Title: Hope

Author: Netra

Disclaimer: *hysterical laughter*you actually think I own these so called characters?? Thankfully no!!! They belong to Whedon and Co. Don’t sue cuz I only have a few CDs to my name. The song belongs to Celine Dion from her album Fallin into you.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Post Season Six

Distribution: You want it? You’ve got it!! Just tell me

Feedback: will be appreciated

Summary: Buffy Reflects

Authors note: Not betaed so blame all mistakes on me. Besides I'm having writers block so please forgive me!!

"Close the door

Shut the world away

All the fights gone from this wounded heart

Across the floor

Dreams and shadows play

Like wind blown refugees"

 I stand in a familiar alley. I realise this was where I met Angel first. A bitter laugh escapes my mouth. Angel. He was the one thing that made me want to go on with life. To fight. To live. But he's gone. He left over three years ago. My mother's gone too just like him. Everyone I've ever cared for leaves me sooner or later.

  I walk out of this alley. The memory of it is too painful for me. I walk without any destination. My feet automatically take me to the graveyard. I sense a vampire. It jumps on me .We fight and within a minute it's dust. Freaky! Isn't it? it feels like my life in some kind of time-space continuum. It keeps repeating itself.

   You wanna hear about something else freaky? I slept with Spike! Yes Spike I did it because  I just wanted to feel something other than the cold. I wanted to wipe of the stench of decay on my body. But it only lasted for a few nanoseconds and then I feel cold and lonely again.

"Call the man

Who deals in love beyond repair

Of hearts in need of care

Shine alight ahead when the next step is unclear

Call the man

He is needed here"

     I walk home. I knock and Dawn opens the door. She smiles brightly at me. I smile back. time to put on my 'happy-face' I tell myself. smile back and just as brightly.

"you want dinner?" I ask her.

"no", She replies" I already ate."

  I eat my dinner alone. When I'm done I tell Dawn I'm goin to bed. I walk up the stairs into my room. I get ready for bed. I pull back the covers and lay down. I reach over to switch off the light. smothered in darkness. I lay on my back and I awash in an ocean of sweet memories. I never realise that I am crying until I feel the salty tang in my mouth. I start crying for all that I've lost, for all that could've prevented myself from loosing .I cry as if I'm never going to stop. Finally I have no tears left. I turn on my side to face the window. I've had so many wonderful memories of it. I close my eyes to shut them out because those memories cause such excruciating pain.

"I close my eyes

I remember when

Your sweet love filled this empty room

The tears I cry won't bring it back again

Unless the lonely star should fall"

  Willow once told me to have faith. Someday soon everything will be the way it should be .Angel will be back and he'll be human we'll have six kids and house and all those things we dreamed of but could never have. All you have to have is a little bit of hope and a dash of faith. Yeah right.
 

 Faith sucks! Hope sucks. They are the biggest liars on God's sorry earth. They just give you illusions  I close my eyes and dream. it's the only place I can go away from this hellhole. I dream of heaven. That's where I was before Willow brought me back. But I'll never tell. I have to be strong .I'm the slayer remember? And maybe someday I can go there again. then I'll be home for Angel will be there with me.

"Call the man

who deals in love beyond repair

He can heal the world

Of hearts in need of care

Shine a light ahead

when the future isn't clear

Call the man

He is need here

Call the man

He is need here"

 End