I realize this guilt doesn't even remotely resemble the one I felt with Cole. There is a distinct difference between being sorry because you hurt a good guy and because you've been repeatedly lying to yourself. And betraying the memory of the only thing your heart holds dear, I silently add to myself. Yep, welcome to the world that is Buffy, feel free to quit anytime.

"Are you guys okay with... everything that's, you know?" My gaze hesitantly skips back and forth between my friend and my Watcher, trying to guess whether they're going to lie to me or not. Hard to tell. I'm not asking because I want an answer, I'm way past that, I'm not going to throw everything that matters to me away if they tell me they're not *okay* with it. But they're my friends, my family, regardless to whether or not I follow their opinion, I still want to hear it. For such a long time, I shut myself away from them until they barely knew who I was anymore, and I know that it's not fair to blame them for not being attentive enough after I lost Angel. How can you help someone who doesn't let you in? So yeah, it was my fault, too, I guess I've grown up enough not to deny it anymore. But I can't let them do that anymore, *I* can't do that. If this is going to work with Angel and I, the least I need from them is honesty. Angel and Buffy now are not the Angel and Buffy from years ago, so many has changed about us even we will still be uncovering it for a pretty long time, so many things are different. Maybe they'll be different, too...

Xander's mouth is hanging open as he's trying to conjure up something appropriate to say in response to my question. I could laugh at the expression on his face, but I'm not in the mood for that. I rub the abrupt goosebumps off my arms as I look at him. Needless to say Xander's reaction is the one I'm dreading the most. No, I haven't forgotten how he found me outside the Bronze last night and gave me back something I've lost a week ago, and I don't only mean the letter I wrote to Angel, but I mean myself, my true self, not the woman who committed herself to a lifetime with a man she didn't love.

I never expected this move from him, never mind how much he matured over the years, still in my wildest dreams, I'd never imagine *Xander* coming to me and telling me to think twice, a thousand times, if necessary, before I give a normal human guy the ultimate yes, and all that only because he knew my heart was given to the exact same person he repeatedly tried to get *out* of my life. Yes, the engagement party was over because Angel showed up, but even before that, before I laid eyes on what a part of me is still steadfastly convinced is a dream, I was about to tell Cole the truth. The only truth and nothing but the truth, and I was about to tell him how sorry I was and why I could never carry out the promise I gave him. I owe Xander my life, literally. Because he was a good enough friend to snap me out of my bubble and shove down my throat, if nothing else worked, the lie I've created to myself. If it weren't for him, I'd be living in that lie for the rest of my life, until I would no longer be able to stand *myself*, because there was only so much a person could go through when it's not real, when everything they feel, everything they do, everything they think is a lie. I could never live with myself that way and I will always be grateful to Xander for opening my eyes to that.

"Well?" I probe gently as I keep restlessly staring at my friend. He still hasn't said anything and it's *starting* to bother me.

"I umm..." he rubs the back of his neck in that manner he always does when he's nervous about something and I don't know if it's good or bad. Funny how I'm not *half* as worried about Giles. Finally, he looks at me and all the fear melts from my heart when I see him smile sheepishly. "It's okay if I, you know... pinch myself a couple of hundreds times next time I see him, right?" He checks momentarily for my reaction, then adds, "Don't get me wrong, Buffy, as much as you and ex-Dead-Boy over there are the experts on all things dying, but it's still a little hard to digest to us little people. Who, unlike some who should remain nameless, aren't sitting around after they're dead thinking, 'boy this resurrecting-me thing takes *way* too long, I wonder how they're gonna bring me back this time,' because they're mostly just dead-"

I cut off his little speech when I launch myself at him and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. "Shut up, Xander," I whisper softly and he chuckles in my ear and hugs me back.

"I'm happy for you," he assures me, gently patting my back. "I've long given up on you anyway, if Angel it is... so Angel it is." He draws back and looks me in the eyes, smiling, and I smile back at him even despite the stinging tears welling up in my eyes.

"Thank you," I whisper throatily.

"Don't mention it," he gives a quick squeeze to my shoulder. "God knows 'till death do them part' doesn't apply to the two of you anyway, so you might as well go and have your happily-forever-after."

"We'll try," I promise, and I know I'm probably grinning like a kid under a Christmas tree. And I make that promise both to him and to myself.

"You love him," it might look like a question, coming from Giles, but it's not, and the three of us know it. "And you're happy. It's all that matters."

"I love him," I nod, smiling. I tend to do that a lot lately, I notice, and I think I like it. "I always have."

"Great," Xander grants me his final approval in the form of a pat on my shoulder. "So I guess that's gonna be one wedding I'm not gonna try to stop."

THE END