Title - Finally Normal

By - Mariah (symonk@bezeqint.net)

Distribution - http://www.gaelic-aisling.com/evennow and everything else with my permission only.

Disclaimer - nothing's mine.

Rating - dunno, PG?

Spoilers - *everything*, especially the BtVS finale.

Pairing - B/A

Synopsis - post-finale :-p

Feedback - YES!

AN - POV. Buffy's. I've actually dreamt this fic out, kinda, I'd like to know what you think.

Dedication - to all the great people whose emails are still unanswered! They will be, I promise, soon:).

I gently press down on the knob and open the door into his room. When I find it empty, I actually let out a breath of relief, not even knowing why. Get a grip, Summers, you just saved the world, and now you're scared to face a vampire?! Now, if it were *any* vampire...

I sigh again as I allow a tiny smile tug at my lips. He was never *any* vampire, was he?

I soon acknowledge I've been not only talking to myself, but also lying to myself, for a whole minute. The room isn't empty. It just looks like it, but I know it's not. My Angel-senses are tingling, and that can only mean he's here, somewhere, in the shadows. I smile again. Shadows. Angel. Angel in the shadows. I don't know why, but everything seems to bring me back to the past these days, maybe it's some post-almost-end-of-the-world syndrome that happens to everyone. But I know that when he came to me that night and saved me from Caleb, I didn't feel him. As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I didn't even know he was there. But now...

What kind of thoughts did I have running through my head when I told Xander to turn the bus around and that we were going to LA? If anyone asked me back then, and which they did, I'd tell them I didn't know. I guess it was just none of their business, or I didn't think it was, I wasn't ready to listen to disapprovals of all sorts shapes and sizes I knew would come. I just wanted... Angel. That was my thought, I wanted Angel.

It all started when Dawn asked me what I was going to do now, she asked me what I wanted. And I think I just smiled then, because that moment I knew for certain there was only one thing I wanted. I wanted to realize a memory, a dream, however you choose to call it.

I remembered it so clearly that moment, as if it didn't happen over five years ago, but a few days ago.

"So you don't think about the future?"

"No."

"Never?"

"No."

"You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?"

"Angel, when I look into the future... all I see is you. All I want is you."

"I know the feeling."

I remember that night, in the cemetery, when he held me in his arms, and kissed me, and I promised him that no matter what, he's all I see in my future. Did he believe me? I don't know. I thought he did, back then. Now... it's hard to tell, with everything that happened.

I know I did. Believe me, that is. What did I know of future then? I was sixteen, way not done baking, so I pretty much knew nothing. My mom was right with what she once said to me in one of her lectures I never bothered to listen, except that I remember them mow so I guess I did listen to something... She said I could never see past tomorrow, and not because I was a Slayer with a could-be-dead-tomorrow destiny, but because *he* was all I saw of tomorrow. So I never really saw the need to look any further. Somehow... I just knew that everything would be all right. And then he left, and I had to grow up. Which sadly always leads me to the fact that in some sense, I'm grateful to him that he did.

And here we go down memory lane again. It has been five years, I've realized that, when Dawn asked me what I wanted to do. Well, five and a few extra months, but who's counting that, anyway. So after five years, I still told him the same thing - he's still all I see in my future.

So now that I can have one... what's stopping me?

"You wanna come in?"

I jump up in surprise though there is no voice at the moment that sounds more familiar to me. I take a moment to discuss how he could be standing right in front of me without me even knowing where he came from, before I remember he's just being Angel.

I comply and follow him through the dark room, until he gestures at an empty armchair, silently asking me to sit down, and I do, as he sits in front of me. "So... I don't get a kiss now? Not even a hug?" I try to sound light, but something in my voice betrays me. There is something wrong with him, in his face, his eyes, something I can't put my finger on and yet it's something that sits in my throat like a lump.

He doesn't answer, just uncomfortably looks down from me and something in that gesture tells me he wishes he hadn't kissed me... then. No, he's not going to make this easy on me, is he.

"You're hurt," he says quietly and for a moment I wonder how he could possibly know.

"How did yo-"

"It's your body language," he says simply and looks up, for the first time allowing our eyes to meet. And then I recognize that look in his. It's the same one I pretended I didn't see back then in the cemetery, when I lied to him and told him I never thought that far ahead. Well, at least that answers my question whether he believed me the first time around or not.

"I'm okay, Angel. Slayer-healing," is all I say, pretending *again* I didn't notice the look, even though this time I think he *wanted* me to. "I came..." I swallow hard, unsure of how to start lying. "Can I... can we stay here, for a while, until we get a place?" He looks at me strangely before he adjusts himself to the unbelievable sharp subject-change I've just made. "We don't really have anywhere else to go and... Sunnydale is officially dust, so-"

"You know you can stay here," he says, then adds more quietly as he stands up, "You're always welcome here." He walks over to the window and stands there, with his back facing me, as he pretends to be completely engrossed in playing with the heavy curtains. "Why did you really come here?"

For a moment, I'm speechless. "I just-"

"I mean, up here, to my room," he brushes off any upcoming fib I could possibly come up with. "And don't lie to me."

I nod to myself and stand, too, walking up behind him. "I had something I wanted... needed to tell you." He doesn't say anything, so I go on, "Spike and I..."

"I *really* don't wanna listen to anything about Spike," he dismisses me flatly as he sharply revolves to face me. "Unless, of course, he's here so I could pummel him while you speak."

I chuckle. "You want me to draw you a picture of him like the one he had of you pinned up to his punching bag?"

He stares at me for a second like I've completely lost it and I want to laugh. But I can't.

"I don't think that's gonna happen," I murmur, and there is something in my voice that drives the jealousy out of his eyes and for a moment, there is nothing there except for his trademark Buffy-worry. But that's just for one moment. Just enough for me to blurt out, "He's dead."

"Dead," he echoes.

"Spike wore the Amulet." I watch as a realization drowns upon him, but I go on nevertheless. "He saved us. He... sacrificed himself to save us... everyone."

He takes it in, for a minute saying absolutely nothing. Then he inhales a deep breath and nods. "I think you should go now."

I can't believe this. "What?" I ask, and my voice is so small and fragile I barely recognize it.

He shakes his head and walks away, nervously pacing back and forth in front of me. "I... I can help you with everything, Buffy. I can be there for you for everything, but..." He stops and I know what he's about to say even before he utters the words. And oddly enough, I don't expect him to say anything else. I never did. "I just *can't* be here for you so you could mourn over him. So... I'm sorry, for you. But before I say anything I'll wind up regretting about, I think we better end this conversation right now. I guess I've gone selfish."

I don't know what to do, or say at this point. I feel like he *wants* me to lose it, like he doesn't want me to do what I came here to do, by all cost. And I also feel there is a lot of pain of his own he's got to deal with right now and I know nothing about. But a part of me doesn't understand why he of all people is standing in my way to happiness when I finally feel ready to have one. I really thought he was ready, too... Was I that far off? "I love you, Angel," I hear myself saying, and my voice doesn't tremble even a little. It sounds like I'm matter-of-factly stating a fact. It doesn't sound like some dramatic love proclamation and at least that's a relief.

He just looks at me and sighs, there isn't even a glimpse of surprise in his eyes, not even remotely. Like the bastard knew all along I was going to say that! "I love you, too, Buffy, you know that. It's isn't the point, it doesn't mean I can-"

"Do you know what he said... when I told him I loved him?"

He rolls his eyes and I make a mental note to kick myself later for taking *these* steps. But there is no way I'm turning back, now or ever. Something of too much importance is at stake here - something I never thought I could have at all up until a day ago or so. My future.

"Do I have to be here for this?" he mutters, but I don't even let him finish that thought.

"He didn't believe me."

"Should he have?" he snaps and I know the old jealousy is back up and running in full force now. As much as I'd enjoy tormenting it on a different occasion... now is unfortunately not the time.

"No," I slightly tilt my head to the side as I allow a barely perceptible, although somewhat sad, smile. "He shouldn't have. But I thought he would. I've been... clinging to him for so long, I was so afraid to lose him because I was afraid I'd stay alone. I got used to him, I... loved the fact that he claimed to love me. And then he saw you with me and... I think he saw the difference clearly for the first time, just because he saw us kissing. And then I went all guilty and practically went out of my way, only to assure him he got it all wrong." I pause and lock eyes with Angel. He doesn't try to flee the room anymore, here's a bright side. He just stands there, looking at me, looking at me the same way he always did when he listened to me speak, when instead of hearing the words, he was reading into my soul.

I hold out one hand and am slightly surprised when he takes it in his and gently pulls me over. We don't kiss, or hug, we just stand there, lacing our fingers together and drowning in each other's eyes. And it strangely seems to be enough... for the time being. "I needed him," I say, concluding my little speech from before. "I... needed him to make me... cookies."

For a moment, he looks at me again, like he has no clue what I'm talking about, before the whole cookie analogy he never quite accepted is sinking in.

"I realized something... you know, after everything ended. You know what Willow did, she did a spell, so that all the potential Slayers throughout the world would become real Slayers." He gazes at me with slight amazement in his eyes and I shrug, smiling, as I reach for his other hand and take it in mine. "So I realized... that that was it. I was finally... normal. I was just standing there, looking at the piles of ashes that *used* to be my hometown and all I could think of... I was normal. I was...complete." I look up at him, and I feel my smile spreads across my face and I don't think I've smiled that brightly in a very long time. "I'm cookies." I wait another second as I weight these words and then confirm them with a slight nod, "I think I can be cookies now."

He gulps, and he suddenly reminds of a little boy that just got the bomb of his life dropped on him out of the blue and of course he doesn't know how to handle it. A part of me thinks it's a little funny, taking in the fact I'm in reality standing in front of an over two-hundred-years-old vampire. The other part just can't help but dread what he's gonna say.

"Angel..." I start talking again since he doesn't go much further in that department even after a couple of minutes have passed. "Do you want me to... be cookies now?"

"I..." he's trying to say something, but judging by his eyes I know he won't be able to come up with the right words any time soon. And it just happens I'm not going to wait forever to hear *that* answer. I guess we all go a little selfish in our own ways.

"Angel?" I wait until our eyes meet again and don't say anything else before they do, and then, "Do you want to kiss me now?"

He still doesn't say anything, but lets go of my hands and wraps one arm around my waist, slightly drawing me closer, as he uses the other hand to gently clear stray hair from my face, stroking his palm across my cheek as he does that. I close my eyes, let myself be lost in this small moment until I completely forget even about him kissing me... until I suddenly feel his lips on mine, and they're soft, and they're caressing, and loving and they taste like bitter tears, and above all, they're Angel's. And as my arms subconsciously make their way around his neck, I know, that no matter what, the future is ours.

THE END.