Title: Letting Go

Author: Nicky

Email: nickypoo2004@yahoo.com

Feedback: Please...pretty please!

Summary: Buffy is back from the dead, and she calls Angel to help her out.

Spoilers: Tabula Rosa

Timeline: Season 6

Distribution: If I am on your mailing list take it. Anyone else just ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy or Angel characters, I only wish I did. Please don't sue. But if anyone finds it in their hearts to give me money...............never mind. (Sigh) Song belongs to Michelle Branch.

Author's notes: This story takes place during and after Tabula Rosa. The only place this story would ever take place is in the sick and demented dusty archives of my head

Part 1

Buffy fell to the ground and clutched her chest. She couldn't breathe. The dark night taunted her. She cringed. Her breaths were like that of a hyperventilating person. She clutched her chest tighter. "Huh, Huh, Ahhuh!" The breaths were quick and painful. She continued to suck in air. She was remembering now. She remembered jumping off the tower into the swirling black portal. She remembered clawing out of her own grave. She remembered the way her hands bled. She clutched her chest harder. Tears began to run out of her squeezed eyelids. Buffy saw herself walking down the fiery street "Is this hell?" She tearfully asks. No one answers. Then she remembers heaven. The way it felt to be in the presence of something greater than herself. She was happy, and now she was back to living the dismal life of the slayer. Completely alone in all your conquests. People think they understand, but they never can. She cries out. Spike looks at her calmly. He would accept her. He always would. He loved her. He slowly held out his pale white hand. A tear ran down her cheek. She couldn't take living this life. It hurt too badly. She jumped up. Buffy slowly glared at Spike's hand and ran off like hell into the dark night.

Part 2

Buffy hugged herself tightly as she rocked her body gently on her bed. Life was too hard. She couldn't do it. She never could. She rocked again. Willow and all her good intentions had just made everything worse and now she was paying for it. Tara had left her. Buffy lay back on her bed. She gently closed her eyes. Flashes of white light, warmth, and happiness cooled her aching eyelids. She smiled. The phone loudly rang, bringing Buffy back to reality. "Hello?" She answered. A cough gently sounded from the other end.

"Buffy?" The deep voice replied.

"Dad?"

"Yes, it's me baby." He queerly said. Buffy slammed the phone down onto the receiver and fell back unto her pillows. She didn't need her father right now. He obviously never needed her because he never visited her. She needed her true father. The one that had always been there for her when she needed him. Giles. But he was gone, across the sea and he was never coming back. Buffy began to sob. It always seemed the people that should love her most always left her. Or they died. The phone rang again and she ignored it. The nagging sound of the rings continued until she could no longer take it. "YES?" She answered, obviously irritated.

"B-Buffy?" The voice stuttered. She hesitated. It couldn't be.

"Angel?" She whispered.

"I heard about you coming back. You know, from the dead. I needed to call you. I need to see you." He gently whispered.

//I wanted to be like you

I wanted everything

So I tried to be like you

And I got swept away

I didn't know that

It was so cold //

"Angel!" Buffy let out all her pain in one sickeningly painful sob. Angel's heart wrenched. She shouldn't be crying alone. Someone should be comforting her. "Angel-it-hurts-so-badly." She said in-between sobs. She pulled the phone away from her mouth. Her heart breaking. Angel calling almost made her want to die again. Heaven was better than being with Angel, because in heaven he was human. Everything was perfect , and now it was all gone.

//And you needed someone

To show you the way

So I took your hand

And we figured out

That when the tide comes

I'd take you away //

"Buffy? Buffy?" Angel worriedly called. She heard his voice calling her and she put the phone to her ear.

//I'm sinking slowly

So hurry hold me

Your hand is all I have

To keep me hanging on

Please can you tell me

So I can finally see

Where you go

When you're gone //

"Yes. I am here." She said as she calmed down.

"Shh. Shh. It will all be fine. I am coming to see you. But Buffy, tell me what hurts." She was silent. Angel became worried. A voice quietly whispered over the phone.

//If you want to

I can save you

I can take you away

From here

So lonely inside

So busy out there

And all you wanted

Was somebody who cares//

"Being on earth. Heaven was so beautiful. My mom was there. We were happy. You were there. But you were human. I loved you more there. Is that possible?" Tears were running down Angel's cold cheeks. She was inside him, a part of him. No matter how much he tried to deny it. She was. He was always hurting her. Cordelia was sitting next to Angel in his office listening to Buffy on the speaker phone. She too was crying. She put her hand on Angel's shoulder. Cordelia felt him quiver.

//All you wanted was

Somebody who cares

If you need me

You know I'll be there

Oh, yeah//

"I guess anything is possible Buffy. But you are here now. It will all be fine." He gently said. Buffy cynically laughed.

//If you want to

I can save you

I can take you away

From here

So lonely inside

So busy out there

And all you wanted

Was somebody who cares //

"It will never be fine Angel. Never. Angel, do you think Willow and the gang should have brought me back? What if I came back wrong? What if I am a freak?"" Angel didn't answer. "Angel?"

"Buffy, maybe you need some alone time. Maybe you don't need me right now." The other line was silent as he uttered these words. Cordelia slapped Angel's shoulder and gave him a 'what are you doing look.' Angel shook his head. Cordy became silent.

//Please can you tell me

So I can finally see

Where you go

When you're gone//

"Oh." Buffy uttered coldly. Her voice devoid of emotion. Angel winced. What was he doing? She hung up. Buffy curled her body into fetal position and cried so hard that she threw up. The sun was finally rising when she had fallen asleep. Her hands gently resting underneath her head as she slept.

Part 3

Angel rested his head on the soft pillow. What had he been thinking when he said he wasn't coming? Buffy had just asked him if he thought she was a freak He would never think that. Ever. Angel turned on his side and wiped his face of the tear that was resting on his cheek. Cordelia gently peeked her head into Angel's room. "What?" He asked dryly. She smiled.

"I just love how you welcome a lady."

"Cordelia, you know I love you, but get to the point or something. I am not in the mood for pleasantries." She stepped fully inside the room. She gently looked down at Angel lying on the bed.

"Angel, what is staying here in your room doing to help Buffy? Think about it. When you came back from hell she was there to help you through all the rough times, and believe me it wasn't easy for her. She was always telling Willow how hard it was to watch you suffer. You staying at home would be like spitting in her face. It would mean you don't care. Angel, we both know how much you love and care about her. Go! Go, help Buffy" Cordelia pointed her manicured finger out towards the doorway. Angel sat up on the bed and smiled.

"You are right Cordy. I have been so stupid." He ran to his closet and pulled out his signature leather coat. "I only hope she forgives me for being such a dumb ass!" Cordelia smiled and patted him on the back. He hugged her and left.

She smiled to herself and said, "I guess I am not such a bitch after all."

Part 4

Spike slowly walked up to Buffy. She was resting on her couch staring at her feet. "Hello luv." He gently said. Buffy looked at him and gave him a half smile. He sighed. "What's wrong Buffy? I really want to know why you spend all your time bloody sulking and you wont even tell anybody why!" Her eyes widened in surprise. "Look Buffy, I love you. I want to help you."" Buffy looked like she was going to gag. She got up and ran out the door. Spike ran after her. He grabbed her shoulder and pulled her against a wall. He touched her face. "I love you"" He whispered. She remained silent. He kissed her. She didn't resist. Oh, God, she just wanted to feel something besides the hurt. Tears ran down her face. Goodbye Angel. You don't want me, Spike does.

A nervous cough sounded from behind Spike. Buffy pulled away from him. Angel looked at her with extreme pain in his eyes. He dropped the blood red roses that held in his hand. He ran. Buffy sucked in her breath. Spike glared at her and walked away. She ran and picked up the roses. The note read "Sorry. I love you." She ran towards Angel who was angrily getting into his car. "Angel! Wait!" Buffy cried out. Her voiced chocked in her throat. He looked up at her with tears in his eyes.

"How could you? With him!" Angel yelled. He turned away from her. She ran toward his face.

"Angel, I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to forget the pain. Please you got to believe me, it didn't mean anything! I love you!" Her voice a panic. The ice in Angel's eyes began to melt. He smiled weakly. His cold hand slowly went to touch her face. She closed her eyes and revelled in his touch. He smiled. He had missed her so much.

"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters to me except for you." Angel gently whispered into her soft hair. She smiled genuinely for once. "Cordelia, of all people convinced me to come. She was right. You need me and I need you. I was so upset when you died. I thought that I had nothing left to live for. Then, it was like your dying meant nothing. I didn't even care that you died. I just felt like it should have been me and not you." Buffy pulled away from him. Her eyes watering over with tears. She softly grabbed his face into her palms.

She gently kissed his pale lips. Angel began to cry. He had held all the pain inside for so long and Buffy was finally back to help take care of him. Buffy gently wiped his tears away.

"Let's go home." He nodded.

Part 5

Angel gently sat on Buffy's bed. She had told him what being dead was like and how wonderful it had been. He felt sorry for her. Starting over would be hard. "Angel, how could I have known what heaven was like and live without it. Living seems not worth it." Buffy's face saddened. "But you're here now, things will be better. I missed you." Angel face became guilty. "What Angel?" He didn't answer. The awkward silence building until Buffy pensively broke it. "Oh, I see. You're not staying are you?"

Angel remained silent and looked at his feet. Buffy began to cry. She had her answer. "Angel you are the most ungrateful un-dead person ever! I understood when you came back from hell. I understood how hard it must have been for you, and how scared you must have been, and I was there for you. I stayed by your side through every minute of it! But I guess that is why we are two very different people. I guess that is why you left me. You never loved me! Ever! It just kinda hurts, you know. To find out that the love of your life never loved you! It was all pointless." She covered her face with her hands. She wouldn't let him see her cry. She was stronger than that. Angel touched her shoulder.

"Buffy...I-" She looked up at him angrily.

"Don't say that you loved me! Do me a favor, and give me that one courtesy. Don't lie to me anymore. I don't deserve it, and I'm better than that. Please just leave. Let me move on. Let me get over you! Because I will always love you. No matter what. Even when I know you don't love me back." His hand slid down her shoulder and fell limply to his side. He held back a sob. "LEAVE!" She screamed as she threw her shoe at him. He winced, anticipating the blow of the shoe. It hit him and he sadly looked at her. Pain filled her eyes and that was when he could see that she gave up. That life meant nothing to her. He looked to his feet. Ashamed of his own selfishness and unwillingness to sacrifice his pride. He turned toward the door and walked out into the uninviting blackness of the night.

He quietly shut the door. "I do love you." He whispered to the hollow wood. His voice silently echoed back. Angel could hear her sobbing. His shoulders sank. In all his days he never thought he could make Buffy hate him.

Part 6

She lazily sat on her bed. The knife gently rolling between her wrists. She smiled. Buffy could make the pain go away. She could just die right now. The thought exhilarated her. The knife nicked her skin and tiny droplets of red blood ran down her wrists. She smiled the pain was ecstacy. The perfect kind for the terminally depressed. Buffy heard a knock. She looked hatefully at the door. "Buffy!" Dawn called. Buffy sat up and walked toward the door. She opened it only enough for her body to peer through.

"What?" Buffy impatiently hissed. Dawn hesitated.

"Um, Buffy. I need to tell you something. I have needed to tell you this for so long. I missed you so much. You know, when you were gone. I needed you so badly. It was hard without you here. Everyone was so sad. They were all, where's our rock? We need Buffy" Dawn paused. A single wet tear ran down her pink cheeks. "I needed you most of all. You are my life Buffy. I know I can do anything as long as I know that you are behind me telling me that I can do it. I...I love you Buffy." Buffy stood silent. She had been so selfish. She had only seen her own pain. Dawn was so alone. Dawn didn't have a mother and now she barely even had a sister. Buffy knew that Dawn needed her.

Suddenly, killing herself seemed so juvenile. "Dawny!" She said as she wrapped Dawn in her arms. Dawn smiled and held onto Buffy tighter. "I love you too Dawn. I won't ever leave you. Know that. Know that I will take care of you." Dawn slowly nodded her head.

"Goodnight Buffy." Dawn whispered. Buffy nodded and waved goodnight. Then she closed her door.

Part 7

"Did you tell her?"" He nervously asked.

"Yep. She's been told." She joyfully answered. "So, you don't think that she's going to hurt herself anymore? Angel, she is fine! Don't be such a worry wart. She is going to be fine, fine, fine."" Angel smiled. Dawn was so like Buffy.

"Dawn, you did a good thing. She needed to hear that stuff. You made a difference." He looked purposefully at her. Dawn grinned.

"Yep. I made a big, fat, difference." Angel chuckled.

"Well, I guess that I should leave." Angel gently said.

"Wait. Maybe you should go say something to her. You know, apologize. It's not such a foreign idea you know. In some countries people actually like it. " Dawn emphasized. He looked at her like she was crazy.

"She doesn't want to see me. She hates me. She told me that I never loved her, that I only pretended. How could she think that? I love her so much, so much that sometimes it aches when I am not with her." He placed his palm over his heart.

Dawn laughed. "You two are so much alike. She is always moping and saying how much she loves you, but that she can't be with you. It's the same with you. Go to her and tell her. Tell you love her. Cuz, frankly, I am so sick of watching you guys be Mr. and Mrs. Mopey." Angel nodded and walked slowly toward Buffy''s door. He could hear the rustling behind the door. He knocked. "Just a minute." He heard her singsong voice call. He tried to run, but it was too late. The door was already open. "Angel." She answered surprised. Angel turned around.

"Buffy. Hi." He said casually.

"What are you doing here?"" She said in a choked voice.

"I um. I came to say that I do love you. I always have. You are my one and only. You are my soul, Buffy. Please don't tell me that I don't love you because I do." He said letting himself cry. "So, so much." She smiled and ran to him. He held her tightly in his arms and smiled. He was free. Angel walked into her room and gently closed the door.

"Man, you are good!" Xander said while smiling.

"I know! It was so easy I didn't even know what all the fuss was about." Dawn laughed.

"We have been trying to get them back together for three years. No fair. You did it in only three days!" Willow complained and then pouted.

"It's just cuz I am sooo good!" Dawn taunted.

"If I was still a demon I could have done it using solely the power of my mind." Anya commented. All three looked at her. She smiled confused. "What? I could!"

"Shut up!" They yelled.

The End